You Should Smile (6 page)

All of us continued hanging out that summer.  I noticed that things between Thad and I became more intense the more we got to know one another.  Our emotional connection was getting stronger as we learned more about each other beyond that of a professor and his grad student.  We had serious talks about things that went well beyond school.  We connected in ways that most people do when they date – similar senses of humor, aligned political and religious views, appreciated music tastes, etc.  When the emotional connection intensified, it only exacerbated the constant sexual temptation between us. 

We never addressed it.  But it was there – mocking, hovering, waiting…….

Grant wasn’t helping at all.  He’d gotten it in his head that Thad and I were “meant to be”, so he was constantly teasing and pushing me about it.  No telling what he was saying to Thad, too.

One particularly embarrassing episode happened one day in the computer lab that summer.  Grant and I were the only ones in there and we were sitting on the couch, on the opposite side of the door.  We constantly tried to one-up one another with “Who’d You Rather”, a game where you pose two to three choices of people and the other person
has
to choose one of them they’d rather fuck.  You can explain why you chose that person, but the best questions are those with terrible, horrible, awful choices so that they have to make a hard decision between them.  Sometimes the reasons they give are the funniest part.  Every once in a while, though, we’d throw in some hot choices just to see what the other would say.  I’d gotten up to throw something away when Grant posed, “Who’d You Rather?  Dr. Reeding, Dr. Grambling or Dr. Hanover?”  With my back turned to him still, I replied quickly, “That’s not even a choice and you know it, Queenie.  I’d do things to Reeding that’d make a porn star blush.”  Grant started snickering and I turned around.

There, standing in the door, was none other than Pickup Grinner himself.  My face went blood red and I turned back around quickly, pretending to look at something on one of the desks. 

I heard him clear his throat.  Then silence.  Awkwardness.  His voice was tense.  “Not funny, Grant.”

Then he walked off.

I turned around to face Grant, rage ensuing.  “I swear, I’m going to kill you.  I know I’ve threatened it in the past, but I swear, this time I mean it.  I’m going to kill you.  Slowly.  Watch you suffer……You knew he was standing there, didn’t you?  Why in the fuck did you do that?!!”  My voice raised an octave.

Grant continued grinning.  “Just moving along the inevitable, my dear….You’ll both thank me later.”

“I hate you,” I muttered.    

***************

On Thursdays that summer, all of us liked to go to the stadium to watch the local AAA baseball team play.  It was always ‘Thirsty Thursdays’, meaning beer only cost $1.00.  That was good for a grad student’s budget.  I’ve always loved baseball.  Baseball has the same basic rules as fast-pitch softball.  Of course, girls’ asses don’t look nearly as cute in the pants (well, at least not to me).  During one of the previous games, Thad found out that I was a college softball player who loved baseball.  He’d grinned at me like the old days – and people were even around us at the time.  It seemed he couldn’t help it.

You know that part in a romance movie where the hero does something to make you swoon?  Some selfless act that demonstrates how amazing he is?  Well, Thad’s moment came at one of those Thirsty Thursday games that summer.

When we’d first walked into the stadium that day, Grant had made a comment because I was wearing a baseball cap with my hair hanging out the back in a ponytail.  I’d laughed and told the others about Grant’s strange hatred for baseball caps.  Thad had shaken his head, saying to Grant, “I like them, dude.”  Then, when he thought no one was looking, he’d whispered something in Grant’s ear that made Grant’s eyebrows go up.  Grant made quick eye contact with me and grinned before looking away.  I’d noticed.  I’d seen it all.  What the hell?  I vowed that Grant
would
tell me what Thad had said later, or else I’d threaten to use the key he gave me to his apartment and get rid of his Versace cologne.  He would die.

The game began and the beer was flowing.  After a particularly bad error by our team’s first baseman, though, I heard a familiar voice behind us heckling:  “Go back to little league.  You suck!”

I knew that voice.  Mama’s Boy.  He was obviously drunk.  I shrank in my seat and glanced over at Grant, who was sitting on the other side of Thad.  Grant’s look told me he’d recognized the voice, too.   Grant mouthed what looked like “fucker” and I tried to attempt a smile.  I thought Thad was still caught up in the game, but he turned his head and caught Grant’s look of disgust pointed my way.  Thad turned and looked at me, then back at Grant.  He pointed his question at Grant: “What?  That guy bothering you?  Just ignore him.  He’s wasted.”

