Envious (9 page)

“Hey, sexy girl, try this stuff. You’ll like it better than beer.” He held out the shot to me. “Gulp it.”

I took it and reluctantly swallowed it down. I choked on it, coughing and sputtering, as it burned down my throat and trickled down my chin. I covered my face quickly to hide it, wiping the nasty liquid away.

“You alright there?” Eric asked. “Here, come here with me. Moral support.”

He pulled me by my wrist, bringing me out of the crowd and he held my hand by his shoulder. My fingers tingled as he stroked my hand in his. With his other hand, he drank, trying to beat the other guy. And he did it. He beat him, eventually. The other guy gave in and Eric jumped up, arms raised, declaring his victory. He crushed me into his side once again and kissed the top of my head.

I felt smooth, like liquid. I had gotten used to my beer and finished it. Eric handed me a tall shot glass. “What a team!” he yelled over the music and noise. I gulped the liquid, like he taught me, taking it down much more easily this time.

Everything seemed dazzling and I felt…sexy. Just like Eric called me. Sexy. I gave Eric the signal by yelling in his ears, “It’s over,” and we left the party, giggling as we stumbled together down the hall. The floor felt like it was moving beneath my feet, but I didn’t seem to care that I couldn’t walk straight. Eric wasn’t either. When we reached his room, he pulled me in without a second’s wait. His roommate sat on his bed, doing homework. He glanced up, staring at us.

“We’ll give you quiet,” Eric told him as he pushed me back through doorway.

He kept his arm around my waist as we made our way to my dorm room. He kept whispering nonsense in my ear and I couldn’t keep from laughing. I didn’t even care to try. Everything was so wonderful. I unlocked my room and we slipped inside. Eric shut the door behind him. I pulled the tie out of my hair, shaking my curls loose, and he wrapped both arms around my waist, lifting me off my feet with ease. He dropped me down on my bed. Our giggling softly continued as he climbed onto my mattress and lay over my body, putting barely any of his weight on me. He propped his arms on my pillow and touched his forehead and nose to mine. We both giggled in a whisper, but our giggling faded as we stared deeply into each other’s eyes. And our staring turned to kissing.

It felt so natural, kissing Eric. His lips were tender, his touch melting and invigorating all at once. His hands found my face and held it as he deepened the kiss. His tongue flicked across my lips and I burned with desire. He brought his body down on mine, arching with lust, moaning with want and passion. I could feel him all over me now. His warmth, his muscles, his lips. I held my arms around his waist and allowed my fingers to feel each muscle’s pull, each tug as his whole body came to life over mine. I burned, I yearned. He was all I wanted, all I needed.

“Cassandra…” he moaned against my lips.

Yes, it’s me. I am the one you kiss, I am the one you want and need.

Closer, closer still. I needed to feel him, his skin. I tugged at his t-shirt and he knew what I wanted. He dragged his lips from mine and yanked his shirt off. He took my hand in his and helped it to find his smooth flesh. He sat over me as I felt his rippling chest under my fingers. He pulled me up to meet his lips once again, kissing me hungrily. His hands wove through my hair and down my back. He found the bottom of my shirt and slipped his hand inside, pulling the cloth up to reveal my midriff. His hands roamed over my back and each place he touched me turned to lava. I was no longer human, I was pure fire.
Eric…
We lay back down as he kissed my neck, my face, my hand. I knew he wanted to feel me all over too. I was sure of it.

His kissing slowed until he kissed my forehead and stayed there. We were both breathing hard, heavy. His cheek lay against my sweaty forehead and our hands intertwined. We did not move until our breathing was nearly regular. He drew back slightly, gazing into my eyes. “You’re so beautiful…”

“Eric,” I said, my breath coming in pants. “Eric, I love you.” I said it. The three words I had always felt but never spoken. He kissed my mouth in response. We lay down, face to face, with our arms wrapped around each other, and drifted off to sleep.

