Wrestling With Love (20 page)

D.H. Starr

Wrestling With Love

your drinking limit and when to slow down seemed to be as big a lesson learned at the beginning of college as the content of the courses. Neither Derek nor Scott struggled with their studies, so they had plenty of time to take advantage of their life in the heart of Boston.

They took Boston’s train system, called the T, to various parts of the city and walked around, window shopping and spending as much time together as they could. Sometimes others would join them and they were happy for the company, but it was their time alone that both of them loved best.

Their living situation had turned out better than either of them could have hoped for. They had heard roommate horror stories from other students; stories about best friends who were now enemies. For Derek, Scott was as compatible in his living styles as anyone could be.

The one thing that remained a constant drain on what would have otherwise been a perfect arrangement, was the disconnect between them in terms of sexual connection. Derek had learned how to adjust his throat to take Scott all the way in without gagging, and based on Scott’s ability to wring orgasms out of him, his ability seemed to move along the same path. Yet the one thing Derek had wanted, to connect on that final level, remained just out of reach.

He could have initiated the sex. Nothing in Scott’s behavior suggested he was against it, but nothing in his behavior suggested he was for it either. That was the part that rankled him. Derek didn’t understand how they could go so long without Scott clueing in. Rather than confront him about it, he kept his feelings to himself, all the while remembering what Josh had told him about communication and wondering why he was being so stubborn.

On Friday, before one of their trips into the city, they stopped by the Student Center to get their mail. Although both of them lived literally minutes away from their college, their parents still sent them care packages. The food, pens, and other miscellaneous supplies were unnecessary, but neither of them said anything, enjoying being spoiled while still adjusting to taking care of themselves.

As they walked to their mailboxes, Derek noticed a pink neon flyer that was posted on the bulletin board. It announced an upcoming meeting of the LGBT Alliance on Monday at 7:00 p.m. in the Arts Center. Derek had been looking for information about the LGBT Alliance, but had felt uncomfortable asking anyone about the group. He had seen Tyrell around campus, but ever since their lunch where he had misconstrued Derek’s question about first times, he didn’t want to ask him about anything to do with being gay or going to The Alliance events. Besides, Scott continued to warn him about Tyrell each time they crossed his path.

Still seeing the flier brought back all of his desires to make a connection with someone else who was gay. Someone who wasn’t Scott. Someone he could talk to so he would know he wasn’t alone in his feelings and experiences. He jotted the information down on one the letters from his mailbox and put his things in his book bag. 96

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Once they had settled into their seats on the T, Derek turned to Scott. “There was a notice in the mailroom about a LGBT Alliance meeting on Monday. I’d like to go and see what it’s all about, but just wanted to run it by you first.” Derek was going to go to the meeting whether Scott wanted him to or not, but he would feel better if Scott was supportive. Despite Scott’s insistence that he didn’t want to come out, he had also been clear that he didn’t want to stand in Derek’s way either. While this wasn’t entirely satisfactory to him, it was better than nothing and he didn’t want to push too hard, especially when there was a much bigger issue on his mind that lingered between the two of them.

Scott looked at him and sighed. “To be honest with you, I’m surprised it’s taken you this long to bring it up. I was sure you would have told me you were going to one of the meetings within the first week of school.”

“I probably would have if I’d seen a flyer before now, but this was the first one I’ve come across all year. I didn’t want to just go up to people and ask about it. Even I’m not ready to be that out yet.” He was pleased with Scott’s reaction and placed his hand on Scott’s leg, giving him a light squeeze.

Scott flinched, looking at Derek’s hand on his leg, then around the car they were riding in to see if anyone had been watching them. “Derek, come on. We’re in public.”

He pulled his hand away, the sting of Scott’s words lingering, but Derek kept his feelings to himself. “Sorry, it was just a natural action. I didn’t even think about what I was doing.” Scott smiled, but remained slightly stiff. Attempting to break the tension, Derek said, “I’m glad you don’t have a problem with me going to the meeting.”

