Wrestling With Love (31 page)

Jared sighed. “Nothing. It’s good that you take your time to open up. Wait until you know you can trust someone before you reveal too much about yourself to them.” Jared looked uncomfortable. “I feel like I’m talking badly about people right now and that’s not my style. Sorry if I seem a bit uncomfortable.”

Derek smiled. “Don’t worry about it. I appreciate the advice.” Jared was sweet and he truly seemed to care about other people. This was refreshing after his interactions with Tyrell and his impression of Charlotte, Phillip, and Oscar.

“Okay, well, I’m heading off campus for a bit. I hope you come by next Monday night. Here’s my cell. Give me a call if you get lost or change your mind.” Jared tore a piece of paper out of his notebook and wrote down his number, handing it to Derek.

“Thanks. I’ll burn the CD for you tonight so it’s ready for Monday.” They shook hands and Derek headed back towards his dorm. He wasn’t sure what Jared had been trying to tell him, but maybe it had something to with Tyrell’s actions during the meeting and the way Charlotte, Phillip, and Oscar had looked at the two of them. 146

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Remembering it caused his shoulders to stiffen. Why had Tyrell been so physical with him and why had the other three been looking at him as if…as if what? What was going on at the meeting? A burst of wind interrupted his thoughts and he pulled his coat closer around him. The evening was cold and the crisp smell of clean air surrounded him. Fall was really beginning to set in.

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Chapter Twelve

Saturday came faster than Derek wanted. As much as he was excited by the knowledge his father would soon know about him, he was also nervous. This was not a conversation he had initiated before, except with Beck. When he and his mother talked about his sexuality, his mother had been the one to bring it up. What amazed Derek was how Scott didn’t seem nervous at all. In fact, the closer Saturday came, the more calm and sure of himself he seemed to get. Of course, Scott was always the one who remained level headed in a stressful situation. Thinking on it, that was becoming less true. The few times Derek brought up Tyrell’s name and the one time Scott met him, he had become tense and angry. Well, finally a chink in his armor. On Saturday morning, they woke up early and lay in bed for a long time. It was a big day for them and, without having to say anything, they knew if they could make the morning last forever, they would. “How are you feeling?” Derek chanced.

“I’m okay. Surprisingly calm actually. It doesn’t hurt that Dad won’t be home so I know Mom and I won’t have any interruptions and there won’t be the uncomfortable tension in the house that’s there whenever he’s around.” Scott wrapped his arms around Derek, whose back was pressed against his chest, and squeezed, pulling him even closer. “How about you?”

“I’m fine too. My gut hasn’t caught up to my head yet. I know this will turn out fine, but I’m nervous as hell.” Derek ran his fingers along the muscles on Scott’s arms wrapped around him. “Mmm, I love it when you hold me like this.”

Scott tightened his hold even more. “Well, I suppose we’re going to have to get up at some point. Why don’t we go for a run? Maybe if we blow off some steam, our nerves will settle.”

“That sounds like an awesome idea.”

Twenty minutes later, they were dressed in sweats and running shoes, heading towards the Charles River. They ran in silence, observing the landscape of the city. Boston had a few distinguishing landmarks, but that was not what Derek enjoyed about the cityscape. He loved looking at the red and gray hues of the buildings. Many redbrick townhouses, reminiscent of a time long past, lined the skyline. The corners and eaves of the buildings were grey cement slabs of differing lengths, creating a staggered effect and framing the brick walls. He particularly loved the mornings when the sun rose, casting its orange-yellowish hue against them, the reflection seeming to create an iridescent glow over the city which reflected off the surface of the water. It gave a sense of warmth which contrasted the cold, biting air of late autumn. Falling into the trance of his rhythmic breathing and the scenery, Derek felt his nerves begin to unravel and he was able to think more clearly. He knew the conversation with his father would go well. He just had to get through it.

