A Healing Heart (21 page)

I turned the car around and sped toward Bailey’s house. Her car was parked out front. After parking Natasha’s car I hobbled out of the car and up to the front door. Bailey’s aunt was waiting and opened it to let me in. She never said a word as I followed her upstairs where she opened Bailey’s door and stepped aside for me to enter.

Bailey lay on the covers, her face buried in the pillows, her shoulders shaking silently. Every once in a while she would take a deep shuddering breath and it ripped my heart out watching her in so much pain. Pain that I had caused; I wanted to be able to take it away, to make it all better.

“
Please, leave me alone.”

“
Bailey, please. I’m so, so sorry.”

She flipped over immediately, her face registering complete shock, like cold water had just been poured over her. Her face was white as a sheet, black streaks down her cheeks, her eyes red and puffy. I felt like I’d just been punched in the gut; looking at the girl I loved in such pain crushed me. As the door shut behind me, I carefully made my way to the edge of the bed and sat down.

~ Bailey ~

Collin’s voice startled me. How did he get in here? I had thought it was my aunt returning. Flipping over on the bed, I stared at him as he sat down on the edge of my bed. Wanting it to be real, wanting him there but then thinking it had to be just a dream. I felt horrible, my body ached, my eyes burned—I knew I was a mess.

“
Bailey, sweetie, please stop crying. I’m sorry, so sorry I didn’t tell you earlier. I just never knew how to tell you. I kept hoping that my dad would change his mind.”

“
But you leave in two weeks, Collin. Two weeks! When were you going to tell me?”

“
I really don’t know. Soon. I didn’t want to hurt you.”

“
Guess that didn’t work out, did it?”

“
Honey, please. I’m sorry. I feel bad enough as it is. My dad gave me the option of staying here, but I can’t leave Lacey. She begged me not to leave her. She’s only four, she still needs me. Las Vegas isn’t too far, and I promise to visit all the time. We’ll figure something out. I just wanted to have a plan before I said anything to you. I also hoped, really hoped we wouldn’t move, that I could talk my dad into staying here.”

His deep blue eyes pleaded with me. I could see the anguish deep inside their clear depths, and I was drowning. I knew he couldn’t leave Lacey, and I would never ask him to do that. But I needed him too. Collin had given me a new hope that I could be happy again, a new outlook on life—he had become my life. How would I get through the days without seeing his smiling face, feeling his touch? Though the hurt lingered, my anger was melting. I couldn’t understand how with just a few words, his presence, and just one look, he could so easily wipe all rational thought from my head. Sitting up on the bed, I brushed away the wetness from my cheeks, black staining my hand.

“
Oh, Collin, you can’t leave me. I need you.”

Collin reached over and pulled me against his chest. The warmth that radiated from him comforted me. His hand stroked my hair as he rocked me like a child, whispering soothing words. Closing my eyes, I just let him hold me, my arms wrapped tightly around him, thinking that maybe, if I held on tightly enough, I could keep him here. But I knew deep down that I would have to let him go; a part of me wasn’t sure I would be able to.

“
It’s all going to be fine, Bailey. I’m not going to leave you. We’ll figure something out. I promise. I love you, and I’m not letting you go.”

With my face still buried in his shoulder, I cried until I had no more tears left.

CHAPTER TWELVE

B
right
sunlight was beginning to stream through my window. It was the morning after Collin’s graduation. Rolling over in bed, I realized I was exhausted, uncertain if I had really even slept at all. My clock read five a.m. It had been months since I had been awake this early. It felt as if all my energy had been sucked out. Curling up into a ball, I squeezed my eyes shut, willing myself to go back to sleep. But I knew it was hopeless; there was no way I was going to be able to fall asleep again.

Collin had stayed late the night before. My aunt had allowed us to remain upstairs as long as we kept the door open. Most of the time he just held me, kissing me softly on my forehead. Words had failed me; I was still in shock that in just two short weeks Collin would be a couple hundred miles away. Just the thought brought another fresh batch of tears to my eyes.

I felt bad he had missed his entire graduation party looking for me. The guilt of taking away that special moment from him was intense. I had been looking forward to the party as well, but the bitterness of being kept in the dark about his moving away was still so strong.

I wished he had told me earlier, given me a little more time to adjust to the idea. Maybe then graduation would have been the happy event that it should have been. I would have had a chance to prepare mentally. I wondered, though, if I was just fooling myself. If he had told me earlier, would things really be any different right at this moment? Deep down, I knew the answer was no. All that really happened was that I had lived the last few months in a bubble of happiness where reality didn’t exist. If he had told me earlier, I would have just felt the pain I was feeling now sooner. It didn’t change the fact that he was still moving. But in the end, after thinking things through, I couldn’t be mad at him for not telling me. It had hurt me and shattered my heart, but ultimately, it was the fear of losing him that stripped me to the bone, blinding me to all other rational thought.

The excitement that I had previously for the upcoming summer was gone. I only felt emptiness now. The light that had guided me out of the darkness I had been living in was all but extinguished, and I would have to move forward again by myself. Collin had promised he would call all the time and come visit as much as he could. I believed he would do his best, but eventually, I knew things would come up and he wouldn’t be able to make that drive every weekend. It was too much to ask of him, and I loved him too much to expect it.

My head told me everything would be okay, that we would somehow make it work. I only had my senior year to finish. After I graduated, I could go to college wherever he was next summer, but a year felt like an eternity. My heart ached and I doubted everything. The conflict in my head and heart battled and I wasn’t sure which one would win. I knew I was an emotional wreck, and I didn’t know how to even start putting myself back together.

