Broken (Broken #1) (44 page)

She’d be right. I look down at
my son and smile at his attempt to find milk in my collarbone.
“He’s going to give me a love bite if he doesn’t stop.”

Nathan sits beside us, his arm
rests along the back of the couch and his fingers tease my hair.
Tilting my head back slightly I relish the feel of Nathan’s gentle
fingers soothing me as my son sucks the life out of my breast.

“
He needs a
name,” I scrunch up my face as I think. “I’m drawing a
blank.”

“
As long as
it’s not something hideous.” He leans his head back and closes his
eyes for a minute or so. “George?”

“
No.”

“
Travis?”

“
No.”

“
Dillan,” he
gives a small shrug when he sees my look of disbelief. “I like
Dillan.”

“
Dillan,” I
test the name out a few times. “I like it.” Yes. Dillan. I love it.
“Dillan is great.”

Nathan’s smile blinds me, if I
weren’t so tired I’d smile back. “Really?”

“
Yeah, Dillan
is perfect.” I yawn, it’s loud and unattractive. “Thank you. For
keeping cool today and for being my rock.”

He doesn’t say anything but we
share a look of mutual respect.

After burping my son I pass him
back to Nathan who seems eager to take him. As much as I want to
hold my child, I daren’t do it for a second longer as my eyes won’t
remain open.

Chapter
Twenty One

This whole parenting thing is
hard. I don’t remember much after falling asleep on the couch, all
I know is I’m now in bed and this is the third time I’ve gotten up
to tend to Dillan.

Dillan. The name suits him so
well.

I look over at his Moses basket
that rests on a stand about two feet from the bed. Nathan must have
brought it in here, obviously not feeling comfortable being so far
from his nephew.

Standing slowly, I bend over
the basket and collect my son with both hands. He stretches in that
cute way that only babies can stretch and lets out a little yelp.
Not happy being moved. Grumpy boy.

Carefully I climb back into bed
and prop the pillows up behind me, Nathan who is asleep to my
right, instantly rolls back into me and wraps his arm around my
middle.

His bare hand grabs at my flesh
as if scared I’ll move again.

As much as I want to be angry
at his assumption that I want to share a bed with him, I can’t
because his assumption is true. I don’t want to be alone right
now.

Actually… he probably doesn’t
care if I want him here or not. This is him telling me he wants in
my bed so he’ll get in my bed.

Still, I can’t force myself to
be angry.

When Dillan has finished his
feed I lay him on the bed between myself and Nathan and roll onto
my side. My face is level with Nathan’s, he looks so peaceful
whilst sleeping. He really has been my rock.

I’ll never be able to repay him
for all he’s done for me.

Leaning forward slightly, I
press my lips to the corner of his mouth. His eyes open immediately
and his lips part. He looks at me curiously for a moment, as if
trying to work out my intentions.

Then his hand comes up and
rests on my cheek, I hear him inhale a shuddering breath as his
thumb swipes over my lower lip. Something between us connects,
clicks, falls into place. Without removing his gaze from my eyes,
he leans forward and runs the tip of his nose along the bridge of
mine.

His hand strokes my cheek and
neck before his thumb rubs a circle on my pulse. He looks at me
like he can’t believe I’m real. I look at him and try to tell him
how grateful I am with my eyes. How much he’s worth and how much he
deserves to be happy.

“
Go to sleep,
Gwen,” he whispers, his breath minty and sweet.

My son is lifted to his chest.
He cradles Dillan softly and presses his lips to his wrinkled
forehead. Dillan lets out a squawk when Nathan places him in his
bed, tucks him in tight and climbs over me to get back to his
side.

I turn towards him, something
I’ve never done before and wrap my arm around his bare chest. He
squeezes me tight and lets out a sigh of contentment.

I don’t wake up again until
eight the next morning and both my son and Nathan have vanished,
only to be found wandering around on the ground floor having a one
sided conversation that I can’t hear.

Looking at them together,
looking at Nathan with Dillan, I can’t help but be relieved and
admit that my fears are gone. Caleb might not be here, but right
now, we’re not alone.