1204

It had been two long seasons before I saw my love again. Our nation had defeated the invaders and been spared from occupation. Eric rode through my village mounted high on his horse. He wore gleaming chain mail and carried a sword at his side. At first, I barely recognized him. He had changed, grown in size and strength, and his face had become harder, more severe. But his eyes were the same. I ran from my house in hopes that he would come to me, and he did. He hadn’t forgotten me. He rode to my garden and dismounted. Eric took me up in his strong embrace, lifting my toes from the ground.

“I have missed you,” he spoke softly into my hair.

“Eric,” I whispered. I was at a loss for words. My heart had stopped and my mind ceased to function.

He set me down, gently, and smoothed my hair back from my face.

“I cannot stay. The war is over now, but my duty is not. I ride through here to send word to the western front. It is there where I shall guard the shorelines from attack.”

I nodded. It would be long before he returned, if he ever did. “Are you happy?”

“Not as happy as I’d be with you. But I am gaining rank and proving my merit. One day I will be given land where we will live together. One day I will be free to marry you and we will live in love and bliss. But I must go now. Please, do not forget my promise to you. When I return…”

He kissed my hand, goodbye.

CHAPTER 10

EMPTY THOUGHTS

I woke as I fell off my narrow bed and onto the old gray carpet. Eric was lying flat against the wall. If the wall hadn’t been there, Eric would have fallen too. I walked, bleary eyed, a half-step to Aurora’s side of the room and collapsed on her bed. As I curled up, I realized…
Eric…he’s on my bed! He was here last night!
All at once the memories struck me as I accidentally closed my eyes and they refused to open. I was asleep once again.

My eyes flashed open at a loud thumping sound. Eric had just slammed his head into my wall. He was holding his head and cursing quietly.

“Are you okay?” I asked, and he jumped at my voice, hitting his head against the wall for a second time.

“Shit! Ow. What…what are you doing here?” Then his eyes widened as he took in his surroundings. Mortified, he asked, “I’m in your room?! What? How’d I get here?”

“You came here, last night, after the party. Remember?”
Please remember…
I’d hate it if I were the only one who recalled the wonderful things we had felt last night.
Please…!

“Um…”

“What’s the last thing you remember?” I asked, desperation creeping into my voice.
How could he not remember?!

“Uh, I was doing shots with that Luke guy…I blacked out?!” he exclaimed.

“Don’t yell,” I whined. “My head is killing me.”

He looked concerned. “Oh yeah, last night was the first time you drank, wasn’t it?”

“As if it’s your business…” I responded, annoyed with him now.

“Dehydrated. Drink some water,” he told me as he stood to reach Aurora’s small refrigerator. He stepped on his shirt and looked down at his bare chest. I watched as his eyes grew wider than I had ever seen.

“Crap! What? Damn, we didn’t…did we…?”

“What?” I pushed, giving him as much attitude as possible through my screaming headache.

“We didn’t do anything, right?”

“No.” If he couldn’t remember, I didn’t want to tell him. How could he not remember the best night of my life? Jerk.

“Oh, thank God!” he exclaimed as he pulled his shirt on over his head.

Thank God?!

“Yeah, cuz it would be so horrible to get close to me,” I muttered.
Jerk!

He looked at me, truly confused. “Sandy, do you…like me?”

That sentence struck me hard, like a sharp blow to the face.

“No, I’m just sick of people treating me like a filthy slob. You couldn’t even deal with thinking that you
might
have done
something
with me.
‘Thank God?!’
You were drunk and you passed out on my bed. And this is the thanks I get for dealing with you?” I snapped.

It was all over. My defenses were up and most likely never coming back down.

“I should have dragged you outside and made you sleep in the hall, for everyone to laugh at. Stupid jerk. Why don’t you go back to your room and leave me the hell alone?!” I yelled, crossing my arms defiantly.

He looked hurt. I didn’t care. I felt betrayed and alone. No facial expression could change that.

“What did I do?” he asked. I didn’t answer.

