Wrestling With Love (38 page)

180

D.H. Starr

Wrestling With Love

Scott tentatively stood and turned to face Derek. “It’s okay. I accept your apology. I understand this has been a difficult day and you needed a release. I’ll admit, it stung like hell when you left so mad at me, but I understood that too. I love you, Derek. Just because we may get into occasional fights doesn’t mean I’ll stop loving you or that I don’t understand what’s going on. I know you pretty well by now.”

He was right. Aside from his mother and maybe Beck, Scott knew Derek better than anyone. The thought comforted him. “I’ve been really worried all day about how you would feel now that people know about me.” Derek felt Scott stiffen once again.

“I’m not comfortable with people knowing, Derek. That hasn’t changed.” Scott looked at him, his eyes unwavering. “And I really think that you should cool it for a while. Tyrell isn’t going to let up and there’s no telling what he might do next. Do you really want to draw that kind of attention to yourself again?”

Despite his conversation with Jared and his sincere regret at having attacked Scott, anger swelled inside him once again. “I don’t believe it. Even after you saw how upset I got before, after I lashed out at you because you wanted me to hide who I am, you still don’t get it do you? If I back off, he’s won. Tyrell will have effectively scared me off.”

He stepped away from Scott so he could face him. Scott, who had still been sitting, stood and the two of them faced off, as if they were about to begin wrestling. Despite Scott’s height and bulk, Derek continued, his anger continuing to grow within him. “I can’t live with that. I can’t allow someone to push me away from the things I want just because they’ve tried to intimidate me. I refuse to live my life that way.”

Scott stepped away, his shoulders drooping. “Do you hear yourself, Derek? This is not a competition. You’re talking about this like you have something to prove or like there’s some sort of contest between you and Tyrell.” He then stepped up to Derek and placed his hands on both of his arms, holding firmly. “Why does this have to be such a big deal for you? Why do you have to make it such a big deal?”

Derek shook Scott’s hands off and backed away. “Because I won’t be scared off from being who I am just because of some stupid motherfucker.”

“I’m not asking you to be scared and I’m not asking you to be someone who you aren’t.” Scott’s voice was growing louder and lines of frustration appeared on his forehead. “I’m just saying I don’t want to see you hurt. I’m nervous about what this kid might do. Why would you want to purposefully goad him?”

“Because, he had no right to do what he did and I won’t give him any power over me. The only person who matters to me is you.” Derek spat the words out. “And if you really knew me and cared about me, you would know I can’t run and hide because of this. I need your support, not your warnings and your fear that people will figure out you’re gay.”

Scott shook his head. “That’s not what I’m saying and you know it.”

“Isn’t it? Isn’t that exactly what you’re really saying?” Derek once again realized he was picking a fight and didn’t know why he couldn’t stop himself. 181

D.H. Starr

Wrestling With Love

Scott closed his mouth and stood silently. After a moment, he spoke. “This is getting us nowhere. I think we should go to sleep.” He turned and climbed up into their bed.

Derek, still feeling stubbornly angry, climbed into the empty bed. It was the first time they had not slept in the same bed since school had begun. He heard Scott sigh, but soon, Scott’s breath became slow and even. I can’t believe he could fall asleep in the middle of one of our fights. Realizing he was once again the one who had instigated the fight, Derek felt a wave of guilt and wanted to crawl into bed next to Scott, but forced himself to remain where he was, spending the night alone, fitful and sleepless. 182

D.H. Starr

Wrestling With Love

Chapter Sixteen

The night of the next Alliance meeting, Scott had gone to the athletic building, saying he wouldn’t be back until late. He and some of the other wrestlers were going to the Student Center to play pool. He had been spending more and more time with his wrestling friends and working out since the season began which normally wouldn’t bother Derek, except for the lingering tension that remained between the two of them since their argument. “Fine. I’ll see you later.” He winced as he heard the sarcasm in his voice, but like so many other times over the past few weeks, he did nothing to acknowledge his tone or treatment of Scott.

