Wrestling With Love (32 page)

151

D.H. Starr

Wrestling With Love

“Derek!” His father’s outburst surprised him. “I’m sorry, Derek. What is it you want to say?”

Derek closed his eyes. “I want you to know that I’m gay.” When he opened his eyes, his father was sitting quietly on the bench. They sat in silence for what felt like two hours, but in reality was probably two minutes.

A myriad of emotions passed over his father’s face. Shock, sadness, anger? The last emotion to register was calmness. It was like watching his father spin on a roulette wheel with emotions instead of numbers. He had no idea where his father would land and didn’t feel confident enough to make any bets. Finally his father spoke, his voice gentle. “Like I said, Derek, you’re my son and I love you no matter what, but can I ask you some questions?”

It wasn’t the response he had anticipated from his father, but it was better than anger or disgust. “Sure. Whatever you want.”

“How long have you known you’re…gay?”

“I don’t know the exact moment I first knew, but I was sure back in ninth grade.”

His father drew in a deep breath and shook his head. “How can you be so sure about this?”

Derek didn’t quite understand the question. “How can I be sure I’m gay? What are you asking me?”

His father’s face became red. “I’m just curious how you could know something like that about yourself, especially at such a young age.”

“I figured it out when all of the other guys started noticing girls and talking about them. When I wasn’t thinking about girls the way they were, that was my first clue. Then, when I started noticing guys and thinking about them the way my other guy friends were talking about girls, I guess I knew.”

His father’s eyes crinkled at the corners. Derek imagined it must be the image of his son feeling about boys the way he felt about women, but he couldn’t be sure. Despite the appearance of discomfort, his father also seemed to understand what Derek meant and there was no sign of rejection in his body language or tone. “Have you ever been with a girl, you know, in that way?”

Derek smiled. In the beginning he had wanted to be able to want girls that way, but his body simply wouldn’t respond the way it was supposed to. Rather, it didn’t respond to girls the way other boys’ bodies did. “No, I haven’t.”

“Then how do you know for sure?” A hint of hope seemed to flash in his father’s eyes.

The glimpse into his father’s mind was enough to solidify the direction their conversation needed to take. It reminded him of his conversation with his mother and how she had expressed the dashing of hopes and dreams for him. She had envisioned seeing him married and having children, watching her seed grow and multiply. She had tried to explain how finding out Derek was gay forced her to readjust her hopes for 152

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him and her expectations for his future. It had nothing to do with love, she loved him no matter what, but she had to adjust to a different future. Derek knew without question he was gay. Just like he had done with his mother, he needed to explain why to his father. Knowing what needed to be done settled his nerves. His father wasn’t rejecting him, he just wanted to understand. And perhaps, to a degree, he was experiencing the same dashing of hopes his mother had experienced a few months earlier when she confronted him about being gay. Pulling his thoughts out of his head and forcing them back to his dad, he spoke with confidence. “Because I have had experiences with boys. Well, only one boy. But being with him, it only confirms everything I’ve ever felt and known about myself. His father wilted. “So, you’ve had experiences with a boy.”

“Yes. Are you upset?” Derek hadn’t expected his father to be pleased, but this line of questioning and the expressions he observed suggested his father was struggling with the news. “Does the idea of me being gay make you feel differently towards me?”

He was pretty sure it didn’t, but the question had to be asked. The answer was far too important and if there was even a chance that his relationship with his dad would change, he needed to know right away.

His father’s head snapped up. Derek could see the shock in his eyes and knew immediately that nothing had changed. “No, absolutely not. I love you and always will. This is big news and I’ll admit it throws me and I’ll need some time to adjust to it. I also feel a little sad you thought you needed to keep such an important thing about your life from me, but I’m happy you’re telling me now and I’m relieved you had your mother to talk to about this.”

Derek understood. His father wasn’t disappointed and thought no less of him.

“Dad, you and mom didn’t do anything to make me feel like I couldn’t say anything to you. Figuring things out for myself was scary enough, but the idea of adding you and mom to the mix was terrifying. I guess I didn’t give you guys enough credit. But you didn’t do anything to make me feel like I couldn’t tell you.”

His father placed a hand on Derek’s shoulder. “Derek, I know what it’s like to be young and have to face something which makes you different from others. It’s hard. But to face this kind of a difference…I can only imagine how scary it must be. It was scary enough dealing with liking girls, even if I knew my friends were all dealing with the same feelings. But you need to know one thing. No matter what, you are my son and I love you. I may need time to adjust, but I will, we will, and everything will be fine.”

Derek felt a lump form in his throat and he fought to swallow it back down.

“Thanks, Dad.”

“You have nothing to thank me for.” He removed his hand and placed it back on his lap. “I do have one more question.”

Derek turned to face him. “What is it?”

“You said that you’ve experienced things. Are you currently seeing someone?” His father shifted uncomfortably, staring at his palm instead facing Derek. 153

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“I am.” A surge of warmth rose up his spine as he thought of Scott, obliterating the chill of the air. “You know him.”

“Scott.” His father’s voice resonated with realization.

“Yes. Scott.” Derek watched his father’s face for any sign of his reaction. Henry sat quietly, contemplating all that had been discussed. “Scott’s a very nice young man. I’ve liked him from the very beginning. His father is a serious ass, but Shannon is quite a nice lady. He’s a lot like you isn’t he?”

Derek was surprised by this comment. “How do you mean?”

“Well, he’s level-headed, athletic, makes friends easily. He likes to blend in. I can see it. I can see why you would like someone like Scott.” This was more than Derek had dared hope for from his father. “Does his family know about him?”

