Wrestling With Love (11 page)

“How romantic!” The image Scott described was crass, considering that Derek had fantasized about their first time having sex as a delicate and sensual experience, but the fact he was one the same page with Derek was turn-on enough to excuse his coarseness. Deciding to go with the moment, Derek threw on a playful smile. “We wouldn’t want you walking around with a dripping dick, would we?”

Scott grabbed another of Derek’s fries. “No, it can be a real nuisance.” Pushing his plate towards the middle of the table, he leaned back in his chair and folded his arms over his chest. “I like it here. There’s something about this city that makes me feel comfortable and at ease. It’s a shame it doesn’t feel like this back home.”

Josh’s warning from that morning that Scott might go back to being more reserved when they returned home flashed through Derek’s mind. “I like it too. I really appreciate that you made an effort to show your affection while we were out last night.”

Scott leaned across the table. “Come here.” Derek dutifully leaned in and Scott kissed him gently on the lips.

As he did so, the waiter showed up at the table. “Can I get you anything else?”

Taken off guard, Derek looked up, shielding his eyes from the sun. “No, I think that’ll be all.” When the waiter deposited their bill on the table and walked away, both Derek and Scott looked at each other then started laughing. “I can’t believe you just kissed me in broad daylight in front of all these people.”

Scott shrugged, “Like I said. There’s something about this place that puts me at ease.”

They headed back to Josh’s apartment after lunch. Derek shoved their things into the duffle bag and returned to the living room, thanking Josh for his hospitality.

“Please. It was my pleasure. You’re welcome any time.” Josh gave them each a hug before they left. A few minutes later, they were sitting in Derek’s car. The ride home went quickly. There were very few cars on the road between New York and Boston. When Derek pulled up to Scott’s house, they agreed to call it an early 53

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evening, Scott’s yawn matching Derek’s exhaustion. The coming week was going to be filled with preparations for college. Orientation for freshman was only a week away. Before getting out of the car, Scott turned to Derek. “Thank you again, Derek. This was the most amazing present. I loved everything we did.”

Derek placed his hand on Scott’s thigh. “It was as much a present to me, even though it was meant for you, but you’re welcome.” He gave Scott a quick kiss on the lips and watched him walk to his front door.

As he drove himself home, the events from the past twenty-four hours replayed themselves in his mind, filling him with happiness. Pulling into his driveway, one nagging thought took hold. It wasn’t enough to ruin his mood, but it was impossible to ignore. I wonder whether he’ll be as affectionate with me once we’re at college. While he didn’t want to pressure Scott, the fact he had a taste of what it could be like being open about their relationship was something he wouldn’t forget. Now that he had experienced it, he wanted more. Pushing the thought aside as best he could, he entered his house where he knew his parents would be waiting to hear about their trip. 54

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Chapter Five

The next morning, Derek’s mom woke him early. “We have a long day ahead of us, Sweetie. This is the last Sunday you’ll be living at home before college and we still have a lot of shopping to do.” They hopped into his car and headed into Boston where they were going to a number of different stores. Most of them were in the Copley Place Plaza. Their first stop was Bed Bath & Beyond. Derek needed sheets, towels, and other basic items. His mother loved shopping there and had prepared ahead of time by writing a list of the things they needed to control her impulse buying. Once they finished there, they headed to The Apple Store to pick up his new laptop. Boston University had a special deal for new freshman where they could buy laptops at significantly reduced prices as long as they ordered them through Apple. Derek had convinced his parents to purchase a few programs to be built into the hard drive which would allow him to transfer the music mixes from his home system. He wouldn’t be able to bring his mixing equipment with him to school, so having the music on his computer and programs to allow him to modify the songs was the best he could hope for.

“Okay, I know we discussed getting a MacBook, but your father and I called ahead and changed the order.” Derek’s heart sank. He had been excited about getting a new laptop and figured his parents probably went for the more sensible choice of getting him a desktop so that he wouldn’t be able to carry it around all over the place. When the sales clerk emerged from the back room, he held a box that was far too small to contain a desktop. When he set it down on the counter, Derek’s breath caught in his chest and his mouth fell open. “You bought me a MacBook Air. Holy shit!” The words escaped involuntarily and he had shouted them out drawing looks from several customers.

His mother’s face turned slightly pink as she glanced around them. She opened her mouth as if she were about to say something, but the clerk came to Derek’s rescue.

“Don’t worry about it ma’am, it’s a fairly common reaction. We’ve been hearing that and similar phrases all week.” He smiled broadly and Claire closed her mouth, seeming to relax.

She paid for the computer and suggested they go to eat at Legal Sea Foods. Once seated, his mother looked at him for a long time without speaking. Her expression suggested she was contemplating a serious topic and Derek braced himself for another conversation about being gay and being careful. When she finally spoke, he relaxed, relieved that she was only being sentimental and weepy. “I just can’t believe you’re going off to college on Saturday. The time has gone so quickly.” She dabbed at her eyes with her napkin.

Derek was excited, but also nervous. He had never lived away from home and was beginning to feel the weight of having to take responsibility for himself. “I’m not going 55

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to be that far away. I can still come home easily. You’ll still cook home meals if I want them, right?”

His mother laughed, Derek’s question infusing levity into a situation that had potential to become quite emotional “Of course, Honey. I’ll be so happy whenever you come home.” She took a roll and dipped it in some herb infused olive oil. Derek took one as well but smeared a good deal of butter on his. His mom shook her head, smiling.

“To be young. I wish I had your metabolism. I miss being able to put butter on everything the way I used to.”

