Wrestling With Love (12 page)

When he finished, Claire smiled. “It makes me happy that you’ve found someone who you connect with so naturally and comfortably. Scott is a very nice boy…man…and what you’ve described definitely sounds like love.” She reached across the table and took Derek’s hands once again. “Honey, if Scott is an important part of your life, which he clearly is, then he’s an important part of my life. But there’s one thing that has been troubling me.”

“What’s that?” Once again, Derek braced himself for some embarrassing or awkward comment from his mother.

“I wonder if you’ve given any more thought to telling your father that you’re gay. If you’re not ready, I understand, but he loves you and deserves to be a part of experiencing your life.”

And there it is.

Claire smiled, but it wasn’t a happy smile. It was more of a knowing smile. “I know you’re nervous about coming out to him, but when we first talked, I told you we would deal with this as a family. We can’t do that until you trust your father enough to open up to him.”

Claire released Derek’s hand, but maintained eye contact with him and Derek couldn’t avert his eyes. “I know I said that you should tell your father in your own time. I still feel that way. But I want to encourage you to consider telling him sooner rather than later. He’s a good man and he loves you very much. I know it will be hard for you to do, just as I know it will be hard for him to hear, but if you’re in love, your father should know about it. Parents want their children to be happy. Part of being happy is loving someone and being loved in return.”

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Derek’s heart rate quickened. “I don’t know. The thought of talking to Dad about being gay scares me. I don’t know if I could handle telling him I also have a boyfriend. It feels like something that would create tension and awkwardness between us.”

“It will, for a while, but then you’ll both adjust. Keeping secrets is never good.”

Claire leaned back in her chair, brushing a stray bit of hair out of her eyes and behind her ear. “You’ve seen how things have gotten easier between you and me. It will be the same for you and Dad.” Claire took a sip of her water and studied Derek, then shook her head, sighing lightly. “I’m not saying to do it right now. But, I want you to think about it. Can you do that?”

“Can I ask you a question, Mom? Why is this so important to you now, right before I’m about to start college?”

Claire brought her water to her lips, a line crinkling the center of her brow. After a short silence, she lowered the glass and turned to face him. “I know this is going to sound horrible, Honey, but part of my reasons are selfish. Having you around the house, if I need to talk about my feelings about this, I have you right there to talk to. But with you moving out, I’m afraid this will feel like a big secret and I’m no good at keeping secrets.” Tears welled up in the corner of his mother’s eyes and she dabbed at them with her napkin before they had a chance to spill out. “I’m so sorry. The last thing I want to do is to put pressure on you; especially now when you are about to start a whole new phase in your life.”

Derek considered his mother’s words. It had been a huge relief to him when his mother had confronted him a few months earlier. He knew all too well what keeping secrets felt like. Funny that he had never considered knowing he was gay would put her in the same situation with his father. “Mom, it’s not selfish at all. I can’t believe I—“

“Oh, but it is selfish. Don’t try to convince me otherwise. I’m your parent and should be protecting you, taking on the burden of the things I can to make your life easier and happier. This is about making my life easier and happier. It’s not right.”

It was Derek’s turn to reach across the table and take his mother’s hands. “Mom. You’ve always been there for me. I can’t make any promises about when I’ll tell Dad, but I can promise you this…I’ll think about it and I’ll come out as soon as I can.”

Claire smiled, looking at their joined hands in the middle of the table. “Just don’t do anything on my account. Tell your father when you are ready. If there’s anything I can do to help you, I will, but this is your news and you need to be ready to tell him.”

Derek considered what it would be like if he was completely out to his family. There would be no more secrets. He could be open about who he was and share all of the best things going on in his life. As uncomfortable as having a conversation with his father might be, he could see the payoff would be great in the future. “I’ll think about it. I promise.”

“Good. I really think you’ll be surprised at how understanding your father can be.”

Claire remained silent for a few minutes. She played with her hands and seemed to find 59

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it difficult to look at Derek, which he found strange since they had just had a challenging conversation. “I do have one more question to ask you.”

Even though they had been speaking openly, something in his mother’s tone and body language shifted and it set him on edge. “Sure, Mom. What is it?”

Claire hesitated for a few more moments, then inhaled deeply, letting the breath out slowly before she began speaking. “Are you and Scott doing anything which might be considered risky?”

Derek’s stomach clenched and his ears began to ring. Did my mother just ask me if I’m having sex with Scott? “Mom, I really don’t think that’s something we need to talk about.”

Looking Derek squarely in the eyes, Claire’s hesitancy disappeared and was replaced by maternal confidence and authority. In some ways it relieved Derek to get back to familiar footing with his mother. He knew how to behave when she got all motherly on him. “Yes, Honey. Actually, I believe it’s exactly the thing we should be talking about. There are many things out there that can hurt you and we’ve never had a discussion about sex and protection other than the fundamentals. Now that you may be in a situation where you have to actively choose to make good choices and to use protection, I think it’s very important that we talk about it.”

Derek placed his elbows on the table and lowered his head to rest in his hands.

“This is not happening.”

When he finally looked up, he was slightly irritated to see an amused expression on Claire’s face. “I know it’s embarrassing, but I would rather you were embarrassed than unprepared. So, I’m going to ask you again. Have you and Scott done anything that would be considered risky?”

Taking a huge gulp of water, Derek forced himself to answer. “Well, my understanding is that everything is risky behavior, but if you’re asking me what I think you’re asking me, then no, we haven’t done anything which would be considered significantly risky…yet.” That last bit wasn’t necessary, but if his mother was going to make him uncomfortable, it was only fair for him to make her a bit uncomfortable as well.