Accepting that there was no way I was going to get any more sleep, I groaned and rolled out of bed. As I walked across my room, my present for Collin caught my eye. There it was, sitting on the desk in its bright and pretty wrapping, a glaring reminder of what had once been. Looking at it now caused new tears to blur my vision as I entered the bathroom.

The face that greeted me in the mirror was a stranger. My eyes were red and puffy, the dark circles were starting to reappear, my face was white as a sheet. Turning away from the reflection, I turned on the hot water, stepped under the soothing spray, and tried to wash away the heartache.

Grabbing a pair of gray sweat shorts and a black T-shirt, I got dressed. After brushing out my tangled hair, I left it down to air dry. I just didn’t have the energy to blow-dry it this morning. Downstairs, I found both my aunt and uncle sitting at the kitchen table eating breakfast and drinking their coffee.

“
Oh, honey, you don’t look so good,” my aunt said as she pushed back her chair and walked toward me.

Plastering a fake smile on my face, I attempted to be positive. “I’ll be okay. It’s not the worst thing that can happen to me, right?”

“
Bailey, honey. I’m so sorry.”

She gathered me in her arms and held me tightly. I was trying to keep the tears pushed back; I had cried far too many of them in the last twelve hours. Pulling away, she kept her arm across my shoulder and steered me to the kitchen table.

“
Here, sit. Let me get you some breakfast.”

“
I’m really not hungry. I could use some coffee though, if you have any left. I didn’t sleep well last night.”

“
You need to eat something. How about a piece of toast with your coffee?”

“
Okay.”

Winning a battle against my aunt was impossible. It was easier just to give in. She placed a mug of coffee on the table for me—well, it was mostly coffee. I always drowned it with creamer, but it still had caffeine in it, and that was what I needed this morning. She went across the kitchen, grabbed two slices of bread, and dropped them in the toaster. Watching her quietly as she moved, I sipped the coffee she had given me. There was no way I was going to be able to eat both pieces of toast. The thought of food right now made my stomach turn. My aunt pulled out the apricot preserves and margarine from the refrigerator and slathered them both over the toast. After finishing her task, she set the plate with the toast in front of me.

“
Thanks.”

“
You’re welcome.”

She returned to her seat next to my uncle, her eyes never straying from me. I didn’t want to be a burden to them. They’d given me so much in the last two years. For my aunt’s sake, I took a couple of bites of the toast in front of me. If I hadn’t seen her put the apricot preserves on the bread, I’m not sure I would’ve even known that it was there. The bread seemed to grow in my mouth, completely flavorless. Washing it down with the coffee, I continued to progress through the first piece and take a couple of bites of the second piece before I gave up. Hoping that would be enough to satisfy my aunt, I pushed my plate aside and finished the coffee in silence.

My aunt and uncle chatted about their activities for the day, trying to draw me into their conversation and inviting me out, but I declined. I was in no mood to venture out of the house today. After rinsing my dishes and sliding them into the dishwasher, I went to the family room to watch some TV.

Curling up in the corner of the couch, I flipped through the channels but found nothing in particular that drew my attention. Just as I was starting some mindless movie, the doorbell rang. I glanced up at the clock; who would be coming over this early in the morning? Assuming it was probably just a salesman, I ignored it. When the doorbell rang again my aunt went to the door to investigate. Hearing voices but nothing specific, I focused back on the TV.

Looking up, expecting my aunt to be the one to come around the corner, I was a bit surprised to find Collin standing there; he was so handsome, my heart skipped. Without a thought, I bolted off the couch and threw myself into his arms. This was where I belonged, but I knew our time would come to an end soon, and I didn’t know what the future held for us.

“
Morning, sweetie.” His breath stirred the hair on the top of my head as he held me close.

“
Morning. What are you doing here so early? I thought you were supposed to be at breakfast with your family and the Porters.”

“
I was, but being with you is more important right now.”

“
Your dad wasn’t mad?”

“
He was a little, but he understood.”

I couldn’t make myself let go of him, clinging to him like my life depended on it. With a little difficulty, he maneuvered us toward the couch and sat down, pulling me into his lap sideways. Wrapping my arms around his neck, I just sat there with my head on his chest, over his heart where I could feel it beating strongly. His shirt smelled faintly of his cologne.

“
You don’t look like you slept much.”

“
No, I didn’t.”

“
Nightmares again?”

I just shrugged. I didn’t want to burden him more than I already had.

“
Bailey, I’m so sorry. It’ll be okay. I promise.”

“
I’ll live. I’m a survivor. Isn’t that what you keep telling me?”

“
Yes. You’re one of the strongest people I know. We can make this work. Technology today is amazing, and I’ll only be a couple hours’ drive away. It’s not like I’m headed clear across the country.”

“
I know, but it’ll still feel like it.”

Tilting my head up, I looked deeply into his concerned eyes. His fingers brushed aside the damp hair from my face.

“
I love you, Bailey. You mean everything to me.”

“
I love you too, Collin. It’s just going to be such a lonely summer now.”

“
I promise to come visit as much as I can, and you can come see me too.”

“
I’ll have to work on my aunt and uncle—I’m not sure they’ll let me drive that far.”

“
Well, we’ll figure something out.”

“
I’m sorry you missed your graduation party.”

“
It’s okay, I didn’t miss much. It’s no big deal.”

“
Speaking of graduation. I still have your present. It’s upstairs—I’ll go grab it.”

Climbing out of Collin’s lap, I went to get his present. As I went up the stairs, I noticed my aunt and uncle had vanished. I’d been so focused on Collin that I hadn’t even noticed they’d left the kitchen. After picking up the colorfully wrapped gift from my desk, I returned to the family room where Collin waited. I took my place next to him on the sofa, one of my legs crossed underneath me as I sat sideways facing him and handed him the package.

“
I hope you like it.”