Backstage Pass: Behind the Music (3 page)

“What?” He twisted on the blanket and stared hard at me. He grabbed
my shoulder. “Sasha, are you pregnant?”

Tears burn
ed my eyes and I nodded.

“Holy shit!”

Laughter burst out of me because I’d been wanting to say that exact thing since the first positive test.

I rolled over onto my back and buried my head under the pillow. It felt so good to be home in my own bed and I wasn’t sure I wanted to get up yet. There was no shortage of things to do and even though we were home, our load wasn’t going to ease up one bit. I hadn’t expected that; the endless stuff. And there was only one thing I needed to take care of while I was home and it didn’t have a damn thing to do with the tour.

I rubbed my face and jammed the pillow behind me, then shoved my hands beneath my head
and tried not to think about Sasha’s snub. I’d figured she would have at least called and yelled at me about the car. I hadn’t expected her to keep it, but I knew it would make her made enough to talk to me. That was all I needed: just a chance to talk to her and do my best to explain and fix everything. I knew I could if she’d just give me a chance—even a chance I didn’t deserve.

Tears stung my eyes and I forced the thoughts about her away. If I didn’t, I was going to l
ie here in bed crying like a fucking broken-hearted pussy instead of doing the shit that was going to win her back.

I still wasn’t sure what that was, but it wasn’t buying her stuff, that was for sure. She’d made that point loud and clear with her silence.
Even so, I didn’t regret a single thing I’d sent her, but I didn’t want her thinking that I thought I could buy my way out of the guilt. Every purchase had done just the opposite; they’d hung the admission of what I’d done wrong so heavily around my neck that I’d never be able to forget what a fucking idiot I’d been. And that was good, because I never wanted to forget.

Because I never wanted to do it again.

But first, I had to win her back.

Some way.
Somehow.

And I could.

Because I couldn’t live without her.

I yawned.
The sun was well past my window, which meant it had to be after noon—and I’d slept more than eighteen hours. “About time.”

The tour had taken its toll, but
parts of it had been a thousand times better than anything I’d imagined—and a million times worse. I understood how easy it was to get swept away from reality into this imaginary world of rock where I was a god. Being out there on the road took the hormone fortitude of a monk—and I was no monk. But that didn’t excuse a single thing I’d done. If I was going to win Sasha back, I was going to have to be a fucking monk on the road. No drinking, no partying, certainly no whoring.

My guts ached just thinking about it. It was going to take some serious help from the guys to keep me on the path of righteousness, but the part I loved most about touring had nothing to do with what happened backstage. For me, it was all about what happened on stage. There was still only one thing in the world that came close to making me feel whole l
ike I did when I was with Sasha; standing on the lip of that stage singing my fucking heart out.

Nothing like it.

Nothing but being in Sasha’s arms.

Somewhere in the house my phone chirped. I mu
st have left it in the kitchen but I wasn’t in a hurry to go find it, even though I’d promised Scout and the boys that I’d meet them today to start planning all the shit we had to get done. Those bastards had probably stayed out all night anyway, so I doubted any of them were awake yet.

I closed my eyes and inhaled the quiet of my place. Living with everyone on the tour bus
had not only brought some funky smells, but it was never ever quiet. Not even in the middle of the night as we were going down the road. There was the hum of the tires or someone’s obnoxious snoring. Here, everything was so still. It would be nice to recharge for a couple months before we started again, even if we did have a schedule from hell while we were home. There was something about being home that made even the toughest stuff seem doable. I definitely needed a second chance to get that touring shit right and it was going to take a complete overhaul if I was going to make it work, and make it work with Sasha in my life for good.

For
ever.

I stretched and stood in the shower until I ran out of hot water. Couldn’t do that on a bus either.
As much as I wanted to lounge around until the guys got up and we could get to knocking out our giant list of tasks, there was a restlessness that I couldn’t shake. I wasn’t sure if it was because my body didn’t know how to turn off after that many days of going and going. I pulled on my running shoes and headed out the door. After a few blocks, my energy started to relax and I was back to enjoying the run. Even though I’d managed to convince myself otherwise, I couldn’t keep my eyes from scanning every glimpse of a person for Sasha. Running into her here would have been a perfect way to start over. But she wasn’t any of the other runners, which bummed me out.

But the running felt amazing and I could stow my thoughts about her
. It did what it had always done and let me focus on myself, my body, my future.

There was
n’t any time for this while we were on the road and I missed the way it made me feel renewed and recharged. I took my eight mile route and finished at Jinnie’s as the lunch crowd was finishing up. So far, my return home had been pretty low key, but I hadn’t exactly seen much of my old crowd either. I could always hope that the hype of the tour hadn’t reached home yet. Ainsley had already hinted that we’d be starting our next tour here, so avoiding notoriety wasn’t going to last long.

In that case, I
wanted an omelet from Jinnie’s while I could still do it anonymously. The hostess seated me quickly and I tried to ignore that she’d stuck me in the booth that I’d shared with Kerri and Sasha way back when. God, that felt like forever ago. I ordered my omelet and stared out the window, enjoying another moment of quiet. The table wiggled and I jumped as Axel sat down across from me.

“Hey man.”

We shook hands. “Good to see you back around here.”

I blew out a breath. “Yeah. Nice to be back for a minute.”

“How long before you head back out?” He waved the waitress over and ordered a coffee.

“Not long.”

The silence piled up on the table like a stack of Jinnie’s famous pancakes. I knew he wanted to ask, and I didn’t want to answer, so I jumped us into another subject before he nutted up and asked. “You and Kerri still a thing?”

He grinned and his dark cheeks reddened. “Yeah, man. She’s cool.”

