Broken (Broken #1) (43 page)

“
I’m going to
resurrect your brother,” I pant through my ragged breathing. “And
then I’m going to kill him again.”

Nathan chuckles and drags my
overnight bag towards me. “I’ll help you.”

“
Great. We
need towels or something.”

“
Hot
water?”

I shake my head, “No. Just
towels, old ones because they’ll…” Ouch, ooowie, ouch. “Fuck.” I
wince at my own swear word and immediately apologize. “Load a video
on YouTube or something! Don’t just stand there.”

“
Right,” and
he’s gone again.

This sucks. This really… oh
thank god. Jeanine is here!

I hug her when she gets close
and hold her tight for a while. Almost breaking her neck as my
belly contracts. “Nathan!” She shouts and Nathan looks as relieved
to see her as I do. “I need to change and wash my hands. Stay with
her. I’ll deal with this.”

Nathan does as he’s told but
not before asking, “How did you get here?”

“
With
difficulty, it’s about four foot deep out there. I had to put bin
bags over my trousers to keep the wet out.”

“
That’s all
well and good, but I’ve got a melon in me wanting to get out. Can
we please share survival stories later?” I pant.

Jeanine vanishes for a few
minutes, I vaguely hear the taps running and quick footsteps before
she returns.

“
Move her,
I’m going to grab these pillows,” I’m not sure what they do, all I
know is one minute I’m on the ball and the next I’m leaning back
against Nathan’s open legs and my shorts are off.

The pain radiates throughout my
body before focusing on one spot. The pressure is unbearable.

They keep talking to me, keep
saying things but I can’t hear them. I can’t focus on them. The
pain is too much.

“
Need to
push,” I grit out and I’m moved again. My back is against something
soft, the couch cushions have been placed on the ground. It’s
comfier than I was.

I can hear screaming, I can
hear growling and cursing. After a moment I realise it’s coming
from me. All sense of time has gone, I have no idea how long this
pain has been going on, all I know is I want it to stop.

Fortunately my body seems to
know what it’s doing and pushing with it brings me a small amount
of relief. The pressure is unbearable, it’s burning so bad. I want
to escape it, I can’t keep my legs still.

Nathan is holding one up to my
chest I think. I can see him but I can’t focus on anything.
Everything that’s happening is going through my eyes and not
registering as reality.

So much pain.

It’s stretching, it’s burning.
“He’s crowning,” I hear Jeanine say excitedly. “Come on Gwen,
you’re doing brilliant.”

Nathan kisses my temple and
holds my hand, his words are encouraging and the tone they’re
delivered on is full of fear and excitement.

He’s crowning. It’s almost
over.

Another pop seems to happen and
I feel more water flood from between my legs.

“
Bloody
hell,” Nathan blurts in my ear. “The head’s out.”

Jeanine squeals with delight
and orders me to push as soon as I feel the need to. Well… it’s not
like I had other plans.

It seems like forever before I
hear it, that beautiful cry that could pierce a fragile ear drum.
Something is dropped onto my chest and my attention focuses on
him.

“
Well, he’s
definitely a boy,” Nathan laughs and rests his chin on my
shoulder.

He’s perfect, so damn perfect.
His damp and gooey head holds a thick layer of dark hair. My
hair.

His face is all Caleb, the
shape of the eyes, the pouty lips and the nose. It breaks my heart
and fixes it all at the same time.

“
Well done,”
Jeanine sniffs and dabs at her eyes with a hankie. “You did so
well.”

“
Why won’t he
stop crying?” I ask, my tiredness showing in the sluggishness of my
voice.

“
He’s
hungry,” Jeanine chuckles and begins wiping him down with a towel.
“Leave the cord attached until the ambulance gets here. It’s better
not to mess with that.” I didn’t even notice.

He’s hungry? Oh god…

There’s a loud knock at the
door a few minutes later, good timing. Jeanine stands, I don’t
think Nathan wants to move right now. I don’t want him to move
right now.

Two paramedics walk in a few
moments later, I’m relieved to see my doctor with them.

“
Doctor
Meadow,” Nathan gives him a polite nod.

