Witch Is Why The Laughter Stopped (A Witch P.I. Mystery Book 14) (7 page)

“Could you possibly do that afterwards?”

“I suppose so.”

I ushered her inside, and slammed the door shut behind us. As I glanced through the back window, I saw the first of the zombies climbing over the fence.

Phew! That was a close call. The Z-Watch team would arrive at any minute to round up the zombies. In the meantime, I’d just have to endure Mrs Rollo’s baking masterclass.

Yet another bullet I’d taken for the team.

Chapter 10

It was mid-morning the next day, and I was thinking about the missing dog case. Something about it still bothered me. I didn’t even notice Mrs V come into my office.

“Jill, could you order some more paper please? I’ve almost run out.”

“Yeah, sure. No problem.”

Mrs V was just about to go back to her office when she stopped dead in her tracks. She checked her watch, then turned to me. “What have you done to it?” she said, accusingly.

“What have I done to what?”

“The cuckoo clock.”

I glanced at my watch; it was dead-on ten o’clock. Precisely the time when the cuckoo should have, you know, cuckooed.

“Perhaps it needs a new battery.”

“It can’t need a battery, Jill. It’s only been on the wall a few days. Have you broken it already?”

“Me? No!”

“Are you sure?”

“I haven’t touched it.” I could hear Winky laughing behind the screen. “Maybe the cuckoo got stuck,” I suggested.

“I’ll take a look.”

“No need to bother, Mrs V. I’m sure it’s fine.”

“I’d rather check.” She climbed onto the sofa, and opened the little door. “It isn’t in here.”

Oh bum!

“What isn’t?”

“The cuckoo bird of course! It’s gone.”

“Oh yes, silly me! I’d totally forgotten. The other day when it cuckooed, the bird kind of fell out of the clock.”

What? It was the best I could come up with.

“Fell out? I’ve never heard of that happening before.”

“I thought it was a bit unusual myself. Anyway, I sent it away for repair. I haven’t mentioned it before because I didn’t want to upset you.”

“How long will it be before it’s mended?”

“Not long. Only a few days.”

“I hope so, Jill. Armi would be most upset if one of the clocks that he gave me as a present had broken.”

“Don’t worry, Mrs V. It’s all in hand. It will be as good as new in no time.”

She was still tutting to herself as she went back to her office. I jumped up from my desk, and pulled back the screen.

“Where is it?”

“Where’s what?” Winky was tightening a nut with his spanner.

“The cuckoo bird.”

“Oh, that thing? I threw it away. It was broken.”

“What do you mean, you threw it away? Where is it now?”

“Long gone. They collected the trash yesterday.”

Great!

What would Mrs V do when she realised I’d broken her precious clock? I had to find a replacement bird, and quick.

***

Before I could get to the cuckoo problem, there was another pressing issue I needed to address. I’d checked the Yellow Pages, and come up with a gardening supplies and services company, which was not too far from my office. I told Mrs V that I was going out for a few minutes, and set off on foot.

The shop was called ‘The Compost Heap.’ It was smaller than I’d expected, but seemed to have everything one could need for the garden. The man behind the counter had a face only his mother could have loved. And only then, if you’d paid her a lot of money.

“Good morning,” he greeted me. “I’m Mitchell Hole. How can I help you today?”

“I’ve got a problem with a mole.”

“There are a lot of them about at the moment. Where is it you live, young lady?”

“In Smallwash.”

“That would explain it. The moles seem to love it there. I’m not really sure why, but there are more moles per square mile in Smallwash than anywhere in a fifty-mile radius. How long have you had your mole?”

“It’s difficult to say. We only recently moved into the house. It seems I inherited him.”

“How many molehills do you have?”

“A lot. Around fifteen, probably. Can you help?”

“Yes indeed. You’ve come to the right place. We have all manner of products to rid you of that pesky little mole. To start with, we’ve got several brands of poison.”

“Poison?”

