Finding Trust (Finding Series, Book 2) (10 page)

“Will you tell me about your brother?”

Dane saw Jax stiffen and he wished the question back. The other man had been sullen and quiet since their interlude on the couch and it was throwing Dane off. He’d asked Jax to join him in the shower but Jax had made an excuse about needing to make a phone call and had disappeared outside. He’d reappeared and helped Dane make dinner but even that had been done mostly in silence. Dane was struggling with his neediness to ask Jax if he’d done something wrong so finding another topic of conversation seemed like the prudent thing to do and he really wanted to know more about Jax’s life.

“What do you want to know?”

“Was he older? Younger? Do you have any other brothers or sisters?”

Jax finished the last bit of food on his plate, then took over spoon feeding Emma in her high chair so Dane could work on his dinner. “Ben was younger but only by a minute. We were twins. Fraternal, not identical,” he clarified.

“Our sister Jillian is a lot younger – she turned out to be a pleasant surprise for our parents who’d been told they wouldn’t be able to have any more kids after Ben and I were born.”

“Are your parents still…?”

“Alive? Yeah. They live in Connecticut in the house we grew up in. Jillian’s completing her last year of graduate school in Rhode Island.”

“Do you get home to see them a lot?”

Jax fell silent for a moment before saying, “Not as much as I probably should. It’s been harder since we lost Ben.”

Dane wished he could reach out and touch Jax but Jax’s earlier withdrawal kept him from doing it.

“Did Ben always know he wanted to go into law enforcement?” Dane asked.

Jax nodded. “We both did. We were the type of twins who did everything together, even after we were old enough to make our own choices. We joined the army together, then the FBI Training Academy. We finally went our separate ways when he decided to move to Chicago and I went to South America.”

“You’re an FBI agent?” Dane asked in surprise and realized he hadn’t taken the time until now to really learn more about this man who’d become so important to him in such a small amount of time. “I thought you worked for a security company?”

“I do. I left the Bureau about a year ago when I realized they weren’t going to do anything about Rawlings,” Jax responded, his tone going cold.

“You said they were doing surveillance on Rawlings,” Dane said.

“Not to get him for his role in what happened to Ben and the others. They wanted the dealer he sold the information to and once they had that guy they were going to offer him immunity so he’d roll on his suppliers. They had no plans to prosecute anyone for the murders and they had no issue with leaving Rhys in prison to rot.”

“I’m sorry, Jax.”

“My friend got me some contract work for the security company he worked for.” Jax refused to meet his gaze when he said, “I used the time between contacts to come up with my own plan for justice for Ben and the others. I spent months traveling back and forth to Chicago to monitor Rawlings and learn as much about him as I could. His movements, his tastes. After I got what I needed from him, I asked a friend at the FBI to leak the transcripts of the surveillance to the press so the Bureau would be forced to go after the dealer for the murders, but not until I made sure the dealer found out Rawlings had double-crossed him. The dealer took care of Rawlings, the Bureau took care of the dealer.” Jax finished feeding Emma and used her bib to wipe her mouth. He leaned down to give her a kiss and smiled when she grabbed his face with her messy hands.

Dane couldn’t stop himself from getting up and going around the table. Jax looked up at him curiously but didn’t pull away from him when he leaned down to kiss him. “You’re an amazing man, Jaxon Reid,” Dane said as he pressed another kiss to his lips and then used his thumb to wipe away some of the baby food that was stuck to his cheek. “How about we go for a swim?”

***

Dane leaned back against a tree and watched Jax play with Emma in the water. Jax was up to his waist in the cool, clear water in the small pond just a few hundred yards from the house. He’d only agreed to take Emma in the water if Dane stayed on shore and kept Jax’s gun handy. The weapon sat next to Dane where he could easily grab it if he needed to, but it was a stark reminder of just how different his and Jax’s lives were and the pipe dream he had of being able to have a life with Jax was just that.

