Wrestling With Love (10 page)

Derek protested weakly, not wanting to put Josh to any trouble, but when Josh waved his hand dismissively, he made no effort to stop him. Following Josh to the kitchen, Derek took a seat at the table and laid his head on his arms. “I’m so exhausted.”

Josh chuckled. “So, tell me about your evening. Actually, tell me about your evening before you got home last night. Pierre and I already know what happened then.”

Derek’s head shot up and he stared at Josh. “What? You…”

Josh laughed. “Please Derek. There’s nothing to be embarrassed about. We thought it was sweet to have two young boys in love in the house. It reminded us of ourselves when we were younger.” Derek dropped his head back on his arms with a thud. After Josh had turned on the coffee maker, he sat at the table next to Derek. “So, what did you boys do after the concert?”

Derek recounted the evening for Josh, trying to be as detailed as possible. When he got to the part about Charlie grabbing his arm, Josh cut him off. “Someone grabbed your arm? Are you okay? I should have warned you that the men in the city can become pretty aggressive when they see a handsome young man that they want. Actually, I guess that’s true of men in general, isn’t it?”

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Derek smiled, “I wouldn’t know. It’s only been Scott and me. I’ve never had the opportunity to know how other gay men behave. Actually, until I met you and Pierre, Scott was the only other gay person I knew.

“All that will change shortly. College is a time for growing up, and for many of us gay boys, it’s a time for coming out. So, tell me what happened after that.” Josh sat back in his chair.

“Well, it was kind of sweet actually. Scott stood between us and said he would kill the guy if he ever touched me again.” Derek smiled, remembering Scott’s protectiveness.

“You know, when the two of you first walked in, he seemed very reserved, but it doesn’t surprise me that he would threaten someone who accosted his boyfriend.” Josh was thoughtful for a moment. “That’s really sexy. I like him.”

“Yes, he sure is,” Derek placed his feet on the edge of his seat and hugged his legs to his chest. Everything about Scott’s behavior the night before had been exactly as Josh had said…sexy.

Josh smiled. “Oh, you boys bring so much back to me. I remember being young and figuring myself out. There were so few role models back then. We had none of the high school gay and lesbian clubs you have today. I was so afraid to be open about my feelings for men that I kept myself closeted until I moved to the city at twenty-three.”

Derek considered that for a moment. “When you first came out, did you fly out to everyone or was it a slow process?”

Josh looked at Derek with kindness in his face. “It was painfully slow. At first, I would only go to bars miles away from my home or anyone who might know me. Later, I met a group of friends. They were much older than me. I was still in high school and didn’t know anyone my own age who was also gay. Some of the men tried to take advantage of me. Looking back and knowing what I know now, I took some horrible risks just wanting to be accepted and to be around gay people. It’s just pure luck I made it through my youth with my health intact.”

Derek shuddered, thinking of what it must have been like for Josh. “So, when did things start to change for you?”

“Well, like I said, it became much easier for me when I moved here to the city. It was a fresh start.” The coffee maker beeped and Josh got up to pour Derek a cup. “No one knew who I was, which made it easier for me to be who I wanted to be. Luckily, I chose to be myself. I dated, learning from each new relationship, and then, I met Pierre and have been committed and happily in love ever since. How do you take your coffee?”

“Milk and sugar.” Josh prepared a cup and handed it to him. Derek took the coffee and held it to his nose. “Mmm, the smell is already waking me up. So, when you were dating, back when you first moved to the city, did you hold hands and kiss in public?”

“At first, not so much, but over time I began to realize that no one really cared. Sometimes people would glare and occasionally some ignorant fool would make a 49

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homophobic comment, but that was rare.” Josh maintained eye contact as Derek took a sip from his coffee and considered what he had just heard. “You said Scott showed affection last night? I take it he doesn’t normally.”