“Or traps. We have a wide range of traps. And we have a new bit of kit, which has only just come onto the market, called ‘Electromole’.”

“What does that do?”

“It electrocutes the mole.”

“You mean stuns it?”

“No. What would be the point of that? It kills it stone dead.”

“What about the traps? Do you have a humane version?”

“Humane?” He laughed. “We don’t deal in humane traps. Those moles have declared war on our gardens, so it’s only right we retaliate in kind. All of our traps are designed to kill little moley. You’ll generally find the mole doesn’t come back once you’ve chopped his head off.”

“I suppose not. Okay, I’ll need to give it some thought.”

Although I wanted rid of the mole, I didn’t want to kill it. I needed to have a rethink.

As I was walking back to the office, I heard bells ringing. There was an ice cream van parked down the road. It was a hot day, and I’d been thinking about picking up a bottle of ginger beer, but an ice cream would really hit the mark.

There, behind the counter of the ice cream van, was a familiar face.

“Daze. Hi. I didn’t expect to see you there.”

“It’s lovely and cool in here. Can I interest you in a cone? Or maybe a lollipop?”

“I’ll have a cone please.”

“What flavour? We have three-hundred and twenty-six.”

“Really?”

“Yes. Look. There’s the chart.” She pointed to a laminated list of flavours, hanging from the side of the van.

“Good gracious. What is crocodile mint?”

“Don’t ask me. I just serve the stuff.”

“I think I’ll play it safe. I’ll have two scoops. One vanilla and one strawberry, please.”

“Blaze, did you get that?” Daze shouted over her shoulder.

Blaze popped his head up. “Hi, Jill.”

“Hiya, Blaze. I didn’t see you there.”

“Jill wants a cone,” Daze said. “One scoop vanilla and one scoop strawberry.”

“Coming right up. What about sauce, Jill?”

“What have you got?”

“Strawberry, raspberry or chocolate.”

“I think I’ll have chocolate, please.”

“That’s three pounds twenty-five.” Daze held out her hand for the cash.

“What are you two really doing here?” I asked while Blaze scooped the ice cream.

“We’re after another rogue wizard. It seems to be the month for them.”

“What’s this one done?”

“I have to hand it to him. It’s an ingenious scam he’s got going. He finds properties in Candlefield where the owners are away on holiday. He shrinks their houses, and puts them inside snow globes, which he sells in Washbridge. When the poor owners come back from their holiday, they find their house has vanished.”

“Has he stolen many houses?”

“Twenty-six at the last count. They fetch a good price because of how realistic they are. We’ve had a tip off that he’s been operating in this area.”

Blaze passed me my ice cream, which was smothered in chocolate sauce.

“That looks delicious.” I had to lick it to stop it running down the side of the cone. “Good luck with your wizard. I’ll catch up with both of you later. Bye.”

***

I needed to check on Blake again. If he
was
having an affair, I was going to have strong words with him. I wouldn’t be a party to his lies and deceit.

I waited across the road from his office. When he came out, I followed him on foot through the town centre. He eventually went inside one of Washbridge’s newer restaurants. I hadn’t been in there myself because the name had always put me off. It was called ‘Grubby.’ The restaurant had glass walls on three sides, so I got as close as I could without him seeing me. The maître d’ took him to a table where a young woman was already seated. If I wasn’t mistaken, it was the same young woman I’d seen him give a lift to the previous day. This was not looking good, but I didn’t want to confront him in the middle of a busy restaurant. I’d have to get him on his own, and find out what on earth was going on.

Before leaving the office, I’d had Mrs V print out Maisy Topp’s bill. I was going to deliver it by hand because I still had some unanswered questions. When I arrived at her house, she looked surprised to see me. And, if I wasn’t mistaken, a little disconcerted.

“What are you doing here?”

“I was passing by, so I thought I’d drop this in.” I handed her the envelope.

“What is it?”

“Your bill.”

“Do you need the money right now?”

