Finding Trust (Finding Series, Book 2) (7 page)

“It kept happening with the few men who were interested in having a relationship with me and by the time things ended, I barely even recognized myself anymore. After Isaac, I swore that I wouldn’t let it happen again. But that voice is still there – the one that keeps telling me I’ll never be good enough and sometimes it’s really hard to tune it out. Like yesterday at the ranch when I realized how badly I treated you.” Dane fell silent and then finally looked up at Jax.

“The truth is you scare the hell out of me, Jax. But you’re also a reminder of the man I’ll never be – strong, honorable, brave, loyal, kind.”

“Dane…”

“I
did
judge you for the way you handled the man who took your brother’s life. But I know now that if Rollins had succeeded in taking Emma from me, I would have done anything – anything - to end his life.”

Dane hung his head for a moment before saying, “I’m sorry if I made you feel like I was better than you because the exact opposite is true. You saved Emma’s life. If you hadn’t been there…”

Jax heard Dane choke back a sob and he automatically started moving towards the other man. But Dane’s hand came up to stop him and he stepped back.

“Don’t. Please.” The desperation in Dane’s voice kept him back. “The guest room is the one next to Emma’s. I’ll see you in the morning.”

Jax dropped down onto the couch and buried his head in his hands. Seeing Dane so wounded was ripping him to shreds but what the hell could he do? His job, he finally reminded himself. He could do his fucking job and keep Dane safe and then get the hell out of this place that was making him question everything.

***

Jax smiled as Emma jumped excitedly in his arms as the big Pinto horse stuck his head over the fence and reached for the carrot he was holding out. “You think he likes it, baby girl?” he said as the carrot was tugged from his grasp.

“She’s not answering you yet, is she?” Jax heard Rhys ask from behind him. The other man stopped next to him and eyed Emma with a look of trepidation while the baby stared back at him as if transfixed. “I suspect Dane’s gonna have his hands full with this one,” Rhys said as he motioned to the little girl. Emma instantly reached for him.

At the mention of Dane, Jax’s eyes searched out the man and found him still examining one of Callan’s horses in the open area next to the barn. “What’s wrong with him?” he asked Rhys.

“The horse or Dane?” Rhys responded. Jax sent him a dark look and Rhys put up his hands in supplication. “Astro picked up a nail in his hoof.” Rhys folded his arms over the pasture fence. “Not sure about the doc though.”

“Don’t call him that,” Jax said quietly.

Rhys glanced at him but didn’t question him on it. “Heard you guys had some trouble in town last week. You should have let me know.”

“So you could do what exactly?”

Rhys shrugged. “Help keep an eye on things.” He glanced back at Dane momentarily. “I’m guessing that whatever’s going on between you two isn’t making things easier.”

“Anyone ever tell you you talk too much, Tellar?”

Rhys laughed and turned so he was leaning back against the fence. “I’ve heard it once or twice.” The man grew serious and his green eyes pinned Jax. “Dane’s proven himself to be a good friend to us, Jax. If he’s in trouble we need to know.”

“So you can do what? Bring that trouble to your door too? Haven’t your men suffered enough?”

At that, Rhys’ eyes sought out Callan who was holding the horse that Dane was examining. The big cowboy automatically looked up and sent Rhys a smile. Even over the long distance, the love the two men shared was clear as day and Jax felt a jolt of envy go through him. What would it be like to be connected to someone in that way?

“The sheriff said there were no leads,” Rhys said as he watched his lover for another long moment. He finally turned his attention back to Jax. “So what’s your plan?”

Jax sighed. “Same as it’s been all week. Stick by him and wait for them to make their next move.” Jax could tell the answer didn’t really satisfy Rhys.

Rhys rubbed his hand over the back of his neck, the nervous gesture putting Jax on alert. He doubted he was going to like what Rhys had to say next.

“I know you want to protect him, Jax. But what if you being here is doing more harm than good?”

Jax was glad he was holding Emma because he suspected if he hadn’t been he’d have Rhys on the ground by now. “Just spit it out, Tellar.”

“He’s not the same man he was before you got here. And don’t try to blame it on the fuckers stalking him because I saw it the day of the barn raising. It’s like being around you is taking a little more of him each day.”

“Go to hell, Rhys,” Jax snapped, the truth of Rhys’ words hitting too close to home. He tried to step around the man but Rhys put his hand out.

