Wished Away: A Broken Fairy Tale (14 page)

I like the way he’s making sure a part of him touches me while we dance along with the others who have joined us, not caring who sees the intimate way he touches my back, or runs his hand up my waist. I feel carefree and happy gliding around on the dance floor with him this way. For the first time in a long time, I’m enjoying the attention I’m getting from a man. When the song slows again at the end, Gage pulls me flush up against his strong, muscular body and runs his hand along my bare collar bone moving my hair off my shoulder and leans in letting his mouth skim against my ear. “Come get a drink with me.”

Again, he doesn’t wait for a reply, but takes my hand and leads me over to the bar and away from our crowd of friends. He leans over the bar to order us some water and when he turns back to me and I notice for the first time his bright blue eyes are slightly glossed over and realize the reason for his easiness around me is probably the same reason for mine with him--alcohol.

“You look amazing tonight…” he pauses and rubs his hand across his scruffy chin giving me a look that turns my insides out. Watching him look at me this way while contemplating his thoughts makes me do the one thing I’ve thought of too many times of doing tonight, and I reach up and run my fingertips across the side of his face, smiling when it feels just as I hoped. He closes his eyes and smiles sadly. When he opens them and looks down at me, they are suddenly clear and bright again. He brushes my hair away from my face and his look is so full of meaning. “Jess,” his voice is a whisper, “I really want to kiss you right now.” He moves his face slowly towards mine, his gaze never breaking, waiting for me to say no or stop him. But I don’t. I can’t. His full lips press to mine, delicately at first, s
,,,,
etting my body on fire. His soft lips connect with mine, causing me to let out a sigh. He moves his hand up to my face and I do the same, and his other holds me pressed up against his firm body.

He pulls back before I can get lost in him and take the kiss deeper like my body’s screaming for me to do. It’s been so long since I’ve been kissed and as innocent as that was, my body is reacting like I’ve just been seduced for hours. I bite down on my lip, too afraid to say something stupid. I’m so much more reserved around him than I am with anyone else. A part of me is afraid if I act on my thoughts, I’ll make him run. He looks down at me and kisses my forehead. “You look so sexy when you do that Jess, you have to stop, or else I won’t be able to.”

Did he just say I’m sexy and imply he wants more than that far too sweet kiss? I decide to call his bluff and bite down on it again and give him my best smoldering look. He actually lets out a growl before pulling me close again and nips at my ear. “You have no idea who you’re dealing with Jess. Don’t tempt me.” He pulls back and his eyes turn soft. “We’re both drunk, and I don’t want you to have any regrets tomorrow.”

Guilt hits me. Not once since Gage’s hands were on me, did I think of Dave. Not once. It’s our anniversary and I’ve been flirting and having inappropriate thoughts about another man. Tears well in my eyes and Gage immediately notices he triggered something. “Oh shit, Jess. I’m sorry.”

I take his hands in mine and manage to hold the tears at bay. “Don’t be sorry. It was nice. I’m just tired…and drunk, like you said.”

He lifts our hands and kisses the palm of my hand looking up at me over them with those eyes that make me melt. “Coffee, Monday.”

Joey and Kat come over to us and it’s clear they’ve seen everything by the grins on their faces. Joey pats Gage on the back and looks at me with an impish smirk. “Dude, I’ve tried to get you to hook up with a chick at one of these places for three straight years and you choose
my girl?
” Just when Gage looks at him with concern, Joey musses my hair and kisses my cheek. “I’m just pissed you beat me to it.”

The guilt is building up inside me with Dave’s best friend standing before me knowing I’ve betrayed him. I should be honoring him today and not getting drunk at a bar and kissing an incredibly hot, smart, and apparently rich man. I’m not myself anymore and I hate it. I used to be happy all the time and loved going out with the girls, even when Dave wasn’t with me. Tonight, I took things too far, and I can only be glad that it was with someone like Gage who understands my pain, and most importantly my undying love for Dave. We stand there in awkward silence for a moment when neither Gage nor I say anything back to Joey. Gage is watching me curiously when he turns to Joey. “Joey, I’ve seen you do more with my mother. Jess and I are friends, nothing more.”