******

“
Can I ask
you something?” I say quietly after walking into the nursery and
watching Nathan with Dillan to his chest. His gloves are off and
Dillan is drooling on Nathan’s skin. Yet I’ve never seen Nathan
look so content. It’s been eating at me for a couple of days now,
since Dillan was born. Nathan has an issue with germs but recently,
he’s been wearing his gloves less and less.

Nathan blinks up at me, seeming
to slowly come out of a daze, “What’s wrong?” The chair on which he
sits continues rocking slowly. His ankle is resting on the top of
his other leg, which gently pushes the chair back and forth.

I walk over to him and sit on
the padded arm, looking down at them both, my heart singing with
happiness at the sight. As much as it hurts that Caleb can’t be
here for this, I’m glad to see that my grief hasn’t fully gone to
waste. Seeing Nathan look so peaceful and happy fills that hole in
my chest a small amount. Enough to make the days go by easier.

“
You rarely
wear your gloves anymore,” I whisper, my fingers stroking the back
of his longish hair. He leans back and closes his eyes, as if
seeking out my touch. “I’ve been wondering whether to mention it or
not. I’ve been worried I’ll trigger the need or
something.”

His irises peak from between
hooded lids. “I don’t know why.” A small smile touches his lips, I
want to trace it with my thumb but I don’t. “When you had him, I
got covered in more fluids than I care to admit.” Snort. That’s
true. I cringe a little. “I think the panic overrode my fears at
the time because I found it didn’t bother me. I was too worried
about you.” His hand leaves Dillan’s back and rests on my thigh.
“Before he was born I was worried I’d run from the nappies, vomit
and snotty events that will likely happen in the future. But seeing
him born,” his closed lip smile widens, his lips part showing his
shiny white teeth as his eyes gaze upon my son. “I’ve never
witnessed anything so disgusting.” My mouth drops open, I feign
offence. He chuckles and continues, “Or amazing in my entire life.
Nothing he can produce bothers me.” His eyes come back to mine, my
breath fails. “Or you. I don’t know if it’s because we’ve spent so
much time together or because I’ve already been covered in your
bodily fluids.” Nice way of putting it. A soft look comes over his
eyes and once again I’m shown a flash of vulnerability that makes
Nathan seem so much younger than he is. “I don’t mind touching you
anymore. In fact… I’ve come to enjoy the contact.”

My eyes burn knowing that in
some small way I’ve helped him along with the healing process. Even
if it only applies to me and Dillan, I’m glad to have helped in
some way. “You’re an amazing person, Nathan.”

His tongue comes out to tease
his lower lip, his eyes go back to the window where they were
looking when I first walked in. “I’ll never intentionally hurt you.
You know that right?”

Well that’s a random
conversation flip. “I know.” And I do know. I trust him more than
anyone else.

The mysteriousness of this new
conversation doesn’t end. “I make a lot of mistakes when I’m mad. I
didn’t…” He pauses, thinking on his words for a moment. “I didn’t
have the best upbringing. That’s not to say I want you to feel
obligated to me in any way. I just want you to know that I’m not
used to being this close to somebody. Even Caleb. I’ve always been
secluded,” he laughs coolly, his lips a thin line. “I don’t even
have any friends.”

“
I’m your
friend.”

“
Yes,” his
eyes become distant for a moment. “You are. But just know that
whatever I do, if it hurts you, it’s not intentional. I just don’t
know how to do this.”

“
What are you
talking about?” Why do I get the feeling like he’s warning me for
something that has yet to come?

“
Nothing, I’m
just pointing out a major flaw in my personality.” He sighs long
and deep, the lines around his eyes showing how many concerns he
has on his mind.

I don’t say anything, I’m not
sure what to say. Instead I slide onto his lap, mindful of the baby
on his chest and rest my head against his neck. He presses his lips
to my hair and strokes my arm with his free hand.

******

“
Oh my god,
look at him!” My mum sniffs and cradles Dillan to her
bosom.

