Cowboy Desires: The Complete Collection (9 page)

My beautiful Jamie, Last night was already too long without you. I know you need time, and I don’t want to take the chance of losing you by not respecting your wishes. So instead of stopping by, I thought I’d send you something to show you what you mean to me. You are the best thing that has come into my life in a long time. I know you have a past with Mason, but I think you have a future with me. I’m here if you need me, and I will always be thinking of you. Love, Austin

I reached in and took out the wrapped package. It was a box that was very light. I opened the box and inside was a beautiful silver necklace with a charm on it that said, “Love.” It was simple and perfect for me. I immediately took it out and slid it onto my neck, closing the clasp to secure it. I needed all the help I could get in the love department.

I sent him a quick text to let him know that I loved the gift and that I was thinking of him too. It would have been a perfect situation if Mason hadn’t come back.

I went back to my office and worked for the rest of the afternoon, writing four more stories and submitting them for payment. Since I had met my quota for the day, I decided to go out to the store and get some groceries. I had to drive to the next town over since my small town didn’t have a big store. We just had convenience stores.

I threw on a pair of flip-flops and got in my car. It wasn’t too unbearably hot, so I rolled down the windows and opened the sunroof, letting the air blow through the car. I turned my iPod on and immediately went to one of my country playlists. There was nothing I loved more than a rugged country boy who could sing.

It took me about 10 minutes to get out of town and into the next. Herkimer was a little busier because they had all of the popular stores and more people lived there. But it was still considered the country. If you drove five minutes in any direction out of the city, you would be surrounded by fields and farms. The nearest mall was 45 minutes away. It was good enough for me, though. I’d rather live here where I knew almost everyone.

I pulled into the parking lot of the store and parked toward the back. I figured my fat ass could use the exercise. On my way in, I grabbed a cart. A half hour later, I was done and packing up the car. I decided I deserved some ice cream as a reward, so I went through the drive-thru at McDonald’s then headed to the park by the canal to enjoy it.

I parked and got out to sit on a bench under a tree to watch the boats go by. There were children walking with their parents along the path and several different groups of men fishing. There were also people jogging and riding bikes, while others were just there enjoying the afternoon like me.

I was just relaxing when I noticed what looked like Austin’s truck parked nearby. When I looked closer, I noticed it was empty. I started to look around, squinting because I hadn’t brought my glasses. That’s when my eyes rested on him sitting at a picnic table with a familiar face. A little boy was playing in the grass in front of them.

I didn’t want him to see me, so I found a spot behind a tree where I could get a better look. It was Andrea with him. Austin had his cowboy hat on and was dressed in jeans and work boots as if he had just been at a work site. And the little boy must have been Jackson. Maybe they were just spending some time with him together. He was adorable and seemed content to just sit in the grass and play with a truck. The resemblance to his father was striking.

Immediately my heart started to ache a little at the thought that they were able to have a healthy little boy, and I was a mother with no child. Andrea and Austin seemed to be locked in a serious conversation. They were focused mostly on each other, and I could see their lips moving. I wanted so badly to hear what they were saying, but there was no way I could do that without getting too close. I would be mortified if he caught me spying on him.

They got up to leave a few minutes later, and he picked Jackson up off the ground, twirling him in the air. The little boy was obviously enamored with his father, and Austin was a natural. Would he be the man to finally give me the child I desperately wanted?

He carried Jackson to another car nearby, which must have belonged to Andrea. He placed the little boy in his car seat and fastened him in. Then he went to the driver’s side and opened the door for Andrea. I thought he was just being a gentleman, but then I got a big shock.

Andrea reached up and touched his face. Then she kissed him hard on the lips. His hands went to her hips, and the kiss went on for a few seconds. He spun around so his back was to me, so I couldn’t see what happened next, but she was backing out of the parking space.

The scene I had witnessed left a bad taste in my mouth. I knew I was seeing two men, but he had lied and said he wasn’t with Andrea anymore. He insisted that they were done for good. Why would I choose to be with a man who was already lying to me? What else was he lying about? At least I was being up front about my situation now.

I watched him get in his truck and start it up. About a minute later, my phone indicated that I had a text.

Been thinking about you all day. Please say you’ll see me soon. I miss you…

Wow, he had the nerve to text me right after kissing her! How could a man who claimed to be such a great guy who loved to take care of women and respect them be so awful? I didn’t bother responding to his text. I knew if I did that it would not be very nice. I needed some time to cool off before I said something I would regret.

Was his situation really so different from mine? He seemed to be struggling with letting go of someone he shared a past and a child with. I could understand that. But why couldn’t he just be honest with me about it? It wasn’t fair to either of us to get emotionally involved with each other if our hearts still belonged to other people.

I was afraid it was too late for that already. He had grown on me after saving me from myself. I already thought about him all the time. Even with Mason back in the picture, Austin still managed to make a place for himself. I wasn’t ready to give up on him yet.

Snapping myself out of it, I got back into my car and headed for home. On the way, I stopped in at the store to see Erin. She was busy chatting with everyone who came in. She was great at her job, and even though some people looked down on it, I admired her for how hard she worked. She had worked her way up to assistant manager in a little less than a year. When a few customers left, she finally noticed me.

“Jamie! How are you feeling today, hon? Any better?”

“I’m okay. Still sorting through a lot of shit in my head, but you know me. I’ll figure it out. How are you?”

“I’m pretty good. Same shit. Hey, why don’t you come out to darts with us tomorrow night? You need some fun, and we’re playing at the bar by the lake. I won’t take no for an answer.”

