Backstage Pass: Behind the Music (4 page)

“
You could’ve been.” If he’d have wanted to. Today had been great, but he’d had to try, had to really put the effort in. And he’d been my hero for the first ten years of my life—but he was right about the dick part. Both he and Jesse had been freaking savants at that one.

He
took a step forward and cupped his hands around my shoulders, staring intently into my eyes. “No, Sasha. I couldn’t have. That’s the shit part about this business. It must become your family if you want to have any success in it. Those guys on the road become brothers, and the women who come to the shows—well, they want to think they have a shot of getting in my pants. And a wife and baby daughter ruin that fantasy for them.” He shook his head and looked away. “I know how fucked up that sounds. Believe me, I do. I thought I could make it work, I thought my music was good enough that I could do it without the groupies. But I couldn’t. And if I can’t make it happen, no one can. I don’t care how good your boy is. He’s not better than I was.”

The
pain of his words was brutal and nearly doubled me over.

Because he was right. When it came to music, no one was better than he’d been.

Not even Jesse.

The flight attendant asked if I needed anything for what seemed like the thousandth time. When Dad had dropped me off at the airport, he’d upgraded me to first class. “Baby’s got to be babied,” was how he’d justified it.

We hadn’t talked again about my specific situation since the conversation in the elevator. I’d said I was tired and begged off to my room where I’d laid on the bed and stared at the ceiling until the wee hours of the morning. Then we’d spent our last day doing stupid tourist stuff and laughing our asses off. It had been so much easier to let him be a Disneyland dad
than the well-meaning, advice-giving one. He was better at the first, and exceptionally gifted at the second.

Probably because I was following in his freaking footsteps.

While I wasn’t any closer to figuring out what the hell I was going to do, I did understand him a little better. He was basically a devoted workaholic, but when you’re a rock star it looks a little different than when you’re an accountant. And honestly, if he’d been an accountant, the result would have been the same. He’d have worked a million hours, never been home to see us, and probably would have driven my mom to divorce him anyway. Being a rock star was just an added bonus that included a musical track.

I
sighed and stared at my phone, then dialed Kerri’s number. She’d been texting me non-stop since I’d gotten here and I still hadn’t spoken to her. We were still a couple of minutes from taking off and I liked that I could use that as an excuse to hang up if she started asking things I didn’t want to answer.

“Ohmigod, I’m so glad you called.”

“Hey, Kerri. I’m on the plane home.”

She screamed in my ear. “I have so much to tell you. Is everything still going okay? Axel’s taking me to meet his family this weekend. I’m so excited I can’t stand it.”

I latched onto her train of conversation like a hobo looking for a ride home. “That’s fantastic! He’s never done that with anyone; you’ve never done that.”

“I know, right?”

We talked for a few more minutes about her exciting news and I was genuinely happy for her but we were on opposite ends of the love scale. I didn’t have the heart to bring her down, so I was exceptionally vague about what Dad and I had talked about and what was next with him. Because honestly, I didn’t know. I mean, I had a dad in my stepfather, one who’d loved me like a daughter since the moment he’d met me, and there was no replacing him. But this new relationship with my first dad—and I was totally going to have to come up with qualifying names for them or I’d never keep this straight in my head—this relationship with rocker dad held some promise. And part of me wanted to prove to him that rockers could be dads. Great dads.

Because maybe I needed a certain one to be a dad.

Tears gathered in my eyes as I covered my stomach with my hand. The flight attendant gently touched my shoulder. “We’re ready, honey.”

I smiled and nodded. “Ker
, I gotta go. I’ll call you when I land, ‘k?”

“Bye! Love you!”

I stowed my phone and a part of me was sad that I hadn’t felt right about letting Kerri in on everything that was going on with me. She didn’t know about Jesse’s cheating.