“Nice.” I sipped my coffee and scrambled for another topic that we could cover, but those girls had been a constant connection for us.

“Man, I
’m super excited for you, too.”

I swallowed and set my cup down slowly. “I
haven’t seen her since I’ve been back.”

He didn’t miss a beat, jumping straight into the conversation like he’d known it would show up at some point.
“She’s in Florida.”

My eyes flew to his. “
For what?”

“That’s where her dad is.” He fi
lled me in on the story—as relayed through Kerri—so I had to account for her dramatics. But still, I couldn’t believe Sasha was intentionally hanging out with her dad. Part of me was really proud, while the rest of me warred over whether it was a good thing and what a fuckup I was for not being there for her during such a pivotal moment of her life. And guilt settled into my stomach too, because I was sure that my fuckup had probably been a catalyst for instigating her trip. Damn, I had a lot of fixing to do.

Breakfast came and I stretched my arms back across the bench, my stomach flipping and flopping and not near ready for food after Axel’s bombshell. “When’s she coming back?”

His shoulders lifted and fell in a shrug and he shoved a forkful of omelet in his mouth. “Couple days, I think.”

“Fuck.” I’d sent everything I’d had in my arsenal. Flowers, cars, even my little sister and I hadn’t heard one word from her. Not one word.
I wasn’t sure how much she’d told Kerri about our fucked up debacle when she’d come to visit, but I was pretty sure she hadn’t kept anything from her. They were damn near twins.

“Did something happen between you guys? Is that why she went to Florida?”

I swallowed and forced myself to take another bite before I met Axel’s gaze. No wonder he’d been willing to sit down with me and risk the backlash of either Kerri or Sasha finding out. If Sasha had told Kerri everything then Axel wouldn’t be allowed within a ten mile radius of me.

Now I just had to figure out if that was a good thing or a bad thing that she’d kept my fuckup a secret from her best friend.

***

Dad decided we needed to sit in real chairs to talk about my condition so we made
our way further up the beach to an Oceanside restaurant. He waited until we sat down to bring up the conversation again. “So is this a good thing or bad thing?”

I shrugged. “I’m not sure yet. I mean, I can’t imagine a kid ever being a bad thing, but the timing is a bit unexpected.”

He took a drink of his water and ordered a beer. “And the dad?”

“Is the musician.”

“Mmm.” He settled his fingers on either side of the glass and wiped the condensation in wide lines. “Does he know?”

I shook my head.

“You gonna tell him?”

“I don’t know. I wanted to figure out what I was going to do first. I’ve only known a couple of days.”

“They race by. Don’t go thinking you have all kinds of time to make decisions about this. Before you know it, you’ll be humongous and buying diapers.”

I hadn’t even started thinking about stuff like that—and wasn’t sure I wanted to either. The permanence of a kid was beyond my comprehension. That was a decision I couldn’t take back and I didn’t want to get it wrong.
“I just don’t want to rush, you know?”

He leaned back in his chair and folded his arms across his chest. The pose looked decidedly fatherly and I wasn’t sure that he’d earned the right to lecture me if that was where he was headed. The waiter brought a basket of bread and I grabbed a warm roll from the center and broke it in half.
“Do you regret it?” I asked.

“You can’t compare your decision to mine. Not yet anyway. First you have to decide what’s right for you.
”

And that was the million dollar question.
How could I even know what was right for me? I kind of had to make that decision for the kid growing inside of me too. I lifted my gaze to Dad and asked myself what I wanted from him. What was the unique insight of my situation that only he could give me?

“I’m not sure I know how to figure that out, though.”

“Well, how have you worked through all your other tough situations?”

“I’m pretty sure whether or not to take Calculus in the morning or the afternoon isn’t exactly the same thing.”

“Look, I’m not going to try and be a dad all of the sudden. You’ve gotten through life pretty well without me—probably in spite of me—so I’m not about to impart some advice that’s going to have any bearing on you, but you’re smart, Sasha.” He reached across the table. “Don’t let anyone tell you different, and don’t let anyone sway your decision.”

Dinner arrived and I was grateful for the distraction.
Dad must have been too because he didn’t bring it up again. We ate and he told me a bunch of funny stories. I was impressed that we could avoid all reference to Mom and their marriage when he dipped into the past for material. I got a little melancholy thinking about Mom. She should have been the first person I called for advice about this scenario but I was a whole lot more nervous about what she’d think. I wanted to at least have a couple weeks of thinking about it first.

We walked
the two blocks to the hotel, which overlooked the ocean. This was probably a standard deal for him but I was super impressed the moment we stepped into the lobby. “Hope the room’s okay. I got us adjoining rooms so you could have your space.”

I hadn’t bothered to think about sleeping arrangements which made it especially touching that he did. We stepped into the elevator and I was grateful to find it empty.
As the doors slid closed, he turned to me and leaned his shoulder against the wall. “Don’t make the same mistake your mom and I did.”

I flinched. He’d never called me a mistake before. “Which one?”

He smiled a bit but it didn’t reach his eyes and I was worried that he was really trying to be serious. He didn’t do serious very well. His breath caught when he sucked it in. “Either fix what you had with the dad, or give that baby away.”

I gasped and clutched the decorative handrail of the elevator until it dug into my palm.

He continued, either scared to stop or encouraged by my lack of response. “I know that sounds harsh, especially after we’ve had such a great day. Please don’t think I don’t love you. I do. But look at how bad I fucked up your childhood. Do you really want that for your baby?”

“I’ll be better.” I wasn’t positive that I was keeping the baby, but I didn’t like him telling me my only option was to rely on a cheating
rock star or give it up. There were more choices.

He sighed. “
Rock stars are dicks. They’re not dads.”