Backstage Pass: Behind the Music (6 page)

I stood there looking at Sasha trying to catch my breath. The whole way over I’d thought of a million things to say just so she’d let me in the door. I hadn’t expected Miranda and Kerri or the pizza guy to craft an elaborate scheme in a matter of ten seconds that would find me here, standing in her living room a mere five feet away from her. “Hi.”

She looked like she wanted to bolt.
Her eyes were wide with a mixture of fear and surprise and I couldn’t really blame her for either. “Um, hello.”

I eased toward the kitchen and slid the pizza box onto the
edge of the counter. I started to hand her the flowers, but then I noticed the vases of them sitting in the kitchen window so I set the new bouquet beside the box. Trying to buy my way out of the guilt had been a cowardly stupid idea and it hadn’t worked anyway because Sasha was too smart and saw right through my bullshit—just like always. I shoved my hands into my back pockets and turned to her, wishing I had something smart or funny to say.

She glanced around the room uneasily. “Um, did you happen to see Kerri or Miranda when you absconded with the delivery guy’s pizza?”

I smiled. “Yeah. They kind of let me in.”

She crossed her arms over her chest and tucked one foot behind her ankle so she stood there looking like a tangled up stork. It was adorable and I wanted to scoop her up and carry her to her bedroom so I could feel the heat of her skin while we talked things out. I hated the expanse of space between us. It might as well have been the world’s larges
t glacier, and for all that I felt like it was an impossible distance.

She glanced around the room again, her gaze landing on the spaces we’d shared. I could read the emotions cross her face as she contemplated each one in the span of half a heartbeat. I’d been doing it automatically since walking in. I didn’t want this to be a bad place full of awful memories. I wanted to find a way to wash the bad stuff away so this was a home for her, a safe space, a
refuge.

Tears sprang to my eyes and I hit my knees. Hands outstretched, I reached for her. “I fucked up, Sash. I fucked up.”

She inhaled sharply and her hands flew to her mouth. I was so afraid she was going to leave me here on the floor, but she held her ground and that was all I needed while I pleaded my case. “There’s nothing I can say to fix it, baby. All I can promise is that I won’t do it again.”

Silent tears streamed down her face and she pressed her fist against her lips.

“Please give me another chance. Please.” I needed her to say something, anything. I didn’t care if she screamed and yelled and stomped her feet, but the silence was killing me.

“Please.”
I dropped my head, unable to look at her anymore. Sobs wracked my body and I let them come. For the first time, I let myself grieve for what I’d lost, for what I’d thrown away. “I’m so sorry, Sasha.”

Now that I’d poured my heart out all over her floor, I wasn’t sure how to leave without looking like a fucking idiot. I shouldn’t have let the girls leave me inside
alone. I should have waited on the porch, waited for Sasha to let me in. I’d been so desperate to see her that I hadn’t realized what a violation of her trust this must seem. I begged for the floor to swallow me up, to make the pain in my chest ease enough that I could breathe again.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw her feet shuffle closer, but I was sure she was going to move past me and open the door and tell me to get out. I didn’t have anything left to say that wouldn’
t sound like a fucking excuse and I’d given her plenty of those—too many. I was done making excuses.

She stopped
a few inches away and her fingers sifted through my hair. I didn’t dare move even though I wanted to curl my hands around the back of her knees and hold her, just hold her.

“I hate what you did to us.” Her voice was barely a whisper and her fingers were t
he barest touch against my scalp.

“I’ll apologize and grovel and beg for your forgiveness every day for the rest of our lives if you’ll let me.”

Her fingertips slid to my ears, traveled over the curve, then back up through my hair. I kept my head bowed, feeling more reverent at her feet than at any altar. “How do I know I can trust you? You’ve apologized before. We’ve been here before.”

“Not here, baby. We’ve never been here.” I tipped my face up, but couldn’t bear the pain in her eyes so I pressed my cheek into her thigh and wrapped my arms around her legs.
“You have no reason to trust me. Not a single one. All I’m asking is for you to follow your heart. Do what it tells you, baby. And if it’s telling you to kick me out, then I’ll go.” A sob tore at my throat and as the hot tears burned down my face I let them fall, tried to memorize the pain in my heart so I’d never do this to us again. Never.

