Wrecked Book 4 (4 page)

I was still shaken up by the dream when I got ready for school that morning. It had been so vivid, so real, and in the dream, I
’
d done absolutely nothing to deter Logan
’
s advances. Worse, my body was still responding as though it had been real. I was on fire, my skin shiny with sweat and my heart pounding in my chest. Inside, I felt as though all of me was pulsing with desire.

For Logan, which was the problem.

I solved that problem by pretending it didn
’
t exist and going straight to the shower. A cold shower. I was shivering with goose bumps all along my skin when I got out, but I didn
’
t feel like I was filled with molten lava about to spill over and around my body at any moment.

So I guess that was something.

I got ready quickly, focusing on picking out the right books, something cute, but demure to wear, and straightening my hair until it was flat, shiny, and in no way wild to speak of.

The result was I looked
boring
. Inside, there was still a big part of me that hated that. That just wanted to be
myself
for a change and embrace the passion for life that was within me. But the last time I
’
d done that, I
’
d gotten my best friend killed.

No, better to be boring and not hurt anyone, than to be true to myself and end up wounding the people in my life who mattered the most.

It was an easy sacrifice to make, I told myself. And it served as a type of punishment, too. Anyone who knew the old me would have to see that being cooped up while I pushed the darker parts of my nature down would have to know that I wasn
’
t happy.

I
’
m not happy
.

It was the first time in a long time that I admitted to myself that the decisions I
’
d made since high school weren
’
t making me happy with life. I ignored them most of the time, because who cared whether or not I was happy? I wasn
’
t doing all of this for me, after all. I was doing this for Beck.

Not that Miranda could see that.

Letting out a sound of frustration and a little hopelessness, I grabbed my packed bag and my sweater, then headed out. I tromped down the stairs quickly, not worrying about whether or not I was being too loud. If they were still asleep at this hour, then that was their own problem.

I wasn
’
t going to worry about it. God knew, I had enough on my plate already.

Kass was in the kitchen sipping at some milk as I blew past her. I gave her a quick wave and she called out to me, but I didn
’
t stop to hear what she said. I fled for the door as quickly as possible, determined to get the hell out of there without having to address anything that might have happened last night, what was supposed to happen today, and most importantly, what my traitorous mind might have been feeding me while I slept.

The door slammed behind me and I headed towards campus at a brisk pace. I pulled my coat on and closed it tightly around my body. Glancing at my watch, I realized that I was a little early. Not to the point that I would get there before anyone else was
—
there were always a few early birds lingering
—
but it would be more than a few minutes before class started.

Deciding that meant I had some time for coffee
—
my new and kindest addiction
—
I headed towards the coffee shop I usually frequented when I wanted some me time. The campus was giving off a soft buzz of early morning activity. Everyone I passed had that expression of yawning tiredness, that half dead expression that suggested not enough sleep or too much alcohol or just plain old continuous stress. Some people were frantically studying their books as they walked, as though a big test was that day and there was just too much to know, too much to expect and they were left awash in despair and hopelessness.

I stopped outside of the coffee shop, hesitating as I stared at it. The corner walls where the door was were made mostly of glass. There were tables inside lining the walls, allowing for students and professors and any other potential patrons to sit at these tables to easily see outside onto the campus. There were several occupied tables now, though the majority of them were empty. Most people were getting their morning coffee to go, aiming to get a little pick me up before the start of class or before a big study session.

Midterms were coming up fairly quickly, after all.

Inside, I saw a young woman sitting at one of the tables. Her books were set out in front of her, though she was staring out the window instead of looking down at them. Her blonde hair was pulled back away from her face, as though she didn
’
t have enough time to do anything with it that morning before leaving. Her make-up was done heavily, making her look older than she probably was, and beneath her large, warm coat, I imagined that she was dressed to impress
—
in all the wrong ways.

She was a pretty girl, I thought, and her text book and the fact that it was before noon suggested that she was a fairly intelligent, hard working student
—
all assumptions on my part, of course. But I couldn
’
t shake the feeling of irritation and anger that I got from seeing her sitting there.

I pursed my lips and turned away from the coffee shop as I realized just what it was that bothered me so much about her. She reminded me of Lexie.

Worse, that whole
place
reminded me of Lexie. She had taken over that place, sitting there with her lattes and her heavy eye makeup, crossing her legs like she owned the place. I no longer felt like it was somewhere I could go to get away from people and the pressures of this
‘
good girl
’
life. Now, it was tainted with
her
and if I wanted coffee, I was going to have to go somewhere else to get it.

Angrily, I stomped away from my favorite little coffee shop. I was annoyed at being forced away from a place where I usually took refuge. And it was all Lexie
’
s fault.

