Wrecked Book 4 (8 page)

It anything, it made me dread the meeting even more.

Logan had texted me back quickly, agreeing to meet up with me in the quad.

I left my house quietly, making sure that no one was around to see me go or to ask me any questions about what I was doing. It felt a lot like old times, sneaking out of the house and making sure that mom wasn
’
t around. Maybe
too
much like the old times. I felt like I was reverting a lot lately back towards the old me, the old Ri.

I walked towards Old Main. It was becoming my most frequented place here on campus, other than my classes. I felt like I was here more than anywhere else, and not just passing through, though I knew that wasn
’
t really right. It was just because I
’
d met Logan here twice now
—
and Derek here once
—
so it felt like I was just always just coming here.

It was the place I went for clandestine meetings apparently.

When I got there, he was standing with his hands shoved into his pockets as he glanced around at the basically empty campus. He was wearing dark jeans and a black t-shirt again. It emphasized his muscular build. His light blonde hair was pulled back into a low ponytail. Strands escaped the band, hanging around his face. He should have looked messy to me, almost as if just rolling out of bed, but I felt a shudder of warmth go through my body at the sight of him. He was always so attractive to me, and I knew it wasn
’
t just the bad boy thing, either.

I took a moment to just look at him. I knew that beneath that shirt was a chest that was a masterpiece of tattoos, each one covering up a scar given to him in his youth. I didn
’
t have the whole story
—
we
’
d never really gotten the chance to discuss it
—
but I knew he was afraid of becoming violent, and I was pretty sure that those scars were from his father.

“
Hey,
”
I called to him after a moment, walking the rest of the way towards him. I stopped a few feet from him. I didn
’
t want to be too close; that had the potential for disaster.
“
Thank you for meeting me.
”

At the sound of my voice, he spun around quickly. He stared at me with bright, swirling blue eyes and I realized that the expression on his face was hope.

That made this harder. Pain shot through my chest and I bit my lip, guilt swimming through me. I didn
’
t want him to think this was about the potential of us getting together. This was about me finally explaining things so he understood
why
we couldn
’
t be together. Ever.

“
Anytime,
”
he said and made it clear that he meant it.
“
If you ever need me, don
’
t be afraid to call on me. I
’
ll be here as soon as I can. For whatever you need.
”

He was being so sweet, so earnest. And that was just going to make this all the harder.

“
Thank you, Logan,
”
I told him sincerely. I did appreciate what he was saying, and how he felt about me. I
’
d been fighting it for a long while now, ever since he told me, but I couldn
’
t deny that hearing that from any man was flattering. Hearing that from
Logan
was like a jolt of electricity rushing through me. And I wished desperately that I could hold onto it, but I couldn
’
t. Which made his feelings and his earnestness all the harder to deal with.
“
But I don
’
t want you to feel like you
…
like you owe me anything.
”

I tried to choose my words carefully, but it was difficult and I could tell by the way he was frowning that he didn
’
t like what I
’
d said.

“
I didn
’
t come here or say that because I feel like I
owe
you anything,
”
he told me, his eyes darkening slightly as a frown came over his features. He realized that this wasn
’
t about me telling him that I loved him back. This wasn
’
t about us getting together.
“
I said that because I mean it. I
’
m here for you, because I
love
you, Addy.
”

I swallowed hard. Heat flushed through my body, warming me up as my heart pounded heavily against my ribcage. Every time I heard him say it, it caused such a strong reaction in me. I wished desperately that I could
—

I shook my head and tried to focus. I came here with a purpose. My decision was made and it wasn
’
t for Logan, no matter how much he seemed to care about me.

“
I know,
”
I whispered quietly, doing my best to be firm but kind. I
’
d already tried hurting him
—
or at least, inadvertently hurting him and then using that hurt
—
to push him away, and that hadn
’
t worked out so well. I didn
’
t want to cause him pain, I just needed him to understand.
“
And I
…
I have strong feelings for you, too.
”
I couldn
’
t make myself say love. Whatever I felt for Logan, I wasn
’
t convinced yet that it was love.

He took a step closer to me, the hope returning to his eyes.

