Even Angels Fall (5 page)

“Mum?” Janet looks up in surprise and opens her mouth as if to say something, but stops herself, “Are you OK?”

“Abbey…” Her voice is breathless when she finally speaks. “I thought you were in bed…”

“It’s only 8pm. I was just getting a drink…”

“Oh.”

Abbey waits patiently for Janet to speak again, but she simply stares at the glass in her hand before taking another large, comforting sip.

“Are you…?”

“I’m fine…” Janet sighs, cutting Abbey off mid-sentence while forcing a fake smile, “I’ve just had a bit too much to drink… you know how I get…”

“It’s alright to miss him Mum.” Abbey states, softly.

Although Janet has behaved this way before, it has been a while since she turned to alcohol to help her cope. She is getting much better at dealing with her grief, but she has never truly opened up to Abbey. Never spoken to her about what happened or how it affected her. She has never even asked Abbey how she is, at least not in so many words, as it is a topic that is more or less avoided altogether, and deep down, Abbey knows exactly the reason why.

“I know it’s OK to miss him. It’s just hard to miss him…” Janet finally responds.

“So talk to me…” Abbey pleads. She moves further into the room, and Janet flinches. Although only a slight movement, it doesn’t escape Abbey’s attention and she stops.

“Not now… I’m tired….” Janet whispers, resting her head on the arm of the sofa and closing her eyes. It is a typical reaction, one that Abbey was expecting, but it still hurts. Janet sighs again deeply, as she looks back at the TV screen and at the old family movie that is playing, “There’s still so much I don’t understand. He was fine. When he was little, growing up… he was your average, sweet, happy little boy. How could I have known? There were no warning signs, nothing, so how could I have known?” Her voice breaks and she lifts her hand to her mouth, forcing back her tears.

“You couldn’t have known, none of us did…”

“No, well, he made his choice…” Janet’s face crumples in pain, “I just wish I could have done something…” She begins to cry; thick, heavy sobs and Abbey moves quickly but cautiously to her side. She takes the wine from her hand, placing it on the coffee table before turning back and circling her arm around Janet in an attempt to comfort her. Again she flinches, pushing Abbey away as she climbs up off the floor and perches on the edge of the sofa, resting her elbows on her knees and her head in her hands.

“Hello? Anyone home?” The front door slams and Anna’s cheerful voice sounds completely out of place as she calls from the hallway, “I had a late night ante-natal class so thought I’d swing by…. Hello?”

“We’re in here Anna…” Abbey calls, flatly.

“Oh there you are, I was just…” Anna comes to a sudden halt in the doorway and her face drops as she asses the scene she has walked in on, “What’s the matter?”

“Mum needs you…” Abbey shows no emotion as she steps aside and let’s Anna pass, her face completely blank. She is well aware that she must seem uncaring and cold, but she can’t help it. It is her best way of coping. Block it all out, don’t react, just walk away. If Abbey ever sat and allowed herself to think for too long about how her own mother treats her, she would most likely have an emotional breakdown. Instead she has chosen to take an objective view, almost as if she is on the outside looking in at somebody else’s life. It is scary how good she is these days at exercising complete emotional detachment. But maybe that’s just what happens when the people you love the most push you away and shut you out? You become detached.

Abbey watches silently as Anna sits down on the sofa next to Janet and places her arms around her. Janet doesn’t flinch or back away, instead she rests her head on Anna’s shoulder and holds her hand. Eventually, her crying begins to slow and her breathing returns to normal as she regains control of her emotions.

“You know you shouldn’t drink, Mum. What on earth made you put these videos on?”

“I found them when I was going through the last of the boxes. I thought I could handle it… stupid I know…”

“It’s not stupid. You’ve been doing so well lately, but you can’t rush it. It’s not going to get better overnight, it will take time, but you will get there Mum, I promise…” Anna has a special gift of making people feel like everything is going to be OK, even when it isn’t. She has been that way ever since she was little. She is the oldest of four so it is perhaps only natural for her to mother her younger siblings. She always looked out for Peter and Ryan, but she completely doted on Abbey. They were incredibly close despite the 9 year age gap and Abbey grew up idolising her sister in every way. When Anna left home to go to University, Abbey was devastated. She was only 10 years old at the time and she cried for weeks after. Anna came home often though, and their relationship if anything became stronger due to the distance. She would always visit as much as she could no matter how much she had going on in her life. Anna has always been a real family person, kind, caring, and a lot of fun to be around. Beautiful on the outside as well, with soft features and a heart shaped face, framed by her long, light brown hair. She is going to make an incredible mum.