I hate that my heart sinks a little and have to look away from him, not wanting him to see the truth. Joey laughs and pats Gage’s back. “Uh huh.”

Kat has finally caught on to my uneasiness and tries to make light of the situation. “Well boys, we better be going. Charlotte’s going to be home bright and early and won’t want a hung over mommy in the morning.”

Joey gets a smile on his face that lets me know he’s up to something. He turns to Kat and pulls her in to a deep kiss, and she responds with equal enthusiasm. Gage and I just stand there watching in shock. When they finally break their kiss that made mine and Gage’s look like child’s play, Joey pats Kat’s behind. “Drive safely,
friend.”
Clearly mocking the fact that friends don’t really kiss that way.

Kat just laughs and grabs our purses before heading to the door. Gage gently grabs my forearm before I can follow Kat out. “I’ll see you Monday.”

I smile up at him, doing my best to hide the fact that as soon as I get home tonight, I’m going to get his number and cancel coffee. I can’t be tempted this way. It’s too soon. And he’s far too tempting. “Sure.”

He looks at me and I know he’s not buying it, but I turn and walk out anyway. We drive home in silence, both knowing better than to bring up either of our kisses tonight after we’ve been drinking. I wish I had Cam here to tell me it’s ok, that Dave wouldn’t be mad at me. All I can think about is Dave watching me from Heaven and feeling the betrayal that is pulsing through my veins. When the car drops us off at my house, Kat stops at the door. “Are you sure you’re ok with me staying?”

I roll my eyes at her trying to hide the sadness overtaking me. “Of course I want you to stay. You can’t drive in this state anyway.”

“I can go to Joey’s.” She starts laughing and walks inside heading for the guest room. We both know where going to Joey’s would lead, and he’s probably brought a few of the girls following him around all night home to have some fun by now anyway. When my thoughts shoot to worrying that Gage went back to Joey’s too, I push it away and say goodnight to Kat before going up to my room that still feels so empty without Dave in it. I get undressed and turn on some music hoping it will drown out the sobs that break free when I see Dave’s picture on my nightstand. When “Mine Would be You” begins to play, I let the tears lead me into sleep.

Jess

I
totally pulled the wimp card and sent a text to Gage cancelling our coffee date last minute rather than call. I knew if I gave him too much notice, he’d try to set a date for another time. Instead, I told him I had to help Cam with the baby while Charlotte’s at school, and would get in touch with him when I had some free time. We haven’t talked since Saturday night, and part of me is sad he hasn’t called and the other part is relieved. I instinctively touch my lips remembering the way his mouth felt on mine, and decide I have to do something to keep myself busy. My excuse to Gage wasn’t a total lie, I am going to Cam’s today, and I’ve been there the past few days since she’s come home from the hospital. I spent most of yesterday whining to Holden and Cam about the kiss and they both were no help at all. They both got excited and Cam couldn’t stop telling me how great she thinks he is. It surprises me how much they are encouraging me to see where things go with him considering how much they loved Dave. Such a large part of me feels like if I move on with someone else, it will diminish the love I have for Dave. I know he will never be back with me, and that I have a lot of life left to live, but Charlotte needs to always know how much her dad loved her. If another man came into our lives, I don’t know if I could keep his spirit alive the way I do now with all of the pictures I have around the house and stories I tell her when she is feeling down. I know Dave would want me to do that. I know he would want me to parent her as if he was still at my side.

When my thoughts slip back to Gage and how sexy he looked the other night, I decide to go on a run to clear my head and calm my thoughts of him. I’m sure there will be times over the years where I’ll have a fling or two to get my needs met, but if that happened with Gage, I don’t know if I could walk away. He doesn’t seem like someone I could just walk away from, or someone who would let me walk away. As much as I try to keep him out of my mind, I can’t. I turn up the music on my iPhone and push myself to run faster down the gravely road hoping the exertion will calm my hormones that have raging lately.