Grant was never good at hiding his emotions – the whole drama thing fit him too well.  He looked down and mumbled, “He’s always bothered me, but not because he’s wasted – because he’s a cheating asshole.”  Bitter and cryptic.

Shit.  I tensed up completely and looked down at my lap.  I began to fidget with my hands.  Thad noticed my body language and it hit him.

“Is that Mama’s Boy behind us, Shay?”

I didn’t answer.

He whispered, softer this time, “Is it, Shay?”

I finally nodded, continuing to look down at my lap.  Thad moved his hand on top of mine and squeezed softly.  Upon his touch, my skin came to life again – tingling, burning, feeling.  Ms. L., who I think had actually been in a coma for a while, was alert, awake, and cussing me out again.  Great.  When he removed his hand after a brief moment, I felt cold.  Lifeless.

But then I heard his whisper in my ear, “It’s okay, Smiles.  He can’t hurt you anymore.”  My lips turned upward and my heart skipped.  I tried to pay attention to the rest of the game, but I couldn’t.  I wasn’t even thinking about Mama’s Boy anymore.  I was thinking about Thad’s touch and his tender words.

As the game ended, we stood up and began walking up the stairs.  The rest of the group was already near the top, with Thad and me trailing behind.  From the bleachers above, I heard my name.  Him.  Mama’s Boy.  I looked toward the voice and saw him there sitting next to my former best friend, Alicia.  I tensed again.

“Hey, Shay.  How are you doin’?”  He smiled at me with his old smile – the kind that I used to think was sweet.  Now it just pissed me off.  I mean, I couldn’t care less about his sorry ass anymore, but how dare he act as if nothing in the world had changed?  As if he hadn’t slept with my best friend and ripped my heart out at one point in time?  As if all was normal and right?  Alicia just looked at me like she’d swallowed a lemon.  She made no attempt to say hi or even smile.  At least she was smart enough to realize how fucked up it was to pretend like it never happened at all.

“Why Jeremy and Alicia”, I said sarcastically, “What a pleasant surprise.”

He went on, not noticing my obvious disdain.  “Yeah, really!  Alicia and I live around the corner from here.  We love to see a good game, ya know.” 

I nearly laughed at his nonchalant reference to domestic bliss, until I felt Thad standing next to me.  Awkward. What was he doing?  Why was he standing there?  I felt like I had to introduce them.

“Uh, this is Thad…..Jeremy, Alicia.”  I mumbled Jeremy and Alicia’s names as I nodded among them all.

Then, Thad slid his arm around my waist, as if to stake a claim on me.  Pretending we were together?  Protecting me?  For my benefit?  I saw Alicia’s eyes light up as she believed he was “with” me. Back off, bitch, I thought.  You already played that game.

Awkward silence again.  I glanced over at Thad, who was looking up toward the sky – and grinning widely.  Like he was contemplating something.  Was he drunk?  What the hell was he doing?

He brought his chin back down and continued grinning.  Then, he held his hand out for Jeremy to shake.  Jeremy was as unsure of this bizarre gesture as I was apparently, because he reluctantly met Thad’s hand to grasp it.

“Ya know, man, I just want to thank you.  If you hadn’t fucked up with Shay, she would’ve never been mine…..So I actually owe you one for being such a fuck-up.”

Jeremy face was frozen with – disbelief? Fear?  Awe?

Then, to top it off, Thad looked over at Alicia and made a point of checking her out, looking her up and down.  Clearly affected by his gaze, Alicia started returning a sultry look.  I thought about choking her….until Thad shrugged his shoulders and said, “Hmmm….I really don’t get it.”  He turned toward Jeremy again.  “Hey, man, to each his own, I guess….”  Jeremy’s face was still frozen and Alicia looked like she was about to cry.

Pause....Silence.  He’d seriously just rendered them completely stunned into silence.

Thad grabbed my hand, kissed my cheek, grinned at them again and said, “You all have a
great
day now, ya hear?” He nearly skipped us both up the stairs to meet Grant, who was standing there with his mouth agape.

“I’m not sure what that was, but I liked it.  Holy shit!  What was that? Did you see their FACES??!!”  Ethan and I rolled our eyes at Grant’s hysterics.

I turned to face Thad.  I was beyond confused.  “Yeah, what
was
that?”  I could still feel the tingling from where he’d kissed my cheek.

Thad shrugged and tried to play it off like it was no big deal, which tangled me up even more.  “I don’t know.  I just wanted to see them both suffer somehow.  That was the first thing that came to mind.”  Panty-dropping grin.

