Wrecked Book 4 (2 page)

Logan was already shaking his head, building up and preparing the perfect argument, but I wasn
’
t willing to listen to any of it.

“
I
’
m leaving Logan, because I have to... I
…
I just have to go.
”

And before he had a chance to say anything, I turned away and started walking. For a moment, I was pretty sure he tried to follow me, but I didn
’
t check to make sure. I had to be strong. By staring straight ahead and pretending like I didn
’
t care, like none of this mattered to me, then maybe he would leave me alone.

I heard the echoing of his footsteps behind me as he called out,
“
Wait. Please, Addy, let
’
s figure this out. Together.
”

But I wasn
’
t listening. I pretending like I couldn
’
t even hear him and just completely ignored his words. Eventually, he would have to let these things go. He
’
d have to accept that I was walking away from him.

For good, I silently promised myself.

I noticed silence as the footstep echoing stopped.
“
You can
’
t just run away from this, Addy!
”
Logan called after me, but his voice was already getting fainter. My pace was quick, and I was determined to make sure I drove my position home.

Can
’
t run from this? I thought to myself. Watch me.

I walked home in a state of numb exhaustion mixed in with a little bit of panic and shock.
Addy, I love you
. What was he thinking? Did he honestly believe that we could be in love? No, this was clearly some sort of emotional bond developed because of sex
…
At least, that was what it was for me. It was my first time and it was chemical, for me. I wanted to be around him all of the time, because he was my first and I felt a need to be close to the man I felt for enough to be with.

But chemical reactions didn
’
t make things like love between two people. It was about time and bonding and finding common ground. None of which we
’
d really done, right? The moments we
’
d had together were fleeting, passing. We spent more of the time knowing each other pitted against each other, deliberately attempting to be apart or
…
well, at least
I
spent most of my time knowing him trying to stay the hell away from him.

And for him? It wasn
’
t love, it was probably some sort of game to him. He thought it was funny that I tried so hard to stay away from him
—
and continuously failed, I admitted to myself miserably
—
which made him feel compelled to keep trying.

That was it. No love. No deep, meaningful, spend the rest of our lives together feelings. Just a mixture of biology and physical attraction.

All of this sounded very reasonable in my head as I walked determinedly down the sidewalk towards home. I didn
’
t look back, keeping my gaze forward.

The problem was, I wasn
’
t
feeling
reasonable, even if I was thinking along those lines. Inside, I felt like a hot mess. My heart was beating erratically, begging me to go back and tell him that it was all a big mistake. Really, I
did
want him and need him and I was stupid for constantly being so dead set on pushing him as far away from me as possible.

And while I knew that I couldn
’
t give into these things, I really, really wanted to. It was
all
I wanted to do
—
except for get home and even that would be better with Logan next to me. I wanted him in my room and in my bed. I wanted to repeat our night of passion and wrap myself up in him until I had no room left to think.

Which was exactly why I wasn
’
t letting my feet slow down, nor could I afford even the briefest lapse of looking back.

It was too risky.

So I walked along the sidewalk, my shoes make a soft echoing sound against the uneven pavement. Above me, an archway of trees followed me creating a canopy that was toned in dark oranges and brush strokes of red. Fall was hitting us hard, so close that I could smell pumpkin spice and apple cider in the air. Soon, Halloween would hit us and parties would abound. We
’
d be in November before any of us even had a chance to blink, and I
’
d be awash with midterms.

A welcome distraction at this point.

I wondered how Miranda was doing with her transition, her transferring mid-term, and all the catch up it had to entail. My gut churned with the memory of that moment I saw her standing there with Lexie, walking and talking as though they were the best of friends.

Oh, what a mess
that
was going to be.

Once, I
’
d been courteous enough to consider Lexie a friend, or at least a likable acquaintance that I was more than happy to have included in our circle of friends. But the more I learned of her, the less I liked her.

I always knew she was a bit of a party girl
—
though I had a feeling that I had no idea just
how much
of a party girl she was
—
and I knew that she was a terrible flirt, but after the things that were going on with Logan
…
well, I was starting to think she wasn
’
t exactly awash in good attributes.

It made me not trust her, and it made me worry about Miranda. I didn
’
t want to deal with Miranda, because I knew I was in the wrong. I
’
d ruined the poor girl
’
s life, taken away her sister and idol, but that didn
’
t mean I held anything against
her
. It just meant that the likelihood that we would ever be friends again was practically nonexistent. It meant she would probably never forgive me.

But that didn
’
t mean she had to throw her life away
…
by being the very thing she hated so much about me.

