Even Angels Fall (10 page)

A
bbey knows she is drunk, but as soon as she steps outside Alex’s flat into the cold, morning air, it really hits her. It is an unfamiliar sensation. Her head is spinning and she can barely remain upright as she waits in the doorway of the apartment block with Lucy and Nathan. It is 3:00am and they have only just ordered a taxi. The reality of sneaking out is starting to dawn on her and Abbey has no clue how she is going to climb back through her bedroom window in the state she is in… let alone quietly.

The taxi stops at the top of Abbey’s street and Nathan insists that they get out too and walk her home. The rational part of Abbey knows this isn’t the greatest idea, but she is so drunk and on such a high after the party that she doesn’t care enough to object. The three of them stagger along arm in arm, leaning on each other for support and as they reach Abbey’s driveway Nathan trips over the curb, falling into the gate and almost pulling it off one of its hinges. They burst into hysterical laughter while drunkenly urging each other to be quiet and after finally calming down and saying goodnight, Abbey watches fondly as Nathan and Lucy stumble off down the road. As they get further away in the distance a familiar sense of gloom slowly creeps back in, like a black cloud hanging over Abbey’s head. The fun is over and it is back to reality.

She smiles as Nathan picks Lucy up and swings her around, kissing her passionately under the street light. They stagger backwards into a parked car and the alarm sounds; shattering the eerie silence and making them both jump as they burst into laughter again, before racing hand in hand, around the corner out of sight.

Abbey ducks into the front garden and carefully creeps down the side of the garage. ‘How the hell am I going to do this?!’ She muses. After 5 minutes of trying to calculate the best way to clamber up the side of the house without falling on her face or alarming the neighbours, Abbey concludes that she is simply going to have to hope for the best.

She throws her bag over her shoulder, climbs onto the garden wall and hoists herself up onto the garage roof… so far so good. She crawls across the garage on her hands and knees, quietly laughing to herself, amused at how ridiculous she must look and how funny it would be if someone saw her at this precise moment. The window isn’t as high as she had thought and about half way up the drainpipe there is a bit of plastic fastening it to the side of the house, which sticks out just enough to act as a good footing.

Abbey opens her window as slowly and gently as possible and holding onto the window ledge she pushes herself up, swinging her right leg over and through in the same movement. Using all of her strength she manages to twist her body and lift her other leg inside until she is hanging out of the window head first. She starts to laugh again, partly due to the level of alcohol in her system and partly because of the head rush from being upside down. She rocks backwards -and ever so gently - slumps onto her bedroom floor, highly impressed at herself for not only managing such an athletic feat but for doing it rather stealthily. Abbey sits there for a moment, catching her breath, before slowly standing up and dusting herself off. She throws her bag onto the bed and pushes the window shut triumphantly, but as she turns around, the lamp in the corner of her room clicks on. Peter is sat in the chair by Abbey’s work desk. His face is blank and his eyes are full of anger, as he folds his arms and purses his lips. ‘Busted’.

“Jesus… could you be any more dramatic?!” She quips.

“Where have you been?” Peter’s answering tone is cold and abrupt.

Abbey knows she is in big trouble and that she should be careful, but her brother has an uncanny ability to get under her skin and as a result - despite the situation - she immediately goes on the defensive.

“Out…” Abbey mirrors Peter’s tone.

“Did you have fun?”

“Yeah, I did actually…” She smiles to herself as she thinks back to the party and Peter’s temper suddenly flares. He hurls himself out of the chair and strides towards Abbey, looming over her as he spits his words out furiously.

“What the hell do you think you’re doing?! Is this some pathetic little crusade to get attention or are you trying to impress that set of losers you call friends?!”

“You. Don’t. Know. Them….” Abbey pronounces each word slowly through gritted teeth.

“I know that they’ve changed you. I know they’ve got you doing stupid stuff like skipping school…”

“They are NOT the reason I’ve changed…” Abbey shouts, forgetting for a moment that it is almost 4am. The risk of waking Janet is the only thing stopping Abbey from launching at her brother and screaming at the top of her lungs out of sheer frustration, “I changed because my twin brother died! It happened, whether you admit it or not… it happened, and I can’t do this anymore…”

“Do what?!”