When I make the turn back onto my street, I’ve run at least five miles and am thinking only of what I should bring to Cam’s for lunch when “Summertime Sadness” begins to play in my ear buds. I can’t help but smile thinking God or someone is playing some joke on me letting me know that Gage is going to be harder to shake than I thought. I pull my headphones off when I approach my house noticing a black BMW parked out front that I don’t recognize. I wonder if it’s someone renting the house next door for an instant, but I quickly realize I’m wrong when Gage comes walking down the steps of my porch holding two cups of coffee looking So. Damn. Hot! I mean really?
Really?
I just pushed my body to the limit trying to get those freaking magnetic eyes and dimples out of my head, and here he stands in front of me while I’m dripping in sweat and most certainly red faced, with that hot as hell tattoo on full display. I love that he still has that slight scruff that I want to feel all over my body.
What am I thinking?

“I was at the coffee shop when I got your message, so I decided to bring the coffee to you.” He hands me the cup and looks down towards Camryn’s house. “Do you have a minute to talk before you head over to Camryn’s?” his deep raspy voice makes it impossible to say no.

I wipe my forehead, feeling the drips of sweat beginning to pour down my face now that I’ve stopped running, remembering how I look. “Sure. Um, come inside and let me just get a towel or something.”

I walk quickly past him wishing that there was something I could do to make myself look better. I know I shouldn’t care, but I do. I stroll past the mirror in my entryway and try to slyly check myself out, hoping for the best, but when I take off my sunglasses to see the dark circles under my eyes, I cringe.
Seriously?
Gage starts to follow me down the hall to the kitchen not giving me much time to try and fix myself up, but stops and starts looking at all of the pictures I have lining the entryway. My heart feels conflicted wondering what he’s thinking as he carefully examines my memories displayed prominently in my house. For the first time, a part of me wonders if surrounding myself with pictures of Dave is helping me heal or holding me back.

“Is it hard having so many memories of Dave around you like this?” he asks staring at my favorite picture of Dave, Charlotte, and me on our boat. I turn to see him rub his chin and look at me like I’m the only person who can understand him. “I can’t do it. I only have a picture of Cass in my room, the only place I’m ever alone. It’s good you do this, especially for Charlotte.” He walks into the kitchen and leans into the counter taking a sip of his coffee. “It’s like being punched in the gut every time I see her face. Even after all this time, seeing her face just makes her absence seem so much more painful. Is that horrible to say?”

I smile up at him. “No.” I take a sip from my coffee thinking of Dave and what he’d do, how he would handle things if he lost me. “Sometimes I feel the same way. I guess I feel like if I put the pictures away, his absence will feel too real.”

“But it is real, Jess.” His blue eyes bare into mine with sincerity and empathy. “Don’t get me wrong, every day I want Cassie to be alive and it took me a while to accept it. I think that’s what she’d want me to do. I think she’d want me to
live
.”

“That’s the last thing Dave said to me. He told Joey to tell me to live.” I look down at my cup not sure what made me tell him that. I’ve never talked about this before. I don’t really talk about my feelings about Dave’s death with anyone. Sure, Cam and my friends are always here for me when they know I’ll be missing Dave the most, and we all reminisce, but I don’t ever express how cut to the core I am. I feel like I’m walking through life skinned alive and my memories are like a gust of wind scraping across my exposed, raw skin. But with Gage, I feel like he’s the only person in the world who can understand how I feel. He’s the ointment to heal my scars.

Gage turns so that he’s facing me and bends down to look into my eyes and my heart softens. “Is that what you’re doing, Jess? Are you living?”

I nod my head. “Honestly, I’m just trying to get by each day making sure my daughter knows how loved she is and trying my best to fill the huge gap that’s missing in our life.”