Looking at Scott, Derek could tell he was lost in thought as well. Beads of sweat dotted his temples and a few of them were running down his cheeks. His neck was 148

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shining as the sun reflected against the sheen of moisture covering his skin. He was so beautifully athletic and masculine, even his sweat turned Derek on. Each time he replayed their lunch from a few days earlier, he had trouble believing Scott had actually said the things he had. In fact, he needed to remind himself it was Scott’s idea to come out to his mother. It was a huge step forward for Scott who had been adamant about keeping their relationship and his sexuality private at all costs. When they got back to campus, and returned to their room, Derek was feeling awake and rejuvenated. They hadn’t spoken much, but Derek didn’t need to speak in order to see that Scott was in high spirits. Just being around him was enough to calm his nerves which had begun to rise once again.

Once showered, they got dressed and drove towards Cambridge. “Do you want to grab a bite to eat before we head to our homes? Maybe we could go to Au Bon Pain. That’s always a winning place for us.” Derek knew he was postponing his conversation with his father as long as possible, but he was also hungry. Scott shook his head. “You know everything’s going to be fine, right?”

Derek looked at Scott with a weak smile. “I do, but it doesn’t change the fact I’m shitting bricks right now.”

“Lovely image. Thanks for that.” Scott took Derek’s hand, twining their fingers together. “It’s not supposed to be an easy conversation. None of the important conversations ever are.”

“We should eat something anyways. Let’s just go and grab a bagel and coffee.”

Scott gave Derek’s hand a brief squeeze, then released it. “Okay.” Derek parked at a meter which seemed to magically become available right as they approached Au Bon Pain. They walked the short distance to the café and grabbed a small table.

“So, the plan remains as we discussed, right?” Scott was watching Derek carefully.

“We spend as much time as we need to with our parents and we meet up at the dorm room by six o’clock. If one or the other of us finishes earlier, fine, but six o’clock is our time to meet back up.”

Derek nodded. Initially he had thought it strange to set a time limit to their conversations with their parents, but, after thinking about it, the time limit actually provided some comfort and security. He knew that, no matter how the conversation went, there would be a definitive end to it.

Breakfast went by too quickly, filled with meaningless chatter which meant everything to him, until finally, Scott forced Derek to get up and they returned to his car. Derek parked outside Scott’s house, his car idling. Scott turned to him and leaned across the console. “You’re going to be fine. We both will.” He gently brushed the back of his fingers along the skin of Derek’s cheek until they rested along his jaw line. Extending his fingers so they wrapped just around the bend of his neck, Scott pulled Derek towards him and pressed their lips together. The kiss was chaste, filled with caring and love and warmth which reached all the way to Derek’s toes. “I love you, Derek.”

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Scott got out of the car, turning to give Derek one last look, then walked to his front door and let himself in. Derek released a deep sigh and put his car in gear, heading the short five minutes to his own home where his father was waiting for him. When he arrived, he wasn’t surprised when the car was missing from the driveway. He had spoken with his mother earlier in the week and decided he wanted to talk to his father alone. Claire had decided to use a hair appointment as an excuse. When Derek walked in, he found his father reading a newspaper in the living room. “Hey, Dad.”

Looking up, Henry smiled. “Son, how are you? Your mom went to the hairdresser, but she went out and bought some bagels before her appointment. You hungry?”

“Not really.” Not only had he just eaten, but his stomach was tumbling in circles and the thought of food caused him to feel slightly nauseated. He took a seat in a chair facing the couch where his dad was sitting and crossing his legs, uncrossed them, then crossing them once again. Unable to find a comfortable position, he allowed his legs to sprawl open and flung his arms on the armrests of the chair, palms up. Henry placed his newspaper down on the coffee table in front of him and leaned back so he could comfortably face Derek. “Ants in your pants?”

“Something like that. Yeah.” Derek swallowed hard and could feel his ears and cheeks begin to burn.

A worried expression crossed his father’s face. “Is everything all right, Derek? You look like you aren’t feeling well right now. Your face is red. Are you sick?”

