Almost Alive (7 page)

             
He dropped his smile as it became more obvious to him.  “How did you know I learned it at thirteen?”

             
“What’s the big deal?”  I knew what Maria told me, but I wasn’t really prepared for it.  Julian’s irritation toward his sister bugged the crap out of me.

             
“Why are you fishing for information?”

             
“Why are you hiding information?”

             
He looked away and leaned back in his chair.  “There are just some things I don’t wanna talk about.  Please respect that.”  He was such a stubborn child. 

             
I wondered what kind of secrets he didn’t wanna tell me about.  I got that he thought everyone was evil, but he gave such a riveting speech about how we only had each other.  Why was he keeping me in the dark?  I had to know.  “I met your sister today.”

             
Julian turned back to face me and he was at least mildly angry.  “How?”

             
It seemed like a stupid question and I couldn’t resist the urge of talking to him like he was an idiot.  “She’s in my gym class.”

             
“She shouldn’t be, unless she transferred this morning before school.”  I guess he was a psychotic, paranoid, freak if he knew everyone’s schedule.

             
“Maybe she did.”  I shrugged, because I didn’t see how it was a big deal.  As a matter of fact, it was a good thing.  “Lucky coincidence.”

             
For whatever reason that Julian wouldn’t say, it really bothered him and he started racking his brain. “Stay away from my sister.”

             
My mouth dropped.  I guess I didn’t want to all the way believe that Julian was crazy and her emotional rejection was amplified because she was his sister, but I guess I was wrong!  “She was one of the nicest people here.  I could be a friend to this poor girl.”

             
“She’s bad for you.”  He seemed genuinely worried for me and angry at her.  “Stay away from her,” he warned.

             
“She’s your sister and she doesn’t deserve that kind of behavior when she was so nice to me.”  Maria probably wasn’t the type to cry, but I could see how miserable she was because of how Julian made her feel.  I couldn’t participate in that!  I felt like I was constantly betrayed and I killed myself.  I couldn’t knowingly make someone feel that way.   

             
“Thanks for this offer, but I’m going to go sit somewhere else, preferably with someone who isn’t a complete and total douchebag!”  I gathered my things and moved to the back of the classroom like originally planned.  Every time I saw Julian, he made me feel worse about him.  How could he feel like humanity was evil when he was a constant jerk?  I couldn’t be sarcastic, but wasn’t he committing a sin by being so cruel?  Well, screw that!

             
I could have used Julian’s help in class, but I muddled through the complex equations just to be away from him.  He would look back at me every so often, but I would meet him with a glare and continue on working.  If I could have put more distance between the two of us, I would have.

             
When lunchtime came around, I realized that I didn’t have any good options for dinning buddies.   I didn’t know who was in my lunch besides Julian, who made a point to follow me.  I tried to ditch him, but he was persistent and we were both headed to the same place.  When he followed me into the same lunch line, I had to turn around and snap at him.  “Leave me alone!”

             
“I’m afraid that I can’t.  You’re a danger to yourself.”

             
I rolled my eyes.  “Give me a break!”  The demon hadn’t spoken to me since I tried smashing Julian’s head in.  Though I probably should have done it, I didn’t and hadn’t tried since.  I had what it took to beat the demon and I didn’t need Julian breathing down my neck. 

             
I spotted Michael from across the cafeteria and bolted toward him as soon as I paid for my lunch.  Julian didn’t say anything, but he followed me.  I wanted him to for once, because he needed to see what I was going to do.  Before Michael was able to greet me at his table, I sat my tray down and kissed him with everything I had. 

             
I knew it wasn’t school appropriate and that I was making quite a scene, especially when the onlookers started cheering us on.  I had to take the risk of getting in trouble to show Julian that he didn’t control me and that he couldn’t.  It wasn’t the demon either and I knew that to be a fact.  I was kissing someone I found to be incredibly sexy and it had nothing to do with good and evil.

             
I was hoping Julian might go into a rage and reveal exactly how hypocritical and out of control he actually was, but the scream I heard was the shrill of a jealous female.  “What are you doing?”

             
Michael pulled away from me and I saw the brunette from gym class, pissed and teary eyed.  “She kissed me and—”

             
“What?” I yelled.

             
“Didn’t you?”  It was like Michael was daring me to go against his word.