“Wait, just hear me out, please.” Jax stopped his forward motion and Rhys continued. “I owe you everything, Jax. You didn’t have to take that information to the district attorney to get the charges against me dismissed and you sure as hell didn’t have to come all the way out here to bring me the evidence I need to clear my name. The fact that you did it anyway tells me what a good man you are. But the reality is that you’re still just passing through, right?”

Rhys fell silent and shook his head. “Shit, I’m completely fucking this up.” He finally sighed and softly said, “Just don’t hurt him, Jax. He’s already lost too much.”

With that Rhys turned and walked away, leaving Jax to mull over his words as his eyes once again sought out Dane. His heart stopped when Dane looked up at him at the same moment and their gazes connected. Time stood still for a few long seconds and then Dane was turning his attention back to the horse. There’d been no look of longing or contentment like there’d been between Rhys and Callan. No, all that was in Dane’s eyes was pain and Jax knew that Rhys was right – he was the cause.

“How about this one? It’s about ladybugs.” Dane let Emma hold the thin, colorful book as he grabbed the stack of books he’d amassed from his search of the small children’s section of the local bookshop. He made his way towards the checkout counter, his eyes briefly glancing at Jax where the man stood on alert by the front door. The ever present combination of need and longing went through him and he forced himself to look away.

It had been nearly two weeks since he’d been assaulted and there’d been no developments or leads in the case. And it had been two weeks of the worst kind of torture – being in the constant presence of the one man he could never touch or feel or taste again. The one man who made him wish for things he couldn’t have…couldn’t be.

“Here, you dropped this.”

Dane was so distracted it took him several moments before he realized the deep, rich voice was directed at him. He turned to see the man behind him in line holding out the ladybug book that Emma had dropped at some point.

“Uh, thanks,” he said as he maneuvered Emma in one arm, the stack of books in the other.

“Why don’t I hang on to these for you till we get up to the register?” the guy suggested as he carefully took the books from Dane.

“Thanks,” Dane said as he did a quick once over of the man. There was something oddly familiar about him. He was quite good looking with rugged features, dark blonde hair and hazel eyes. He looked to be about Dane’s age though his build was more like Jax’s.

“No problem. How old is your little girl?”

“Almost seven months.”

“She’s adorable. What’s her name?”

“Emma. I’m Dane, by the way,” he said as he reached his hand out. The guy managed to maneuver both his pile of books and Dane’s into one arm so he could return the shake.

“I’m Gray.”

Dane hesitated, then shook his head slightly as he finally recognized the man. “Gray Hawthorne, the writer?”

The guy looked around as if checking to see if anyone else had heard Dane talking and Dane instantly felt bad for how loud he’d said it. “Sorry,” he said more quietly.

“It’s okay. Just trying to keep a low profile,” Gray said.

“Right,” Dane said as he remembered the scandal Gray had become caught up in recently. Dane wasn’t big on Hollywood gossip but even he’d seen the headlines. “What brings you to Dare?” he asked.

“Just a little R and R. I bought a cabin out here a few years ago and I finally have some time to use it.”

“Well, needless to say, I’m a big fan.”

Gray glanced at the ladybug book on the top of Dane’s pile of books. “I see that.”

Dane laughed and he was surprised by how good it felt. The line moved forward and Gray placed Dane’s books on the counter. “I hope this doesn’t seem too presumptuous, Mr. Hawthorne…”

“Please, call me Gray.”

“Right, Gray. Would you like to come over to our place for dinner tonight?”

“Everything okay here?” Jax interrupted and Dane didn’t need to turn around to hear the anger simmering in his voice.

“Jax, this is Gray. He’s new in town. Gray, this is Jax. He’s a friend visiting from out of town. Jax, I was just asking Gray if he wanted to join us for dinner.”

Dane flinched at the coldness in Jax’s eyes as he considered Gray. “Not sure that’s a good idea,” Jax said.

Before Dane could say anything, Gray turned his eyes back on Dane and said, “I’d love to.” He pulled out his cell phone and punched in a couple of buttons. “Give me your number and I’ll text you for the time and address.” His eyes went back to Jax, the challenge clear. Shit, what the hell had he just stirred up?