His mother’s reaction caught him off guard. There wasn’t a hint of awkwardness or hesitation when she spoke. “Well, I am assuming the two of you intend to…er, engage in behavior which would require the use of protection. Am I correct?” The heat rushing up his neck and across his face must have colored his cheeks because his mother actually laughed. “I thought so. In that case, I think it’s important for the two of you to discuss how you’ll make sure you’ll keep each other safe.”

Derek mouth involuntarily fell open. “Are you talking about the use of condoms? If that’s what you are saying…” he trailed off, disbelief that he was having this conversation still thrumming through his head. He knew the basics of preventing disease, but did he and Scott really have to worry about that? “But we’re both virgins. I don’t see how the use of—“

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Claire’s lips tightened into a thin line. “Condoms are always a good idea, Derek. You never know for certain what another person is doing. Still, I’m glad to hear you are educated. But that’s not all that I am talking about. I’m also talking about communication. You need to talk to each other before you take things to that level. Sex between two people who love each other is a beautiful thing, but your first time…and now I know it will be your first. Your first time can also be very scary. If you talk about it beforehand, it will make the experience far more pleasurable for the both of you. And don’t forget when you decide to try, you can always stop if it doesn’t feel right. There’s no rule that says that once you start you can’t—”

Derek put up his hand. “Mom, I really appreciate that you’re trying so hard to be involved in my personal development, but this conversation is beginning to freak me out. Do you think we could cool it for a while and maybe resume this when I’m thirty or something?”

Claire reached across the table one last time, stroking Derek’s hand. “Okay, Dear, I understand that talking about sex with your parents can be very uncomfortable. Thank you for indulging your mother. It’s put my mind at ease to know you’re willing to speak honestly with me, even if I am cornering you into the conversation.” She waved for the waiter and once the bill had been paid, they headed back to Derek’s car. Opening the door for his mother, Derek waited for her to get in, then closed the door and settled into the driver’s seat. He glanced at his mother who had a broad smile on her face. “What?”

“Nothing, Sweetheart, that was just very chivalrous of you.” She stroked the side of his cheek, then replaced her hand on her lap.

Derek felt slightly embarrassed by the recognition, but pleased at the same time. “I don’t think I thanked you yet.”

“Oh, Honey. It’s my pleasure. I want you to have everything you need when you start college. It’s very exciting.”

“No. That’s not what I meant. Well, I mean, I do want to thank you for the stuff you bought me, but I was thinking of something else.”

“What is it?”

Derek placed his hands on the wheel, but didn’t shift the engine into reverse. Turning toward his mother, he was struck by her caring gaze. “I wanted to thank you for being so cool about…I just want you to know I recognize that I’m really lucky to have a mom like you. Not just ‘cause you’re cool, but because you accept me for who I am.”

His mother opened her mouth, but said nothing. Instead, she placed her hand over her heart and stared out the front windshield. After a moment, she reached into her purse and pulled out a tissue, dabbing it at the corner of her eyes. “You’re entirely welcome, Derek. I love you so much.”

When they arrived home she turned to Derek before they got out of the car. “Oh, I forgot to tell you. Shannon and I are planning a small party for you and Scott to send 61

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you off to college. If you like, feel free to invite Beck. I’d love to see her as well before you all leave.”

“Thanks, Mom. That sounds nice. I’ll call her later on and see if she can come. And Mom, thanks for getting me all of this stuff and for…for everything else.”

Claire leaned over and gave Derek a peck on the cheek. She then opened the door and headed into the house.

Later that day, Derek called Beck. “Hey, you’ll never believe the conversation I had with my mom.”

“Do tell. I’ve been bored out of my mind all day. I need something to entertain me.”

“So we go into Boston to get stuff for college. Everything’s going as it normally would, and then, bang, right in the middle of lunch my mom asks me if Scott and I are having sex.”

“Shut up! No she didn’t!” Beck’s voice shot up an octave from its normal pitch, forcing Derek’s to hold the phone away from his ear.

“She did. And she talked about protection too.”

“What did you say?” Beck loved gossip. Most stories would be repeated to anyone who would listen, but Derek knew she would never repeat his stories to anyone.

“I tried to tell her I didn’t want to talk about it, but she wouldn’t let it go.” Derek incorporated as much inflection into his voice as possible to heighten the dramatic effect for Beck.

“Did you have a cow then,” Beck was laughing, “or was there more?”

“There’s more. She started talking about what I should do if I began to have sex and then changed my mind.” Derek didn’t have to add flare to this tidbit of information since it carried drama all on its own.

“What did she say you should do? Wait, I just want to say that I can’t believe your mom had this conversation with you.”

“She said I could stop at any time.” Derek shuddered at the thought of receiving sex advice from his mother. He knew he was one of the lucky ones, a gay teen whose mother accepted him unconditionally, but even a PFLAG kid would probably feel sick to their stomach if they received sex advice from their parents.

“No…she…didn’t! I can see it now. You’re riding Scott like a cowboy on a mechanical bull and all of a sudden you think,” her voice took on a ditzy tone, “Gee, I don’t think I want to be doing this right now and ask him if you can stop.”

Derek laughed. “Exactly. Like, I’m going down on him, bringing him right to the edge, and then suddenly say, Oops, I forgot I left my laundry in the dryer, can we continue this later? I like to fold my clothes when they’re warm.”

“Priceless. Oh my God. I wish I could have been there.” Beck giggled, then became silent for a moment. “Although, you have to admit it’s pretty cool she’s talking to you about this stuff.”

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“Yeah, my mom’s cool. I’ll give her that. But still, would you want to talk to your parents about sex?”