Wrestling With Love (37 page)

“No, because I’ve been worr…” Scott’s voice trailed off and his shoulders slumped. He sat down and said nothing. “Go ahead.” His voice was quiet and he looked defeated. “I’ll be here when you get back.”

Scott’s reaction deflated much of Derek’s anger. Seeing him on the loveseat, the one he had surprised Derek with, looking hurt and miserable, made him want to rush to him and apologize for the things he had just said. Still, twinges of anger and hurt continued to pull at the edges of his nerves. He steeled himself and left the room without saying anything.

As he walked across campus, the weight of his actions hit him. He had completely overreacted, but what was worse, he’d stubbornly allowed himself to remain angry rather than to calm down. Scott was sitting in their room right now, shell-shocked and probably upset only having wanted to comfort him and Derek had attacked. What Scott had said was nothing new to him. He knew Scott wasn’t ready to come out, but according to Elizabeth he had to be calmed down so he wouldn’t go after Tyrell. The first thing he had done when he got back to the room was to sit with him and hold him. Derek knew Scott loved him. Wanting to remain private about his sexuality had nothing to do with that. Attacking Scott because he was the one closest to him was no excuse, even if he knew Scott would forgive him. Everything in Derek told him to turn around and to go back to their room. He owed Scott an apology. Scott didn’t deserve to sit and feel miserable while he went to Jared’s room to have a good time. Derek knew this is what he should do, but he couldn’t bring himself to actually do it. Something inside him forced him to trudge on to Jared’s, clinging to whatever remnant of anger still remained inside him. Maybe it was the fact that Scott had actually verbalized his concerns about the wrestling team or maybe it was just pure stubbornness.

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When he arrived, Jeff and Charlie, two of the junior members of The Alliance who had led the other groups in the last meeting, were there. A few other members were present as well. Derek was relieved to see Tyrell wasn’t there. Looking around, he saw Charlotte, Phillip, and Oscar weren’t there either. Jared came to the door to welcome him. “Derek. I’m so glad you could come. Guys, this is Derek, the person I told you about.”

Derek smiled and shook hands with Jeff and Charlie and was then introduced to several of the other people in the room. Once he had taken off his jacket and had been given a drink, he reached into his bag and took out the demo CD. “Jared, I brought this so you could listen to it. It has five different songs on it, but, like I said, for each song, I have at least twenty pre-recorded songs of the same style. I wanted you to hear the diversity of what I can do.”

Jared took the CD and put it into his stereo system, then returned with Derek to the group of people hanging out. Derek observed the group as they interacted. These guys were nothing like Tyrell or the trio of Charlotte, Phillip, and Oscar. They were down to Earth, talking about things of interest beyond sexuality and The Alliance. Jeff was an economics major and was busy talking to another guy about the stock market. Charlie was an art major and was discussing an upcoming student exhibit in which his work was going to be displayed. These guys were hanging out and talking about normal things. He realized it was the exact image of what he thought it would be like to be openly gay in college. At the same time, Scott crossed his mind and his enjoyment of the moment was soured. It didn’t matter that he had found a group of people that embodied exactly what he wanted, or at least what he thought he wanted. Knowing Scott was back in their room, feeling like shit because of him, caused guilt to consume him.

Jared sat next to him, distracting Derek from his thoughts. “Hey, you look like you’re a million miles away. Are you okay?” When Derek looked up Jared had a serious expression on his face.

“Actually, no, not really.” A shade of concern crossed Jared’s face. “I had a problem this morning which kind of shook me up.”

“Do you want to talk about it?”

Before he realized what he was doing, he spilled the entire story of what had happened with Tyrell. The other people in the room were engrossed in their own conversations, so they didn’t hear Derek’s recounting of the morning’s events. When he finished, Jared had a horrified expression on his face. “Come on. Let’s go for a short walk so we can talk privately.” Derek allowed himself to be led down the hall to the lounge area. It was empty and the two of them sat on a couch. “I’m so sorry that happened to you.”