“THIS…” Abbey shrieks… “This fake life, pretending everything’s fine when it’s not fine…! Acting like nothing happened isn’t going to make it all magically go away, it will only make things worse…”

“I don’t act like it didn’t happen…” Peter gasps, disgusted at the accusation.

“Yes you do. You all do…” Abbey argues, “you can’t move on properly if you don’t grieve and the best way to do that is to talk about him, but you don’t… ever. When was the last time we talked about something good or funny Ryan did?!” Abbey can feel her voice falter as she battles with her angry tears.

“You think it’s that easy?!” Peter snaps, “You think we can all sit down at the table and have a laugh and a joke about the good old days and how great he was?!”

“I’m not saying it’s easy, but it has to be better than this. Not talking about him, or even acknowledging him… you act like he never even existed…”

“That is not true…” Peter tries to keep his voice stern but he can’t face Abbey any longer. He turns away and drops back down into the chair, holding his head in his hands.

“Yes you do…” She disagrees, kneeling down in front of him, “…and I know why you do, because sometimes I feel it too. It’s like when you think about him and how he used to be, it’s too hard… because we failed him. It wasn’t an illness, it wasn’t an accident, it was his choice and we should have known he needed help…” Abbey can no longer stop her tears from falling and Peter forces himself to look up. He too is crying, but his demeanour is still aggressive, his anger palpable.

“You honestly believe that he isn’t on my mind every single day? He is my brother and he will always be a part of this family, but constantly bringing him up and talking about what happened will only make it harder to let go. It doesn’t mean I don’t love him…” Peter stands, wiping the tears from his face as he moves wearily towards the door and he stops when Abbey speaks again.

“If everything I just said is wrong…?” She asks in a pained whisper, “Why can’t you bring yourself to say his name…?” She waits for Peter to respond and he eventually turns to face her, with the same blank expression fixed in place once more.

“I don’t know what you’re trying to achieve by behaving this way…” He states, flatly. “But you need to grow up and stop being so selfish… for everybody’s sake…” And with that parting shot, he leaves, quietly closing the door behind him.

Abbey drops exhausted onto her bed and sobs into her pillow, pulling the covers tightly around her in an attempt to block out the pain. She never believed it was possible to feel such crippling loss. If only her family would open up and be honest with their grief, but Abbey knows that isn’t going to happen. They won’t talk about Ryan, what he did or why… especially not with her. No matter how much she wishes they would. She is completely on her own - totally lost - and more scared than she ever has been before.

The following few days are excruciating. Abbey is constantly tense, waiting for Janet to come charging into her room at any moment, shouting the odds and no doubt threatening to ground her for the rest of her natural life. But Sunday passes by with no confrontation. In fact, Janet is in a strangely pleasant mood as she potters about the house, cleaning and running errands. Abbey is far less cheerful due to her horrendous hang over. She feels sick enough without the added nausea in the pit of her stomach caused by the knowledge that there will most definitely be repercussions from her late night ‘jail break’. At least that’s what she is expecting… but as the days go by, Abbey starts to feel even more anxious. What is Peter waiting for? Why hasn’t he told Janet? Is this some form of punishment, is he dragging it out to make her sweat? It doesn’t make any sense.

Abbey can no longer take the anticipation and she decides to confront Peter. They haven’t spoken a word to each other or even made eye contact since their huge argument, but she can’t take the not knowing any longer. If she is going to be in serious trouble she wants it over and done with.

It is Friday afternoon and has now been a week since she was caught red handed by her brother… but still nothing. As she throws her keys onto the side and hooks her school bag over the banister, she strains to hear the low murmur of voices coming from the kitchen. Janet is ranting and she sounds fairly pissed off. ‘Here we go’. Abbey thinks, as she takes a deep breath and enters the room. Peter is sat at the breakfast table reading a paper. He doesn’t look up or even acknowledge her presence as she walks in, but Janet turns, and to Abbey’s surprise, she is smiling.

“Oh Abbey, there you are…”

“Is everything OK?” She asks, cautiously.