“No, he doesn’t. Last night made me realize how much I really want to be able to be open about who I am and about who Scott and I are. I’m beginning to become resentful of the fact I need to hide my feelings and who I am. I loved being able to hold Scott’s hand while walking down the street last night and kissing him in public.”

Josh nodded, “And how does Scott feel?”

Derek furrowed his brow. “It hasn’t really come up for us yet. We’ve both always been very aware of our surroundings and have kept our relationship secret. Recently, since my mom found out I was gay, it kind of opened a floodgate for me and I’m finding it harder to keep our relationship secret. It almost feels like we’re hiding something, like there’s something wrong with the fact that we’re two guys together. Beck always knew, but then we told George during our camping trip earlier this summer, and now you and Pierre know. The more people who know, the better I feel. It’s like our relationship is more real because people can see how we feel about each other. Scott isn’t so thrilled about the fact that more people are finding out about us. But last night, he was so physical and affectionate. It’s very confusing.”

Josh placed his hand on Derek’s arm, patting it lightly. “What you both are feeling is completely normal. It sounds like you’re coming out of your shell and you want to explore your sexuality outside the confines of the safe world you’ve lived in. That’s good. Do it, carefully. But Scott seems perfectly capable of exploring his sexuality as well. In a more private, intimate way, just with you. That’s good too. It means he feels safe with you and trusts you won’t hurt him as he figures things out. As long as the two of you keep communicating and respect that each of you will move at different paces, you can help each other along.”

Derek took another sip of his coffee as he considered Josh’s words. They made sense and, at least on a surface level, made him feel like the differences between him and Scott were normal. “Well, if last night is any sign, then maybe Scott’s ready to let more people know about us. Maybe we won’t have to keep it such a guarded secret anymore.”

“Maybe, but don’t be surprised if, when you get back home, he returns to being more private in his expression of his love for you. You’re here in a city filled with gay people and no one knows who you are. That makes it safe for both of you. You’re surrounded by men who are used to being who they are openly and you can experiment with your affection for one another without running the risk of damaging your social lives back home.” Josh got up and walked over to pour himself another cup of coffee.

Derek considered this. What Josh said made sense, but it wasn’t what he wanted to hear. “Is there anything I can do to make things easier for Scott? Here in the city, it seems so easy for him to give me what I’ve always wanted. How can I make things feel less risky back home?”

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Josh sat down, a knowing smile crossing his lips. “It sounds to me like you’re asking how you can change Scott. You should know by now you can’t change people just because you want them to be a certain way, any more than someone could change you. The important thing is to know what you want and to keep your focus on that. The hardest part of relationships, I have found, is when the two people want different things at the same time. Then you have to determine whether you can live with the differences or if the difference is too big to overcome. I know it sounds trite, but there is a great deal of truth when people say they have met the right person at the wrong time.”

“That almost sounds like our feelings could cause us to break up.” The thought of him and Scott breaking up caused Derek’s heart rate to increase. “I don’t want something like being more open about our relationship to be a make or break issue.”

“Then you won’t let it become one. I must sound like a broken record, but I’m going to say what I’ve said a few times already. Communication is the key. As long as you talk to Scott about what you’re feeling and he does the same, most problems don’t have to break you apart.” Josh took a sip of his coffee and Derek reflected on all that he had just said. “It has been wonderful meeting you, Derek. I understand now why Beck loves you so much.”

Derek smiled, thinking of Beck. “I love her. She’s been my rock at every stage of my life. I’m so glad our colleges are so close together.”

“Morning, guys.” Scott shuffled into the room, his blond hair a mess, sticking up at odd angles. “I think someone shoved rocks into my head last night.” Josh reached across the table and gave Derek’s arm a squeeze and then got up to pour Scott some coffee.

* * * * *

Derek and Scott spent the day walking around lower Manhattan, exploring the West Village and Chelsea, then worked their way east to Gramercy Park and back south into the East Village where they had been the night before. They grabbed a bite to eat at Sidewalk Café, a cute restaurant with outdoor seating. Scott showed no signs of discomfort or regret over what they had done the night before and was lively company. When the waiter brought their food, they both ate in silence for a few minutes, famished.