Trudging across campus, a heavy mood surrounded him. There was a light snow falling and it was just beginning to stick, dusting the ground in a thin, wispy blanket of white. As he walked, he stared at his feet focusing on the black imprints left by his shoes as he trod on the fresh snow. They looked like holes his feet were boring into the ground and gave him a sense of power over the elements. Before he knew it, he was at the Arts Center. He may have passed lots of people or no one along the way, but he had been so absorbed in his own mind he had no idea.

When he entered the second floor conference room, Jared walked over to him. “Hi, Derek. How are you? How did your talk go with your friend?”

Derek gave a weak smile. “It didn’t go so well. Not because he wasn’t cool, but because I was being stubborn. I still am actually. Things have been tense for a while.”

Jared had a sad look on his face. “I’m sorry to hear it.”

Derek smiled, feeling anything but cheerful. “Thanks.”

Jared gave him a pat on the shoulder. “Don’t beat yourself up. No one said life was easy all the time. We all go through rough patches. Hey, I haven’t stopped listening to your music. It’s awesome. The guys are so excited you’re mixing for the party.”

Grateful for the distraction, Derek nodded. “I’m looking forward to it.” He sat down in a corner of the room to wait for the meeting to begin. Looking around he saw Tyrell talking with Charlotte, Phillip, and Oscar. They had their heads together, but would intermittently peek over in his direction and then return to their private conversation. Derek took in a deep breath and sighed. Eventually his frustration level grew in, with determination, he stared at them, not allowing the fact they were blatantly talking about him make him feel intimidated. His plan worked well, because the next time Tyrell looked over at him, their eyes met and Tyrell quickly averted his eyes. Coward! Derek smiled grimly to himself.

When Jared called the group to order everyone sat down. “Before we begin, there’s something I want to talk to everyone about. It’s important that we remember, as a group, how important it is for us to stand together. If we can’t count on support from each other, there’s no way we can count on support from anyone else.”

He paused for a few moments and let his words sink in. “It has come to my attention that one of the members of our group had an experience where they were 183

D.H. Starr

Wrestling With Love

confronted in a public manner. This person was approached in front of his dorm and was accused of something in front of his dorm mates. Not only was the accusation untrue, but it was done in such a way which forced this person to reveal his sexual orientation before he was ready to do so.” Again, Jared allowed his words to be internalized by the group.

Several people stirred in their chairs, murmuring their disapproval and looking around the room. Derek could feel his face begin to burn. “I want to make it clear that such behavior will not be tolerated. Besides being an act of harassment, it completely goes against what we stand for. We are not an organization that pressures people to come out or to reveal anything personal about themselves until they’re ready to do so. We’re a support organization that plans events to promote integration and understanding. I personally take offense to what has happened and would like to assure everyone, if such behavior takes place again, I will report it to the dean of the appropriate class.”

Derek sat perfectly still as Jared talked, not daring to look around at Tyrell, concerned that if he were to turn around it would cause Tyrell to say or do something more than he had already done.

“That said, today we’re going to break up into our groups again. Jeff and Charlie’s events are planned for next week. The dance is planned for two weeks from now.” Jared then concluded the general portion of the meeting and asked the members to join their smaller groups.

The dance committee met for a while, discussing how to promote the event. Jared shared that Derek would be mixing, which was met with a round of applause from all but Tyrell. After about an hour, Jared called for a short break. Derek walked into the hallway to clear his head. This meeting had been more intense than he had expected and he wished he had been given advance warning Jared was going to address the whole group. Heading down the stairs, he stood by the front entrance of the Arts Center. The air was much cooler since people were coming in and out of the building and felt soothing.

