Envious (10 page)

“
Why
are you ‘sorry’?” I pulled my arms around myself. It was dark and terribly cold for just a tank top with a sweatshirt over it. Winter was creeping up on us.

Eric began to speak, while staring at the blacktop. “My roommate, Tony, told me… he saw us after the party, and he thought we were… together. He said I was acting like you were my girlfriend and that’s when I realized why you got so mad.”

I pursed my lips in silent defiance. I must have looked like such a bitch, but I didn’t care. He thought he knew me, understood me, because of what his roommate said? His roommate probably didn’t even know my name. Until now, I hadn’t known
his
.

“So tell me then, oh wise one, why was I so mad?” I spat, sarcasm was spewing from my lips with such bitter venom, I was afraid to swallow.

“
Was
isn’t the word,” Eric muttered. Was he mad at
me
?!

“I think I’ve been leading you on, in a way,” he continued. What was he talking about? “I made myself available…”

I laughed out loud. I couldn’t help myself. It was so ridiculous.

“You think I’m needy? That I need someone to fool around with to make me feel desirable? I don’t feel desirable and I
didn’t
fool around with anyone. I didn’t fool around with you.”

“I know, I know, but-”

“But what? Are you disappointed that I don’t want to fool around with you? Does that hurt your ego? Who’s the one who stopped the kiss last time? It was
me.
I stopped it because I don’t want you. I don’t want someone else’s guy no matter how lonely I am. Understood? Good.” I began to walk away.

“Wait!” he called out. I stayed. “I was drunk, and I know that you were drinking too. I didn’t mean to touch you. I shouldn’t have. I took advantage of you. You were in an uncomfortable place. You’re not used to parties or drinking. I should have realized that and not gotten smashed, cuz when I did get smashed, I took advantage of you. You couldn’t say no to whatever it is I asked of you because you were drunk too.”

Breath escaped me. He was sorry for being drunk. He was sorry that he lost control. He lost control? I felt so small, so new. How could there be so much in this world I didn’t understand? He lost control because he drank? He didn’t simply become free and happy? Did he forget because of the alcohol? Could alcohol make you forget an
entire night
? Could it really be that powerful? I thought only drugs could do that.

Should I trust him? Believe what he said about alcohol? I could ask my cousin, Todd. He would know. He might be honest about it too. No. I didn’t need to talk to Todd. This was
Eric
.

“How much do you remember of last night?” I inquired.

“Not much. I went to the party, ran into you.”

I looked at him, needing the details, and he caught on. That was one thing I could rely on him for. He always caught on.

“Uh, that song,
Jump jump…
you came over, we went to get beer. I was kinda touchy with you.” He blushed but calmly continued. “Ummm, I made some comment about your looks.” More blushing. “You said something really funny, I don’t remember what it was… And I challenged Luke to shots.”

“That’s all?”

“Yeah. Next thing I remember is waking up.”

I looked down, bashfully. I felt stupid for being mad at him, and for my own ignorance. I smiled slightly.

“You won… the shots.” He grinned.

“So are we good?” he asked earnestly. I nodded. “You want to come and get ice cream with everyone? Me, Aurora, Mike, Tom and Tony?” He gave me his best puppy face. He was really trying hard to make things right. Harder than I thought he would.

“Um, yeah, okay.” I didn’t really want ice cream, or to go out, but I knew that it would be bad if I refused. I had to prove to the world that I was okay, with Eric, with eating and with making new friends. Somehow, it all seemed possible when Eric looked at me.

We walked in a big group to the ice cream shop. I could see my breath in the cold night air. We were all shivering, and we were going to get ice cream. It was crazy but a lot of fun. Eric’s friends were so funny, all three of those guys, and Aurora seemed really happy to have another girl there. The testosterone level was a little high, but I could have done without having to see Aurora. Unfortunately, I never had that luxury.

