Dear Playboy Advisor: Questions From Men and Women to the Advice Column of Playboy Magazine (62 page)

You should have let a foot fetishist answer the question. Don’t bother with oil or lotion. Instead, use a hot towel. This will help if the woman is concerned about odor. When the towel has cooled, set it aside and continue the massage with your hands but finish with your mouth and tongue. Light nibbling and licking on the soles and between her toes will drive her crazy. Take three, four or five toes in your mouth and lick between and around rapidly. This technique will help any guy get laid.—H.G., Greenville, South Carolina

Sure, if she can get you to stop.

Brushes with greatness

One of the things I love to do with my girlfriend is to use paintbrushes on her back, neck, legs and genitals. I use a variety of sizes—small for delicate areas and larger ones on her back. Last spring I bought a vibrator. I was doing my routine with the brushes and decided to hold them against the vibrator, using both to massage her. The result was a long night with a very aroused girlfriend. Have you heard of this combination?—J.W., Auburn, Alabama

It’s new to us. You couldn’t have chosen a better canvas.

The art of sex

I am working on a class project on sex as art. The women I’ve interviewed have shown incredible interest, and one suggested we paint our bodies different colors, then have sex on a giant sheet of paper to display with the assignment. I thought this was an excellent idea, especially because she’s gorgeous. Where can I find paints that dry slowly and that won’t irritate tender body parts? We’ve chosen the colors already: purple and yellow.—M.B., Indianapolis, Indiana

We are curious—yellow? That may not be bright enough to reflect the meditative luminosity of the figurative curve. Purple we like. We don’t have much experience touching up anything in the bedroom besides the trim, so we asked Rob Blaine of MessyFun.com for his input. Blaine, who dumps buckets of paint and other liquids on naked women for fetish videos, says: “I use standard latex (water-based) indoor house paint which I cut with dishwashing detergent to help with cleanup. Eight gallons on three women doesn’t get a chance to dry, and the time the girls are covered is kept to a minimum. I wouldn’t recommend sex in latex paint; instead I would use nontoxic finger paints. You can buy them by the case through a school supply or art supply house.” We’d love to see a copy of your work when it’s finished—sign it with whatever’s handy.

How to write a dirty story

My wife is reading Susie Bright’s
Best American Erotica
and I thought it would be fun to surprise her with a personal story. I’m not much of a writer. I know a few friends who could help, but I don’t want to share secrets about what turns my wife on. Can I hire someone to write a sexy story that contains personal details?—S.C., Boulder, Colorado

Don’t be too quick to discount the do-it-yourself approach. You know your wife better than anyone. She’ll be touched, if not turned on, and she won’t correct your grammar. If you’d rather go pro, Custom Erotica Source offers one-page quickies for $25 each that might be fun. You fill out a questionnaire to provide the names of characters, a setting, information about the reader, specific turn-ons he or she might have and how explicit you’d like the language and activity. A writer then crafts a fantasy that you can preview and approve before it’s mailed or e-mailed to your wife. You also can order a six-page story for $125 or a 12-page story for $250, put the fantasy on tape for an additional $30, add an illustration for $75 and up, or order custom stories by writers whose work has appeared in
Best American Erotica
and other series. Visit Customeroticasource.com or phone 415-664-6602 for details.

Short strokes, or long?

During intercourse, do women prefer short strokes or long ones? I try to vary my technique, but sometimes my partner says I’m not pushing deep enough, or that I’m pushing too deep. Which way should I go?—H.D., Akron, Ohio

Go the way your partner tells you to go. If there are no verbal signals, pay attention to the nonverbal ones. Don’t make a plan—sometimes shallow is good, sometimes you need to go deep. One Taoist technique calls for the man to repeat a sequence of nine shallow thrusts and one deep. Our advice: Don’t count out loud.

Hankie panky

On a cozy Sunday afternoon a few weekends ago, a girlfriend and I fumbled onto a wonderful sexual technique. I took a hankie and folded it into a triangle. Holding a corner in each hand I slipped the hankie under my scrotum, pulled up the ends and tied them in a knot. The knot was tight enough to cause my testes to jut forward and my penis to become engorged. I tied the loose hankie ends into four more knots. The knots went up toward my belly button. After I slid on top of her, my girlfriend went nuts. The combination of my testes on her anus and the knots rubbing her clitoris gave her an earthshaking orgasm. I too benefited from the experience. Have you heard of this? If so, what’s it called?—H.C., Arlington, Virginia

Ingenuity, man. Ingenuity.

Perfecting the touch

When I finger my girlfriend, she says that I’m too rough. My exes never complained about my touch. When I lighten it, she says it tickles. What can I do?—S.C., Toronto, Ontario

Ask your girlfriend to masturbate for you. Place your hand over hers to get an idea of the pressure she applies and where. She shouldn’t be shy about giving you specific instructions about what turns her on.

