Finding Trust (Finding Series, Book 2) (12 page)

Jax shook his head slowly as he reached out to run his fingers through Dane’s hair. “Don’t you get it yet, Dane?” Jax leaned down and kissed him. “The life I had before you and Emma is what can’t compete.”

***

“Morning.”

Dane jumped at the strange voice and then remembered Jax’s friend. The man was sitting in the same exact spot at the kitchen table as the night before with yet another cup of coffee in front of him.

“Morning,” Dane returned. “It’s Cade, right?” The man nodded and his penetrating gaze had Dane shifting uncomfortably. “Jax is still asleep.”

“There’s coffee,” he said as he motioned to the pot. The last thing Dane wanted to do was try to have a friendly chat with the gorgeous stranger who’d witnessed his complete humiliation yesterday. The one who was even now judging him and likely finding him lacking.

“Thanks.” He had no idea why he was thanking the guy for the coffee from his own damn coffee maker but what else was he supposed to say? What he really wanted to know was what the man was doing here. And to his shame, he really wanted to know what the man was to Jax. Friends meant different things to different people. “Did Jax ask you to come?”

“Not in so many words,” Cade answered non-committedly.

What the hell did that mean? Dane forced a sip of coffee down and studied the other man. The guy was fucking huge, taller than Jax even and oozed confidence and power. A navy blue T-shirt hugged his ripped torso and his thick thighs bulged against his tight jeans. He saw a tattoo peeking out underneath one sleeve and another at the base of his neck.

“Jax said you work for the same security company in Seattle?” Dane said, hoping to get the conversation onto an easy topic – one that wouldn’t have Cade looking at him like he was a bug he wanted to stomp with his huge combat boot.

Cade nodded. “Barretti Security Group.”

“What kind of work do you do?”

“Personal protection mostly. Some PI stuff. The firm specializes in information security too but Jax and I focus on the protection side of things.” Cade took a long, slow sip of his coffee before saying, “It’s a good fit for Jax because he’s always had a thing for protecting those that were weaker than him.”

Dane didn’t miss the dig but he wasn’t about to take the bait. “How long have you known him?”

“A while. He and Ben and I served together in Iraq. It was their first deployment, my second. We connected again after I finished my third tour. Jax was doing some undercover work for the Bureau in South America.”

“What kind of work?”

“His unit focused mostly on human trafficking.”

Dane shuddered at the horrible things Jax must have witnessed. “Jesus,” he whispered.

“He was undercover for two years. Helped break up an entire syndicate that was worth hundreds of millions of dollars. Saved countless lives.”

Dane leaned back against the counter and felt his insides go numb because he realized the direction Cade was heading.

“You know the kind of fortitude it takes to live a lie for two years? To pretend to be something you’re not and have your life depend on being able to maintain that lie?”

Dane nearly laughed because he did know. He’d been pretending since the day he walked out of his parents’ house that he was everything they said he wasn’t. But the few men he’d been with had seen through him and wielded his self-doubt like a weapon against him. And near the end with Isaac he’d been willing to twist himself into anything Isaac wanted to keep his love, but even that hadn’t been enough. And now his desire to be enough for Jax was causing him to implode.

“Two years and he didn’t break. Not once. But you. You managed to break him in less than a week,” Cade said coldly. Dane flinched at the anger he heard in the other man’s voice. “He told me you thought he was shit.”

Dane felt tears sting his eyes. He knew Jax had felt that way because Jax had admitted it. It had been foolish to think that Dane could be forgiven for inflicting such cruelty on the man. It had been foolish to think a lot of things.

“He deserves better than you,” Cade muttered in disgust.

“Cade!”

Dane didn’t bother to lift his head at the sound of Jax’s voice. But he did step in front of Jax when he started to go after his friend.

“Don’t.” He let his hand rest on Jax’s chest. “Just don’t.” He glanced over his shoulder at Cade who’d stood at Jax’s advance. “Would you give us a minute, please?”

Cade kicked the chair aside and stormed out the back door.

“Dane,” Jax started to say but Dane put his thumb on Jax’s lips to silence him. He trailed his finger over Jax’s mouth.