“No. You have thirty days to pay. While I’m here, could I see Toto? I’d love to meet him.”

“Toto? Err—I’m sorry. He’s not here at the moment. He’s at—err—my—err—sister’s.”

I’d never seen such an unconvincing performance. She was obviously lying, but why? Had Toto really come back? If not, why had she told me he had?

“Sorry, but I have to go.  I’ve got things to do.” She’d closed the door before I had a chance to object.

Now, my interest was really piqued, so I decided to pay another visit to Boris Froggatt.

“Oh? It’s you again. Why are you here? What’s this all about?”

“I wondered if it would be possible for me to see Hector.”

“Oh? No, he’s—err—he’s not here.”

“Where is he?”

“He’s—err—at the groomers.”

“Which one do you use?”

“Err—the one on the high street. I forget the name.”

“Okay. Thank you for your time, Mr Froggatt.”

Both Maisy Topp and Boris Froggatt had seemed extremely uncomfortable when I’d asked them about their dogs. It was too much of a coincidence that neither dog was home.

Something strange was going on, and I intended to get to the bottom of it.

Chapter 11

The next morning, Jack was staring through the back window at the lawn. “I thought you were going to see somebody about that mole? We’ve got another two molehills.”

“I did. I went to a shop called ‘The Compost Heap’, and spoke to a man there.”

“Did he have any bright ideas?”

“He had plenty of them, but they all involved killing the mole.”

“Is that really necessary?”

“I don’t see why. I don’t want to kill it. I just want it to go somewhere else. Anyway, I’ve got a few ideas of my own. Give me a few days, and let me see if I can sort out this stupid mole.”

“Okay, but if you need me to get involved, let me know.”

“And, why would I need you to get involved?”

“You might need a man.”

“To outwit a mole?” I laughed. “Yeah, I don’t think so.”

My phone rang. There was only one person who would call at that time of the morning.

“Jill, did you see it?” Kathy gushed. “What did you think?”

Did I see it? Did I see what? I had to think quickly.

“Jill?”

Then I remembered—her first ever appearance on Wool TV. I’d forgotten all about it.

“Yeah, it was very good. Very professional.”

“You didn’t watch it, did you?”

“Of course I did.”

“Okay then, what was I wearing?”

“That suit of yours. The one I like.”

“What was the main feature on last night’s programme?”

“Okay, I admit it. I forgot, I’m sorry.”

“You’re unbelievable, Jill. Your only sister gets her big break, and you are so self-absorbed, that you forget to watch it.”

“I said I’m sorry. I was really busy yesterday. I’m working on loads of cases at the moment.”

“What about in the evening?”

“I worked late last night.”

Jack grinned at me. He knew full well what he and I had been doing last night, and it
wasn’t
working late.

“I’m sorry, Kathy. I’m really, really sorry.”

“There’s one more screening of it, tonight at seven o’clock. You’d better watch it.”

“I will, I promise. How did it go?”

“Pretty good, I think. I was really nervous, but I got through it. Everybody at the station said I did really well. Pete and the kids loved it. Lizzie and Mikey have been telling everybody that their mum’s on television. I thought it would be nice to hear what you thought about it too.”

“I’ll watch it tonight. I promise.”

“All right, you’d better.”

“I’m off.” Jack gave me a peck on the cheek.

Once I was sure he’d gone, I double-checked that there was no one in the gardens on either side. This was my opportunity, so I slipped on some old clothes, and made my way into the back garden. I used a small trowel to scoop away the mound of soil from the newest molehill to reveal the tunnel beneath. After a final check that there was no sign of the neighbours, I shrank myself so I was small enough to get inside the tunnel. It was rather steep, and I had to hold onto the sides.

There were lots of worms, spiders and other creepy crawlies. Luckily, I had my phone with me. I used that for light, but also to flash at anything that looked as if it wanted to take a bite out of me. Eventually, the tunnel levelled off. I walked a little further until I found a second tunnel below my feet. I slid down it, and landed in a cavernous hole.