Scott relaxed as he turned to face Derek. In doing so, it forced Derek’s hand to fall away from his leg. “If it will make you happy to go, then go. A part of me is interested to see what it’s like as well. Before you get any ideas, I’m not so interested that I’m willing to go to a meeting, but I’m confident you’ll be able to explain the meeting to me with a fair degree of detail.”

“Gee, thanks. I’m so glad you have that much confidence in me.” He was sure Scott was trying to be playful, but his comments only raked against his already frayed nerves, coming off as condescending rather than humorous. An image of the two of them walking in New York City, hand in hand, flashed through Derek’s mind. He wished he could show his affection the way Scott had allowed him to there. Beck’s uncle, Josh, had warned Derek things would probably return to the more private and guarded ways he was used to, but Derek had hoped Scott would have let his guard down a least a little. Remembering what Josh had said about differences creating problems, fear whipped through his chest, leaving a cold trail in its wake and causing the hairs on the back of his neck to rise. They sat in silence for a while, Derek continuing to have his inner dialogue. Eventually, Scott turned to him with a hint of apprehension in his eyes. “Listen, I don’t want you to get mad, but there’s a party in the dorm. I was talking to the resident leader, Elizabeth McCannery, and she was complaining about the cost of the DJs for 97

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these parties. She said along with charging students for beer, they had to tack onto the cost of the party for a DJ. I kind of let her know you’re an amazing mixer. She was really interested and asked me how much you charge. I asked how much they normally pay someone for one of the parties and she said two hundred and fifty dollars. I promised her I’d ask if you might be willing to mix for the party at a reduced rate.”

Scott’s eyes looked round and innocent, like a puppy dog’s. “I hope you don’t mind that I did that.”

Derek laughed. It was so like Scott to bring up a topic of conversation which could so quickly divert the unpleasant thoughts running through his head and fill him with excitement. He had been the person everyone asked to mix for the parties in high school and had been disappointed to leave his mixing equipment at home. Now, maybe he’d be able to mix in college as well. It didn’t matter whether he was paid. Creating the music to set the mood of a party had always been something that made him feel good. Plus, the fact that Scott had taken the initiative in plugging Derek to their dorm RA was flattering and helped Derek to place Scott’s minor rejections into perspective. It might not have been the specific initiative he really wanted Scott to take, but it was a step in the right direction. It showed that he was on Scott’s mind. Elizabeth, his R. A., had been the senior class president; the one who spoke to the entire freshman class during orientation. He loved her and would do whatever she wanted. “Why would I be mad at you? I miss my mixing. I would do it for free.”

Scott raised an eyebrow. “I said I would do it for free, but I’ll charge them a hundred dollars.” Derek had never considered charging for mixing before. It had always been something he did because he loved it. This was an intriguing idea. He could do what he loved and also get paid for it. “Maybe I can mix for other dorm parties as well and we can earn money to take another trip to New York.”

Scott’s eyes lit up. “I would love to go to New York with you again. We travel very well together.” He leaned in, placing his mouth next to Derek’s ear. Hot breath tickled the skin of his neck, a touch of mint surrounding him as Scott whispered in his ear. The same chill from moments earlier ran through Derek, but this time it left a trail of excitement and heightened sensitivity in its wake. “Besides, I’ve been thinking about how awesome it was to be able to walk down the street and hold your hand, or kiss you, without looking over my shoulder, wondering who’s watching us. The words changed the frenetic chills to a liquid warmth that spread through his body, heating most notably in his groin. To have Scott acknowledge his desire to show public affection, to know he had been thinking about the same things Derek had, erased weeks of frustration. As much as he wanted to acknowledge his feelings, to let Scott know his relief and happiness, he didn’t, afraid it would cause Scott to regret having said anything in the first place.