Yet despite their closeness in the past, Abbey still can’t help sensing a change in their relationship. The alienation she feels towards Anna might be nothing compared to what she feels towards the rest of her family, but it is still there, that slight difference. ‘It shouldn’t be surprising really’, Abbey muses to herself, ‘nothing’s the same anymore’, and with a lingering sadness, she turns and slips quietly out of the room, unable to watch the bond between Anna and her Mum any longer without feeling the crippling loneliness that she tries so hard to bury. She can’t resist one last glance at the TV screen as she leaves, but instantly regrets her decision as she sees a 16 year old Ryan waving and laughing at the camera. A few weeks after that footage was filmed, he was gone.

Abbey’s second and third week at school are much more successful than the first, and as the days pass her time at Eden Comprehensive seems to be gradually improving. After almost a month spent hiding away in empty classrooms during her lunch hour, she finally decides that enough is enough. She is being pathetic, deep down she knows it, and it is about time she gets over her constant sulking and starts trying to make the best of her current situation.

The sun is shining today and Abbey finds it strange how a change in the weather can make such a difference to her mood. Things are strained at home; in fact it’s the worst it has been since her family moved to Leeds. Abbey and Janet aren’t talking, mostly because Abbey is avoiding her. Peter is making minimal effort, which is usually the case, and Anna and Dom are busy transforming their spare room into a nursery as well as making various other preparations ready for the new addition. All of them are occupied with their own lives but Abbey isn’t overly bothered, these days she prefers being left alone to deal with things in her own way. It is, at the very least, a nice day, and despite her current problems at home, she finds herself humming along to her ipod on the bus as she makes her way to school.

Her first few lessons are productive, even enjoyable. Now that Abbey has settled into her routine and caught up with the work she has missed, she finds that she is very much on top of her A-Level courses. She knows and likes all of her teacher’s and has even started talking quite regularly with a few people in each of her classes. Still only polite conversation, but it is better than nothing. The horror of her first week is waning slightly, and although she is a long way off from liking Eden Comprehensive, it is starting to become more tolerable. It is these positive changes that make Abbey
all the more determined to finally venture out of her self-imposed, solitary confinement.

Her class is one of the first to be dismissed for lunch, which she is thankful for. It means that she can beat the rush and discreetly find a seat before the crowds descend. She walks quickly outside, across the courtyard and over to the picnic tables opposite the cafeteria. She chooses the table furthest away from the building and sits down. Her new found bravery has definitely affected her appetite and she doesn’t feel much like eating, so instead she pulls out the book that her class are studying in English and makes notes in the margin as she reads. It doesn’t take long before the picnic tables and the surrounding fields are full of students and Abbey finds herself distracted, watching the various people come and go. Some she recognizes, a lot she doesn’t.

Not thinking about anything in particular as she idly scans the courtyard; her thoughts are suddenly pulled into sharp focus as she makes eye contact with someone. Abbey turns cold and her stomach drops, when she realizes Natalie Alder is staring over in her direction. She is stood in the centre of a group of people on the other side of the lawn and they are clearly talking about her, laughing and pointing in the most obvious way imaginable. Abbey can feel her breath quickening. If she gets up and walks away now, will they follow her? But what if she stays and they come over to her table? The complete humiliation she suffered on her first day would feel like nothing if she is ridiculed in front of this many people; she will be the talk of the school. Abbey begins to panic. Any minute now Natalie will make her move and it will be too late to escape, too embarrassing for her to just turn and run away. ‘Why the hell didn’t I stay inside?’ she scolds herself.