Something in front of me stirred.

“Hello.” The voice came out of the dark.

I shone my light towards it.

“Hello there, Mr Mole.”

“What are you doing in my house?” He stepped closer. “Who are you?”

“I’m sorry to disturb you. My name’s Jill Gooder. I live above here.”

“How come I can talk to you?”

“It’s a bit complicated. I’m actually a witch. I used my magical powers to shrink myself, and I can talk to animals—at least some of them.”

“How very unusual. I’ve never had the chance to talk to the two-leggeds before. I’ve always thought they seem to be an interesting species, even if they do choose to live above ground. Is there something I can help you with?”

“Actually, yes. Do you realise that every time you tunnel up to the surface, you leave a mound of earth, and it’s rather spoiling my lawn?”

“What’s a lawn?”

“It’s the rectangular area of grass above here.”

“I didn’t realise that belonged to anyone.”

“It belongs to the big building in front. That’s where I live.”

“I’m sorry, I had no idea. I wouldn’t want to spoil your lawn.”

“It’s okay. I wondered if maybe you could move your home back a little, so that you’re away from my garden. Maybe in the field beyond the lawn.”

“I suppose so. It’s all the same to me. As long as I have plenty of food, and somewhere to sleep. I don’t want to be any trouble. My name’s Mortimer, by the way.”

“Nice to meet you, Mortimer. So you don’t mind relocating, then?”

“Not at all. Let me see, you said I should move further that way?” He pointed with his front paw.

I was a little disoriented after my journey through the tunnels. “Yes—err—that’s right.”

“Okay, Jill. No problem. It was really nice talking to you.”

“You too, Mortimer. I’d better be going.”

Back at the surface, I didn’t want to risk reversing the ‘shrink’ spell while I was on the lawn, in case anyone was around, so I waited until I was inside the house.

I was covered in soil, so I took another shower before setting off to work. Hopefully, Mortimer would be as good as his word, and I’d have no more molehills to contend with.

***

I was surprised to find both Jules and Mrs V in the office. It was supposed to be Mrs V’s day off.

“Hello, you two. Are you giving Jules a knitting lesson today?”

“No. Something far more exciting,” Mrs V said. “Guess what?”

“I have no idea.”

“It’s Wool Con soon. We’re planning our visit.”

“What’s that?”

“A convention for all the yarnies.”

“Like Comic Con?”

“Exactly!” Jules was bursting with excitement. “There’ll be all sorts of stuff there: exhibitors, panels and even cosplay.”

“Hang on. I can understand cosplay for things like Comic Con where people get dressed up as their favourite comic book characters. But cosplay for Wool Con?”

“Why not?” Mrs V said. “The yarnies get dressed up in all kinds of wool related costumes: Balls of wool, knitting needles—all kinds of things. It’s really quite exciting, and totally crazy. I haven’t been to Wool Con for years, but Jules seems very keen. We wondered if you’d mind if we both had the day off, so we can go together.”

“I guess not. It’s only one day.”

“Why don’t you come too, Jill,” Jules said. “The three of us can pick a theme, and dress up to match one another.”

“I don’t think so. It’s not really my thing.”

“Please, Jill. It’ll be fun.”

“I’ll think about it.”

Jules followed me through to my office.

“Jill, can I have a word?”

“Sure. What is it?”

“It’s about Jethro. I haven’t heard from him yet. Are you sure playing hard to get is going to work?”

“Oh yes, take it from me. It’s definitely the way to go.”

“Okay. I’ll just have to try to be patient.”

***

After my chat with Patricia Lewis, I’d decided to take a closer look at the Bugle articles relating to her husband’s murder. There was something about the whole affair that was still bugging me.