Dane took the phone and put in his number before handing it back. The clerk rang up his purchases and he was keenly aware of the two big men sizing each other up behind him as he paid the bill. When he turned around, Jax suddenly reached for Emma. “We should get going,” he snapped as he turned away.

“Sorry about that,” Dane offered as Gray put his books up on the counter. “He’s a bit protective.”

“I don’t blame him,” Gray said cryptically as he gave Dane a genuine smile before reaching out his hand. “See you tonight…unless you end up needing to cancel,” Gray said, his eyes flashing to where Jax was waiting impatiently by the door.

Dane shook his hand, briefly hoping he felt some kind of connection with the man he now knew was gay since Gray had come out early on in his writing career. But there was nothing and his heart sank as he realized why. “See you later.”

Dane reached the door and watched as Jax put Emma in her car seat. Even as the man worked, his gaze kept looking all around them, watching for some threat. Jax finished getting Emma strapped in, then shut the door.

“Jax,” Dane began to say.

“Don’t, Dane. Just don’t,” Jax snapped as he waited for Dane to get in the passenger seat before he got behind the wheel. The ride home was made in complete silence. Even Emma seemed to sense the tension in the air because she quietly played with the toys attached to her car seat. When they arrived back at his house, Jax did the usual check of all the rooms before letting Dane and Emma inside. Dane was getting Emma unbuckled when Jax stomped past him and said, “I’m going to go work on the barn for a while.”

The side door slammed shut and within a minute there was the rhythmic pounding of metal on wood. Dane pulled Emma out of the seat and cuddled her against his chest. He needed to figure something out soon because he couldn’t take much more of this. It was time to let Jax go for good.

***

Jax hated the guy. Fucking hated him.

Gray Hawthorne was a very good looking man and from the range of conversation he and Dane had had all through dinner, he was a smart and charming one too. Jax hadn’t recognized the man or his name until Dane started showing Gray a stack of books in the bookshelf in the living room. It was then that Jax realized the man was a well-known author and he remembered seeing articles about his most recent detective series being turned into a movie. There’d been some kind of scandal involving Gray and the man set to star in the film, a well-known Hollywood actor. By the look of things, whatever Gray had going on with the actor couldn’t have been all that important since the guy was fawning all over Dane.

Dane laughed again at something Gray said and Jax felt his insides knot. Two fucking weeks and Dane hadn’t said more than a dozen words to him. The only time they spoke was when Dane said he needed to go somewhere. He’d tried talking to Dane the morning after his admission about deliberately breaking the mirror, but the man had staunchly kept silent.

They spent their days working quietly around the property with Jax tearing down the rest of the barn and Dane working inside the building behind the house in preparation for getting his veterinary practice going. Dinner was always quick and quiet and Dane disappeared into his bedroom after putting Emma down for the night. Jax had been feeling wracked with guilt since his conversation with Rhys about him being the cause of Dane’s pain, but seeing him so open and free with Gray had Jax wanting to put his hand through the nearest wall. Fearing he would do just that, Jax pushed the plate with his untouched food aside and stood up and left the kitchen. The remnants of Dane’s barn were calling his name.

***

Dane flinched every time he heard the sledgehammer make contact with the wood. The sun had just started falling behind the clouds on the horizon when Dane had glanced out the window to see that Jax had finished tearing the last of the barn’s supporting structure down. Dane had gone up to put Emma to bed and had returned to sit in the kitchen to wait for Jax to come in. That had been forty-five minutes ago.

Dane stood up to look out the window once more. He could only see Jax’s outline but there was enough light from the motion activated floodlights that Jax had installed to see that Jax was breaking down some of the bigger pieces of wood. The man had been going non-stop for nearly two hours and Dane knew he had to be hurting from the exertion. Grabbing the baby monitor, he headed outside. He had no doubt that Jax heard him coming, but the man didn’t turn around or slow down.

“Jax, it’s late. Come inside.”

Jax continued to ignore him so Dane reached for the sledge hammer on Jax’s next downward strike. His arm wrenched at the power that was still behind the force of the swing but Jax stopped the motion before Dane got seriously hurt. Jax ripped the sledge hammer from him, his chest heaving as his cold eyes latched onto Dane. A ripple of fear went through Dane at how calm the man was and he was instantly transported back to the day of the fire when Jax had shot Rollins.