But I’d only get that chance if she gave it to me.

I prayed for her mercy like I’d never asked for anything in my entire life.

***

I wanted to hate him. And I could have throttled Kerri and Miranda for being co-conspirators in this devious plot to have him wrapped around me like a toddler, saying all the right things and being that guy that I couldn’t resist from the outset of our relationship. It was this vulnerability that he’d shown me from the very beginning that made me rethink my life-long ban on musicians.

A ban that—if it had stayed in place—wouldn’t have me knocked-up and broken-hearted.

Nor seriously considering doing it all over again.

But I had a child to think about now.

And my rocker dad’s advice came hurtling back to me faster than I could dodge it.
Rock stars are dicks. They’re not dads.
If I took him back now, there’d be no one to blame but myself. This time around I was walking into the relationship, eyes wide open. My fingers stilled on his hair. Was that the choice I was making then? Was I really going to take him back? Forgive him for the cheating?

His tears dampened the fabric of my sweats. Even at his weakest, I’d never seen him quite like this. There were so many good things about him that I truly truly loved. And he made me a better person. He m
ade me go for things I wanted. He was wickedly smart and very talented. And he was kind and good to my friends. He wasn’t a dick—even with his slip-up—he didn’t treat girls like possessions. He’d even been cool to Axel.

Even if we were done being a thing, I still would never be able to hate him.

Hating him would have been the easy way out. I could have walked away and never looked back. It was the loving him that was hard. Because when you love someone you have to love all of them—he’d taught me that—that love meant I had to love his flaws just as much as I loved his gifts.

Rock stars might not be dads, but I didn’t have to decide that right now. Right now, I just had to decide if I could live with the dick currently curled around me.

And if I let my heart chose, like he’d asked me to. There was no way I could live without him.

“Damn you, Jesse.” I finally broke down in the sob that had been clawing its way up my throat. My knees buckled and I pooled to the floor beside him. He gathered me to
him and pulled me into his lap.

He kissed me from ear to ear, planting them on my nose, my eyes, my forehead like he thought I was in danger of disappearing. He hugged me tight and rocked us both. I sniffed and let the tears roll until they mingled with his.
Then he stood and picked me up, hurriedly flipped the dead bolt on the front door, and ran us to my room, kissing me the entire way.

I kissed him back, starving for the feel of him. I wanted him to fill me so full of anything and everything that the time without him wouldn’t fit in my memories at all. I wanted to erase every feeling I’d had with new ones. And by the tightness of his grip, I think he may have felt the same way.

“I love you so much, Sasha.” He dropped his forehead to mine and laid me gently on the bed. His gaze roamed over me, sweet and caring and gentle. I lifted my palm to his cheek and my eyes watered. He may have made bad choices, but I hadn’t helped the situation by refusing to talk to him. We couldn’t do that anymore if we were going to have a future together. A real future.

With kids and houses and grown-up responsibilities.

Because somewhere along the way this thing between us had transitioned from a fun fling to a we’re-in-it-for-the-long-haul relationship that had the possibility to stand the test of time.

But only if we played for keeps.

And that meant no secrets. No individual decisions.

Everything together.

Together
.

He kissed my palm and rose over me until his lips hovered above mine.

“I have something to tell you.”

Worry clouded his eyes, but he battled it and tried to smile. “Okay.”

I swallowed, unsure how to deliver the news. “I went and saw my dad.”

He blinked and looked a little stunned, like he’d been expecting something different, and that was good since I still had a whole lot more to tell him. I fidget
ed beneath him, not feeling altogether comfortable about telling him with him lying on top of me like he was. “Wait. Can I sit up and tell you?”

“Sure.” He shifted to the side and pulled me into his lap, touching me the entire time.

I shifted so I could see his face. “I went and saw my rocker dad.”

“Oh . . .
kay.” He twisted a section of my hair through his fingers and wrapped his other arm tight around my ribcage, ensuring our bodies were still touching as much as he could manage.