I couldn’t resist that grin.  I felt my lips slowly turning upward again, but I wasn’t going to let it go without trying to make one thing clear.  “Well, I appreciate the help, but I’m not some damsel in distress, you know.”

Thad nodded, still grinning, but seeming to understand my need for self-protection and respect.  “Not a damsel.  Not in distress.  Got it, m’lady.”

I rolled my eyes….and smiled.  For real this time.

Thad left separately and when we finally got to the car, I hounded Grant, “Okay, so what the hell did he say to you about baseball hats?” 

Grant laughed out loud.  “How long have you been stewing over that, Princess?”

“All fucking game.  Add that on top of that ‘knight-in-shining-armor show’ he put on back there and I am a confused mess of a mess.”

Grant looked back at me from the passenger seat as Ethan drove.  “Oh, honey.  I’m sorry.  It’s gotta be hard.  You all are
so
meant to be, though.  It’s written all over the place.  You’re like magnets.”

“Not helping, you know,” I pouted.

“I know.  I’m sorry.  You sure you want to know what he said?”

“I don’t know.  Was it about me?”

“Ummm…not
directly
, no….”

“Okay, then.  What was it?”

“Well, after you said that I didn’t like baseball hats on girls and he said that he did, he leaned over and whispered, ‘It’s the ponytails.  I just wanna grip ‘em from behind, if you know what I mean’.…”  Grant nodded his head dramatically. 

The words hit me to the core.  “Fuck you, TOO, Ms. L!” I screamed.

“Huh?”  Grant asked, perplexed.   

I shook my head.  “Nothing…..”

You know in the movies when the cheesy music starts and you just know the characters are
finally
going to get it on?  That’s not like real life, either.  There’s no cheesy music and there’s no cathartic moment, really.  It happens because we’re human and we give in to our baser instincts.  Sometimes there’s really nothing logical or musical or even romantic about it.  For us, it happened thanks to Not-So-Decent Pete.

A few weeks after the baseball game, Pete called and told me that he had some of my stuff and he wanted to give it to me.  He wanted to try out this new Italian place, he said.  He insisted on picking me up, even though I tried to make it clear that it wouldn’t be a date.  I finally gave in.  I supposed it would be nice to just catch up with an old friend. 

When we walked into the restaurant, I felt it.  The static.  The electricity.  The presence.  I turned to the right and there was Thad sitting in the bar area with another psychology professor I didn’t really know.  They were watching a football game on a screen above them.  Just like a damn magnet, his eyes met mine and he lifted his hand to wave before stopping.  He noticed Pete standing beside me.  His grin faltered and I could see the familiar tension come to his jaw.  Part of me wanted to run over to him and explain, even though I technically owed him nothing.

I waved anyway and tried to smile, but he didn’t return it.  I decided to ignore that for the time being and focused back on Pete just to get it over with.

Pete spoke.  “See someone you know back there?”

“Uh, yeah.  Someone from the university.”

“Oh.  Cool.” 

We sat down and started ordering.  How soon could this be over?  Could I just get my stuff and leave?  This was a bad idea.  I soon realized, however, just how bad.  Pete apparently had an ulterior motive for asking me there.

“Listen, Shay.  I’ve been doing some thinking about us.  I, uh….I really want us to give it another try.”

No.  No.  NO.  Not now.  I did
not
feel like dealing with this now.  “Pete, listen, I think you’re great.  I just think we’re better off not together.  You deserve someone who can make you happy.”

I listened as Pete droned on and on about how this was a good decision for “us” because we were at the right age, place, and time.  Somehow, I was able to excuse myself to go to the restroom.

I knew that I’d have to pass Thad to get to the restroom, but given the choice between that and listening to Pete any more, it was actually the lesser of two evils.  I walked by and noticed he was looking down, trying to ignore me.  Fine.  I did the same. How fucking childish we were.

I came out of the restroom and began to walk briskly past his table when I saw that his friend had left.  He sat alone.  As I passed, I heard his voice, laced with venom.  “Having fun with your old
friend
?”  The anger, the jealousy, was unmistakable.  It hit me with dramatic force, triggering my own madness.

I turned around abruptly to face him.  “Excuse me?”

He looked up to meet my eyes.  His were raging, steely blue waves.  “You heard me.  Are you having a good time with your old
friend
there?”

I hissed back, “First of all, he called me to give me some of my stuff.  This isn’t a fucking date.  Second, I’m getting the hell out of here as soon as I can.  Third, how in the world is any of this your fucking business?”