             
I looked at the brunette looking at me like she wanted to shoot us and Michael looked like I was supposed to take the bullet.  “I guess I did and it happened really fast, but…”  I was so confused!  The brunette didn’t have any right to be so mad at me.  “He’s single.  What does it matter?”

             
“Is that what you told her?” she asked Michael, completely heartbroken and horrified.

             
“Liz, I never said I was single!”

             
I played back our conversations in my mind.  I suppose I didn’t have a file downloaded in my brain of him saying those exact words, but he never gave me any reason to assume that he wasn’t mine for the taking.  “Why didn’t you tell me you had a girlfriend?”

             
“I didn’t come onto you.  You came onto me.”

             
I couldn’t believe he was throwing me under the bus.  Maybe I should have dragged him down with me, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it.  I was filled with too much guilt when I looked into the Liz’s eyes.  I was so distraught over my best friend hooking up with my ex-boyfriend.  I couldn’t imagine what she probably felt since they were actually together.  I didn’t want to be the other woman.  I just couldn’t be!

             
I ran away with my tail in between my legs, but not before catching Julian’s horrified and disappointed expression.  I was expecting him to be smug and satisfied.  Surprised was worse for some reason.

             
As I was rushing out of the cafeteria, blinded by my oncoming tears, I bumped right into Maria.  “Sorry!”

             
“Hey!”  She pulled on me before I could run past her.  “What’s the matter?”

             
I wanted to break down and tell her.  She would understand what had happened and would see me as the innocent bystander.  She knew what it was like to be judged, embarrassed, and betrayed.  I wanted her to know so I could have one friend on my side, but I knew Julian was probably trailing behind and I didn’t want him to say anything.  Besides, he was right about how I needed to stay away from Michael.  Maybe he would be right about how I needed to stay away from Maria.  “Excuse me.”

             
I felt terrible for doing it, but I ran away from her.  I should have been a big girl and tried to clear my name, but I kept thinking about a couple of months ago and how my boyfriend ruined my life publically among all my peers.  I couldn’t be brought back to how it made me feel.  It was a big shove into deciding to kill myself.  I didn’t want to be reminded of it.  I didn’t need a demon to run me into the ground when I knew I could do it so well on my own.

             
I couldn’t finish my second day of school.  After taking five minutes to try and calm myself down in the girl’s bathroom, I was flooded with images of how it sprung to life, and attacked me and I decided it would be better to sob at home. 

             
It was Tuesday, so I knew my mom wouldn’t be home.  She was actually in class with her yoga instructor, and she always took forever getting home, so she would never know that I skipped out on school unless she was called by the principal or something.

             
I came in the house quietly, just in case Mom had the flu and was drinking a bottle of vodka on the couch or something.  She never hung out in her bedroom unless she had a man who didn’t belong waiting naked for her.  I tried not to make a noise, but the alarm on the house beeped as soon as I opened the door.

             
“What are you doing home?”  The voice was surprisingly a stern adult instead of one worried about being caught with her panties down. 

             
I decided to take my verbal abuse like a champ and entered the living room where I saw the back of a blonde head barely above the back of Dad’s favorite chair.  “Mom, I can explain.”

             
“I’m not your mother!” she said offended.

             
I took a step back, finally recognizing the voice.  I was about to freak all the way out, but I had to be sure.  I gulped and took a step toward the chair, reaching out my shaking hand toward the figure.  But just before I got right to her, I pulled my hand back into my chest.  It was too impossible.

             
“It’s not impossible.”  She stood up and turned around, revealing myself to me. 

             
“How is this possible?”  It was a perfect, mirror image of me.  “Have I—”

             
“Snapped?  No.  I just wanted us to talk to each other, and since I live inside you, I thought it would be awkward if you were talking to yourself, so I decided to…”  She giggled.  “Well, I guess you are still technically talking to yourself.”

             
I looked around as if Mom, Dad, or even Julian were watching me from afar.  “Can anyone else see you?”

             
“Well, since Mom is doing doggy facing down with her personal trainer, no.  We’re alone.  And even if we weren’t, I’m just projecting my image out.  I exist, but we share the same body.”