I glance
d down at my fingers and twisted them against each other. “I wanted to find out why he’d left and how much of Mom’s side of the story was true and if he’d have changed things and—”

“Baby, there’s nothing wrong with you, if that’s why you went. There’s not some musician code that makes us all fuck stuff up. I was just an ass
-hat. And it just so happens your dad is too. But I can change.”

I shook my head. “No, I mean, yes, he’s an ass
-hat, but I don’t think you are. I mean, I did, but not anymore. I realized while I was there talking to dad that he still had a chance to make choices every time he took a groupie to bed, and he doesn’t get to blame that on Mom or their relationship or the responsibility of a kid. I think he and I can work out our own stuff, but what really happened on that trip was that I let go of our past together—his and mine, I mean.”

He cupped my face and made me look at him. “I’m not him, Sasha. I’ll never be him. You’ve seen my family. I want
that
. I want what my parents have. I want our kids to have a relationship like I do with all my brothers and sisters.” He kissed me gently. “I’m not him, baby. I made a bad choice. A very bad choice. It won’t happen again. It won’t.”

I leaned into him as the tears filled my eyes again. “I know. I do.”

We sat there for a few minutes, just mending and healing. I did know that Jesse was different. And maybe I’d regret it later, but I did think he had it in him to be a great dad like his own father, and a great husband, and that he would be able to help me raise our baby.

I pressed my palms against my stomach. This baby.
“I’m pregnant.”

I couldn’t have heard her right. I couldn’t. Time stopped along with my heart and my lungs. No way had Sasha just told me that there was a baby growing inside her. No fucking way. Adrenaline jump-started me again and I lifted her off my chest and stared at her belly, then her face. I couldn’t keep the grin off my lips. “You’re not serious.”

“I am.”

I lifted her straight up in the air and kissed her stomach gently. “Hello?” I whispered.

She laughed and squirmed. “Put me down.”

As gently as I could, I lowered her back to my lap and the tears gathered in my eyes again, but good ones this time. “Sasha, baby—I—holy shit.”

She laughed again. “Yeah, that was kind of how it went for me too.”

Her fingers were trembling and I tucked them between mine and brought them to my lips, cradling them like they were breakable. I felt like she’d turned into a fragile glass statue in an instant. A baby. Holy fuck.

Then a tremendous fear slithered up my spine. I’d been a complete douche to her and she’d have every right to have slept with someone else, but oh for the love of all that was musical I didn’t want this baby to be anyone else’s. I needed it to me mine. Hers.
Ours.

I scratched my
ear and tried to figure out how I could delicately phrase the question without getting the piss slapped out of me.

She slid her fingers past my lips and to the sides of my jaw, then waited for me to lift my gaze to hers. “It’s yours.”

A gust of air rushed from my lungs and tears slid down my cheeks again. Holy shit, if anyone saw what a fucking bawl baby she’d turned me into tonight they’d never buy another record from us. But fuck them. Fuck all of them. I didn’t need anything from any of them. I needed Sasha.

I covered her hands with mine.
“I love you more than you will ever know.”

Tears pooled at the corners of her eyes and I kissed them away. I couldn’t handle her tears, happy ones or sad. “I will never do anything to make you cry again, Sasha. I mean it. No more drinking, no more drugs, no parties, no smoking, no drinking. None of it.”

“I don’t want you to give up your life. Your career is barely taking off.” She kissed me. “But I’m okay with you quitting all of the other stuff if you want.”

“I do want. I’m doing this for us, for you.” My hand dropped to her stomach. “For you.”
Tears dropped to my hand and I didn’t know if they were mine or hers, but it didn’t matter. We were here and together and we’d figure everything else out.

“I do want to keep recording, but we can delay the tour, or never tour. We can become YouTube sensations and never leave the house.”

She laughed. “I think I’m okay with you leaving the house. And touring.” She slid her hands through my hair and pulled my forehead against hers and closed her eyes. “But I’m not sure I’m strong enough to handle what happened last time.”

“You won’t have to Sasha. I promise. I swear. I’ll
make any ultimatum you want. Just stay with me. Please.”

