Wrestling With Love (16 page)

“It sure is. I was checking you out the second we left the athletic building. You’re hot.” Tyrell was clearly comfortable expressing his sexual attraction to Derek which was flattering, but it caused him to fall back on old habits. All through high school he had masked his true identity by blending in, falling into the background. To be approached by a complete stranger publicly declaring his attraction in front of a group of strangers set him on edge, even if no one seemed to be paying attention to them. Man up, Derek. This is what you wanted. To live openly and honestly as a gay man.

“Uh, thanks? I think.” Derek wondered if there was something about him which suggested he was gay. He had never thought of himself as obvious, but Tyrell seemed to know right away.

“Aw, hell. Are you one of those guys who can’t handle a gay guy telling you how fine you look? Damn, you didn’t seem like that type.” His tone had gone from flirtatious to accusing and he was staring at Derek as if he were sizing him up and making a snap decision about the kind of person he was.

“No. Not at all. I just never met anyone who was so direct about, you know, who they are.” Derek wondered why he couldn’t have just said the word gay. He also wondered how Tyrell could make such a bold statement about who Derek was as a person without even knowing him.

“You mean you’ve never met a guy who told you he was gay right from the start?”

Tyrell tone sounded almost hostile by this point.

Derek didn’t know whether to feel embarrassed or annoyed. After all, he hadn’t done anything to Tyrell to deserve accusation and judgment. Squaring his shoulders and allowing his muscles to push at his clothing, revealing his size, Derek faced Tyrell. In a strong voice but controlled voice, he responded. “No, I haven’t met anyone who’s told me right off that he’s gay. But I don’t have a problem with gay people, if that’s what you’re getting at.”

Tyrell looked at Derek critically. “Hmm. You’re not afraid to come back at me and aren’t taking my crap. You’re okay.”

“Gee, thanks. I’m so glad you approve.” He hadn’t tried to hide the sarcasm in his voice. Now that Tyrell had returned to a friendlier tone, Derek decided he was annoyed.

Tyrell flashed a bright smile once again. “Aw, don’t be like that, Doll. I kind of come off harsh at first, but deep down I’m a real sweetie.”

Derek was unimpressed. It was novel to meet someone his own age who was so comfortable with his sexuality, but to become accusatory toward complete strangers was wrong. “I’ll reserve my judgment on that.”

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Tyrell’s laugh sounded heartfelt. “A feisty one. I like it. You and I will be friends. I can tell.” Derek wasn’t sure Tyrell was someone he wanted to be friends with, but something in his mind told him to hold off on making any decisions. Once Hank had completed the campus tour, he asked if anyone had any questions for him. Tyrell was the first to raise his hand. “I was wondering what you know about the LGBT Association. Is it active or is it one of those keep-to-yourself closet groups who meet in secret locations every once in a while?”

Hank didn’t seem rattled by Tyrell’s question or the blatantly offensive manner in which it had been asked. “There are tons of lesbian, gay, and bisexual students attending BU who are very open about their preferences. I don’t personally know of any transsexuals, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t here. My roommate is gay and he’s actively involved with the LGBT Alliance on campus. It’s a fairly active club. BU makes a banner and walks in Boston’s Gay Pride Parade with the other colleges and universities in the area. They also sponsor fundraisers to support some of Boston’s organizations which help homeless gay youth. They’re pretty big on community education as well.”

Derek was impressed. Not only with Hank’s depth of knowledge about gay life on campus, but with the extent of the work done by the group. This wasn’t just some little club that gathered in secret. It was a well-established, proud organization that did things Derek would enjoy doing. He made a note to find out when the group met and check it out. Maybe Scott would want to join him. He immediately modified his thinking. Don’t push him. That won’t help anything.

At the conclusion of the day’s activities, the group played one last get-to-know-you game where Hank called out various experiences and anyone who the comment applied to had to step forward. He started with general comments like, If you’re seventeen, step forward or If you are from the east coast, step forward. But, Hank had prepared some really interesting questions as well. One that particularly caught Derek’s attention was, Have any of you succumbed to peer pressure? Most of the group stepped forward and several shared their experiences. By the end of their meeting, Derek could see how this structured practice of letting people get to know each other in small numbers was an excellent way to help people realize they had a lot more in common with each other than they would have guessed.

Derek had really enjoyed the experience, with the exception of his interaction with Tyrell, but he really wanted to see Scott. Dinner was in an hour and Hank told the group they could hang out or go to their dorm rooms. Derek headed back to his room hoping Scott was there.

When he got to the room, he was disappointed to find it empty. Alone, Derek’s mind took over as he replayed the events from orientation. It was eating away at him the way Tyrell had acted. He had never met anyone who jumped to such immediate conclusions about him. Although he admired Tyrell’s openness about being gay, he didn’t like the fact that sexuality seemed to be the only thing he cared about. It also bothered him that Tyrell had singled him out.

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Derek had never thought of himself as blatant, but Tyrell had somehow known he was gay. Why didn’t I tell him I’m gay and have a boyfriend? Since thinking was only getting him riled up, he decided to call Beck. Her first day at Brandeis was Wednesday so she would probably be home. Her phone rang a few times before she picked up.

“Hel-lo.” She sounded out of breath.

Derek was relieved to hear her voice. “Hey Beck, I have a question for you. Do you think I come off as obviously gay?”

“Huh?” Beck’s voice had a raspy edge to it.

“I asked if you think people can tell I’m gay just by how I look and act.”

“No, not at all. Why? Mmmm…”

“I just got back to my room from orientation. There was this guy named Tyrell who came onto me and then got all hostile when I wasn’t receptive to him.”

“Uh-huh….uh…”

Derek held the phone away from his face and looked at it, cocking his head to the side. Returning the phone to his ear, he continued. “Beck, is something the matter? You sound really weird.”