“No, not sick. I’m fine. Really.” He had rehearsed this talk countless times in his head, but suddenly realized he had never considered how to begin. “Dad, could we go for a walk? There’s something I’d like to talk to you about and I could use the fresh air.”

Henry’s concerned expression deepened, forcing the crease between his eyes to become pronounced. “Sure, Derek. Are you sure everything’s all right? You’re making me feel a little edgy with your cryptic talk right now.”

“Seriously, Dad, everything’s fine. I promise. There’s just something I need to talk to you about. It’s hard for me and I think moving around and fresh air will help me get through it.”

Henry’s body language seemed to relax, although the worried expression didn’t leave his face. “All right, I’ll just grab my coat.” Getting up from the couch, he walked over to the hallway closet, pulled out his coat, and the two of them stepped out the front door onto the leave strewn, chilly sidewalk and weaved their way down the street in silence.

For a few minutes, Derek looked at the houses of his neighborhood, recalling memories of his life as a child. He had always been happy living in Cambridge. The familiarity of this place, his home, settled him and provided comfort. “Maybe we could head over towards the elementary school.” His father shrugged and allowed Derek to lead.

Derek tested out a few ways to begin the conversation in his head, but nothing seemed right. Just start talking and it will come to you. That advice seemed as good as any. 150

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Taking a deep breath, cool air filled his lungs and made him feel better. “Dad, there’s something I’ve wanted to tell you for a long time, but I’ve been afraid to. You know how much I want you and mom to be proud of me and I’ve been worried that this might make you feel…differently towards me.” Ok, that wasn’t a bad start. Henry stiffened, but quickly recomposed himself. “Derek, I’ve told you many times how proud I am of you. You’re my son and I love you. You can tell me whatever you need to tell me, but one thing I know, how I feel about you will never change.”

“I know. Mom told me that over and over, but still—”

“You’ve already talked to your mother about this?” He couldn’t tell if his father was hurt or upset. Probably both. Oops!

“Yes, but not like this. She brought this up with me. With you, I’m initiating the conversation. It’s totally different. And a lot scarier.” His dad seemed to understand, but his shoulders remained tightened and slightly raised, causing him to look hunched and older.

Steeling himself, Derek continued. “You’ve mentioned a few times over the past year that you’ve seen a change in me; that I’ve kind of opened up more and seem more confident.” His father nodded, but didn’t interrupt him. “Well, there’s a reason for it. It’s because I accepted something I’ve always known, but have only just recently come to terms with.”

Henry slowed his pace, turning the corner which led to Derek’s old elementary school. As they walked down the street, Derek continued to formulate how to get past the hard part of the conversation and to actually come out to his dad. He turned to look at the playground. It hadn’t changed much since he had matriculated. There was a new swing set and a fairly sophisticated line of slides of varying heights, connected by ramps and ropes. There were huge tractor tires five or six feet in diameter, half buried in the ground. These had been there when he was younger and he had loved to climb on them or hide inside of them. The monkey bar set was also still there. Derek walked into the playground and sat down on one of the benches where his teachers would sit while his class had recess. His father sat next to him.

Derek looked at his father who sat quietly, waiting, as if he seemed to know that Derek needed to finish whatever it was he had to say. “I’ve always worked so hard to make sure I fit in. I’ve protected myself, making sure people never really noticed me or had a reason to think negatively of me. Part of that is because there’s been something I thought I needed to hide.” He was still dodging the issue and knew it. “Last year, things….changed.”

His dad had been listening, but this last comment caused a confused expression to cross his face. “Son, what is it you’re trying to tell me?”

Derek took a deep breath. There was no right way to build up to what he wanted to say. There was no prepared speech which would contain the exact words to bring about the desired reaction. He just had to say it and let the chips fall as they may. “What I’m trying to tell you dad, is that….What I want to say is….I want you to know that…”