I hadn’t been out with her in a while, so it probably would be fun. I needed all the help I could get when it came to letting loose.

“Okay, you talked me into it. Text me tonight or tomorrow morning with the details. I’m gonna go do more work. Lots of deadlines coming up!”

“Oh to have your job, you dirty girl! Go write some really nasty stuff!”

She yelled that a little too loud, so I took that as my cue to duck out the door without a big scene. I loved my sister, but she certainly knew how to embarrass me. I didn’t need the whole town knowing that I made my money by writing sex stories! They all knew I was a freelance writer, but I didn’t make a habit of telling people about the content. It wouldn’t be good, especially since I was a substitute teacher in the local school district during the year. If those teenage boys heard about it, I would constantly get harassed.

When I got home, I grabbed the mail from my mailbox and headed inside. I left the big door open so the summer afternoon breeze could blow through my house. I noticed my flowers needed some serious water since it had been relatively dry lately, so I grabbed my watering can and headed out on the porch. I gave each of my colorful plants a nice shower, admiring them and talking to them as I walked by. I figured it never hurt anyone or anything to get a little extra love and encouragement. God knows I could use all the help I could get.

I ordered in some Chinese for dinner and poured myself a big glass of soda to go with it. I sat with my idea notebook and brainstormed about some new topics for stories. Sometimes it was hard to come up with things that I thought the readers would be into. I always kept the book of ideas to keep everything interesting. I never wanted to have a block so bad that I couldn’t do my job.

After an hour or so and plenty of new story leads, I headed back in the house. It was after 7:00, and the sun was starting to set. I realized I had never opened the mail, so I grabbed it on my way to the couch. After I found a crappy summer reality show, I sorted through it.

There were a couple of bills, so I set them aside. There was a credit card offer and a flier for a local car dealership. On the very bottom of the pile, there was a card with no return address.

Intrigued, I turned it over and ripped open the back. What I found inside was a big surprise.

The outside of the card said, “Thinking of You.” There were pretty, simple flowers all over the front. I opened it, and a piece of paper and a picture slipped out.

The picture was of me at about three months pregnant when I was just beginning to show. I looked so happy. I remembered the day Mason had taken that picture. We were getting ready to tell everyone about the baby that week. It was still our secret, and we were more in love than ever. It was the only picture that was ever taken of me when I was pregnant. She was gone a few days later, and so was he.

The tears were streaming down my face. I had never seen this picture, and it brought everything back full force. How different my life could have been if she just could have stayed.

After wiping away some of the tears so I could see again, I looked at the paper that had fallen out of the card. It was an official certificate from the National Star Registry. There was a star named after Baby Girl Phillips. What a beautiful thing to do.

Through a fresh batch of tears, I read the card.

Though I haven’t been there

And you may feel alone

Even when I’m far away

You are my forever home.

Love always and forever,

Mason

Had I ever really known this man at all? The Mason that I had been with did not show emotion. He never showed up with flowers or sent cards. I had to drag his feelings out of him. Now he was doing everything to make me see that he had changed. I was starting to believe him, but the wall around my heart was not willing to crumble just like that.

I picked up my phone and dialed his number. He answered on the first ring.

“Hey, babe.”

“Oh, Mason. I just got your card.”

My voice broke immediately even though I was trying desperately to control my emotions.

“I hope you liked it. I carried that picture with me every day that we were apart. You look the most beautiful and happy that I have ever seen you there. It got me through so many nights when I thought about ending it all.”

“I remember when you took it. I remember how in love with you I was and how I couldn’t wait for our future. If only I could go back and change it.”

“I know, baby. I know. But we can’t change the past. We can only look to the future and work on making up for lost time. I know what I want. I just need you on board.”

“I’m still not ready. But I love the star. What a perfect way to remember her. Especially since no one knows she ever even existed. My sweet baby girl who never had a chance.”

At that point my voice broke, and I couldn’t even speak. He sat on the other end of the line speaking soothing words about how much he loved us both to soothe me. When I finally settled down, it was time to end the call.

“I will wait for you. I said it, and I meant it. I will wait until you figure out that Austin will never be what you need. I love you.”

“I love you, too. And thank you.”

“You’re welcome, baby. I’m here if you need me. Always.”

I hung up the phone and spent more time alone with the picture. Mason had given me a true gift and I would always cherish it. I wasn’t sure that I would have been able to look at it before now. I planned on taking it to my next therapy appointment later in the week to talk about it.

Since it was getting late, I headed to bed. The next day, I did much of the same. Writing along with some sun bathing in the back yard. Around noon, I got a text from Austin.

Is everything ok? I never heard back from you yesterday.

Yes, I’m ok. I was just busy with work. I will see you soon. <3

Okay. I miss you so much, pretty girl.

That one tugged at my heart a bit. I missed him, too. I knew I needed to give him a chance to explain what I saw. It wasn’t fair of me to hold something against him when I didn’t know the whole story.

Erin called around 4:00 to let me know that I needed to be ready at 7:00. I put on a pair of jeans, flip flops, and a flowy, one-shoulder tank top. I let my hair flow loose and wild and wore small hoop earrings.

Dan’s big, loud truck pulled in at a little after 7:00, and I climbed into the back seat. He was blasting his favorite country music and singing along as loud as he could. He was the perfect match for Erin, and I often envied their relationship. The two of them had been the ones to drag me out of the house and help bring me back to the land of the living. I owed them big time.