Reader suggestions

I invented a way to please myself and my wife at the end of a long day when one or both of us isn’t in the mood to make love. My wife lies on her stomach and I position myself so I can cradle my erection between her butt cheeks, pointed toward her head. As I grind myself to orgasm, I massage her back. We call it back-rub sex. Have you ever heard of this? Does it have an official name?—B.C., Duluth, Minnesota

An official name? Like, from a committee? The scientific name is probably related to
coitus interfermoris
, which is the act of rubbing yourself to orgasm between a woman’s thighs or against her perineum. It also could be related to
coitus à mammilla
(having sex with her breasts),
axillism
(armpit) or
genuphallation
(between the knees) with a dash of
pygophilia
(arousal from fondling, kissing or licking the ass). Like an astronomer who discovers a new star, this position may be yours to christen. May we suggest
coitus à gluteus
?

My girlfriend and I enjoy something similar. She lies on me facing the ceiling. With a good sweat going, we don’t need lubrication, just sliding and grinding. It puts me in a great position to fondle her breasts, ass and clit.—S.C., Dallas, Texas

A reader from Philadelphia tells us the position is known as slip-dogging.

I’ve developed a wonderful new massage technique. I have my girlfriend lie on her back with her knees bent. I slowly slide my right index and middle fingers into her pussy and make a come-hither motion to stimulate her G-spot. I then place the heel of my left hand on her mons and stroke her clitoris. My girlfriend likes to raise and lower her knees while I do this. What do you think?—D.S., Los Angeles, California

Sounds like fun. Isn’t that how they used to churn butter?

I want to share a technique I use to give my lovers intense orgasms. While she is on top and I am inside her, I ask her to move her hips in a circular motion. Then I press my open hand or fist on the area three to four inches above her clitoris. By doing this, the head of my penis makes direct contact with her G-spot, which has given many of my lovers their first ejaculatory climaxes.—M.W., Silver Spring, Maryland

Fixing a squeaky bed

My girlfriend moved into a furnished apartment that has a metal bed. It makes more noise than we do. Do you know how to silence a squeaky bed?—D.E., Des Moines, Iowa

Have your girlfriend finger each nut while you add lube. Then do the same to fix the bed.

Mood lighting

My wife has suggested that we liven things up with new lightbulbs in the bedroom. What color do you suggest?—P.W., Memphis, Tennessee

We’re happy just to have the lights on. In
The Great Sex Weekend
, Pepper Schwartz and Janet Lever tackle this question with Marsha Hunt, a writer and producer for Playboy Home Video. “We always use blue light in our bedroom scenes,” Hunt says. “It creates a mysterious and sensual atmosphere. It gives sufficient light to see, but it’s dim enough to cover flaws. Pink bulbs provide light that is soft, romantic and flattering—it makes most people look much younger—but stick to a 40-watt bulb. Stay away from green—that’s monster movie lighting—and yellow, which makes skin look sallow.” Schwartz and Lever don’t recommend red bulbs because “they make your bedroom look like a brothel.” Considering the wild sex that can go on in whorehouses, red may not be such a bad choice. You’ll find colored bulbs at well-stocked hardware stores.

Riding the dome

Have you ever heard of a “dome ride”? If you have shaved your head, you must give your girlfriend or wife this experience. To prepare, don’t shave your dome for a day or two. If you’re someone like me who suffers from male-pattern bullshit, there will soon be a spot on your crown where you have smooth skin surrounded by slightly rough hair growth. Slide your head between her legs, let her find her spot, tell her to clamp down and start the ride. Not only is this great foreplay, but with a quick turn, your mouth is right where it should be. Finding the best position for the ride might take a few minutes, but that can be hot (and humorous) in itself. As a man who loves to satisfy his woman, it’s incredible to feel her come all over my dome.—G.W., San Francisco, California

You just helped several million balding guys get laid.

LETTERS THAT DIDN’T MAKE THE CUT*

* but not for lack of trying

(1) “Fleas are ruining my life…”

(2) “I’ve had several nervous breakdowns. Obviously I can’t be an astronaut or an airline pilot. But could I be a lawyer?”

(3) “Can a human catch any animal venereal diseases? I own a large dog, and I was on my knees and elbows, naked, searching for a CD, when…”

(4) “Do you know of any movies in which love is portrayed as the main theme but with lots of penis-in-vagina shots?”

(5) “Do you think my gallbladder problems are related to my coffee enemas?”

(6) “Our mother-son relationship has gone to the next level, and now I’m pregnant. How do I tell my husband?”

(7) From a prisoner: “Can you tell me who sells the book
Escape and Evasion
? I’d also like information about GPS systems.”

(8) “You missed the boat with the reader concerned about his wife’s pale areolae. Why not have her areolae tattooed dark brown? Dear Abby would have thought of that.”

(9) “The ghosts of my parents often visit our house. We’re planning to move. Are there any religious procedures that will get them to come to our new house?”

(10) “Although I’m a Christian, here is a list of things I would do if Marie Osmond were here with me…”

(11) “Whenever I cover the head of my penis with purple nail polish, I glue the hole shut so none will go in. I’ve enclosed four photos. Please write back if you would like to know more.”

(12) “I have found the perfect toothbrush. If I buy 200 of them to last me the next 40 years, can you provide storage instructions?”

CONTACTING THE PLAYBOY ADVISOR