She wrapped her arms around me and hugged me tight with her face pressed into my neck. I tucked her tight against me and held her. God, I would never get used to this
, and holding her was one thing that would never ever get old. “I love you, baby.”

“Me, or the other one?” she mumbled against my skin.

I laughed. If she could joke, we were definitely going to be okay. “Both. I love you both so so much.”

Her li
ps pressed a kiss to my jugular. “Me too.”

***

Jesse was still asleep as I stared out the kitchen window and watched the sun lift into the sky. I couldn’t stop smiling and my heart wanted to fly out of my chest. We’d spent the entire night cuddling and talking. The coffee pot dinged and I poured myself a quick cup, then curled up on the couch and tucked my bare legs beneath me.

We got naked at some point, needing to press our skin together
, and yet both of us completely fine without having sex. Last night was still amazingly intimate—maybe even more intimate than when we’d had sex since we’d always had to get all raunchy and naughty for whatever reason. I think I’d actually call last night making love, because I felt so overflowingly full of it that I was honestly going to burst at any second.

My phone vibrated on the coffee table and I realized I hadn’t looked at it since he’d showed up and I
hadn’t texted either of the girls. I shook my head and picked it up, guessing how many texts I had from Miranda and Kerri.

“Hmm.” Only one and they were together at Kerri’s house. I
was glad. I wanted them to be friends. Miranda would never replace what Kerri and I had, but I needed them both in my life now.

I tapped out a quick reply and then took another sip of coffee. I wouldn’t be able to get anymore sleep but I really wanted to crawl back in bed with Jesse.
My phone blew up with reply texts from both of them, making me chuckle.

Details later
. I gotta go back to bed.

I grinned. That would put them in fits and I had a feeling that we’d be seeing them over here in a while for breakfast. They’d probably give us another hour, but then Kerri wouldn’t be able to handle another minute or her head would explode. I had a feeling Miranda was going to seriously want to grill her brother, too.

I stood and set my coffee on the table, then stretched. There wasn’t a single indicator that I was pregnant yet. My breasts felt a little fuller, I guess, but there was nothing in my tummy, not a single thing that made me think there was a little rocker boy in there. But the doc had verified it, both times I’d made an appointment, and my due date was scheduled for the week after my birthday.

Jesse and I hadn’t specifically discussed keeping the baby, but he seemed mighty excited at the prospect, kissing my stomach every chance he got, and then falling asleep with his hand protectively covering my non-existent bump. I wanted a clothed, serious discussion about our future though. We needed a plan, and we needed to decide if that plan included babies right now. I stopped in the doorway of my room and watched him sleep, my hand resting gently on my stomach. I was pretty sure I wanted it to include a baby, but I wasn’t sure that I technically wanted to be a single mom like mine had been. There were so many moving parts to our relationship and I still had plenty of school to finish and that seemed like an impossibility with a kid.

But I didn’t want to set my degree aside if it would make me resent my kid later, either.

So many decisions.

Jesse rolled over and woke with a start, then blinked and saw me. “Hey baby.” His voice was gravely and sleepy. “Are you okay?”

I smiled and pushed away from the door, then curled up beside him. “Fine. Just making coffee and watching you sleep.”

“Mmm.” He rolled into me and pulled our bodies together, burying his face in my neck and nuzzling me until my eyes drifted shut. This was home, here in his arms.

I turned into him and slid my thigh between his, fitting our bodies even closer together.
His fingers slid beneath my t-shirt and skimmed over my spine. I moaned and closed my eyes as his tongue traced the curve of my ear. “Sasha,” he whispered. “I think I’m going to need to make love to you, but I don’t want to hurt the baby.”

I rubbed against him, my fingers spanning his shoulders as he kissed the entirety of my ear and back down the length of my neck. “I’m pretty sure those two happen in different places.”
But I loved him for asking and even more for worrying about it.

“Are you sure?”

I inched my thigh higher until I found the resistance I was looking for. “Mmm hmm.”

He inhaled sharply, then bit my neck. “Nothing crazy this time, though. I want to love you, Sasha.”