At this very moment Jax looked happier and more relaxed than Dane had ever seen him, but Dane still caught him checking their surroundings every couple of minutes. Dane knew Jax did it for his and Emma’s sake and he was grateful, but this was also who Jax was and Dane knew the protective man wouldn’t be able to give up watching out for others. Dane had nothing that could compete with the adrenaline rush that was the other man’s life every day.

Dane knew the prudent thing to do would be to get Jax out of his life sooner rather than later but he also knew in his gut that he wasn’t going to let Jax go until he absolutely had to. It would likely end up breaking him but at least he’d have the time they spent together to look back on.

“You going back in?” Jax asked as he came out of the water. Dane admired the way his wet jeans clung to him.

“No, I’m good.”

Jax handed him Emma and then pocketed the gun and grabbed his shirt. As they began to walk back to the house, Dane felt the sudden urge to grab Jax’s hand but he didn’t because that’s what couples did and couples were people who had a future together.

“You okay?” Jax asked.

Dane nodded. “Who’d you call earlier today?” he asked.

“My friend at the security firm. I asked him to have our tech people check your phone again for anything unusual.”

The reminder that Jax was only here for one reason was brutal but Dane pushed the painful thought away. “Maybe it really was a carjacking and the rest was just some weird coincidence.”

“Maybe,” Jax agreed.

They both fell silent and Dane felt the tension returning between them. But he couldn’t bring himself to ask Jax what was going on so instead he said, “Will you do something for me, Jax?”

“Anything,” Jax responded. God, how Dane wished that were true.

“Whenever you’re ready to move on, just go. Don’t draw it out or make excuses. I’m a big boy and I know this has to end sometime. Just please don’t lie to me.”

Dane hid his disappointment when all he got in response was a non-committal grunt. He left Jax inside the front door and went to the bathroom to give Emma a quick bath. The little girl’s exhaustion was clear because she didn’t make the usual fuss about getting out of the tub and her eyes were closed by the time Dane got her into her pajamas and put her in her crib. He left Emma’s room and saw that Jax’s door was closed. A clear message if he’d ever seen one.

Dane went into his room and closed the door, then came to a stop when he saw Jax leaning against the bedpost. “We need to get a few things straight,” he said angrily.

***

Jax stalked to where Dane stood and grabbed him by the arm and dragged him over to the bed. He pushed Dane onto it and followed him down so that his greater weight held Dane in place for their chat. “That’s twice now that you’ve implied that I’m only here because I have to be. Tell me why.”

“Jax, let me up,” Dane ordered.

“Not until you talk to me.”

“Let me up!” Dane said again, his voice cracking as his anger started to take hold.

Jax pinned Dane’s arms when he tried to push him off. “Tell me what happened between this morning and tonight that has you questioning my intentions already.”

“No.”

“Was it the sex? Was I too rough?” Jax asked as he ran the events of the day through his mind. “Did I hurt you?”

“Let go of me, Jax.”

“Please, Dane, talk to me.”

Dane closed his eyes and turned his head away. “You wouldn’t speak to me,” he whispered.

Jax felt like Dane had punched him and he realized how his actions after they’d made love on the couch must have seemed to someone who’d been so coldly betrayed by a man he trusted – a man who’d claimed to love him.

“Dane, I’m sorry,” he started to say but Dane began to struggle beneath him.

“Let go!” he shouted and Jax hoped to hell he hadn’t woken Emma up because Jax wasn’t about to let this go.

“Damn it, just listen!” Jax yelled as he tightened his grip on Dane’s arms. “I realized this afternoon that I’m in love with you!” Dane went completely still beneath him. “And I’m scared to death because it’s never happened to me before. I needed some time to try and wrap my head around it.”

“Jax,” Dane began but Jax stopped his words with a kiss.

He pulled back and said, “You don’t need to say it back. But I need you to stop punishing me for what Isaac did to you.”

“I haven’t-”

“You compared me to him last night. Do you remember?”