When I got back, Derek was sitting in my kitchen talking with his sister. I froze and contemplated turning around and going right back out the door before anyone noticed me. But it was too late. Kass spotted me and smiled, quickly waving me over.

No escape now,
I thought bleakly.

Weakly, I smiled back at my roommate.
“
Hey, didn
’
t expect to see you here,
”
I said, glancing over at her brother to address him. He
’
d texted me earlier to see if I was interested in hanging out
—
but I never responded. Instead, I went to see Logan.

What happened there
—
I did my best to push aside the lingering tingle caused by the feeling of his lips against mine, but his words still rattled around in my brain like loose bolts and spare parts.

Addy, I think I
’
m in love with you
.

I wasn
’
t supposed to be thinking about him
—
or considering his argument,
And I think maybe you do, too
—
much less kissing him. I was
supposed
to be thinking about Derek and how much fun we had together on our date.

Derek got up from his seat at the counter, putting down the mug of steaming hot coffee. Apparently, late night caffeine fixes was something that ran in their family. Kass had her own mug that she was sipping at.

He scratched his head, looking a little sheepish as he answered my question.
“
Well, I tried texting you,
”
he told me, which I knew was true. I
’
d just chosen to ignore his contact.
“
But I didn
’
t get a message back. Kass said you
’
d been feeling a little off lately
—”

Kass winced a little as he said this and immediately gave a shrug as if to apologize to me.

I gave her what I hoped was a mostly understanding, only slightly chastising look in return. At least, that was what I was going for.

Oblivious to this quick and silent exchange, Derek continued,
“—
so I asked if it was cool if I came over.
”
Maybe thinking that he sounded too forward or aggressive or maybe just embarrassed at his own eagerness, he quickly added,
“
And if you didn
’
t want to hang out or weren
’
t home that would totally be okay, too, since my little sister happens to live here and would be around to entertain me.
”

I managed to get out an only slightly strained laugh as she shoved at his shoulder playfully.
“
Yes, my purpose in life,
”
she said sarcastically. Turning to me, she asked,
“
Where were you anyway? After you came back from studying, I thought you
’
d be in for the night.
”

I did my best to remain neutral when her question hit, despite the panic that flash flooded my system. I couldn
’
t very well tell her I had gone to see Logan
—
especially with her brother sitting right there at the counter. And definitely not after I
’
d just told her that he wasn
’
t really around me anymore. Not to mention him having another female interest running around twirling her hair at him.

I
’
m sorry about the girl.

Hesitating for only a fraction of a second, I lied rather smoothly to the both of them.
“
Oh, I forgot my book in the study room at the library when I left. Had to go all the way back to campus for it.
”

The lie was so seamless and I was so sure that neither of them thought twice about my story, even though Kass knew how unlikely it was that I
’
d forget something school related, especially something important enough to go back for. Probably, she was chalking it up to stress and the revelation of what happened to Beck. She didn
’
t hate me, she promised, and made it clear she didn
’
t think it was something I should spend the rest of my life being haunted by.

But you can
’
t find out something like that about a friend and honestly not look at them differently. I knew Kass was doing her best, but there was no denying that things would always be a little different between us now.

I moved over to the counter and reached for one of the cabinets. Opening the door, I grabbed a mug and put it on the counter. There was still a half pot of coffee on the burner and I was hardly one to turn it down. I
’
d probably already had enough today, but between the thoughts that kept swimming through my head and my mixed feelings for Logan, I didn
’
t see sleep in my near future anyway. At least with some coffee in me, I could burn the midnight oil and maybe actually get some useful things done. Like homework.

I poured myself a cup of coffee, taking my time to fill it up carefully and blowing on it a little to help cool it down before finally taking a sip. I felt like they were watching me, as though maybe they didn
’
t entirely believe my story, but it was paranoia. Derek and Kass were looking at each other, not me, having a conversation that I
’
d missed half of, thanks to my need to extend my time at the coffee pot.

“…
that girl that Mark
’
s seeing?
”
Kass asked Derek.

He nodded his head, taking a quick sip before responding,
“
Yeah, you mentioned her. A real weirdo, right?
”

Kass nodded her head.
“
Mhm.
”

“
What about her?
”

“
I heard she
’
s hanging out with Lexie now,
”
she said. Her words sounded suspiciously like gossip and part of me reminded the rest of me that I wasn
’
t interested in gossip
—
and really never had been
—
but I couldn
’
t help but be intrigued. Mostly because it was about Lexie.