             
“Get out!” Since I could finally see It, I felt relieved that I had something lash out at.  I was forced to believe it was real, but I was glad to look at it and feel like I could reach out and attack it if I needed to.  But to add insult to the injury of inflecting my body, it dared to wear my face when playing imaginary friend!

             
“There’s no need to be hostile.  We should talk like adults.”

             
I was about to start screaming at it, but I shut my mouth up and refocused before I completely lost myself and began to walking up the stairs toward my room.  “I’m not supposed to talk to you.”

             
“Why?”  I thought I was getting away from it, but the demon appeared right at the top step before I could make it up halfway.  “Julian has his hooks in you that deep?”

             
I resented that, but the demon knew that.  The demon made me feel that way about Julian.  I wasn’t going to continuously let myself be tricked by it.  “He said I shouldn’t talk to you, and I don’t want to talk to you.”

             
I kept walking up the stairs, and the demon made way for me, but followed me toward my room.  I made sure to slam the door behind me to keep it out, and the door should have hit its face if the demon were real.  “I’m not your enemy.”

             
I should have taken Julian’s advice, but I was enraged and opened the door back up to confront it.  “You’re eating my soul and trying to steal my body!”

             
It threw its hands up defensively.  “Hey, I was chilling in hell, and then you brought me up here to the surface.  I don’t have a physical body, and I’m not the float around type, thanks to whatever you did when you pulled me back up with you.  I need a host.  I’m stuck in you, and it’s your fault.”

             
“My fault?” I shrieked.  “You think I want you in me?”

             
“No, but you’re the one who killed yourself.  We like to play with new souls when they arrive, and when yours was recalled to the land of the living, I was drawn to it like a beacon.”  It crossed its arms stubbornly.  “It’s simply not my fault, so it has to be yours.”

             
“Don’t try to act like you miss hell, and this isn’t exactly what you wanted.”

             
“I didn’t plan this if that’s what you’re thinking.  But I’d be an idiot not to take advantage of this situation.”  It walked over to my bed and sat down on it like the demon owned the place!  I hated the smile on its face—my face!  Why couldn’t it project a little demon with horns and a tail?  Why me?  It made me sick!

             
“Get out of me!”

             
“I understand that you’re mad.  I’m cramped in here too, but we can strike a bargain.”

             
“Strike a bargain?” I asked hysterically.

             
“I don’t have to take over your body or eat your soul.  You ditch Julian, let me live in here, and I’ll make all your wildest dreams come true.”  It smiled as if it expected me to be that stupid.

             
“Like I believe that!”

             
“You should.  I can absolutely deliver! You can have the hot guy, more friends than you could ever care about, and I can put your parents back together for real.”

             
I can’t say that I wasn’t tempted and, unfortunately, the demon knew that I was.  I did want to be with Michael, despite making me a fool in front of everyone.  Those feelings for him probably weren’t even real.  The demon probably produced them.  I didn’t care about having a lot of friends as long as a few were genuine, but it would have been nice for tons of people to have your back.  If a demon could control my emotions, I had to suspect that it could control others.  If not for the fact that it promised my parents happiness with each other, I maybe could have fallen for it.  “You’re lying.”

             
The demon looked a bit irritated but kept a fake smile on its face.  “Why would I lie to you?  Why would I bother offering you anything if I didn’t want to help?  I can take your body.  I don’t need your permission.”

             
I was a little intimidated, but it couldn’t be true.  Julian would have told me if the demon could just completely take control.  The demon had to be lying!  “No, you need me to mess up enough times.  I won’t screw up anymore.  I’ll beat you.”

             
“I was afraid you might think that.”  The demon sighed and stood up until it was right in front of me.  I tried to back away from it, but I honestly couldn’t move.  “I guess I have to demonstrate my power.”

              I heard the music first, blasting in my ears so loud and fast that it didn’t sound like any cohesive melody.  It was just noise coming into my head and inflating it with constant pain.  Flashes of light appeared next.  Different colors burst into my eyes so much that I couldn’t tell them apart.  I couldn’t tell anything apart.  It was all a blur of huddled people.  I felt claustrophobic, feeling the heat of huddled masses continuously flowing and I was a part of it. I didn’t know why I was moving—dancing—but I couldn’t stop.