Derek shook his head. “I’m fine, really. What gets me is that my boy….er, roommate, who is also my best friend, came back from his practice and was worried 177

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about me. I kind of took all of my frustration out on him and then stormed out to come here. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have come. I know I’m a big downer right now.”

Jared squeezed his shoulder briefly. “Don’t be silly. I’m glad you came. If for nothing else, you can talk to someone who has experienced the things you’re now experiencing.”

Derek looked up. “Really?”

Jared nodded. “Yes, really. I’ve experienced my fair share of fear, humiliation, and public outbursts. Not so much in the past couple of years, but when I first got here, yeah.”

Derek shifted in his seat so he could face Jared more easily. “What did you do? How did it affect your ability to make and keep friends?”

“It didn’t. People didn’t care. There will always be people who won’t like us just because we’re gay, but those are the exception nowadays and if they get caught harassing us, they get put on probation or kicked out. You just have to be willing to stand up for yourself and to fight against intolerance of any sort.” Jared shook his head.

“I knew that kid was bad news from the very start. I ought to kick him out of the group.”

Derek panicked. “Please don’t. I don’t need any more shit from him. I think all it would do is aggravate him even more.”

Jared’s expression became somber. “Okay, but I do think someone needs to talk to him. Can I at least do that?”

Derek nodded warily. “Yes, but please don’t let him think I put you up to it.”

“Absolutely not. It’s my job as leader of The Alliance to make sure all members are safe.” After a pause, Jared put his arms behind his head and let out a slow breath. “So, your roommate was ready to kick some ass, huh? He sounds like a great guy.”

“He is. He didn’t deserve the shit I gave him before I came over here.” Derek felt the weight of his actions begin to crush him and wanted to run back to Scott and make things right. “It’s not his fault I’m so fixated on the way I want things to be here on campus.”

“What do you mean?”

Derek considered what he had said, then looked at Jared. “It’s got to do with being out and about how people might perceive me if they know I’m gay.”

“Is that why you asked me how people reacted when they found out I was gay?”

Jared asked.

“Yeah.” Derek was beginning to feel like a child who needed consoling. It was embarrassing and he could feel his cheeks begin to grow warmer. Jared laughed. “You wear your emotions on your sleeve. There’s nothing to be embarrassed about.”

“I never used to be so obvious. I used to be really good at hiding my feelings. I don’t know what’s gotten into me.” He felt his eyes begin to burn. 178

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“You’re beginning to figure yourself out. You’re testing the waters to see what you’re comfortable with and what you want.” Jared’s hand was rubbing his back and it felt good. It wasn’t sexual at all, just soothing. “We all go through something like this. It may happen at different times, but we all go through it. For those of us who are surrounded by loving, healthy people, we come through it feeling better about ourselves and knowing it’s okay to be openly out and gay. For people who don’t have stable outlets or friends, it’s a much sadder story.”

Derek listened as Jared continued. “I was lucky. I have loving parents and great friends. It was easy for me to come to terms with who I am and to be open about it. I don’t know you, but you seem to be a self-assured person. I would guess you aren’t so different from me. Am I right?” Derek nodded and continued listening.

“All these guys in my room right now are similar. They may not all be out to their families, but they do have people in their lives who accept them exactly as they are. That’s important. Maybe that’s why Tyrell behaves in such extreme ways. Maybe the fact all you want from him is friendship feels like a rejection to him and maybe that’s what he’s used to…rejection I mean.”

Derek closed his eyes and shook his head, resting it in his hands. “I don’t want to feel sorry for Tyrell right now. I was doing just fine on my own, slowly coming out to my family. I have this incredible boyfriend. I like being in The Alliance. I didn’t need to be outed the way I was. It was humiliating and I had no control over the situation. Jared nodded again. “That’s true, and I don’t blame you for not wanting to feel pity for Tyrell. What he did was wrong and there’s no excuse for it. I’m simply trying to present a reason for it. I’m also trying to show you you’re not in the same situation as Tyrell. I bet you make friends pretty easily don’t you?”