The older man with slightly
greying hair kneels down and holds out his hands, “May I?”

I nod and hand him the baby boy
that I still can’t believe is mine. He places him on a white
blanket that covers some kind of device that looks like a large set
of kitchen scales. “Eight thirteen,” he says and one of the
paramedics scribble it down. He clears the baby’s nose and mouth
and pushes on certain parts of his body with his hands. I watch him
take his temperature and check his vitals before cutting the cord
and handing him to Nathan.

Nathan had no time to say no
and now has my son in his arms, he stares down at him looking
frightened and full of wonder. Like a rabbit caught in headlights.
I don’t think he’s noticed that the baby is gunky and naked and
it’s rubbing off on his bare arms.

“
We need to
deliver the placenta,” Dr Meadows says softly, his smiling eyes on
me. He gets a paper, hat shaped thing under my chin in time to
catch my vomit. Gross.

The next few minutes blur by,
I’m only vaguely aware when Nathan, with Jeanine’s help, gets the
baby in a nappy and dressed. I’m being sewn up and cleaned up. I’ve
unfortunately had to have stitches which sucks because I’m going to
be extra sore for a few days.

“
We need to
try feeding now,” Dr Meadows announces and Nathan hands the baby to
Jeanine before lifting me onto the couch. That’s better, so much
more comfortable.

Breast feeding is an
interesting experience, it’s not pleasant but it’s not unbearable
either. Fortunately the little bundle gets the hang of it
immediately. I love him. He’s perfect.

I should be embarrassed that
I’m sat almost naked in nothing but a gown in front of strangers
with one of my breasts hanging out. But after that ordeal, I just
don’t care.

“
We still
don’t have a name for him,” I groan and rest my head back against
Nathan’s shoulder.

“
We haven’t
really discussed it,” Nathan says thoughtfully. “I thought you’d
already chosen one.” I shake my head in response. “Are you not
naming him after his father?”

Good question. “I… I don’t want
to call him Caleb.”

“
We’ll figure
it out, there’s no rush,” Nathan kisses the curve of my neck. “You
were amazing.”

“
You were
loud,” Jeanine jokes, I give her a playful scowl and look down at
my son.

Caleb should be here for this.
He’d love him. I can just imagine how excited he would have been,
if he were here. But he’s not here and this little boy will never
get to experience his daddy.

My heart breaks as I grieve my
son’s loss for him. My fingertips move over his chubby, rosy cheek.
I’ve never felt a love so intense before, I can feel it in the very
centre of my soul.

“
Let me take
him for a while,” Jeanine says when my son finishes feeding.
“Nathan, go and run her a bath.”

“
Am I not
going into the hospital?” I blink in shock and stare at my
doctor.

“
No,” he
responds with a smile. “You’re both healthy and fine, it’s not
necessary. I’ll be staying in the village anyway, I’m only a phone
call away.”

“
You’ll need
to purchase a set of skis. I don’t feel comfortable letting her
stay home after that ordeal. What if she haemorrhages or collapses
or something worse?”

Dr Meadows places his hand on
Nathan’s shoulder, “I assure you, she’ll be fine. We’re classing
this as a home birth. I have no concerns.”

“
I’m fine
Nathan,” I croak as I hand the baby to Jeanine. “I’m just
tired.”

He seems to relent but doesn’t
look happy about it. “Fine. Jeanine can you see them out?” I’m
carefully lifted so I wrap my arms around Nathan’s neck and hold on
tight as he carries me up the stairs. “You feel so light now.”

I smile and rest my head
against his neck. “Sorry about the mess.”

“
Don’t, it’s
not your fault.”

A yawn tears its way up my
throat. Nathan places me on the closed toilet, in the bathroom that
I use, and crouches down beside the bath. The room fills with steam
as the tap pours hot water into the large tub.

“
Are you
okay?” Nathan asks me for the twentieth time since I gave birth.
“That looked like it hurt.”

I give him a look, my eyes
heavy with exhaustion. “It did.”

“
We’ll be
quick, I fear Jeanine may kidnap our son.” He laughs.

Our? “Our?”