I put my hands out in front of me to stop him before he got too close.
“
But that doesn
’
t make us right together,
”
I told him as gently as I could. He opened his mouth to speak, probably to contradict me or tell me that I didn
’
t know what I was talking about, but I pushed forward quickly before he got the chance.
“
I
’
m a different person than I used to be, Logan. Or at least I
’
m trying to be. It
’
s important that I am, because the person I was
…”
I hesitated. I didn
’
t want to say it, but I had to.
“
She wasn
’
t a very good person. She got people hurt because she was reckless and dumb and didn
’
t care about anyone but herself. And you bring her back to the surface. I can
’
t seem to push her back down when you
’
re around, and I
need
to.
”

“
Addy,
”
Logan said, his voice sounding smooth and soothing.
“
What are you talking about? You
’
re an amazing person. I can
’
t imagine you hurting
anyone
, not intentionally.
”

I shook my head.
“
But I
did
hurt someone. I hurt them very much and
—”
I couldn
’
t say that I
’
d killed Beck. That was too much right now. The wound was too raw and though I needed him to understand, I couldn
’
t reach that point.
“
I just can
’
t go back to being like that. And unfortunately, that
’
s who I want to be when I
’
m around you.
”

Logan shook his head, frowning and clearly upset at what I was telling him. He didn
’
t look like he was very happy with what I was saying and seemed determined to argue against me. He wanted to talk me out of my decision
—
but I knew he couldn
’
t.

I was right. We weren
’
t good for each other. We brought out the worst traits, didn
’
t we? Maybe I hadn
’
t brought them out in Logan yet, but I would, once the old me resurfaced and I became that same dangerous, reckless girl again. It was inevitable and I couldn
’
t let it happen.

I was doing this for
both
our sakes, right?

“
You were the one who told me that we
’
re not destined to repeat the past, aren
’
t you?
”
he countered and I thought I could hear a little bit of desperation in his voice.

I shook my head.
“
That
’
s not what I meant. I said that I didn
’
t think you were destined for violence,
”
I explained, crossing my arms over my chest, tempted to look away, but unable to tear my eyes away from that stormy gaze of his.
“
You won
’
t be your father. I know you won
’
t. You
aren
’
t
. I know it, because I
’
ve seen how you are. You protect people, you don
’
t hurt them. But me?
”

I finally closed my eyes. A lump formed in my throat, and I wasn
’
t sure that I
’
d be able to swallow past it.
“
I
’
m
the problem. Not because of my mom or because of some other influence.
I
was the bad influence. I always have been.
”

Logan stepped closer to me. I could feel him near me, so close that I could feel the heat radiating from his body, but I still refused to open my eyes.
“
Okay, fine then,
”
he said, his voice strong and determined.
“
I
’
m
saying that we
’
re not destined to repeat the past. So you made some mistakes.
”

I winced. Mistakes? I
’
d gotten someone
killed
. That wasn
’
t a mistake
—
that might as well have been murder.

“
That doesn
’
t mean that you
’
re going to make them again,
”
he told me, his hands reaching out to grab my upper arms. He held me tightly, but not so tight that it hurt. His grip was firm and reassuring and it left me with the urge to fall against his chest. I just wanted to be wrapped up in his embrace and stop fighting everything that had been going on.

Was it really so wrong to want to be with him? To want to be
me
?

I remembered Beck and I in the water that night and I knew the answer. I couldn
’
t go back.

Taking a deep breath, I forced myself to step back and when I was firmly out of his grip and his reach, I finally opened my eyes. I could see the need in them, see the desire, but I couldn
’
t do this. I couldn
’
t risk it.

“
I
’
m sorry, Logan,
”
I told him softly, shaking my head.
“
I have feelings for you, I do. And I wish I didn
’
t have to fight them so hard.
”
He looked ready to say something, but before I let him, I held up a hand and shook my head.
“
No, listen. I wish I didn
’
t have to, but I do. The way I
’
m not going to repeat the past is by making different decisions than the old me would have. And the old me
…
she would have fallen in love with you. Which means I can
’
t. I just can
’
t, Logan.
”

He looked hurt. His shoulders were slumped and his arms hung limply at his sides. He stared at me with dark pools of blue, but it was a dull, dark blue, no longer the swirling mix of colors I always loved so much.