I was really surprised when I met everyone. It turned out that I had seen Mike before. He was the sleaze from the party. Fortunately, he wasn’t drooling over me tonight. He actually seemed embarrassed when Eric introduced us, and he said, “Oh, so you’re the babe I’ve been trying not to notice.” A joke, I think, but he seemed nice enough. Tom was super tall, actually taller than Eric, and his hair under his baseball hat was buzzed short. He was kinda heavy set, not fat but thick like a teddy bear. Tony was my height, with short, spiky black hair. His build was thin, like the distance runners in high school, which as it turned out, he used to be.

Being in a group with four guys was a little like being at the circus, with all these crazy animals jumping all over the place but always for the crowd’s benefit. The crowd being, in this instance, the girls. Specifically me that night, I was the new one. They were bidding for my attention so much that I almost didn’t notice Eric’s arm around Aurora’s waist. I really wished I hadn’t noticed Aurora when she playfully smacked Eric on the butt.

We sat down at a picnic table when we got our ice cream. It was so cold. I got my chocolate chip cookie dough in a bowl. That way, no one would notice I wasn’t eating. I know, I had just promised myself that eating wouldn’t be a problem anymore, but I wasn’t hungry. Besides, it would all just go to my hips. Right? Eric got some butterscotch thing that he was raving about. He fed Aurora a spoonful and I cleverly looked away before they made me vomit. Mike and Tony complained that the lovebirds needed their own table while Tom complained that Eric didn’t offer him any.

“Come on Eric, why’s Aurora get all the love?” Tom whined. Everyone laughed. “I want some too, Eric.”

“Go buy your own,” Eric told him.

“Hey, I’m on a tight budget. All my money goes towards important things, like CDs and beer,” Tom commented. Aurora shook her head in mock disappointment.

“What? I’m legal,” he said. “Not like all of you.”

Mike answered happily, “I almost am, and that’s good enough for me. It’s good enough for Cassie too, right babe?”

“Cassie?” Eric asked, looking surprisingly unhappy for someone with a blonde bombshell hanging all over him.

“Isn’t that her name?” Mike asked. “Cassandra? I like Cassie better than Sandy. It’s too Grease Lightning. You don’t mind, right?”

“Uh, no,” I answered sheepishly. My heart began to race the moment he called me Cassie. I didn’t know if I was still reacting to his creepiness or something else.

“How old are you?”

“I’m 18,” I answered.

“I’m 20,” Mike said with a smirk, like his age would be a huge turn-on to any eighteen-year-old girl. It wasn’t, not to this girl anyway. I felt a knot in my stomach tighten. Eric and Aurora stood up.

“We’ll be right back,” Eric said as Aurora led him away.

Tom responded, “Give him a kiss for me,” and smirked at another of his homoerotic jokes.

“Let’s see…” Mike thought out loud as he moved to straddle the bench to my right. “Eric is 20, Aurora’s 19, Tom’s 22 and Tony’s 19. That makes you the youngest here.” He was looking directly at me, not even blinking.

“But still legal, for some you-know-what,” Tom added, probably attempting a joke.

Mike still stared at me, right in the eye, as if we were in contest. Well, if we were, I wasn’t playing. I looked away and pushed a pile of ice cream mush in my mouth. He got up and started picking on Tom. Tony ate his second cone in odd silence. My eyes caught on Aurora and Eric, kissing by the garbage cans. My knotted stomach tightened, twisting even more, and I fought the urge to vomit.

1205

Another winter had come and gone, and still no Eric. I had seen many mounted warriors pass through my village but none return. They were all being sent to guard our borders. It was a noble purpose, serving the king of our people. It seemed that peaceful times were over once again.

My own life was taking a dramatic, unwanted turn. My father had decided the time had come for my marriage. He and my brothers had begun searching for a man worthy of my life. They refused to see that I saved myself for another. They knew of my love for Eric and they told me that he would never return and to not waste my life on a man who could be dead, or betrothed to someone else. I declined to believe any of their prophecies. I knew that Eric would not leave me alone.