Leaning against the window, Derek dropped his head against his forearm and stared out at the lit campus. The snow had begun to come down more heavily since the meeting started. Fat, white flakes wafted in the air. Where they fell by the campus lights, the flakes took on a slightly orange hue. Watching them fall in a steady rhythm relaxed Derek and helped his mind to release the stresses and concerns he had been harboring, wishing his life could be as easy and free as falling snow. After about five minutes, Derek turned to go back to the meeting, and pulled in a breath. Tyrell was standing directly behind him. “Holy shit. You scared me.” When Tyrell stood his ground and didn’t say a word, Derek took an angry step toward him.

“What do you want, Tyrell?”

“I want to know when you’re going to get off your high horse and admit the truth to me, everyone else, and yourself.” He stood, hands on hips, challenging Derek to refute him.

184

D.H. Starr

Wrestling With Love

“Tyrell, just get out of my way. You’re out of your mind. I don’t even like you. Maybe for half a second I thought there was a little piece of you I could be friends with, but now, there’s nothing about you I want to have anything to do with at all.” Derek tried to walk by, but Tyrell grabbed his arm. His grip was firmer than Derek would have guessed. “Let go of my arm.”

Tyrell maintained his grip and pulled Derek so they were facing each other. “You don’t even know the trouble you’ve caused me. Charlotte, Phillip, and Oscar think I’m a liar. Jared pulled me aside the other day and told me if I ever pulled a stunt like I did the other day again he would kick me out of The Alliance.” Tyrell’s voice was beginning to shake and his grip tightened on Derek’s arm, beginning to hurt. “This is all your fault.”

“No. This is all your fault, Tyrell. You’re the one who got it in your head I want anything from you. You’re the one who stalked me outside of my dorm like some kind of crazy person and then made a scene so my entire dorm knows I’m gay.” Anger rose up through him like bile, building in intensity. Taking a deep breath, he forced himself to stop talking, not wanting to get into an argument. “Let go of my arm.”

Tyrell tightened his grip, his nails digging into the flesh of Derek’s bicep. “Not until you admit there’s something between us.”

Derek yanked his arm out of Tyrell’s grip and headed towards the stairs. Tyrell followed, tailing him closely. When they entered the hallway where the meeting was about to reconvene, Derek whipped around. “Just leave me alone,” he hissed between clenched teeth.

Tyrell stood directly in Derek’s path, glowering. “I will not leave you alone. No one treats me the way you treated me and gets away with it.” He was speaking in a loud voice which drew the attention of the few students who were in the hallway. Derek tried to walk around Tyrell to get to the conference room, but Tyrell blocked his way again. Not wanting to get into a physical altercation, Derek began to tremble with rage. If Tyrell pushed him much further, he was afraid he would snap. “I said step aside, Tyrell.” His voice was too calm, too controlled, and he knew he was close to forcing Tyrell out of his way.

“No. You’ve ruined everything for me.” Tyrell reached out and grabbed Derek’s arm again.

Derek was just about to rip his arm free and punch Tyrell when they both heard a loud voice and turned around. Jared was standing behind them, a few feet away.

“Tyrell, I think Derek asked you to leave him alone. I’m not entirely sure why that translated into you grabbing him by the arm, but I’m pretty sure it meant he wanted you to let him pass.”

Tyrell released Derek’s arm, his eyes opened wide in surprise. “We were just having a discussion. Nothing is wrong here. Right, Derek?”

Derek closed his eyes and took a deep breath through his nose, releasing it through clenched teeth, his nerves beginning to relax now that Jared was there. “We won’t have 185

D.H. Starr

Wrestling With Love

a problem if you step aside and let me get back to the meeting.” Tyrell moved out of the way and Derek walked past him and into the conference room. He could hear the murmurs of the students who remained in the hallway but couldn’t make out what they were saying, his own racing thoughts crowding out his ability to make sense of anything else.

When Jared returned to the room, he walked over to Derek and leaned over to whisper in his ear. “I asked Tyrell to leave. You need to let me know if I should kick him out of the group for this.” Derek shook his head. “Are you sure?” Derek nodded.