Cowboy Desires: The Complete Collection (8 page)

I can barely breathe when I think about losing you. Please give me a chance to show you that I can give you what you need.

Well, I don’t want to bug you anymore tonight. I hope you have a great night, baby. Wish I was there with my arms around you. I love you a million times more than you could ever imagine.

I did remember everything he was talking about. I still had everything he had ever given me in a box in my closet. I couldn’t count the number of times I had pulled them out to comfort myself after he left. I had some of his shirts and I cried for hours the day I realized that his smell was completely gone from them. I had longed for him nearly every single day, whether I wanted to admit it to myself or not.

I read Austin’s next, and was met with just as much angst.

Jamie, I’m so sorry I acted like less than a gentleman this afternoon. I should never have let my temper get the best of me, especially in front of you. He just makes me so damn mad because he thinks he owns you even after all he did.

Baby, I’m here in my bed, and it still smells like you. I hope that someday I can get you to come back here and let me hold you. You deserve to be happy and feel loved.

I guess you’re not gonna answer me tonight, and that’s ok. I am thinking of you constantly and hoping to hear from you soon. You’re a special girl, and I’ll never stop trying to win your heart.

They had both kept their promises of staying in touch and trying to prove themselves to me. I decided to send them each a simple good night text and leave it at that. I couldn’t trust myself to not write very emotional messages that I would regret in the morning. I turned my phone off and drifted off to sleep while watching a movie.

I woke with a start and it was still dark out. I was covered in sweat and out of breath. The nightmare was too much for me to handle, and I wished I wasn’t alone. I was back in that hospital bed, losing her all over again. I was curled up in a ball, feeling every pain and wishing so much that it would stop. Mason was standing there, paler than I had ever seen him. He was crying silently, but he wasn’t trying to comfort me. He was just sitting there while she was slipping away. But in the nightmare, she was born full-term, and I got to see her face. She wasn’t breathing, and I was screaming, begging someone to help. But no one came. No one helped. Mason looked at both of us and walked out of the room.

The dream had been too real, and I couldn’t process what I had seen. I was shaking so badly and crying so hard. I didn’t want to be alone. I picked up my phone and sent a text.

Please come. I’m scared. I can’t be alone.

I set my phone back on the nightstand and curled into a ball. I was taking deep breaths and trying to calm down, but I couldn’t stop seeing her face. She was supposed to be mine. I should have never lost my beautiful baby girl. She would be a toddler by now, running around my house. I would have picked the perfect name for her and loved her more than anything else. But I never got the chance.

It seemed like hours before I heard someone coming up the stairs to my room. I didn’t turn over to look, but I felt familiar arms around me.

“It’s okay, baby. What happened? Are you hurt? You’re freezing and shaking.”

This same voice had comforted me so many times before. Even though he had brought me the most hurt, he was all I wanted in this moment. He was the only one who could even begin to understand the immense loss I was feeling.

“The dream was so real. I was back in the hospital, and you were there. But you wouldn’t help me. You just stood there and let it happen. I begged for you, but you never budged. Then she was born, and she was a regular baby. But she wasn’t breathing. And no one came. I just held her and screamed and cried. It was so real. I saw her perfect face. I saw our daughter.”

I was sobbing again, and he sat up and pulled me between his legs. His long arms wrapped around me, and he had me resting against his chest, running his fingers through my hair.

“I’m so sorry, baby. It was just a dream, but I know it is all my fault. I would do anything to bring her back. I would give anything to take all of this hurt and grief away from you. I did this to you. You’re having nightmares because I left you both. Even though she wasn’t a full-term baby, she was still our baby. I think about her every day. I have dreams all the time and wake up just like this. I’m sure me showing up and all the drama this afternoon didn’t exactly leave you with a good feeling.”

As he held me, I realized that despite everything that had happened, he was the only one who could help me get through this particular episode. My meds helped, but sometimes even they couldn’t block the memories from coming through. The doctor said I needed to feel the pain to heal, and I let that happen sometimes, but other times, I just wanted to forget. Then I felt guilty for wanting to erase it from my memory.

“I just don’t know how to feel better. I don’t know what to do or what I want. Sometimes I wish I could just turn back time and make it all better. Maybe I could have done something different and everything would have been fine.”

He pulled away from me so he could look at my face, and he looked angry

“Don’t you ever blame yourself again! You were perfect. You did everything right. It just happened. The doctors said it happens all the time. We could try again, you know, and it would be fine.”

I was taken aback by his sudden outburst, and it put me into a stunned silence. Part of me had always believed that he blamed me for the loss and that was why he left. But I saw the determination in his eyes as he tried to convince me that he never blamed me. I also saw the tears that had started to fall again.

And he had just said that he wanted to try again. My mind was completely blown. Would I ever be in a place where I could put my heart out there again like that? I would be terrified every second that something bad was going to happen. Every pregnancy that I had for the rest of my life would be ruined because of my first one.

“I want to be a mother more than anything, but I’m not sure I can set myself up for heartbreak like that. I would be worried about losing the baby and losing you.”

His arms tightened around me again as if he was trying to reassure me.

“I will never leave you again. I want to marry you. I want to be the one you turn to for everything. I will take care of you and anyone else who comes along. You don’t have to worry.”

“I wish it was that easy, Mason. Right now what I need is for you to stay with me. I don’t wanna sleep alone tonight.”

“I’m not going anywhere.”

He got off the bed long enough to take off his boots and jeans. As he slid back into bed next to me in just his t-shirt and boxers, I couldn’t help but feel butterflies from his touch. Every inch of his body seemed to mold perfectly to mine as he curled around me, pulling me so close to him that there was nothing between us but a thin layer of clothes.