“Don’t you always?” I was having a hard time stringing together sentences when his breath flowed over my skin. He turned me on like a freaking light switch and I was already hot and slick for him.

“No, I mean, yes. But I want this sex to be different. I feel different, everything about us feels different.” He lifted his head
and rolled so he was above me. “Or am I just a big softie.”

I laid my hands against his face. “You are a big softie, but yes, you’re
right. There is something kind of . . . magical. That sounds dumb, but this baby’s been making me feel . . . different.”

His eyes watered and I pulled his face gently to mine, kissing him with a feather touch until his lids slid closed and the tear dropped. “Do you want to be a family, Jesse?”

He kept his eyes closed and another tear snuck out. “I do, Sasha. More than anything.”

“Right now?”
I wasn’t sure this was the right time to be having this conversation, but I also didn’t feel right moving forward without talking about it at least a little. Last night we’d only talked about regrets, not about the future. And in this moment it felt right to put those dark shadows behind us.

He
opened his eyes and I came undone at the sweet vulnerability there, gentle enough that I knew no matter what we decided we’d be okay. He angled himself on his elbows and drew his fingers through the hair at my temples. “I want what you want Sasha. I know we didn’t plan this, and a baby is a pretty good hiccup in the journey. What do you want to do?”

I
wrapped my foot around his knee. “It’s not really up to me. I mean, kind of, but I want us to make this decision together.”

His thumbs brushed back and forth across my cheeks. “I don’t want to wait Sasha. If we’re going to do this for the rest of our lives, I feel like we need to take this as a gift, not a burden.” He kissed me. “But only if you want to.
Even as a YouTube sensation I’ll still have to put in some long hours even if I’m not traveling.”

I laughed. “Let’s make the decision assuming that you’ll not be YouTube King and that you’ll tour traditionally. How would that work?”

“You’d be a single mom for a couple months, or you could come on tour with me.”

I blinked. I’d never even thought about actually going on tour. “Could I do that?”

“Sure. Why not? We could travel in a different bus. I’m thinking right now I could ask Ainsley for anything and she’d give it to me.”

Oh my gosh!
That might change everything! I grinned. “Jesse, I don’t want to ruin the experience for you. I thought you had a lot of fun on the tour.”

He sobered and kissed me long and hard. When I was breathless and
fired up, he lifted his head. “Nothing is more fun than you.” He scrambled lower and kissed my belly. “Or you.” He kissed his way back to my face. “I’m serious, Sasha. Nothing on that tour was better than being with you. It might take us a couple stops to get it figured out, and our schedule would be super crazy.”

“I hear babies come with crazy schedules anyway.”

“See? Everything about this is perfect.”

I
wasn’t that positive, but it did seem like this could work out for the best. We were definitely still caught up in the sweetness of getting back together so we’d have to see if we could sustain this for any length of time, but I felt like we could. I really did. I leaned up and kissed him. “You’re pretty amazing, you know that?”

“Only for you, baby. Only you.”

Our bodies buzzed with the newness of this life growing inside me. His fingers skimmed my skin and he had us both naked between kisses and touches. My body reacted to him instantly and it was like we’d never missed a moment. He rolled over and lifted me above him, his eyes soft and loving.

I ran my hands across his stomach and over his chest, then lifted up just enough for us to fit together. As he slid inside me, I threw my head back and arched my neck, words and thoughts jumbling together as our bodies remembered things I’d foolishly thought I could forget. There was no forgetting how he made me feel.

His fingers tightened around my waist as he stroked deep and slow inside me. I swiveled my hips and pumped up and down, unable to take my eyes off him. He traced patterns on my skin and I was lost to his touch. The emotional buildup to this moment expanded my orgasm and it built quickly, crashing over both of us as he lifted my hips and pushed deep.

When my muscles gave out, he rolled me over and held himself up on his arms as he quickened the pace even though he was still trying to stay slow. I would never get enough of this man, never.

He thrust deep inside and whispered my name, then cradled me to his chest and held me. I’d never felt so safe or loved in my entire life.

And in that moment, I knew that we’d be okay.