Thad was about to respond when he looked behind me.  I heard Pete’s voice.

“You wanna get the hell out of here?  Go on…..You know what?  Fuck you, Shay.”

Thad jumped up, looming over the table.  “Watch it, asshole.”

Pete laughed.  “Gonna defend her honor?  Have at it.”  He turned toward me.  “In fact, why don’t you just ride home with this guy instead?  Sounds like you two have a lot to talk about.” 

I turned to face Pete, who was no longer “decent” in my eyes.  “Just keep that stuff, Pete.  I don’t want it anyway.” 

His hollow laugh echoed through the empty bar area.  “No problem, bitch.”

Thad rushed forward and I put my hands to his chest to try to stop him.  He was about to push me aside before realizing what he was doing.

I pleaded, “Please don’t, Thad.  Just let him go.  Please.” 

Pete took that chance to cowardly stomp off.  My hands were still pressed up against Thad’s muscular chest and we both looked down.  I slowly removed contact, afraid if I pulled away too quickly, the sparks would ignite.

His eyes, still full of anger, held mine for a brief second before he looked away.  He stepped backwards, almost wobbling, and reached over to seize his coat off the chair with one hand.  His other hand, balled tightly into a fist against the small of my back, nudged me toward the door. 

“I’ll just get a cab,” I whispered.

He growled, “Don’t even fucking say it.  Let’s go.”  He pressed against the small of my back again and this time, I acquiesced.

We rode the entire way to my apartment in complete silence.  I glanced over at him once and, through the black darkness of the night, I could see the outline of his tense jaw, chiseled with fury.  He looked sexy as hell, but for once, my own anger drowned out Ms. L.’s screams.  I was madder than she was, apparently.

As he turned into the empty dark parking lot behind my apartment house, I couldn’t hold it in any longer.  It was just too much.  It’d been bubbling to the surface for months.  The tension.  The mixed signals.  The frustration.  I mean, how dare he!  How dare he do any of that shit back there with Pete!  How dare he act like he has a right to be the one who’s mad!

“That shit you just pulled, that’s not fucking fair!” I screamed at him when he pulled into a parking spot.

His eyes met mine, just as angry.  “Which part isn’t fair?  The part where I stepped in to defend your honor or the part where I took you home safely?”

“The part where you act like you care or even have a right to do any of that!”  I yelled back, practically spitting out the words.

“Well, excuse me for giving a shit as to how you’re treated and your personal safety,” he roared back sarcastically.

I couldn’t think of anything else to say, other than the “go to” phrase for all things pissed off:  “Fuck you!”  I couldn’t stop more words from pouring out.  “Fuck you for making me so hot I can’t breathe half the time!  Just…Fuck you!”

That did it.  His eyes lit up and I didn’t even have time to react as he reached across the truck, unhooked my seat belt in one fluid motion, and dragged me toward him.  He grabbed my neck and pulled me to his lips.  Oh god.  His lips.  I’d dreamed about this moment (okay, maybe not the angry part leading up to it, but still....) His lips were full and on fire.  He kissed me with raging need and I didn’t hold back.  We were both angry and hot and this was a long time coming.  Our tongues began to spar in a dance of furious passion.  Moving my hands under his shirt, I dug my fingernails into his skin.  He groaned loudly.

Still overcome with anger and lust, I took his bottom lip between my teeth and bit down hard.  An animalistic growl came from deep within him as he squeezed his hand tighter on the back of my neck, deepening our kiss.  Then, he pulled away from my mouth and began a scorching path down my neck – licking, sucking, biting.  My neck is extremely sensitive – it’s my weak spot.  I moaned instinctively when I felt his teeth bite into that certain zone…. 

“Oh shit.  Oh my god!”  I could feel the wetness hit my core and I wanted to put my hand down there just to make the ache go away.  Ms. L. was screaming for release. 

My words must have refocused him, for he pulled away from my neck and put his forehead to mine.  We were both panting heavily.  After a long silence that seemed to calm him down, he finally spoke. 

“So, your neck, huh?” he inquired, as he traced his finger down the side of my neck, stopping over my pulsing carotid artery.  I couldn’t even speak.  I bucked my hips forward involuntarily and moaned. 

“Mmm Hmm,” I managed to choke out somehow.  “Is it that obvious?”

He moved his lips toward the pulsing point on my neck and slowly flicked his tongue on that spot.  Again, I involuntarily bucked forward and moaned, “Oh god....”

I could feel his grin in the side of my neck and the low hum of his voice as he said, “Yep.  Pretty obvious.”