Nathan keeps his eyes on his
newspaper but the way he spreads it out is slightly more aggressive
than usual, his arms jerk to flick it in the air, stopping it from
bending. He really doesn’t like my mum and she’s only been here an
hour.

“
And look at
you, I wish my body got back to normal that fast,” she gives me a
pout whilst eyeing me up and down. Her gaze is nothing but friendly
though so I don’t mind it. “And I love the name. Dillan suits
him.”

“
Nathan
picked it,” I blurt, feeling the need to give him the credit he
deserves. “His middle name is Caleb.” I picked that for obvious
reasons.

“
Beautiful,”
she beams and places her finger in Dillan’s hand. He squeezes it,
his eyes now open and unfocused. I’m eager to see whose colour eyes
he gets. “I’m so proud of you.” She looks at Nathan. “And you, for
stepping up when it wasn’t your job to. Your parents must be
proud.”

Nathan seems shocked by her
words and his demeanour towards my mum softens after this.

I’m exhausted, I haven’t slept
for three weeks since Dillan was born. I find napping when the baby
naps is the best way to stop myself from crashing during the day.
My mum is also here for a few days which is great. She’s going to
teach me how to express milk. I can’t for the life of me figure out
how to use the breast pump comfortably.

I had this image in my head of
being milked like a cow and having it squirt out in one flow,
enough to fill at least six bottles. That’s not the case at all.
Some days I produce more milk than others and mostly I can only
produce and ounce or two.

At least I’m getting the hang
of it now. I can freeze it too which is even better.

Nathan has to leave soon, his
store should be opening in a couple of months. He has a lot to get
through to finalise it, the problem is; I think he’s having trouble
leaving us.

Things have been a little bit
tense with him lately. Not with us but with something he won’t
discuss with me. Almost every single morning for the past few weeks
there has been a package on the doorstep. I’m not sure what it is
but I know it’s causing Nathan stress. I’ve asked him about it but
he only tells me to mind my own business. Not in the mean way he
used to but the stern tone is still there so I daren’t ask
again.

I’m worried about him.

Part of me wonders if he’s
being blackmailed. What with everything going on with his father.
I’m not sure what’s going on with that either, all I know is that
he has court soon. Nathan won’t tell me anything about anything. In
his mind he’s protecting me from unnecessary stresses. He doesn’t
understand that if it’s upsetting him, then to me it is a necessary
stress.

I almost got my hands on a
package five days ago but he took it and made a few calls. Since
then there hasn’t been another. I know that whatever it is,
somebody wants me to see it. Or at least that’s my theory. My
curious nature drives me around the bend, I wish I could push it
out of my mind but I can’t. What is it that has Nathan so uptight
at the moment and why won’t he confide in me?

What does he have to hide?

My mum is here though so I have
to get over it for now. It’s been a while since I saw her and
honestly… I’ve missed her. She’s asked me how everything is and
I’ve told her all is well with me and Nathan. I know she doesn’t
approve of our current situation but she can’t say anything.

As long as I’m happy and Dillan
is happy, that’s all that matters.

Nathan won’t even let me sleep
alone, to say he’s become clingy would be an understatement. The
problem is, I don’t want to sleep alone and I like having him hold
me as I sleep every night.

I’m extremely pleased to see
that Nathan still doesn’t have any issues with, Dillan and I where
his bare hands are concerned. Dillan’s potential germs don’t seem
to bother him at all. He’s been amazing, if Dillan needs changing,
he’ll just get up and do it. Of course I do it as much as he, but I
never even have to ask.

Not that I would, mind you.
Dillan is my responsibility but it’s nice having the help.

Things are changing around here
and I’m not sure how or why. I’m not totally convinced that I don’t
like the changes either.

“
Can I have a
word?” Nathan asks me and nods towards the archway.

I agree and kiss my sweet baby
boy’s head, leaving him with my mum.

“
What’s
wrong?” My hands rub up and down my arms as I lean against the
kitchen wall.

He scrapes his teeth along his
lower lip, “I really don’t want to go but I have to. My court
hearing is soon, then I’ve got the store and I really need this
sponsor.”

Why does he look like I’m going
to get angry? “I know. I understand.”