“Do you remember when you said you were trusting me not to break your heart?”

Jax nodded.

“I wanted so badly to tell you that I wouldn’t, but I knew it was something I couldn’t promise. Give your trust to someone who’s earned it, Jax. Love someone who’s worthy of you. We both know I’m not that man.”

Dane tried to step past Jax but wasn’t surprised when Jax grabbed him. He expected the man to yell at him or curse him or flat out refuse to let him go but instead he heard, “Do you love me, Dane?” The fingers biting into his arms loosened and moved up to hold his face. “Tell me the truth.”

Jax held his head so he couldn’t look away. He wasn’t even sure he managed to get the word out until he saw Jax’s eyes widen with pain and then those big hands were releasing him. Jax stepped out of his way and Dane allowed himself one final look at the beautiful man as he left the kitchen, grabbing his car keys as he went. He could now add liar to his long list of deficiencies.

No.

Agony pierced Jax’s chest as he crumpled into the nearest chair. He would have bet his life that Dane would have answered his question with a yes and that’s all he would have needed. The rest was just noise that he would have found a way to work through with Dane. He’d been willing to fight for as long as it took to show Dane that he was here to stay, but if Dane didn’t share his feelings than what difference would it make?

“I heard his car leave.”

All the rage he’d felt towards Cade when he heard his friend disparaging his lover had faded and he was left with a sense of betrayal unlike any he’d ever known.

“Why?” he managed to choke out as Cade leaned back against the refrigerator.

“The guy’s fucked up, Jax!”

Jax reared out of the chair and slammed his fist into Cade’s jaw. Cade managed to catch himself before he fell.

“I’m in love with him you fucking asshole!”

Cade stroked a hand over his jaw. “He thinks he’s better than you. You said so yourself!”

“Jesus, fucking Christ!” Jax shouted as he turned away from Cade before he did something to his friend that he’d truly regret. “I told you that two weeks ago. Did it ever occur to you that things might have changed since then?”

Cade pushed off the refrigerator, his eyes flashing. “You called me two days ago and I heard it in your fucking voice even then, Jax! And it’s not like he was standing here defending how he felt about you!”

“That’s because you did what every other man in his life has done to him. You sought out his insecurities and you exploited them! His father, his lovers, even his fucking husband messed with his head for years by telling him he wasn’t good enough and you just did the same goddamn thing! And what you heard in my voice was me trying to deal with the fact that I was in love with someone for the first time in my life and scared shitless that he might not love me back.”

“But yesterday…”

“Yesterday happened because I pushed him too hard! He was trying to please me and I got upset because I didn’t want him making decisions based on what he thought I wanted. And instead of talking to him about it I walked away!”

Cade opened his mouth to say something then promptly snapped it shut again. He went pale and began searching his pockets for his beloved cigarettes – the ones he’d given up months ago. It had always been Cade’s tell and Jax realized his friend was finally registering what he’d done.

“Where would he go?” Cade asked. “Maybe I can talk to him…”

Jax sighed and sank down into one of the chairs. “Just go home, Cade.”

“No, I can fix this…”

“He doesn’t want me. If he did he would have fought for me…for us.”

Cade sank down in the chair across from him. Cade had always been an indomitable force of nature who bulldozed his way through life and took what he wanted so it was strange to see him so dazed.

“What are you going to do?” Cade asked quietly.

“What I should have done from the beginning. My job.”

***

“Hey, how’s it going?” Callan asked as Dane got out of his SUV. “Rhys and Finn are still up at the house with Emma.”

Callan must have sensed Dane’s agitation because he put down the saddle he’d been about to place on his horse. “What’s going on?”

Dane paced the small barn aisle until he felt Callan’s strong hand closing over his shoulder and pressing him back against one of the stall doors. “Talk to me, Dane.”

“Did Jax tell you what happened yesterday? What I did?”

“He just said something came up and asked us to keep an eye on Emma for you for the night.” Callan’s calm voice was soothing and Dane felt himself marginally relax.

“I have a favor to ask.”

“Okay.”