“Jax,” Dane started to say but snapped his mouth shut when Jax threw the sledge hammer to the ground and stalked back to the house.

“We need to talk,” Dane said when he caught up to Jax inside of the kitchen where Jax was drinking down the entire contents of a bottle of water.

“You’ve had two weeks to talk to me, Dane. We’re not going to start now just because you feel like it.”

“Things need to change.”

“They already have,” was all Jax said as he headed for the stairs.

Dane grabbed him by the arm. “What does that mean?”

“Some guys will be here in the morning to install an alarm system. Rhys got back from Chicago this afternoon so starting tomorrow he’s going to keep an eye on things and take you to town when you need to go.”

Dane realized what Jax hadn’t said. “You’re leaving?”

Jax didn’t answer. He just pulled his arm free and went up the stairs. Dane waited for that feeling of relief that was supposed to surge through him at the knowledge that he would soon be free of the torment that being around Jax brought. But it didn’t come. Instead there was a crushing, physical pain in his chest and he actually had to sit down on the stairs and wait for it to pass. What the hell was wrong with him? He was getting his life back. In less than twelve hours it would be him and Emma again and they could get back to the life he’d brought them here to live. In a few short weeks he’d be in a position to open his practice. He’d have his career and his daughter. That was enough…it was supposed to be enough.

***

Jax had just managed to pull his boxers on after his quick shower when the door to his room was thrown open. Dane stood there, baby monitor in hand, eyes wide, almost frantic looking.

“Out,” Jax said, his fury like a living thing beneath his skin. He was done letting this man tear him apart.

Instead of leaving, Dane moved into the room and closed the door. He walked past Jax and carefully put the baby monitor on the nightstand. Then his trembling fingers went to the hem of his shirt and in one quick motion it was over his head and off.

The sight of Dane’s beautiful chest actually had Jax moving before he caught himself. “Get the fuck out, Dane!” Jax nearly yelled, remembering at the last minute that Emma was asleep one room over.

Dane ignored his outburst and reached for the button on his jeans. Jax was on him in three strides and grabbed his arm. He yanked him towards the door with every intention of throwing him out but Dane fought him and somehow Jax ended up pressed back against the door as Dane’s hand snaked down his shorts and grabbed his erection. The feel of the warm, rough palm encircling him made Jax pause in his efforts and that was all it took for Dane to pull free and drop to his knees. It was on the tip of Jax’s tongue to tell Dane no but then that lush mouth was pulling him in and sucking him down.

“Jesus,” Jax whispered as gentle fingers caressed his balls while his entire cock was bathed in wet heat. He looked down to see Dane’s nose pressed up against his groin and he groaned when Dane swallowed around him. Dane hung there for several long seconds before pulling back up. His eyes looked up to search out Jax’s before sucking him all the way back in. Jax knew he should stop this – he should grab Dane by the hair and force him to stop because the only place this would lead would cause more pain for both of them. So he did grab Dane’s hair, but instead of pulling him off, he held the other man in place as he mercilessly pushed his dick further down Dane’s throat.

“Is this what you want?” he asked harshly as he fucked in and out of Dane’s willing mouth. In response, Dane relaxed his jaw and caressed him with his tongue on every pass and the fingers holding his balls moved up to palm his ass. Dane gagged as Jax pushed in further and Jax waited to see if the man would finally cry uncle. But instead, Dane’s grip on Jax’s ass tightened and he held Jax there as Dane fought his gag reflex.

Dane’s acquiescence did nothing to ease Jax’s anger and he finally grabbed Dane’s jaw and forced him to release his hold on his cock. Jax held him there for a long moment as he tried to force the words out that would drive Dane away once and for all. One swipe at Dane’s insecurity about his looks was all it would take. Instead, Jax yanked Dane up and crushed their mouths together. The kiss was brutal, cruel even, but Dane took it all, his moans of pleasure evidence that he didn’t have a problem with the rough treatment.

Jax ripped his mouth free and shoved Dane away. “You want a quick fuck, you can get it from your new boyfriend. I’m not interested.”

“Your body says otherwise,” Dane said as he once again reached for the button on his pants. The zipper was next and the sound had Jax’s dick hardening further. Pre-come leaked from the head and he saw Dane actually lick his lips at the sight. Jax closed the distance between them and grabbed Dane by the throat.