“I didn’t realize how hungry I was,” Scott said, taking a huge bite of his cheeseburger. Some of the grease ran down the side of his mouth and onto his chin. He grabbed his napkin to wipe it away, then leaned back in his chair and stared at Derek. Quite hungry as well, Derek had finished his Oriental Chicken Salad and had ordered a side of sweet potato fries which had just been delivered to the table. Picking one up and popping it into his mouth, he stared back at Scott. “What’s wrong?”

Scott continued to look at Derek for a moment. Leaning forward, he reached for one of Derek’s fries. “I was just thinking about last night.”

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“You mean that guy. What an asshole. You were awesome.” A surge of pride flowed through Derek as he remembered how Scott had physically intervened when Charlie had become overly assertive.

“No, not that. Although I really would have kicked the shit out of him if he didn’t back off.” A brooding expression flashed across Scott’s face, but was quickly replaced by his quizzical look once again. “I was talking about last night after we got into bed.”

Derek felt heat rush to his face. “Oh, that.” He wasn’t sure whether Scott regretted the act or was fine with it. His fears must have shown because Scott’s expression shifted.

Grinning, Scott playfully kicked Derek’s leg under the table. “Yeah, that. Don’t get me wrong, I loved it and want to be able to do that whenever I want.” Derek raised his eyebrow suggestively and Scott quickly amended his statement. “Okay, not whenever I want, but whenever we’re alone. I’m just wondering how you feel about it. We had an agreement and I want to know if you are okay with what we did.”

“Are you fucking kidding? I loved it.” Derek glanced around to see if anyone had stopped to stare at them. His voice had come out louder than he intended. “I was worried that you might regret it.”

Scott reached across the table and took Derek’s hand in his. “I don’t regret a single thing from last night. Nothing.”

The genuineness of his statement, the power of the emotion behind his words, caused Derek’s breath to catch in his chest. “You made me feel so special and important when you defended me. Seeing you get all territorial and protective was a real turn on. In bed with you last night I realized we haven’t really had the chance to sleep together like that. Then you told me that you love me. It all just sort of combined and…”

“And….” Scott squeezed his hand gently.

“And it was the best night of my life. I’ll remember our first time together for as long as I live.”

Scott nodded. “You were amazing, Derek. I’ve never felt that good in my life. I can’t wait until you return the favor.” His comment caused Derek’s cock to grow. “I’m really looking forward to college life with you.” He paused, looking a bit timid. “Uh, I was wondering...” His cheeks began to become red and he scratched the back of his head.

“What?” the warmth and comfort of their conversation paused briefly as Derek wondered what Scott might say next.

“Are you as anxious to have sex as I am?” Scott’s cheeks were beet red at this point, but he maintained eye contact.

Derek choked on the fry in his mouth and needed to take a couple of gulps of water to get it down. “Where the hell did that come from?”

Scott let out a sigh. “I don’t know. It’s all I’ve been thinking about since last night, like I’m some kind of sex crazed addict. It seems like the closer we get to being together in college, the more I can’t stop thinking about it.”

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Derek laughed. “You know I’ve been waiting impatiently for us to have sex. I’m the one who’s the horny monkey, constantly pushing for sex and having to be reminded of our deal.” As he studied Scott, several emotions filled Derek at once. Confusion, excitement, tenderness, love. The greatest emotion of all, though, was one of connection. Josh had been right. Communication was the key to remaining connected and close. The thought of having sex with Scott was incredibly erotic and arousing, but there had been one question on his mind each time he thought about it. “Um, Scott, I was wondering, which one of us, I mean who will…” Derek felt heat rush to his cheeks once again and he stopped talking as his ears began to burn. Scott’s lips raised into his flirty grin which melted Derek each and every time. “I’ll admit, I would prefer to be the top, but the idea of you inside of me makes my dick start to drip.”