“Can Emma and I stay here for a little while? In the house next to yours?”

“Of course.”

Dane waited for the inevitable questions but they didn’t come and he knew by looking at Callan that it wasn’t because he didn’t care. It was in the quiet man’s nature not to push – it was what made him so good with the abused and neglected horses he often worked with.

“How about we go for a ride?” Callan said.

Dane really wanted to see Emma but Callan had picked up on his need to get himself under control. He managed a nod and within ten minutes he was sitting on Kirby’s back, the old Pinto moving at a snail’s pace next to Callan’s mount who fidgeted nervously.

“Why did you wait so long to tell Finn you loved him?” Dane heard himself asking before he realized how inappropriate the question was. He started to apologize for even asking it but Callan cut him off.

“Because I was afraid of what I’d lose.”

“Your family?”

Callan nodded. “But it was more than that. I didn’t think Finn would love me if I abandoned my family for a life with him. And I knew I couldn’t ask him to give up his future for a half-life with me.”

“Stuck between a rock and a hard place,” Dane observed dryly.

“That’s what I thought at the time. But I realize now it was Finn’s choice to make, not mine. He loved me despite my flaws - real or imagined - and it should have been his choice whether or not he wanted to make a life with me.”

Dane fell silent as he remembered how Jax had said he’d love him no matter what he did. He tried to think back to his early years with Isaac and couldn’t remember a time where the man who would be his husband had said anything beyond ‘I love you.’ Whenever Dane had started to feel needy and insecure, Isaac had been dismissive at best – had told Dane he was being ridiculous. But Jax had called him on it and talked it out instead of brushing him off.

“Callan, I need you to do something else for me,” Dane said.

Callan must have heard the seriousness in his tone because he pulled his horse to a halt and Kirby automatically stopped too.

“I need to know that you guys will look out for Emma if something happens to me.”

Callan tensed and his horse shifted. He automatically put a hand on the animal’s neck to soothe it. “Tell me what’s going on, Dane.”

Dane dragged in a breath and then told Callan about the incident the day before with the mirror.

“That’s why I need to stay here. I can’t risk Emma being alone with me if something like that happens again.”

Callan looked at him long and hard and then he shook his head. But instead of answering Dane, he asked, “What happened between you and Jax?”

Dane pulled his eyes away from Callan’s and scanned the valley ahead of them. “It’s not going to work out.”

“I saw the way he looked at you. He’s in love with you.”

Dane closed his eyes as a wave of pain went through him. “Will you be there for Emma or not?” When Callan didn’t answer, Dane felt the last of his energy drain out of him and he picked up Kirby’s reins with the intent to steer the horse back to the barn. Callan leaned down and grabbed the horse’s bridal.

“We will always be there for Emma. And you. But don’t for one second ask me to believe you would ever hurt that kid,” Callan said harshly.

Completely done, Dane climbed off the horse. He had no idea how long of a walk it was back to the barn but he really didn’t give a shit.

“You’re one of the bravest men I know, Dane. So why are you running away?”

A harsh laugh escaped Dane and he spun around on his heel. Callan had dismounted as well and was just a few steps behind him, leading the two horses. “Brave? Are you fucking kidding me?”

“Strong too.”

Dane’s gut clenched at the words and he felt tears sting his eyes. “Not you too, Callan.”

“Not me what?”

Dane shook his head. “Don’t you lie to me too.”

“Is that what you think Jax is doing? Lying to you?”

Dane turned and began walking again.

“Do you?” Callan nearly shouted.

“I don’t know, okay? I don’t fucking know.”

“You want to know why I think you’re brave?” Callan called.

Dane stopped but didn’t turn.

“The day of the shooting.”

“I froze,” Dane automatically said. “I couldn’t do anything.”

He felt Callan come to a stop behind him. “That’s not true. There was a point where I was calling for you because Finn was down and I saw you look at your daughter and then Finn and I knew. I knew how badly you wanted to go to her. But you chose Finn.”

“He needed me.”

“But you needed Emma.”

It was true. He’d never needed anything more in that moment then to hold his child.

