A Healing Heart (24 page)

I felt as if the wind had been knocked out of me. What had Collin told her? A sense of betrayal washed over me. Was he just stringing me along, uncertain of how to deal with me? He had confided in her that he was worried about my health? I thought I was going to throw up. I choked down the bile that had risen to my throat. It was then that I realized Natasha was speaking.

“
That’s enough, Savannah. Don’t play your games with us. I can see right through you. You just couldn’t wait to get your hands on Collin, could you?” The anger in her voice pierced through each word.

“
Natasha, I have no idea what you are talking about. Collin and I have known each other for years before Bailey even met him. I already had my hands on him.” Smiling, she seemed completely confident standing there in Collin’s doorway.

I gazed into Savannah’s brown eyes and saw nothing but coldness. I had clearly underestimated her. I was beginning to wonder now if she’d had a hand in Collin’s family moving to Vegas. Before I could reply to her, I heard the rumble of a car rounding the corner, so similar to Collin’s old car I was sure it was him. Looking over my shoulder, I watched the burgundy Camaro come into sight and pull into the driveway. My eyes made direct contact with Collin’s through the windshield; the electric current raced through my body. I could see the amazement on his face. I had clearly surprised him.

Collin opened his door and exited his car, a pizza box in his hands. The blue T-shirt he was wearing brought out the sparkle in his eyes, and his presence just took my breath away.

“
Bailey? What are you doing here?”

The anger and hurt still pulsed through me.

“
I thought I’d surprise you with a visit. But I can see you’re not missing me much. Savannah seems to be keeping you company.”

For a second, confusion clouded his usually clear eyes and then he turned toward Savannah at the door. Quickly taking the last few steps toward her, he handed the pizza box over to her.

“
Savannah, please take this inside and let Lacey know lunch is here. I need to talk to Bailey.”

“
Sure, honey, no problem.” Savannah took the pizza box and disappeared into the house calling for Lacey. I watched her perfect silhouette vanishing down the hall. Before I could force my eyes back to Collin, he leaned over and shut the door. The endearment Savannah had just used was still ringing in my ears. Natasha was still at my side giving me much-needed strength.

“
This is a surprise. I had no idea you were coming for a visit.”

“
That’s obvious. I thought you would be excited to see me, but it sure doesn’t look like that.”

“
I’m just shocked.”

“
What is going on here? Is what Savannah says true? Are you guys hanging out, watching movies and stuff together?”

“
Yes.”

Just yes? That’s it, no other explanation? The knife twisted deeper in my heart. I had hoped he would deny it. My emotions were completely overwhelming me. Trying to focus was becoming difficult.

“
Did you tell her about my nightmares? That you are worried about my health?”

“
I talk about you a lot.”

“
Uh-huh. More like how you don’t know how to get rid of me? Poor, fragile Bailey—I can hear it now.”

“
Bailey, you are a very special girl. You deserve so much more.”

“
Why? Why did you keep coming to see me? Why drag this on?”

“
I wanted to make sure you were okay.”

“
That’s it? You wanted to make sure I was okay?”

“
Yes.”

“
So is this it? Where do we stand, Collin?”

“
The distance is hard on you. You can’t deny that you aren’t sleeping well; it’s taking a toll on you physically. Maybe it’s better to take some time apart.”

The words stunned me. I looked into Collin’s deep blue eyes, and I felt like I was staring at a stranger. I couldn’t believe it. Really, I had been expecting him to deny everything, to take me into his arms, to hold me and make all my fears and pain go away. Instead he stood there just a couple of feet away, unmoving, his face emotionless. I was completely numb.

“
Fine. If that’s what you want. Go back to your precious Savannah. Let me tell you, Collin McKenna. I have survived worse. I don’t need your pity. Your pretty little Savannah, I knew it was always her that you wanted. I was just a charity case for you. Did it make you feel better about yourself by helping the poor broken girl?”

The bitterness that washed over me caused the words to come flying out without any thought to what I was saying. I wasn’t thinking clearly enough to stop the fling of insults. In the end, it didn’t make me feel any better. My blood was still boiling as it coursed through my veins. I wanted to strike back, to inflict the same pain that I was feeling. But it only left me even emptier inside; and now on top of the pain, I felt regret, wanting to do things over, to say something different. The need to throw something was overwhelming. I wanted to shout and scream at the top of my lungs. Instead I stood in shock. It was finally Natasha tugging on me that snapped me out of my haze long enough to move my feet down the sidewalk.

“
Bailey, come on, let’s go.” Natasha started dragging me toward the car, but then we stopped abruptly and I felt Natasha turn around.

“
I thought you were one of the good guys, Collin, but I guess I was wrong. You’re even worse because you played the caring, sensitive guy. You and Savannah deserve each other because her conniving little black heart suits you.”

Natasha turned and kept dragging me away from Collin. I let her pry the keys out of my hand as she opened the passenger door for me and walked around to get in the driver’s side. Mechanically, I slid into the seat. As we drove away from the house, I glanced back to look at Collin one last time and found Savannah standing by Collin’s side, her arm resting on his. The horrific image burned into my brain and I couldn’t get it out. Nausea overwhelmed me—I thought I was going to need Natasha to pull the car over.

I was completely unaware of my surroundings. The grayness had completely overtaken me. I didn’t even know we had stopped at another house. Looking up I realized it must be Natasha’s aunt’s house. I was in no mood to stay in this horrible city. I just wanted to get home as fast as possible and get far away from Collin.

“
Please, please Tasha, can we just go home?” I pleaded with her.

“
Stay here and just give me a minute, okay?”

I just nodded and sat in the car, the engine still running, the air conditioning blowing my hair and drying the tears that streamed silently from my eyes.