“Oh, yes its fine darling… a slight problem with the conference room we have booked for tomorrow but nothing that can’t be fixed….”

“Tomorrow?”

“I’m away this weekend I thought I told you…?”

“No, I don’t think you mentioned it…” Abbey manages to refrain from rolling her eyes. ‘Why the hell would she mention a little thing like that?’

“Well, I leave tonight and I get back late on Sunday. Peter is in charge while I’m gone and there’s plenty of food in the fridge for you both. I’ll be on my mobile if you need me for anything…”

“OK…”

“Listen…” Janet stands in front of Abbey and puts her hands firmly on her shoulders, holding her in place… “I know it’s been difficult recently, and I want you to know that I like it about as much as you do. I don’t want us falling out all the time. You’ve been really good these past few weeks and your school work is back on track… so… I don’t see any reason for you to be grounded anymore…” It’s a good job that Janet is gripping Abbey so firmly, as she can feel herself rock backwards, almost passing out with shock. Is this really happening? Surely Peter isn’t going to just sit there and let this go?

“Thanks, Mum…” She stutters.

“You’re welcome… but I still want you on your best behaviour alright? No slacking off at school. I’m trusting you here Abbey, I’m giving you a chance…”

“I know. So… if I’m not grounded, does that mean I can see my friends this weekend?” Janet hesitates and Abbey almost regrets pushing her luck.

“I suppose so…” She replies with a degree of uncertainty, “But I want your coursework done first and you need to be home when your brother says so – no arguments…” Abbey can live with that. Peter isn’t here half the time anyway. Janet collects her laptop and a stack of folders off the table and rushes upstairs to pack. She is being picked up in an hour by one of her colleagues and then she will be gone for a whole weekend. An entire 48 hours. And to top it off - Abbey has her freedom back. As her excitement starts to build, Peter clears his throat and leans back in his chair. Abbey still can’t figure out what game he is playing but that was the perfect opportunity for him to drop her right in it… and he didn’t.

“You haven’t told her?” She states the obvious.

“No.”

“Why not?”

“Don’t think for one second that I’m OK with what you did, or that I’m going to let it go…” He scoffs. “But Mum has been in a really good place recently and she’s been looking forward to this trip for weeks…” Oh, so Janet had known for ‘weeks’ about this business trip and still Abbey knew nothing. Great, “She is doing really well and there’s no way I’m going to let you upset her and bring her down…” There it is again, that overwhelming urge to punch her brother square in the face.

“Are you done…?” Abbey stares at him.

“You’ve got some nerve… don’t think this is over. Mum is giving you a chance and you better not blow it. If you do I won’t hesitate to tell her exactly what’s been going on…”

Peter’s snide, bitter words linger in the back of Abbey’s mind as she gets ready in her room. She isn’t in the greatest of moods, but she is determined to shrug it off and enjoy herself tonight, no matter what it takes. She is no longer grounded and that is definitely a cause for celebration. She rings Lucy straight away and she is over the moon that Abbey can join them on their night out without having to conduct a covert operation in order to get there. She gasps in amazement as Abbey tells her in detail about what had transpired that afternoon. Of course Lucy, Nathan and Liam knew all about Peter catching her as she snuck back into the house - she had filled them in the following Monday at school - so they are all as shocked as Abbey when she tells them that her curfew has been lifted.

The plan is to meet at Alex’s flat for a few drinks before heading into town. A brand new club opened up the previous week at the bottom of Call Lane and they are all eager to try it out. Abbey struggles to control the butterflies in her stomach, knowing that she will see Alex again. The way they had left their last encounter means this time round it could go either way. He might be even more standoffish and aloof than before, or maybe he will start warming to her? One thing is for certain – if he is going to stare at her as much as he did last Saturday, she is going to give him something to stare at. Abbey is under no illusions. She knows deep down that there is no way someone as breathtakingly good-looking as Alex would ever be interested in her. She has always been told how beautiful she is but she doesn’t think herself as anything special and Alex is way out of her league. This time though, she is prepared, and determined to make herself look as appealing as she possibly can, regardless of her chances.