“And you had to have been scared shitless trying to help Finn but you took charge and you did it. The doctors said the bullet nicked an artery and if you hadn’t clamped it…” Callan’s voice grew thick with emotion. “You saved his life, Dane.”

“I did what anyone with the right training would have done,” he said quietly.

“You saved his life,” Callan repeated firmly. “Rhys told me what you did in the hardware store for him and Finn. How many people stood around and watched that clerk treat Finn and Rhys like dirt? You stepped up when you didn’t have to.”

Dane fell silent as his insides churned.

“And my God, Dane, you’re raising a baby by yourself. And she’s happy, Dane – she’s happy because you’ve loved her so well.”

He felt Callan take his hand and put Kirby’s reins in it. “Don’t make the same mistake I did. If you love him, trust him to choose the life he wants. Maybe he’ll choose you, maybe he won’t. But know that you’re strong enough to deal with whatever he decides.”

***

“Rhys, we’re fine. Go get what you need,” Dane said as he got Emma out of the car seat.

“You’ll stay in the bookstore?”

“Yes,” Dane said with an exasperated sigh. As much as he appreciated Rhys taking the time to play bodyguard for the last two weeks, he was growing tired of the hovering.

“I’ll be five minutes,” Rhys promised.

“We’ll be here.”

Rhys gave him another hard look before turning and heading down the sidewalk towards the sheriff’s station.

“Dr. Winters, how are you this fine morning?” he heard Harriet Greene say from behind him.

“Good, Mrs. Greene. How are you?”

“I’m off to feed my babies,” she responded as she held up a bag of bread. He must have looked confused because she said, “Don’t look at me like I should be taking tours of the nearest funny farm. Ducks, Dr. Winters. I’m off to feed the ducks.”

“Right,” he said with a smile.

“Emma, would you like to come see the ducks?” Mrs. Greene cooed as she held out her arms.

Dane hesitated even as Emma reached for the woman.

“No worries, Doctor. You’ll be able to see us the whole time from the window,” she said as she motioned to the small park in the town square across from the bookstore. He could see a few people milling about and sitting on benches and there was a small flock of ducks along with their babies near the edge of the water.

“I’ll just be a few minutes,” he said as he handed Emma over.

“No rush,” Mrs. Greene said dismissively as she walked across the street. Dane waited until she was sitting comfortably on a park bench surrounded by birds before he went into the bookstore. He went to the children’s section and started picking out a few more books, willing his brain not to drift to thoughts of Jax. He hadn’t seen the other man since the morning he’d told him he didn’t love him and left the house. By the time he had returned the next day to get some fresh clothes and some of Emma’s things, the house was eerily silent and the only proof that Jax had ever been there was the alarm that had been engaged when he walked in the door.

As each day passed, he kept hoping the painful need for Jax would ease and he could get on with his life but he was beginning to suspect the dull ache in his heart would be there until the day he died. And while he hadn’t heard his father’s cruel taunts or dreamed of Isaac’s lifeless eyes since he’d walked away from Jax, his torment hadn’t ended because now all he saw was Jax’s wide smile as he played with Emma. All he felt was the whisper of Jax’s gentle touch and all he heard were Jax’s declarations of love.

“Hey, Dane.”

Dane looked up at the sound of the familiar voice and nodded at Gray. “Hi.”

“No ladybugs today?” Gray asked as he glanced at the book Dane had been flipping through.

Dane laughed but it sounded hollow even to his own ears. “Not today.”

“Where’s Jax?”

A sharp pain went through him at the question and he knew he wouldn’t be able to answer so he just shook his head.

“Sorry,” Gray said gently. “Seemed like a smart guy.”

The jab actually irritated Dane and he said, “He is.”

“Not if he walked away from you, he isn’t,” Gray responded. “Let me know if you ever want to take me up on my dinner invite,” the man said as he began to walk away.

“Gray, I’m not looking to start anything up,” he said awkwardly.

Gray studied him for a moment before saying, “I knew that the second I saw the way you looked at him.” Gray smiled sadly and said, “Life’s too fucking short, Dane. Grab onto the things that mean the most to you and don’t let go.”