I blinked as fast as I could
to dry the tears and quickly glanced around the plane. No one had taken the empty seat beside me and I let myself daydream that Jesse would come bolting through the door at the last second, somehow finding out that I’d come here and chasing me down like they always do in the movies. Just as they were pulling the door closed, he’d come running down the gangway, screaming for them to hold the door, then he’d manhandle his way onto the plane and drop to his knees in front of me, begging for forgiveness and promising that he’d never do it again. In my dream, we’d make a huge scene on the plane, but no one would be upset, they’d all be waiting with breaths held to find out if I took him back or not. They’d lean closer, butts on the edges of their seats, silently pleading for me to give him another chance. He’d squeeze my knees and lay his head in my lap as tears streamed down his face and he blubbered about what a fool he’d been. And then I’d lay my hand on his head and I’d forgive him, and I’d tell him about the baby, and he’d sweep me up into his arms and laughingly tell everyone to excuse us because we had making up to do and he’d carry me off the plane to an excessive amount of applause.

But
he didn’t.

A
nd the flight attendant closed and locked the door and we pushed away from the gate and lifted into the sky.

As tears dripped down my cheeks, I was no closer to figuring out my life than when I’d landed.
But now I had a hiccup in my heart that wouldn’t let go and I wanted that daydream to be real so bad that it hurt.

As soon as we landed
, I texted Miranda and asked if she could come over. She finally agreed, but not until a dozen texts asking if I was okay and was I back together with Jesse yet, and had I talked to him, and what did I want to tell her. Sometimes she could be almost as bad as Kerri with the questions but I felt like she had an inside track to Jesse’s life. She knew him before all this musician stuff, and truth was, I liked her and didn’t want to not be friends just because her brother and I couldn’t get stuff figured out.

I
didn’t owe Jesse a chance to explain. Any time explaining was involved, there was too much open to interpretation and I didn’t want him to put himself in situations that needed explaining. And yet, part of me wanted him to tell me what a big misunderstanding it was—and I needed to hear it with a clear head, not when I’d been searching for him in a sea of half-naked bodies and finding him like I did in Chicago. There’d been no way for me to be able to really listen to what he’d had to say without judging him.

But one thing was for certain
: I was clearly not any closer to getting over him. Maybe if he could explain things to me I’d at least be able to move on once and for all. Baby, or no baby.

I unloaded from the plane like a robot and got in my car. I sat there in the overheated air for a few minutes, trying to reconci
le myself with something, but I was such a freaking mess. Was this what babies did to every pregnant woman? Holy cow, I could not endure another nine months of this.

My phone buzzed and Kerri’s cute face came up on the screen. I answered, “Hello.”

“I was just thinking about you and realized I babbled on the whole time about me and Axel without even bothering to ask how you were doing. I’m such an ass. Sorry, baby.”

I smiled and started the car, then headed home. “Ker, I have to tell you something.”

“I promise I’m listening. I won’t even interrupt one time.”

I took a giant breath and told her about the baby. She didn’t hold back her displeasure that I’d told anyone before her, even if it was my
rocker dad. I deserved her berating, we’d told each other everything until this.

“Have you told Jesse?”

I hesitated. Something was still keeping me from telling her about what I’d seen at Jesse’s hotel. “I didn’t want to tell him while he was on the road, and I wasn’t positive when I was out there. So, no.”

“Are things okay with you guys? I know this was never part of your plan, Sasha, and just because you got pregnant doesn’t mean you owe
him anything. You’ve been a trooper through this whole thing with the tour, but you don’t owe him anything, not even a baby.”

“Yeah, I’m kind of figuring that out.”

“What are you going to do?”

“I
don’t know yet, but I do need to know what my options are, even before I tell Jesse about the baby. I need you to find out how your cousin found that family to adopt her baby.”

Silence stretched for way too long on the other end. I pulled my phone away from my ear, watched the counter click down a few more seconds, then put it back to my ear. “Kerri?”

Her voice was super soft. “I already know how to get a hold of them.”

I frowned and stared at the phone again. Something about Kerri’s voice was weird.
Maybe I was being hypersensitive about this stuff, but now I was wondering if Kerri had her own secret. Either way, I didn’t have time for Kerri’s issues. Not yet. “Will you text me their info then, so I can call them?”

“Yeah. Is that what you want to do?”

I shook my head even though she couldn’t see it. “I don’t know Kerri. I don’t know what to do, but I need to know what I
can
do.” I flipped my blinker and took the exit to my house, the silent phone still pressed to my ear. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you Kerri.”