“Come on, Mom,” Derek said, “You’re talking like you’re over the hill already.”

“Yes, I suppose I’m feeling nostalgic right now. But, enough about me. Tell me about your trip to New York.” Derek told his mother about Josh and Pierre, about the concert, and about exploring the city. He studiously left out the parts about Charlie and what had happened between him and Scott when they returned to Josh’s apartment. His mother listened intently, asking questions and smiling at Derek’s enthusiasm. Once he had finished, she reached out and placed a hand on Derek’s across the table. “It sounds like the two of you had a wonderful time. I’m happy for you.” She became silent and thoughtful for a moment. “There is something that I would like to talk to you about.”

Derek looked up, a wave of panic filling him once again. As much as he appreciated how cool his mom had been about him being gay, he assumed this talk would be about sex and that was not a talk he wanted to have. He had barely gotten his head around the idea of what his sex life would be like with Scott and the idea of talking about it with his mother before he even had a chance to experience it himself gave him an unsettled feeling in his chest and gut.

As he waited for his mother to begin speaking, his breathing became shallower and palms began to sweat. “I know we haven’t talked much about you being gay, but I would like to talk to you about it now if that’s okay with you.”

Derek felt his shoulders stiffen. Here it comes. “Um, okay, that would be fine.” He glanced around at other tables, sure that everyone was preparing to listen in on their conversation.

Claire squeezed his hand. “Nobody’s eavesdropping on us, Derek. And if they were, who cares?” Derek was surprised his mother was more comfortable with having this kind of a conversation in public than he was. “What I really want to talk to you about is…what I feel I need to talk to you about is…actually, I want to talk more specifically about the two of you.”

Derek reflexively pulled his hand out of his mother’s. “What? What do you want to talk about me and Scott for?”

Claire shook her head, a steady gaze trained on Derek until he calmed down.

“Honey, I want to know what the two of you are to one another and where you see your relationship going. Please, it’s important to me. I’m still not entirely adjusted to the idea that you’re gay and I am certainly not comfortable about thinking of you as a sexual 56

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person…” Derek’s neck began to burn. His mother chuckled. “But, I want to be involved in your life and to know about the things that are important to you. Look at this as a growing experience for both of us. I can learn how to feel more at ease discussing your relationship with another boy, well, man and you can begin to trust that these conversations won’t be too painful. At least no more painful than it would normally be to discuss such things with your mother.”

Derek saw her logic, but the idea of discussing his physical sexuality with his mother had a particularly large ick-factor. “Okay, but if I freak out, remember that you’re the one who started it.”

“I’ll keep that in mind.” His mother looked at Derek with a mixture of amusement and nervousness. “So, tell me how you feel about Scott. I’d really like to know the thoughts you have about him.”

That was a safe enough question as long as he kept his answer simple. Careful to choose what he shared in as platonic a manner possible, Derek began. “Well, Scott is amazing. He’s smart and fun. He’s got this way of enjoying life without taking it too seriously. The only time he was really down was when his dad punished him this past year for not getting straight A’s.” His mother scowled at the mention of Scott’s father. Derek knew his mother hated Scott’s father since he had created the circumstances that broke him and Scott up during their senior year. Despite the pain of remembering how alone and empty he felt during those few months of separation, Derek was scandalously pleased with her reaction. “He’s a deep thinker and he knows how to communicate his feelings way better than I do. It’s one of the things I like best about him. I’ve never met another guy who is so comfortable expressing his feelings.”

His mother was thoughtful. “Those are all admirable traits and I can understand why they would be appealing to you. But, that’s not what I really wanted to know. What I want to know if how do you feel about him? When you think about him, what goes on inside you?”

Derek had purposefully avoided providing that kind of information. It caught him off guard that this was precisely what she wanted to know. “You want to know what goes on inside me when I think about him? Really?”

“Yes.” There wasn’t even a moment of hesitation when she spoke.

“I love him.” Although his feelings for Scott ran deep, they were just that simple. His mother shifted in her seat and maintained an even expression on her face.

“Okay, can you tell me how you know you love him?”

Derek considered the question. He had never really thought about the reasons why he loved Scott in a way he would explain to someone else. He just knew he did. “You know I’m not great at explaining things, but I’ll try. When I’m around him, I feel happier. He brings things out in me that I was too afraid to show before. Like talking about my feelings. At the division championship, when you and Shannon couldn’t find us, we were upstairs. That’s when we made up after the two months of being separated.” Despite the fact their break had brought them even closer together when 57

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they reunited, each of them more certain than they had been before that they were truly happiest together, the memory still hurt. “Anyway, when we were up there, he told me I make him feel more safe and secure than anyone else ever has. It filled me with pride and happiness when he said that to me. Just knowing I was able to give him that was incredible. Then there’s his crooked smile which I find incredibly cute. And the way he looks at me when he thinks I’m not paying attention. And of course, there’s the way he—”

“For someone who doesn’t use words very well, I’d say you’re doing quite well.”

His mother’s face contained a mixture of contentment and discomfort. “Does he love you?”

“He says he does. I’m not in his head, so I don’t know all of his thoughts, but he wants to make me happy. When we’re alone, he holds my hand or puts his arm around my shoulder so I can lean against him. He gets excited by my mixing. He doesn’t put up with any of my crap, but when he calls me out on stuff he never makes me feel bad. I trust him completely. I don’t know if those are all signs of love, but whatever it is, it feels really good.” Derek was surprised at how easily it had been for him to share these thoughts with his mother.