“What did I do to you? What?” he pleaded. There was no way I would answer that. I just stood and opened my door.

“Get out,” I ordered, my face set hard like stone. I wouldn’t fall into his trap again. Eric looked at me, a hurt, subtle pout on his face, and he walked out through the door. He turned and opened his mouth to speak, but I slammed the door shut in his face. Tears began to stream down my cheeks as I leaned back against the door and sank to the carpet, weeping and sniffling. Crying my eyes out. I felt so awful, so cold, so empty.

I fled to the library for the better half of the day. I brought my own books and read, and read. I spent hours on that forest green sofa on the top floor. The sunlight cascaded through the aged glass and spilled over my body like a blanket. It was so warm and comforting there. Right then, I decided this was
my
spot, my new place to go to and feel at home. My spot. My home. No one would know. No one would spoil it for me.

I looked at my watch and realized I should eat something. I hadn’t eaten all day, but I wasn’t hungry. I drank a lot of water to help with my now mild headache, but I did need to eat. I stood and the sunlight fell to my feet. It was cold out of the sun. The sun was warm, but the air was cold. I grabbed my sweatshirt from the sofa and pulled it on over my head. The fabric touched my arm and stung. I bit my lip in pain, pulled the shirt off again and stared at the wound. I had scraped my arm in the shower. I had felt so dirty. I had broken Aurora’s trust and poured my heart out to the person who found me appalling when sober and sexy while drunk. And he couldn’t remember. He couldn’t remember breaking Aurora’s trust like I could. I had felt so used and betrayed as I rubbed the soapy puff over my body. I had gotten carried away and rubbed my upper arm raw. It bled, not dangerously, but enough to horrify me. I had hurt myself in my anger for Eric. It disgusted me that it was another way he hurt me and would not know of.

I cleaned my scrape out in the bathroom and put more bacitracin on it. I would need to get band-aids at the store, but I didn’t feel like going out anywhere. It could wait until later.

When the library closed, I went home. I returned to my dorm room as late as possible for someone with no car or life. I had taken a break for food as planned, and I had also managed to choke it down. Now, however, it was threatening to come back up. I was making myself sick, like always. Somehow everything always upsets me to the point of physical suffering. At that moment, I was sick from Aurora, Eric, Aurora-and-Eric, Sandy-and-Eric, and the lack of Sandy-and-Eric.
I’m so pathetic…

“Sandy!” I turned to see a hopeful Eric bounding down the hall toward me. I froze, only steps from my door. I suppose I could have hurried and locked myself in my room, but I wasn’t smart enough to react that fast. He slowed to a stop before me, panting and red in the face. He hunched over and rested his palms on his knees as he caught his breath. My eyebrows pushed together, furrowing, as I stared in disgust at his great display.

“I was… upstairs… the art building… floor three and I saw…you coming… here, so I ran… Hi.”

Hi? That’s what he chased me down to say? The art building was on the opposite side of campus. What was he doing in the art building?

“Oookaaay. Hi. Bye.” I unlocked my door.

“Please…
Please don’t go yet. I need to talk to you.” He looked desperately at me.

“About what?” I asked, tears coming dangerously close to forming. Why was I so upset? He didn’t remember… I said I loved him… What if he did remember?

“Please.”

“Fine.”

We took a walk out into the parking lot. There was no way that either of us would want to meet in our rooms, or in any place that someone might hear. I leaned against his car, a black Pontiac Sunfire, and realized there was no way I’d go in there with him either. He caught the same impression and buried the keys deep in his pocket, along with his hands, safely tucked away. We stood about four feet apart which apparently was too close for us to feel comfortable. He looked so uneasy as he shifted his weight, searching his mind for the right words.

He swallowed hard, coughed, and began, “I’m sorry.”

“Sorry?” I countered. “I’m getting sick of hearing that. All you ever do is apologize to me.”

I could practically see the wheels in his head turning. I said something he hadn’t expected and he had to figure a whole new approach. I saved him the trouble.