It was a gloomy day, the sky was covered in storm clouds. Thunder rumbled in the distance. He who gave me life had decided where I would spend the rest of my days. Tears cascaded down my cheeks and I felt something break in my heart. I could not betray my father’s decision. I could never disrespect him, but I could never marry someone other than my Eric. If I refused to marry I would bring embarrassment on my family and possibly deter women from marrying my brothers. I stepped out into the wind-crisped air and held myself as the coming storm dried my tears. A cart came rolling down the dirt path under the great storm clouds waiting to burst, and I recognized the driver at once. It was Heodred.

He saw me and halted the horses just before me.

“Maiden,” he called out.

I nodded to him. I saw that he was covered in blood, some his own, some not. He was dirty and shining with sweat. Then I saw the cart, it had people in it, piled over one another like hay. Beaten and bloodied hay.

“Your warrior… he lies with them,” he said.

His words cut me like a knife. Horrified, I asked, “Dead?”

“No, not dead, but I fear he may not be long for this world.” He climbed down from his mount and moved to the cart. He reached his arm over the short side and found an arm. He pulled it up and Eric’s weak, blood-coated face breathed the fresh air, using every ounce of his strength to gasp, hanging on to life’s thread.

“I take them to the king’s court,” he said as he set Eric back down. “There the dead will be honored, and the dying will be given care. Pray he last that long, maiden.”

He spoke with sadness dragging on his words. He was weary and I was holding back his somber journey.

“Time is fading. They must receive help now!” I exclaimed, voice cracking as I raised it to his bleeding ear. My voice sounded harsh and grated. I sounded as if I had been the one through a war. Heodred drew his strength and courage as he quickened his movements to check the horses’ harness one last time before he continued on.

“Take me with you. Heodred, take me with you! I must be with him,” I pleaded.

“There is nothing you can do for him now.”

“I can love him.” Tears streamed over my cheeks, lips and chin, dropping down to my neck before being taken by the fabric of my dress.

Heodred’s solid hand was suddenly on my shoulder. I looked up at him and there was a tender sadness in his war hardened eyes.

“Come, maiden, sit beside me. You can hold his hand while we travel.”

CHAPTER 11

EXPERIMENTS WITH LOVE

Things were awkward in the days after Aurora and Eric had left me with the boys at the ice cream shop. I tried not to think about it, but I couldn’t hold back any longer.

“Aurora?” She looked up from her laptop. “Um…what’s the deal with Mike?” I asked.

“What do you mean?”

“Well,” I said as I shifted my weight slightly on my bed, “he kinda made me nervous. He kept looking at me weird.”

Aurora got a slight smile on her face. “That’s because he likes you, silly.”

“No, that can’t be it.”

“Why not? You’re smart and pretty. Why wouldn’t he like you?”

“Because he’s weird.”

“Maybe he’s nervous. You’re not exactly the easiest person to talk to.” Why was she taking his side?

“He’s weird. Trust me.”

Mike wasn’t the only thought hovering over my tongue. I couldn’t stop thinking about my last dream. It was reality for me. I was haunted by Eric’s dying coughs and the look on Heodred’s face. The look of defeat.

Each time I thought on it, my eyes stung of tears that would come. I had no one to confide in over the train wreck in my mind. No one knew of my dreams, and I could tell no one. These past few ruled my life. They were so vivid and distinct, like kissing Eric. They enhanced my world; they were as real as today. It was difficult to go on, waiting for another. I needed to know what would happen, what
did
happen…?

Could I call myself sane while believing in these visions?

I handed Eric the schedule I had decided on for next semester, but he frowned in disappointment, falling back into the cushions of the sofa he sat on.

“We’re not going to have anything together,” he said sadly.

“What? Why not? We have the same major. You don’t think you’re going to fail, do you?” I asked, sitting up straighter without meaning to.