I logged onto the archive, and traced the progress of the murder investigation from the initial report when the body had been found near the canal. The police had been convinced Lewis had been murdered elsewhere, and his body dumped there. The front page of the paper that was published the day after the murder carried the headline ‘Extraordinary.’ I automatically assumed it would be about the murder case, but it turned out to be about a decision which had been made by the council to award a contract to a company called Tip Top Construction. Why would local politics have knocked a murder investigation off the front page? I read on, and it soon became clear that there was more than a whiff of corruption surrounding the decision. Under the contract, Tip Top would be responsible for all of the council’s construction work for the next four years. The Bugle insisted the residents of Washbridge should be up in arms about the decision. There had been two other bidders for the contract—both with track records, and both well regarded. The Bugle speculated that money had changed hands because during the crucial meeting, two councillors had apparently changed their votes at the very last minute, with the result that Tip Top were awarded the multi-million-pound contract.

Judging by the date of the article, that contract would have been up for renewal again. Another coincidence? There were already far too many of them for my liking. Maybe I should take a closer look at Tip Top Construction.

***

I had to have it out with Blake, so I waited outside his office again at lunchtime. I didn’t want to talk to him back in Smallwash in case Jen was around.

Just after midday, he came out.

“Blake!” I called to him.

He looked surprised to see me. “Jill, what are you doing here? It’s not Jen is it? Is she all right?”

“Jen’s fine. Look, there’s no delicate way to say this. You know I said I was going to pretend to follow you for a few days, and then report back to Jen?”

“Yes?”

“I didn’t like to lie to Jen, so I thought if I actually did follow you for a while, then I could tell her I’d tailed you without lying.”

“You must be very good at your job because I never spotted you.”

“Thanks. Anyway, I saw you pick up a young woman in your car, and then yesterday, I saw you having lunch with her. How am I supposed to tell Jen that everything’s okay?”

“Because it is.” He seemed unfazed by my revelation. “The woman you saw me with is Pamela. She’s my sister. She and her husband are having a few money problems at the moment, so they’ve only got the one car. Some days, Pamela doesn’t get to use it, so I give her a lift to work. And, occasionally we have lunch together. I can introduce you to her if you like?”

“No, that won’t be necessary. I’m sorry I jumped to conclusions.”

“That’s okay. There’s nothing going on, Jill. The only reason Jen thinks there is, is because I have to hide the fact that I’m a wizard.”

“Okay, I’m glad we cleared that up. I’ll report back to Jen, and let her know everything’s okay. Sorry again for misjudging you.”

“Don’t worry about it. I can promise you that Jen is the only woman for me.”

“I’d better get back to the office. I’ll update Jen tonight if I get the chance.”

***

That evening, the first thing I did when I got into the house, was look out of the back window to check the lawn. There were no new molehills. It looked like Mortimer had been as good as his word.

“I’ve been thinking,” Jack said when he got home. “We should get a cat.”

“What? Why on earth would you want a cat?”

“There are bound to be mice living in the field at the back. It’s only a matter of time before they find their way into the house. If we had a cat, we wouldn’t have to worry. Why don’t you bring that ugly cat of yours home? He could live here instead of at the office.”

“Winky?”

“Yeah.”

“Live here?”

“Yeah. Why not?”

“No way is Winky coming to live here.”

“But why?”

“He drives me insane.”

“What do you mean?”

How was I meant to answer that without looking like a complete nut-job?

“He just does.”

“Okay then, we’ll get another cat.”

“What happens if Winky finds out?”

“Sorry?” Jack looked at me as though I’d lost my mind. “What do you mean, ‘if he finds out’?”

“Nothing. I’ll think about it.” It was time to change the subject. “Look, have you seen the back garden? There are no fresh molehills.”

“Yeah, I noticed. How did you manage that?”

“I have skillz.”

“What did you do?”

“I can’t tell you. It’s a trade secret.”

Before Jack could press me further, there was a knock at the door. It was Megan.

“Are you okay, Megan?” Jack sounded a little too concerned for my liking.

“Yeah, it’s nothing really. I’m just being silly.”

“What is it?” I said. “Do you want to come in?”