My mind flashed to the way she was stumbling next to Miranda, both of them laughing hysterically about nothing. I couldn
’
t shake the feeling that something was really wrong with that picture. Miranda was stressing me out a lot, but that didn
’
t mean I wanted her to get into trouble. And the more I got to know her, the more I was pretty sure that
Lexie
was trouble.

I thought about talking to Miranda, explaining that she shouldn
’
t be trying so hard to ruin her life, but the thought quickly passed right through.

Who was
I
to tell her things like that?

Shaking my head, I continued to walk towards my class. I
’
d just wait there until it started. I really didn
’
t need any more coffee. Yesterday I
’
d had an awful lot, staying up talking with Derek and Kass.

Derek.

I winced. I was supposed to meet him for coffee after my classes today. He so earnestly seemed interested in me, and I had to admit that I definitely liked him. He was sweet and attractive, and the whole musician thing was pretty hot, even if he wasn
’
t going to be the next big pop star or anything.

My problem wasn
’
t with Derek. It was with the fact that I was having intense dreams about
Logan
that was my problem. If I could push him away, erase him from my mind, I was sure I could focus on Derek long enough to make things work.

Sighing, I shook my head. This was such a mess.

The dream had been so vivid. I could
feel
the way he touched me, how his body felt pressed against my skin, how his scent filled my breath. But it was just a dream and I had to push it away, just like I was pushing Logan away.

Addy, I love you
.

Derek was my future
—
or at least, my immediate future and the type of long term future I was supposed to be looking for. I just had to remind myself of that.

I reached my classroom where several students were waiting outside. A few of them I recognized, though I couldn
’
t place their faces with any names. I didn
’
t know them well enough for that. A boy was sitting with his laptop open in front of him as he sat cross-legged on the floor, hunched over. He had glasses and several papers spread out in front of him. He was typing diligently, not stopping for anything or anyone. He didn
’
t even notice me as I passed him to stand on the other end of the wall. There were also a couple of girls talking quietly. They were smiling and giggling on occasion, but nothing obnoxiously.

Other than that, the hall was empty. I leaned against the wall, waiting for class. When arriving early to a class, it was usually okay for students to take their seats early to wait for the professor to show up. That being said, there was another class in there before us and it wasn
’
t a good idea to walk in on a class that you weren
’
t even in.

So we all waited outside.

Eventually the class before us let out. Students poured from the door and I didn
’
t envy them. I had some early classes and was mostly okay with that, but they had
extra
early classes. There were only a few like that, because professors didn
’
t want to get up that early any more than students did. Even so, there were a few classes that students who needed an especially early schedule could take. This happened to be one of them.

As the last of the students exited, I saw the professor follow. He yawned as he passed me and for a moment I just watched him in disbelief. Who knew that professors could fall out of professor mode?

After that, those of us waiting in the hall started filing in. We scattered across the large auditorium, taking seats at various locations. I sat near the front so that I could have a better chance at paying attention. A lot of people made fun of the people who sat in front, but I ignored any of the comments that might have been directed at me. My education was important. I
’
d made that decision a long time ago, and I wasn
’
t going to listen to some stupid kid mock me for trying hard.

I pulled out my notebook and my pen, as well as my text book, setting it out on my small desk so that I was fully prepared for when class started.

I almost laughed at myself when I thought about how much I
’
d changed.

Where was the girl who always sat in the back? Where was the girl who slept during class and partied all night? Where was the girl who didn
’
t care what teachers had to say, because they didn
’
t know the first thing about the real world?

I thought I
’
d known everything back then, but looking back, I felt pretty ridiculous. Who was I fooling? I was just some dumb kid.

Cracking a small smile, I shook my head a little at myself and was grateful that I
’
d grown up a little, even if it wasn
’
t a result of the best of circumstances.

Five minutes before class was about to start, I remembered my cell phone. I fished it out of my bag and woke it up
—
I didn
’
t want it going off during class. As I did so, I saw that I had a new message.

From Logan.

Give me a chance.

I shut it down immediately, turning it completely off after putting it on silent. I couldn
’
t deal with this now. I wasn
’
t sure I could deal with this
ever
.

When class got out, I didn
’
t check my phone. In fact, I didn
’
t check my phone until I
’
d gotten to the dining hall and Kass asked me if I was still going to meet for coffee. I cursed silently to myself, remembering our coffee date plans. They were set for lunch and I didn
’
t know exactly where he wanted to meet me, so I
’
d have to call or text him to find out.

Which meant checking my phone
…

“
Damnit,
”
I said out loud, wanting anything but having to check my phone.