             
Nothing really came all the way into focus.  I didn’t know where I was.  The music became vaguely familiar, and my body enjoyed it.  My head never stopped hurting, but I had enough sense to know that I was with two guys in front of me, but when I reached out to touch one of them, it turned out that only one of the images was tangible.  I thought it was freaky, but I reached out until I found the real one and kept moving.

             
I wasn’t much of a dancer, but my body was loose and I was easily amused by my hair flipping back and forth through the air.  I nearly lost my balance and collapsed, but the guy behind me was happily there to catch me.  I turned around and threw my arms on him to keep steady.  My feet were burning, and my heels were higher than I could manage.  All of my clothes were weird.  Everything that wasn’t skin was shimmering.  My legs and chest felt so bare, and I felt too much air circulation.

             
I looked behind me at the double imaged man.  He was too old to be dancing with—maybe in his late thirties since his hair was a little frosted, and he had some wrinkles.  I couldn’t make out much about him, and I didn’t know why I was dancing with him, but I did recognize the pair of pink, silk panties sticking out from his pocket.

             
“Stop!”  I staggered away from the man and started stumbling forward.  I could dance, but I could hardly walk to the bar where the closest seat was.  Then when I got to a chair, I almost fell out of it, and the man had to help me once again.

             
“You look like you could use another drink.”

             
The lights all around me were so bright that I had to bury my face in the bar to shield my eyes.  I didn’t know where I was, how I had gotten there, where my keys were, and if I had even brought my phone.  My life had become a cliché for a bad pop song when all I wanted to do was take a nap. 

             
“Here you are.”  A glass clanked against the wooden bar and echoed louder than the music, and I rose straight up.  There was a glass of something in front of me.  It was brown and foamy, but I didn’t drink alcohol, except for the occasional wine glass for special dinners.  But was I drunk?  Was that why I was wobbling all the time in my seat and couldn’t think or see straight?

             
“What is this?”

             
“Oh!”  He reached in a shirt pocket and pulled out a bottle of pills and sprinkled a couple into my drink.  “You need your favorite poison, right?”

             
I rested my chin on the table and watched the pills dissolve into my mystery drink.  I had no idea what those pills were either.  “Am I high?”  That would explain why it felt like the world was constantly circling every time I stood still.

             
“Much more than me,” he admitted.  I don’t remember what he exactly looked like, but I think he was attractive.  “Drink up.”  He had exactly the same cocktail I did, so I gulped it down just as he did.  My world was still spinning, but I happily let him lead me back to the dance floor.

             
I don’t know what happened after that.  I lost some time.  I know I kept moving with him, and he always held me close, but I don’t know for how long or what I thought or what was said.  I couldn’t really hear or see, but everything amused me and made me giggle.  Then it all started to come back when he started to kiss me.

             
I kissed the man back, but my stomach was aching and my cheeks almost felt like they were sweating and pinching from the inside.  I was dizzy, and if I didn’t know any better, I’d say that my eyeballs felt like I had acid splashed on them.  I lowered my head, but the man continued to kiss my neck while I swayed lightly from side-to-side, feeling worse the more I began to lose balance.  Then, I started running.

             
I didn’t know where I was going until I pushed on the door and entered the bright, clean bathroom.  I lost my balance and fell on my hands and knees, but I had to hurry.  I felt like I was being punched in the stomach.  I crawled for the nearest stall and rammed it open with my head until I was leaning over a toilet.  Then I proceeded to empty my stomach’s contents into the bowl.

             
Tears started streaming down my face.  I felt so miserable, and I didn’t know why.  I just wanted to go home, but I didn’t know how to get there.  I was too tired to get out.  I must have stayed there with my head over the toilet bowl for the next ten minutes while I sobbed.

             
There were other girls who came in the bathroom and I heard them chattering and laughing probably about me.  I wasn’t like the mean things they were saying.  I didn’t do that to myself.  “Please help me,” I mumbled at least six times before someone bothered to open up the stall and look at me.

             
“Having a rough night?”  The blurry faced girl bent down.  “Let me call you a cab.”

             
“No!”  I grabbed her arm and tried to snap out of whatever I was in.  “Can I use your phone?”

             
I couldn’t make out what her answer was, but she handed me the phone anyway.  I started dialing the number, but it never made sense every time I tried it.  My fingers were too heavy and slow.  It took four tries before I dialed the right one, and he answered.  “Hello?”