“I do, but now I wonder what that will be like for me.”

Jared laughed, then covered his mouth. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to laugh. It will be exactly the same as it’s always been. Trust me. People don’t care nearly as much as you think they do. Come on. Let’s get back to the room.”

When they returned to the room, everyone was sitting as they had been before, engaged in small conversations and listening to Derek’s music. Jeff and Charlie looked up when they came in and walked over. “Hey guys, we wondered where you went.”

Turning to Derek, Jeff smiled. “This music is awesome. You mixed all of it?”

“Yeah. It’s a hobby of mine and I love mixing for parties. I’ve done a few dorm parties so far this year, but mostly I’ve just been modifying pop songs from the radio. I hope you guys want me to mix for the big dance we’re planning. It will be the first time this year I can really let loose and mix a real dance sequence.”

Charlie clapped Derek on the shoulder. “Absolutely. You’re it. How much do you charge?”

Derek looked at Jared, then returned to face Jeff and Charlie. “Oh, I’m not going to charge for this. I believe in the reason for the party and am volunteering to do it for free. 179

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Besides, it won’t be a lot of work since this is the kind of stuff I usually mix and I already have enough pre-recorded music for several parties.”

Jared smiled. “That’s very generous of you. I think we’ve found a future leader of The Alliance who can carry our torch once we graduate. Derek has the exact mindset we’ve been promoting for years.” Everyone complimented Derek on how much they liked the music and for the next hour, spent time talking with him. After about an hour, Jared walked over to Derek and pulled him aside. “You look distracted, Derek. It’s about your boy…roommate. Am I right?”

Derek looked down at his feet. “Am I that obvious?”

“Go back to your dorm. Straighten things out with him. I’m sure you’ll feel much better once you talk to him.” He handed Derek his jacket and thanked him for the mix once again. “Derek, I’m glad we got a chance to talk tonight. You’re an awesome guy. Try not to worry so much. Things will work out just fine. I promise.”

The walk back to his dorm felt long. Derek was nervous and wanted to get to Scott as quickly as possible. Wondering how Scott would react to him, his stomach clenched and for a moment he thought he might get sick. It was so uncharacteristic to go on the offensive the way he had and Scott had not deserved the treatment he’d received. When he finally got back to their room, Scott was sitting at his desk, studying. He looked up when Derek walked in, closed his book, and folded his hands on his lap, maintaining eye contact the whole time. Derek stood in the doorway for a minute, then walked in, closing the door behind him. Walking over to Scott, he stood behind him and placed both hands on his shoulders, slowly massaging his muscles. Scott leaned back against Derek’s touch, still not saying anything.

Scott’s shoulders felt tight and Derek took his time working the muscles, digging his thumbs into the tightened knots he could feel rolling underneath the surface. As they began to loosen, Scott let out a sigh, and leaned further back so that his head rested against Derek’s stomach. Continuing with the massage, Derek summoned his courage.

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have lashed out at you like that. It wasn’t fair and you didn’t deserve it.”

“I understand. You were upset and needed someone to unleash your frustration on. I’m the person you’re closest to. It’s okay.”

“No, it’s not okay. I can’t do that. Just because I’m upset, doesn’t give me the right to attack you. All you wanted to do is help me. I didn’t want to hear anything nice earlier. I was looking for something to get angry at and I lashed out at you, accusing you of worrying that you might get outed in this process.”

Scott tried to get up, but Derek held him in place. “I know you feel that way a little, but that’s no secret. We’ve talked about this before. It’s not like you were trying to pretend you were comfortable with something when you really weren’t. I was picking a fight and it was wrong. I’m sorry. Worse, I took off, leaving you here in the fallout of my anger.”