Dane shook his head.

“After your nightmare you said he was a lot like me.” Jax loosened his hold on Dane as the man quieted. “I think you see him whenever you look at me and my guess is that at some point in your relationship he used your insecurities against you and you’re waiting for me to do the same thing.”

“I loved him,” Dane whispered.

“Oh baby, I know that. And he was a lucky man but he should have done better by you.” Jax couldn’t resist leaning down and kissing Dane again. Some of the tension drained out of him when Dane kissed him back and he released his hold on the other man completely and was rewarded with two strong arms wrapping around his shoulders.

“I can’t make you trust me, Dane. But I’m going to trust you not to break my heart the way Isaac broke yours.”

Jax sat up, pulling Dane up with him. “I need you, Dane. I need you inside of me,” he said softly as he began tugging Dane’s shirt off. Dane hesitated for a moment, then reached for Jax and kissed him hard. He let Dane guide him down to the bed and relished the feel of Dane’s weight pressing him into the mattress. Firm lips traced his jawline and trailed a path down his neck. Fingers pushed his shirt up to reveal his stomach and a hot tongue began exploring him.

“Take it off,” Dane mumbled as he pushed Jax’s shirt higher. Jax fumbled with the garment as Dane continued tormenting him with his teeth and tongue and when Dane’s hot, wet mouth closed over his nipple, Jax moaned and grabbed Dane’s head to keep him there. The same attention was given to the other side and then Dane was closing his mouth over Jax’s again. Dane reared back and worked the rest of Jax’s clothes off. As he crawled back up the length of Jax’s body, Jax spread his legs to make room for him and sighed when the fabric of Dane’s jeans brushed over his sensitive cock.

Jax closed his eyes and just enjoyed the sensation of being loved. Dane left no place on him untouched and when he finally reached Jax’s cock he worshipped every inch of it before drawing the entire length deep into his mouth. Jax managed to open his eyes long enough to watch Dane bobbing up and down on him as his cheeks hollowed over and over again and he couldn’t help but reach his hand down and close it over the hand Dane had splayed across his abdomen. Dane instantly intertwined their fingers.

“Dane, I’m close,” Jax managed to get out as Dane increased his suction. His words had no impact and before he could say anything else, Dane was swallowing around his length as a finger brushed over his hole. Jax cried out as his orgasm caught him off guard and he watched Dane swallow his release. His body melted from the pleasure and he felt drained as Dane released him and climbed up his body. When Dane kissed him, Jax eagerly licked the remaining proof of his orgasm from Dane’s lips.

Dane leaned back and traced his fingers around Jax’s mouth and then dragged his thumb over his lips. “It’s too much,” he whispered as he met Jax’s gaze. Jax had no idea what he meant and didn’t get to ask because Dane began kissing him again, then sat up and worked the remainder of his clothes off. Jax pulled the lube and a condom out of the nightstand.

“Jax,” Dane said, a fine tremor shaking through his voice.

“Yeah?”

“I’ve only done this a couple times,” he said. “I haven’t been with many men and most of them didn’t want me to…”

“I want this, Dane. I’ve been dreaming about it since the first time you kissed me.”

Dane looked taken aback and it was yet another reminder that between his father and the men in his life, Dane’s self-confidence had taken a brutal hit. Dane leaned over him and brushed a soft kiss over his lips.

“Don’t let me hurt you, Jax,” he whispered and Jax couldn’t help but wonder if Dane was referring to the present moment or what would come tomorrow. Jax didn’t have much time to consider it as Dane rolled him to his stomach and a big hand held him open as slick fingers began probing his hole. He bit into his lip to stifle his moan as a finger pressed inside of him. Bottoming hadn’t been something he’d done often but he hadn’t lied when he’d said he dreamed of Dane doing this to him. More lube was worked into his body and the sting intensified as little starbursts of pleasure began to dance behind his eyes. A second finger joined the first and Dane flicked his wrist, twisting the probing digits.