Concentrating on her book, Abbey tries hard to ignore the group of bullies and Natalie in particular. If she keeps her head down and doesn’t acknowledge them, maybe they will get bored and let it go? Abbey’s good mood from this morning has all but vanished and she counts down the seconds, praying for the bell to ring so that she can escape this horrible girl who for some unknown reason has it in for her. But there is half an hour left until the end of lunch break, half an hour to endure the dreaded possibility that at any moment she might find herself in another frightening confrontation. Abbey can sense someone approaching her table and her heart beats fast as her breath quickens even more.

“Abbey, hi…” The voice is friendly- not the one Abbey is expecting – and she glances up cautiously to see Lucy standing in front of her table, thankfully blocking Natalie from view. The two boys who interrupted their first meeting are standing behind her.

“Hi Lucy, how are you?” Abbey tries to compose herself, speaking as calmly as possible.

“Great! Do you mind if we sit?”

“No go ahead…”

“This is Liam and my boyfriend Nathan…” The three of them join Abbey at the table and she waves timidly in response. Liam is good looking in an unconventional way, fairly small, but lean, with short dark hair, a slightly crooked smile and an air of confidence about him. Abbey is obviously assessing him a little too closely as he catches her staring and winks, laughing under his breath.

The other boy, Nathan, is good looking in a
very
conventional way. He is tall and slim, quite muscular, with messy brown hair that sticks out at every angle. He seems a strange match for Lucy, given that his uniform is almost pristine. They are both equally attractive but look like polar opposites in terms of presentation, yet he sits with his arm draped protectively across her shoulders, obviously smitten, as he smiles warmly at Abbey.

“So, how have you been? Has this place got any more bearable yet?” Lucy asks.

“I’m not sure… it was starting to…”

“What changed?”

Abbey sighs and looks directly over Lucy’s shoulder. The three of them all follow her gaze over to Natalie’s table, where she is sat looking less than impressed that her intended target suddenly has allies.

“Jesus Christ, Natalie Alder is giving you grief already? She doesn’t waste any fucking time does she?!” Liam rolls his eyes with a look of irritation on his face.

“We met on my first day, it was definitely an experience. She slammed me into the lockers…”

“Seriously…?”

“Yeah, Lucy came to my rescue…” Abbey smiles, gratefully.

“I wouldn’t say that. I saw the aftermath…”

“Still, I never said thank you…”

“Don’t mention it…”

Abbey starts to relax as the four of them chat together in the blazing sunshine and she listens intently as Liam recalls numerous horror stories of Natalie and some of her poor unsuspecting victims. By the sounds of it, she got off lightly. It does make her worry even more though, knowing what Natalie is capable of.

The half an hour that Abbey had at first been wishing away, comes to an end all too soon. It has been so nice talking to people her own age without the shadow of her past hanging over her. She hadn’t realized until now how much she has missed this sort of interaction. She has clearly gotten too used to being on her own.

The courtyard is almost empty with only a few stragglers left behind and Abbey can’t put it off any longer; she has to head back to class or she will be late. She hopes it won’t be the first and last time that she gets to spend lunch with Lucy, Nathan and Liam. She really likes them, and they give her a sense of hope that things might finally start to improve.

“We’re headed down to the arcade in the park, if you fancy it?” Lucy’s question catches Abbey off guard. She wasn’t aware of any free periods. In the hours you don’t have lesson you are expected to attend study sessions in the library.

“Oh… I can’t… I have class…” She stutters.

“Come on Abbey, live a little…” Liam winks at her again.

“It’s far too nice a day to be stuck inside…” Nathan adds.

Abbey hesitates. Nathan is right, it is a gorgeous day and she is already ahead in her French class. She is good at languages, and a lot of what they are learning at the moment she has already covered in her first year of sixth form back at her old school. She finds herself seriously considering it, but she is still reluctant. Abbey has never skipped class before. Ever.

“Plus, you could end up running into your best friend again. She didn’t look too happy earlier…” Lucy smiles innocently, knowing full well that if anything is going to convince her to ditch, that is it. The three of them begin to edge away as Abbey looks back at the school, still uncertain, “Come on Abbey, it’ll be fun!” Lucy shouts, gesturing for her to follow, and after another brief moment of hesitation, she does.