~ Collin ~

The smell of pizza wafted through the car. I was anxiously waiting for the next few days to pass so that I could see Bailey. Being separated from her was more difficult than I’d ever imagined. As I turned down my street there was a car in front of my house and it looked like Bailey’s car. No, it couldn’t be, I was just imagining things. Then as I got closer and drove into the driveway, I knew it was Bailey, and Natasha was with her. How? Why was she here? My heart pounded with the thrill of seeing her.

As I shut off the car, I caught her gaze, and instantly, pain shot through me. Her eyes weren’t filled with love and excitement; they were full of anger and hurt. I was baffled: Why was she so upset? Racking my brain, I tried to think of something that I might have done to hurt her, but I was drawing a blank. She had seemed fine last night when I had talked to her, and even this morning when I had texted her everything seemed to be okay. This sudden change worried me even more.

The dark shadows under her eyes were worse than they were just a week ago; the smudges seemed to grow gradually darker every time I saw her. I knew she had been losing some weight too, but she was so thin now, her clothes were beginning to hang on her. I knew it was my fault. Getting out of my car with a heavy heart, I knew what I must do. I had to let her go, give her a chance to heal. Holding on to her like this was only hurting her worse.

Standing firm, I let her angry words wash over me. She had every right to be hurt and upset. She had needed me and I had deserted her. She deserved better, and I hoped that someday she’d forgive me. Every muscle in my body ached to pull her close, to hold her, keep her next to me, never letting go. Instead I held back, trying not to waiver in my decision.

Standing there, our gazes connected, I saw the moment the realization hit her, and as the light in her eyes dulled, I almost lost my resolve. Her pain cut through me so deeply I wondered if I’d ever be the same again. Watching her walk away from me, I felt like half of myself was being ripped apart. As she reached the end of the sidewalk, my thoughts screamed words that only I could hear. “I’m so sorry, Bailey. And I’m sorry that I always seem to be sorry. I will always love you.”

Standing there, I watched in silence as the love of my life drove away. I wondered if I’d ever see her again. I was so focused on Bailey that I was surprised when I turned and Savannah was standing by my side with her hand on my arm. I wondered how long she had been standing there, as I never heard her come through the door.

CHAPTER FOURTEEN

~ Bailey ~

M
y
senior year was in full swing, and I moved from day to day, going through the motions, but not really living. Halloween had arrived, the weather still warm during the day but cooling at night. It had been over two months since that fateful trip to Las Vegas. The first few weeks had been the worst, with my friends constantly dragging me out of the house trying to cheer me up. My aunt and uncle had been supportive, but they didn’t really know what to do with me. I tried to keep up a good front, not wanting to worry everyone, but I knew my aunt could see right through the facade.

Deep down, I knew that it had been too good to last. I was not one of the lucky ones who got to live a fairy tale life. I knew that firsthand, but I had let myself believe and hope that maybe, just maybe, things could be right for me. I realized now that love is not just excitement, tenderness, feeling special; it is also a bone-crushing reality of pain. It felt as if my heart had been ripped entirely out of my body, but the paradox was, the heartache was the only thing that felt real right now. Maybe the potential for agony and loss is what makes love itself that much stronger, knowing that it all can be gone in an instant, so you live life like there may not be a tomorrow. Collin would always hold a special place in my heart, no matter how much I tried to forget him or push him out. He had left his mark on me, and it was something I would never be able to remove.

So many times I had composed e-mails and text messages to him but always ended up deleting them or saving them, never sending them. Collin had sent one text message on our drive home from Las Vegas, just two little words:

I’m sorry

I wasn’t sure which was worse, keeping that message stored in my phone or the other message that I had saved from before my trip:

love u sweetie! u r the best thing in my life

Mia had found them both in my phone one day and begged me to delete them, saying I needed to move on and forget about Collin, but every time I tried to delete them, I just couldn’t. I wasn’t ready yet.

Riley had been my salvation, my special little man. He was so easy to love, so loving in return, his sweet nature helped to ease the pain in my heart. Tonight I was taking him trick-or-treating and was anxious to see what his costume would be. It was a secret he had actually kept from me, no matter how many times I tried to get him to tell me.

Arriving at the Howard house just before sunset, I noticed that the jack-o-lantern that Riley and I had carved the day before was at the front door, its goofy grin glowing with a candle. The lopsided grin made me smile. Riley had worked so hard trying to carve it straight. I actually thought it looked better crooked as it gave the pumpkin more personality. Before I could ring the doorbell, the door flew open.

“
Surprise!” Riley yelled.

“
You’re a pirate!” On Riley’s head sat a black felt hat with a skull on the front, and he had a big gold hoop earring hooked to one ear, a black eye patch, white shirt, black vest with a bright red sash tied around his waist, black pants, and black boots. A sword in one hand completed the look. He was entirely too cute.

“
I’m three now, a big boy pirate to protect you.”

My heart melted instantly, and I thought I was going to cry. I leaned down to hug him. “Yes, you are a big boy now. You can protect me anytime. Are you ready to go trick-or-treating? See what kind of candy you can get?”

“
Yes!”

“
Okay, let’s go get your pumpkin basket.”

When I got up, my eyes caught Eileen’s, and I could see compassion in them. Eileen had been easy to talk to after I got back from Las Vegas. I was able to open up to her more than my aunt or friends; she had been a sympathetic listener, never judging, and had given me some good advice. I knew that the torture she had gone through in losing her husband, Tucker, was entirely worse than the suffering I was living through right now, and she had survived. She had made it through, and I knew in time I would pull through as well.

“
I’m ready! Got my pumpkin!”

“
Well, then, let’s get going. We’ll be back in a bit.”