“I get it, Sasha. I do.” Again, there was a softness in her voice that was so not Kerri. Maybe I’d underestimated her ability to handle the tough stuff.

“Kerri,
is there something you haven’t told me?”

“This isn’t about me,
but yes.”

I sucked my lips between my teeth. “I’m sorry.”

“It was a long time ago. And it was the right choice. But this isn’t about me. We’ll talk about it another day. This is about you. And I’m serious, Sasha. This is about you. Not that baby, and not Jesse. Remember that.”

I sniffed and turned onto my street, startled to see Jesse’s gift still sitting in my driveway. I’d kind of hoped he would’ve taken it back after it didn’t get a reaction
out of me. As I pulled up to the driveway, I remembered that I barely had any food in the house and kept going so I could swing into the market for groceries.

I pulled
into the parking lot and turned the car off, then leaned my head back against the headrest and closed my eyes. “Love you, Kerr.”

“Love you more. You can do this, Sasha. Stay strong. I’ll be back from Axel’s in a couple days, ‘k? Then we can talk for reals.”

I smiled. She’d always be Kerri no matter what else we endured. She’d always been there for me, and always would be. “For reals. Now, go have fun with him. And I want to hear all about it when you get home.”

***

After Axel and I parted ways, I ran the wrong way to get home to my house but I had to see if Sasha was home yet. Maybe Axel was wrong about her still being in Florida, and if there was even the smallest chance, I wanted to see her. I rounded the corner of the block and smiled when I saw the Camero I’d bought her, but then realized her car was gone. Figured that if she wasn’t going to talk to me about buying it for her, that she probably wouldn’t be driving it either. I searched up and down the street but didn’t see her anywhere.

I didn’t want to have to wait another day to see her. I wanted her to be here. I wanted to fix this so I could
be with her. “Fuck.” I sped up and ran double time back to my place and showered, then met the guys for drinks at noon.

Scout was in a pissy mood
. “What’s up with dickhead?” I asked Tate as I signaled to the waitress for a beer.

He rolled his eyes. “Who knows. Probably just pissed that he hasn’t been laid in six hours.”

“Ha. Ha.” Scout threw a handful of peanuts at Tate.

“So what’s the issue?”

He shook his head as my beer arrived. I wasn’t in the mood to deal with Scout’s drama. “Okay, so what do we need to get done this week.”

We sketched out a rough plan of everything
Ainsley had emailed us and who was going to do what.

“This sure is a lot of crap,” Scout said. “All I want to do is sing.”

“My ass,” I said, pushing the notebook over to him so he could write down what we’d assigned him. “If that was really all you wanted to do, you’d still be in a garage band doing it. You, more than any of us, want the money and fame and tits that come with this gig.”

Tate laughed. “It’s true, man. They’d have to kill you to keep you from touring. No way you’d go back to the way it used to be.”

“Oh, and you would?” Scout got up in Tate’s face.

Tate rolled his eyes and pushed Scout away. “Get off me, man. And yeah, I sure don’t mind all the chicks, but I
could live without them.”

“Whatever.”
Scout pushed away from the table and stomped off toward the bathroom.

Something was really up Scout’s ass but I was done buying into his drama. He’d turned into such a little bitch on the tour and
I was really hoping he was going to outgrow it. But for the most part he wasn’t my problem because he usually did what we told him to, he just whined about it every step of the way.

Tate finished off his bottle and set it at the end of the table. “Go easy on him, I think shits getting fucked up with his parents again. Not all of us have your picture-perfect life.”

Before I could open my mouth, my phone rang. “It’s Ainsley. I better grab this.” I stood and walked outside but I let her call go to voicemail while I tried to get myself back together after Tate’s comment. He hadn’t meant anything by it and I knew it, but just hearing him define my life like that brought my screw-up into brilliant focus. My heart hurt just thinking about it.

“Christ, I need a smoke.”
I hadn’t meant to say it out loud and two teenage boys spun around as I pushed through the main door headed on my way outside. The taller one, with a mop of brown hair did a double take when he saw me, then whispered something to his friend.