Ms. L. was going insane.  “Please, don’t stop, Thad.  Please.”  Was I begging?  Sounded like begging.

“I’ll ease your pain, Shay.  Don’t worry.”

I wasn’t sure what he meant by that, but I didn’t have time to dwell on it.  My attention was elsewhere, focused on the fact that his lips and tongue were back to that nook in my neck – kissing, nibbling.  I was vaguely aware of his left hand trailing down my leg, grasping the hem of my dress, and inching it up slowly.  I was further vaguely aware of that same hand then lightly trailing, feeling across my thighs and moving up, up, up to my inner thigh.  My legs spread automatically as his rough, yet gentle fingertips traced along my inner thigh to reach the edge of my lacy black thong. 

Still, he continued kissing and licking and sucking my neck as his fingers explored below.  I thought I’d combust.

He moved the edge of my thong aside and lightly traced his fingertip along my swollen outer lips.  Back and forth, up and down.  Slowly.  Methodically.  Still making love to my neck with his sensuous lips.

“So fucking wet….” he whispered against my neck.

Did he say something?  Was he trying to talk to me right then?  I just moaned in response.

Finally, his finger touched my clit and I lurched forward.  Yeah, he knew what he was doing.  Some guys pressed too hard; some guys pressed too softly.  He knew the exact pressure it would take to get me there.  Light circles, a little more pressure added every once in a while.   Pause to stick his finger inside me and pull it out slowly, back in, back out.  Back to light circles around my clit again......still kissing and gently biting on my neck.

I was so close.  I could feel it building, like a tsunami you can see ahead in the ocean.  You know it’s coming and you know you can’t stop it.  And you know it’s gonna be
big
.

“Ohhhh……!!!” I screamed and bucked my hips into his hand as the waves of pleasure hit.  I couldn’t stop myself from thrusting with each heavenly spasm.  All the while, my neck was on hyper alert.  I was like a highly strung violin, ready to play beautiful music or break apart completely.

He pulled away from my neck to watch me ride through the orgasm, his hand still working its magic below.  His eyes were intense, mesmerized, as he witnessed me coming down from that high.  When I’d finally calmed, he gently removed his hand from between my legs and smoothly pulled my dress back down.  He met my lips in a passionate kiss.  I didn’t dare speak, afraid of what words would come tumbling out of my mouth.  I bit my lower lip and begged myself to keep quiet.

Putting his forehead to mine, he broke the silence.  “You are so unbelievably sexy when you come.”

I dared to look up at him and meet his eyes.  “I’m speechless…..”

His grin told me that he understood how rendering me speechless was a big deal.   “Not angry anymore?  No livid libido?”

I laughed.  “She’s happier now.  Apparently orgasms help.”

He grinned.

Then I realized that I hadn’t taken care of him.  I moved my hand toward his waist and he stopped me.  “It’s okay.”

“But you didn’t….”  I looked at him, confused.

“This was all about you – just you.  Believe me, I want to.  I
really
fucking want to….but this way, I can still say I came onto you.  I can take the blame as the person with authority.”

His words were like ice water being poured over my head.  They were both sobering and disturbing.  “That’s ridiculous.  I’m twenty-six years old, for fuck’s sake. I’m not a child.  I want this…”

“You know that wouldn’t matter to some people, Shay.  Until your defense is over, I’ll just have to survive on thoughts of you coming…..”

I caught his words about the “future”, even though in the back of my mind, I realized that writing my dissertation would take another year at the least.  Could
I
wait that long?  Then, the other part of what he implied registered.  He was talking about jacking off – to thoughts of me.  If it’d been anyone else in the entire world, that might have freaked me out a little....but with him, it made me even wetter than I already was.  So hot.  I suddenly wanted nothing more than to watch him do it someday…Daydreams….

“Quit it, Shay.  I’m already on edge here.”  Abruptly, he opened his door, jumped out of the truck and came around to my side to open the door.  I scooted over and grabbed his extended hand to let me down.  Once I was on the ground, he swatted my ass. 

“Get in your apartment.  Please.  Before I do something I regret.”  His words were harshly tense, but his grin (creases and all) showed he was still under control.  I started to head that way, but then he spoke again.  “Hey, Smiles?” 

That name felt so familiar now.  Like it belonged to me.  I turned around to face him and his eyes met my own.  “I’m sorry.  I’ve tried to fight it….but I saw you with him and I just lost it…..” He trailed off, unsure of how to explain.