As they discussed the party and what he might mix, they changed their plans and decided to go to Harvard Square so Derek could check out some records. Getting off at the Massachusetts Avenue stop, they walked through the tunnels to the Red Line. Once in Harvard Square, they headed to the record shop where Derek purchased what he 98

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needed for the party. Scott had become good at picking out sounds that would mix well together. Ever since Derek had first showed him how he mixed music during their senior year, he had come to enjoy participating in the slow but magical process of taking isolated sounds and turning them into compilations designed to elicit a specific mood in a party.

Back at the dorm, they ran into Elizabeth sitting in the first floor lounge. She smiled and waved for them to come and join her and her friends. They sat down and made small talk for a while until, unable to contain himself, Scott interrupted Elizabeth in the middle of a story. “Guess what? Derek said he would mix for the party. He said he would only charge a hundred bucks. It’s a steal. Trust me, I’ve heard him mix for parties before and you’re getting way more than your money’s worth.”

Derek managed to keep his mouth shut, but to hear Scott get so excited about him, singing his praises with such pure admiration, fueled his arousal. Elizabeth beamed a radiant smile and turned towards Derek. “Really, that’s excellent. I was excited when Scott told me you DJ for parties, but I didn’t want to make a big deal of it in case it wasn’t something you wanted to do.”

Derek was flattered. He liked how Elizabeth managed to make people feel important without being obvious. She had a way of enforcing rules without seeming like she was power-hungry and without making people feel stupid. Plus, as far as girls went, she was really cute. Blonde shoulder length hair, blue eyes which rivaled Scott’s, high cheekbones, alabaster skin. Even gay, Derek could see she was sexy. Returning his attention to the party, he faced Elizabeth. “So, what’s the mood you’re going for? The music at other dorm parties has been basic pop radio songs. Are you looking for something like that or more techno-dance stuff?”

Elizabeth raised a perfectly sculpted eyebrow. “I’m impressed. You take this seriously don’t you?” She and her friends all turned their attention to Derek. Scott was sitting quietly to the side, smiling proudly. “I don’t think we want it to be like a dance club. That would definitely bring attention to our dorm and we might find it difficult to get party permits in the future. However, if you can spice up classic music so it’s danceable, that would be perfect. Can you do that?”

“Definitely!” Derek loved being given instructions on what to mix. The more he knew about what the party planner wanted the mood to be, the better he was able to mix songs which fit the bill. “I’ll head to my parent’s place to begin mixing tonight.”

“Great, and thanks. I can’t wait to hear your music. Let me know if there’s anything you need.”

“Actually, is there anyone with a big car or a van? I’m going to need to bring my mixing equipment and my sound system to the dorm and it won’t all fit in my car.”

Elizabeth told him she would arrange for someone to help pick up his stuff the next morning.

Scott and Derek hung out for a few more minutes, then walked up to their room. When they got there, Scott sat down and looked at Derek without saying anything. 99

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Derek dug through his desk drawer trying to find his keys. If he was going to mix for a party the next night, he’d have to go home and begin mixing. Finally he found them and grabbed his coat from the back of his chair. Turning to Scott, he stopped everything, taken aback by the penetrating stare that greeted him. “What’s wrong?”

Scott stood up. “Nothing.” He took a few steps closer to Derek. “It’s just you’re incredible and I don’t know how I got so lucky to have such a smart, hot, and talented guy as my boyfriend.”

Derek felt the hairs on his arms bristle. Whenever Scott looked at him with a seductive glance or said something that reflected his feelings, his body reacted physically. “If I have to prepare a mix for tomorrow night, you’re hauling your ass back to Cambridge with me and keeping me company.” He grabbed his cell in one hand and Scott’s arm in the other, then hit speed dial. His mother answered the phone just as Derek pulled Scott from the room. “Hey, Mom, are you guys going to be around tonight? You are? Good. Scott and I are on our way over… No, everything’s fine… Yes, I’m keeping up with my studies…. Mom! I’ll be home in half an hour…. lasagna!