“He’s telling Shannon today. We agreed I would tell you and he would tell her. I don’t know when or if he’s planning on telling his father.” Talking about Scott caused Derek to wonder how his conversation was going with Shannon. Henry scowled at the mention of Scott’s father. “I wouldn’t blame him if he never told his father.” He closed his mouth and shook his head. “I shouldn’t have said that, Derek. I’m sorry. But I’m glad he’s telling his mother. Kids shouldn’t have to keep secrets from their parents.”

Relief filled Derek’s body. This conversation had gone well. His father had far better control of his emotions than his mother had when they had this same conversation. It made things much easier.

They got up and headed back to the house. When they got there, Claire had returned. She was standing in the doorway, observing the two of them as they approached the house. Once she saw that they were relaxed and talking comfortably, her posture eased and a smile crossed her face. “You boys hungry?”

Henry looked up. “You bet we are!” He walked up the steps and gave her a kiss on her cheek. She looked between the two of them, then smiled and kissed him back. As Derek passed her, he could see that her eyes had turned slightly red and, as the door closed behind him, he swore he heard a sniffle.

* * * * *

Two hours later, Derek was back in his car with a whole day to kill before he was supposed to meet up with Scott back in their dorm room. His conversation with his father had gone better than expected and he felt a bit restless. Not wanting to be cooped up on campus, he decided to take a chance and drive over to Brandeis to see if Beck was in her room. Other than a few phone calls, they had barely talked and he really missed her. Driving down Mt. Auburn Street towards Watertown, Derek appreciated the nostalgia of the streets of his youth. It was only about twenty minutes to get to Brandeis, and there was no traffic on the Massachusetts Turnpike, so in no time, he was pulling onto the college campus. He had no idea where he was going, so he simply 154

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parked in the first parking lot and asked someone who looked like they could be a student where Foles Hall was located. As luck would have it, he had chosen a parking lot fairly close to the dormitory.

Walking through the campus, he marveled at how different it was from BU. Where BU had an open feel to it, spilling into the city almost like an extension of it, Brandeis was completely encapsulated. There were big walls surrounding the campus blocking the view to the streets. The dormitories were much closer together. Rather than seeing vast expanses of grassy quads, the campus seemed to have a large central grassy quad with modern looking dormitories of glass and concrete branching off in all directions. After a few minutes, he found Foles Hall and worked his way to Beck’s room. He walked up the stairs and could smell the scent of pot in the hallways. Entering the third floor hallway, he heard various students listening to a full range of music. Finally, he came to room 303. The door was open. He knocked, but there was no response.

“Hello?” There was no response. He knocked a little louder. The room had a small entranceway with closets on either side only allowing a narrow view of the room’s interior. He peeked into the room but all he could see was the wall at the opposite end of the room, comprised of two large windows covered with transparent curtains. A desk, piled high with books, soda cans and candy wrappers, stood in front of the windows. Typical Beck.

“Beck? You in there?” Derek was unsure what to do. Should he walk into the room? Beck might be asleep. Or, what if Beck wasn’t there and he walked in on her roommate? That would be very uncool. Especially since Beck had told him she had walked in on her roommate, he paused to remember what her exact words had been. Oh yeah, flicking her clit on more than one occasion.

He took a hesitant step into the room and listened for any heavy breathing. Nothing. Taking another step, he peered into the room. “Beck, you in there?” He looked around and saw the room was empty except for two unmade beds, another desk just as untidy as the first, and clothes strewn about the floor. Huh, I wonder why they left the room door open like this and what the fuck? Their room looks like a tornado hit it? Turning to leave, he took a step towards the door just as Beck turned the corner into the room. Neither had expected someone to be there so they both screamed at the top of their lungs.

“Holy mother of fucking crap and all that is fucking holy. Derek, you scared the shit out of me. Wait. Derek! What are you doing here? I can’t believe it.” She stepped into the room and pulled him in a tight embrace. “I’m so happy to see you.” As she hugged him tighter and began patting his back, as if she were a cop frisking him. Derek laughed and squirmed under her ministrations. “What, have you taken on a second job as an airport security agent? I feel like you’re searching for concealed weapons.” Derek laughed as her fingers probed at his ribs.

“You aren’t eating enough. I can feel your bones all through your body. What’s up with that?” She wore a concerned expression on her face. 155

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He shook his head and let out a deep sigh. “I weigh exactly the same as I did before. I’m just not wrestling, running, or working out as much so I guess I’ve lost a little bit of muscle mass.” He suddenly realized he hadn’t been as concerned about his appearance since he and Scott were so happy together and their new sexcapades were plenty of exercise, but he made a note to begin visiting the athletic complex so he could work out and rebuild his physique. “Anyway, I was home, so I decided to take a chance and swing by to visit you.”

Beck stopped frisking Derek and held him at arm’s length. “You’re a sight for sore eyes. Let’s grab something to eat. I’m famished.”

Derek hadn’t considered how hungry he was until Beck mentioned food. His day had been stressful and he hadn’t felt hungry, but now he realized a meal was exactly what he needed. “That sounds like a great idea.”

“Excellent. Let’s go.” Leading the way, she grabbed Derek by the hand. “You won’t believe the things I have to tell you. As you know, I’ve been keeping you informed about my roommate and her, shall we say, friendly ways with the boys.”

“Friendly ways? Since when did you begin holding back on what you really think? I believe you described her, the last time we spoke, as the sluttiest piece of trash to ever spread her legs.” Derek scratched his temple as if he were checking his memory to verify his claim. “No, I’m sorry, I believe it was the sluttiest piece of trampy trash who spreads wide for anything with a dick.”

Beck gave him a bland look. “Almost, sweetie, you forgot the part about her spreading for anything with a dick whether they walked on two or four legs.”