“
What?” He
looks at me over his shoulder, his eyes tired and full of
emotion.

I blink and ask warily, “You
said our.”

“
What are you
talking about?” He looks completely oblivious. Maybe he didn’t mean
to say it.

“
You said,
our son.”

“
No I
didn’t,” he frowns and shakes his head. “I said your
son.”

“
I heard
you…”

“
You’re
tired,” he points out. “Don’t put words in my mouth. I know he’s
not mine and now isn’t the time to argue about this.”

Maybe he’s right. I probably
misheard him. Sigh. “Sorry.”

“
That’s
okay,” he stands before me and slowly begins to slide the gown off
my shoulders. “It’s warm enough now.”

I give him a pointed look and
with my hand, I point to the door.

“
I’m not
leaving you right now, I’ve just seen you naked.”

Scowl. “This is different.”

“
No it isn’t,
I’m not leaving this room. I refuse.”

“
Please?” The
pleading in my tone causes him to relent.

He sighs, nods and takes a step
back, “Fine, but I’ll be sat out here. Okay?”

I thank him and carefully step
into the bath once he’s gone. The water stings my core but it also
feels amazing.

I’ve just had a baby.

I’ve just had Caleb’s baby.

Emotions overwhelm me, emotions
I should have felt the moment my child was placed in my arms.
Sorrow, loss, pain, frustration, anger. So many emotions. Too tired
to sift through them properly.

I bring my knees to my chest,
happy that I can finally do this for the first time in months and
cry into the top of them. Tears spill and mix with the dampness on
my cheeks, sobs tear through me, quiet ones. I want to scream, I
want to shout but I don’t.

My body feels empty and I don’t
just mean the sudden lack of baby. I mean all over. There’s love
there, an instant bond I formed with my son on first glimpse, but
that hole that Caleb left behind only seems to have stretched
further.

There’s a light tapping on the
door, “Are you okay in there?”

“
Yes,” I lie,
I’m not okay. I’ll never be okay again.

Quickly and thoroughly I scrub
myself down, hating the way the water turns pink. I climb out and
dry my body carefully. I then wrap a towel around myself after
placing a pad in a pair of my lady boxers and tugging them on.

Nathan, hearing me move around,
opens the door and steps inside, “All set?”

I nod and stretch my body, “I
feel so much lighter.”

“
He’s a big
baby, I’m not surprised,” Nathan stares at me with a fondness in
his eyes that I’ve never seen coming from him. “I know women give
birth to babies every day, but I want you to know that right now,
I’m in complete awe of you.”

“
I’m in
complete awe of myself,” I choke and rub a hand across my aching
breasts. Ouch.

“
Here,”
Nathan hands me a nursing bra with nipple pads already attached. I
notice he hasn’t got his gloves on. How odd. I don’t bring
attention to this fact though as I don’t want to make him aware of
it, just in case he’s not already.

“
I’m
disturbed by how comfortable you feel handling my underwear,” I
take it from him and motion for him to turn around.

After a few moments I hear the
sound of my son squawking, my boobs tingle. “Well that’s new.”

“
What
is?”

I shake my head, my cheeks
flushing with colour, “Nothing.” Just the fact my breasts seem to
know that my child is hungry.

Jeanine is sat in the armchair
by the window, my son in her arms clothed in a lemon coloured all
in one and a little yellow hat with matching mittens. I pad over to
the couch and curl my legs to the side.

Shock overcomes me for a moment
when Nathan, with a bright smile on his face, takes the whittling
baby from Jeanine with his bare hands and holds him up before him.
One hand behind his head and shoulders and the other under his
round bottom.

I take a sneaky picture on my
phone, I can’t resist.

He brings him over to me and
places him on my chest.

“
I’ll put the
kettle on, I hope you don’t mind if I stay the night, I doubt I’ll
be able to get back on my old legs,” Jeanine says and smoothes down
her trousers.

“
Not at all,”
Nathan doesn’t take his eyes from us. “Thank you Jeanine. I don’t
think I could have handled it without your help.”

“
Sweet boy,”
she chuckles and gives me a wink as she passes. “I think he’s
hungry again.” She means the baby.