“Right there. What was that, Derek?”

“I asked if everything’s alright?”

“Oh my God. That’s it, what you’re doing to my clit….” Derek threw the phone from him. Beck couldn’t have possibly said what he thought she just said. Slowly walking towards his phone, he picked it up as if it were a large spider or some other unwelcome bug and tentatively brought it back to his ear. “Beck?”

“Derek, you’re there. Sorry. George was just eating me out and I was really close when you called. Now, what were you asking me?”

Derek had the urge to toss his phone away once again, but refrained since he didn’t want to damage it. “Beck! Why the fuck did you bother answering if you were in the middle of…yuck!”

Beck’s voice took on an air of menace. “Don’t you give me shit! You’re the one who called me, remember?”

“Yes, but I assumed if you were otherwise…um…involved, you would let it go to voicemail.” Derek couldn’t shake the image of George buried between Beck’s legs and felt his stomach churn.

“Whatever. What do you want?” Beck’s voice was slightly less venomous.

“Never mind. I’ll call you later. Tell George I said hi. And tell him I said good job too, I guess.” Derek clicked his phone shut and shuddered. At least he wasn’t obsessing about his interaction with Tyrell any longer. He could always count on Beck to distract him, even if the distraction made him nauseous.

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Chapter Seven

“What are you doing on the floor?” Scott walked over to Derek, plopped down next to him, and wrapped an arm around his shoulders.

Derek leaned his head against Scott’s shoulder. “Just reading. It’s been a long day. I’m really glad to see you.” He tilted his head so he faced Scott and gave him a gentle kiss on the cheek.

Scott removed his arm from Derek’s shoulder and placed his palm face up on Derek’s lap. Derek reached down and traced the lines with his finger. As he concentrated on the warmth beneath his fingertips, Scott continued talking in a soothing voice. “How was your small group session?”

“It was good. I like how they do this for incoming freshman. There was this one creepy guy, though. His name is Tyrell and he basically came onto me and then treated me like I was some gay basher when I didn’t respond in kind.” Derek felt a small twinge of guilt, as if he had done something wrong to attract Tyrell’s attention. “He said I was hot and when I said nothing he accused me of being homophobic.”

“What the fuck? Are you serious?” Scott got up paced around the room, his extreme reaction catching Derek off guard. “Some fuckin’ dick came on to you right on the first day of school in front of everyone in your group?”

“No, he was discreet, sort of. Well, maybe not discreet, but he was quiet. At least it didn’t seem like anyone else was paying attention to him. But it was how presumptuous he was that ticked me off. I wanted to tell him I was gay and have a boyfriend, but I figured that was probably not the best move on the first day of school and wanted to talk to you first.” The fact that he had dodged addressing Tyrell’s advances bothered him even more now that he faced Scott. Like he had somehow betrayed him. “You know I only want you, right?”

Scott stopped his pacing and turned to face Derek, his expression shifting from angry to gentle. Sitting down next to him again, he pulled Derek onto his lap. “Of course I do and you did the right thing. What the hell is wrong with that guy, hitting on people during orientation? No one knows anyone yet. What if you had been the type of person who would have gotten violent?”

Derek had expected this reaction from Scott and was pleased for the understanding, but part of him wished Scott had surprised him telling him to set Tyrell straight. He would have loved for Scott to have been there to show Tyrell just how unavailable Derek really was.

Feeling slightly defensive, he turned to face Scott. “The funny thing is, although Tyrell was repellant, I had to admire how completely honest he was.” Derek’s breathing came at a faster pace and he gripped his fists into balls. Unsure why his anger was building inside him or what Scott had done to deserve this mild attack, he threw the next thought out without filtering the rising energy inside. “There’s a Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender Alliance here at BU and I’m interested in going to a meeting to 80

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see what it’s like.” He squared his shoulders so he faced Scott, challenging him with his posture to dare and talk him out of it.

Scott stiffened next to him. “I don’t like that idea. I know it’s something you want, but if you go, won’t people assume you’re gay? And if they assume that, won’t they assume I’m gay?” The comment pissed him off, but Derek managed to remain silent and let Scott finish his thought. “It makes me really nervous. I don’t want either of us to do anything that’ll force the other into a move they don’t want to make.”

For the second time in five minutes, Derek was surprised at how much Scott’s attitude grated at his nerves. “I think going to a meeting would probably cause the members of the group to question my sexuality, but I really don’t see how that would have an impact on what people think about you.” Sarcasm wormed its way into his tone. “Hell, people might simply think you’re the poor guy who got paired off with a fag as a roommate.” As he spoke, Derek’s blood began to rush behind his ears and heat rose up his back, crept along his neck, and settled in his cheeks.

“Our orientation leader, Hank, has a best friend who’s in The Alliance and people don’t think he’s gay, so there’s no reason to believe people would assume you’re gay.”

Looking at Scott’s expression of shock caused him to pause for a moment, but the next words hurtled out of his mouth before he could stop himself. “God forbid anyone finds out you’re gay. I should probably pretend I don’t know you when we’re out in public.”

Scott stepped forward so there were merely inches between them. “What the hell, Derek? You know that’s not how I feel. We’ve talked about this before. I’m not ready to come out. If you want to go to a meeting, fine, go. I thought you wanted me to communicate with you, to tell you my thoughts and concerns. If you don’t want me to be honest with you I would be more than happy to tell you what you want to hear.”

Derek’s heart sank. As if a stopper had been pulled inside him, his anger and energy drained out, leaving him exhausted. “You’re right. I’m lashing out at you and it’s not fair. I do want you to tell me what’s on your mind. But I also want to go to an Alliance meeting to see what they’re all about.”