I could feel him start to get aroused, and it was pressing against my backside. I closed my eyes, forcing myself to think about something else, but it wasn’t working. My body responded immediately to him, and my hips had a mind of their own as they pushed back against him. His arm tightened around me, pulling me closer against his erection.

There were no words to be said in that moment. We both knew what we needed to ease the pain, even if we would have to face serious consequences in the morning. The attraction between us was undeniable, and as much as my mind tried to fight it, my body and my heart wouldn’t let it go.

Mason’s hand reached under my tank top and slid slowly up my round stomach. I didn’t flinch with him because he knew every curve of my ample body. He had loved and worshipped me in every way, telling me how beautiful I was every chance he got. When his hand reached higher, he closed it around one of my full breasts, kneading it gently. Taking my nipple between his thumb and forefinger, he pulled it gently, and a moan escaped from my mouth. I pushed my ass into him, desperate to get what I needed.

This wasn’t a time for drawn out foreplay. The only way to make this better was to have him inside of me, healing the night’s wounds and making it easier to breathe.

I pulled away slightly, just enough to reach my hand down into his boxers. I took his throbbing member in my hand and rubbed up and down, concentrating on the head. He gasped at the sudden contact but didn’t try to pull away. Instead he shoved his hands down the front of my shorts and let his fingers rub feverish circles through my wetness.

Unable to wait, I got up quickly and pulled off my shorts. I pulled his boxer shorts down, practically ripping them in the process. I leaned forward and kissed him hungrily while I positioned his tip at my soaked opening. Without warning, I slid myself all the way down on him, taking every inch inside of me.

His hands were on my ass, and our eyes were locked as I rode him hard. I didn’t want to make love. I needed to fuck him and work out all of the anger and sadness that was consuming me. My breasts were bouncing all over as I moved fast on him.

I could tell from the look on his face that he needed this as much as I did. We were both in a frenzy, trying to reach a common goal. I placed both my hands on my tits, pinching my nipples. When I brought a large, pink nipple to my mouth and licked it, I thought he would come undone. He held my hips in place while he drove his entire length deep inside of me.

I was crying out and moaning so loud that I wouldn’t be surprised if the neighbors could hear. Without warning, I exploded with orgasm while he continued to plunge into me. He wasn’t far behind, and he held my hips tight enough to leave bruises when his release came. I laid myself on his chest, trying to catch my breath.

“You’re beautiful.”

He leaned down and kissed the top of my head as his fingers ran up and down my back. I knew what we had just done hadn’t solved anything, but it had made me feel better for now.

“You are exactly what I needed tonight.”

I rolled off of him and lay my head on his chest. I was exhausted from a night of overwhelming emotions, and it wasn’t long before I drifted off to sleep.

When I woke up, I was alone in my bed. I was dressed in only my tank top, and the sheet was draped over my ass. I was a little bit sore and feeling the effects of the hard romp I had shared with Mason just a few hours earlier. I was a little disappointed that he wasn’t next to me, but I also knew that no promises had been made. I still hadn’t told him we could get back together.

I forced myself to get up because I really needed to pee. When I got the bathroom, there was a note sitting on the sink.

I had to run out to work. I didn’t want to wake you because you looked so damn beautiful and peaceful. A far cry from when I got here last night. I hope you slept well in my arms, my gorgeous girl. I hope you always call me when you need to be held. I will never let you down again. I love you so much.

I whispered that I loved him too into the air and held the sweet note against my chest. He was winning my heart back piece by piece. But it was going to take more than just a couple of days. I did my business and got into the shower.

I noticed tiny fingerprint-shaped bruises on each of my hips when I was rubbing the washcloth over my body. I took extra long in the shower, letting the hot water soothe me. I needed all the help I could get to relax.

I got out of the shower and got dressed quickly in a pair of cropped jeans and a blue tank top. I put my hair in a side bun and added a little mascara and lip-gloss. When I headed downstairs, I grabbed some orange juice and a bowl of cereal.

I went into the small spare bedroom that I called an office and settled in at the desk. I turned on my iPod and opened my laptop, preparing to write some more erotic stories for my latest client. Luckily I had plenty of new material to draw from.

My stories had to be very dirty, so I left all of the mushy romance crap out of them. Thinking strictly dirty thoughts made my day a lot easier. I wrote a quick one about sex in a boat on a lake. That one was easy after my time with Austin. Then I wrote one about sex with Mason, changing his name.

Before I knew it, it was afternoon and time for lunch. Since it was a nice day, I made a sandwich and took it out on the side porch with a glass of lemonade. I stayed in the shade to avoid getting sweaty from the hot sun. Working from home certainly had its benefits. I flipped through a magazine as I enjoyed my food, settling on an article about how to have a better sex life. Of course, it seemed I didn’t really need advice about that. Maybe I should write some articles and submit them for publication. I bet some other women would enjoy hearing about my sex life.

After about 30 minutes, I got up to go inside. I put my hand on the doorknob just as an unfamiliar van pulled into the driveway. A man wearing a polo shirt and matching hat got out.

“Hello, ma’am. Are you Jamie?”

“Yes, I am.”

I looked at him curiously since I didn’t recognize him or the van.

“I have a delivery for you in the van from Austin. Will you sign for it?”

“Of course. Thank you.”

He handed me a digital notebook to sign and initial for the package after he grabbed it from the van. It was a small box that wasn’t very heavy. I thanked the delivery guy, and he was on his way.

I took the box inside to open it in private. I already knew it was from Austin, but I had no idea what it was. Whatever it was had white paper around it. There was a card on top, so I opened that first.