Finding You (19 page)

“Shit.” I slammed my palm against the wall again, for the pain he had caused and the pain I had caused. How was I any better than him?

“Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit.” Ugly, angry sobs racked my body as I slammed both of my hands against the wall one last time. As my knees buckled from underneath me, my body slowly slid down the wall, dragging my stinging palms with it.

Emotions I haven’t felt in years overcame me as I lay in a heap on the floor. Low’s voice was trying to cut through my loud, hard sobs.

Hate.

Guilt.

Heartbreak.

Nausea.

Nausea …

Shit.

Throwing my ringing hand over my mouth, I scrambled to the toilet, just in time to throw up the contents of my stomach. I wondered if I could throw up my heart? Maybe then I could see if it truly was broken, cracked, unfixable.

Bile burned my throat like liquid lava as I heaved into the bowl once more, letting the pain pour from my mouth violently. My heaving drowned out Low, who was now frantically banging on the bathroom door, threatening to kick the door in.

After finally being able to breathe without throwing up again, I placed my forehead against the cool toilet seat, using it to prop up my weak body, not sure if I was going to throw up again.

Somewhere between my forehead meeting the toilet seat and my breathing coming back to normal, I suddenly screamed. The sound of splintering wood and a large cracking sound made my stomach turn once more, turning my head to what was left of the bathroom door I found Tate staring at me wide-eyed.

“What’s wrong, baby girl?” Tate asked, his voice laced with concern as he made his way over to me. He stepped over pieces of wood that had been thrown across the bathroom from the sheer force of his foot.

I was still trying to process why the freaking bathroom door was now splintered into tiny pieces all over my bathroom floor. But Tate’s strong arms wrapped around my shoulders, throwing my thoughts of the door out of my mind as my body melted into my brothers.

Tate slowly sat on the floor, pulling me onto his lap as I placed my head on his chest. His arms acted like a cocoon as if he was shielding me, this was home. There was no talking, only the sound of my sobs as Tate rocked me slowly. It reminded me of the day I was rocking my mom that same way.

I didn’t know if it was minutes or hours that had passed when I felt Tate’s body tense, lifting my head I looked at him wondering what was wrong.

“My ass has gone numb.” He whispered, breaking an unexpected chuckle from my lips.

“Your shirt.” I said as I noticed tear stains in his crisp white shirt.

“It’s okay, I have others.” He replied, laying his cheek on top of my head as he stroked my hair away from my face.

Nodding, I melted back into my brother, noticing he still hadn’t moved even though he complained about his ass going numb. Tate’s chest rose and fell quickly against my cheek before he sighed.

“You’re not going to tell me, are you?” He asked, clearly saddened that whatever I was going through I couldn’t tell him.

“No.” I stated, as I slowly moved my weight from my brother’s lap and stood up on shaky legs. “But you don’t have to worry about me. I can take care of myself.”

“I know that, Neva, but you know you can talk to me about anything, right?” He asked, but I had to look away from him. What he just said wasn’t exactly true. I couldn’t tell him about Logan nor could I talk to him about dad.

Ever since dad died, Tate had just seemed to block it out. I don’t remember him ever crying. I just remember a child who grew up very quickly in a short space of time. Tate was my rock, but I could see he was close to crumbling. It seemed I was grieving for both of us.

“I know.” I nodded, trying not to break and tell my brother everything.

“Whatever it is, Neva, it will be okay.” He said as he got back on his feet, wincing as he rubbed his ass, trying to get some blood flow back.

I could only smile at him, if only he knew.

After an hour of reassuring Tate and Low that I was fine, they reluctantly left the dorm. I hadn’t told them about Logan but I had a feeling Low knew, her ‘we will talk later’ face told me all I needed to know.

Finally on my own, I fell on to my bed with a hard thud as I ran over the past 24 hours in my head. Logan’s hands, lips and body against mine; the way he touched me delicately, as if I was fragile and breakable. But the images of Logan’s naked body against mine was soon washed away when the memory of his face this morning took over. He had pleaded with me and declared his love for me and I couldn’t find the strength to tell him that I loved him too. But what was worse was that even when I was curled up in Logan’s arms, I didn’t once think about Angel.

Angel … Fuck.

What the hell was wrong with me? I had a perfect boyfriend who was hot, sexy and sinful, but also funny and intelligent. The more I thought about how perfect Angel was, the more apparent it became that I was so imperfect, so fucked up. There was no way I could tell him about what had happened between Logan and me. I just couldn’t do that to him, I won’t do that to him.

I had already shattered two hearts, I wasn’t going to shatter a third.

Suddenly my phone started ringing, leaning over my bed to the bedside cabinet I picked it up before staring at the screen.

Angel …

Shit, I knew I had to talk to him but did it have to be right now? Angel definitely thought so as my phone would not stop ringing. Tentatively I ran my finger across the screen before putting it to my ear.

“Angel.” I rasped, my voice trembling.

“Shit, Neva, where are you? Are you okay? I have been calling you all night! I have been worried sick.”

“I’m sorry.” I said quickly. “I felt sick and went to my brothers, I crashed there last night.” I cringed at my lie.

“You’re sick?” Angel asked, clearly still concerned.

“Yeah, I’m fine now. It must have just been a bug.” The lie was pouring out of my mouth, and it just wouldn’t stop.

“Do you want me to come over?” Angel asked.

“No it’s okay, I’m going over to see my mom today so I might just crash there until class on Monday.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah, it will give me some time to get the assignment done for class too.” God I was such a bitch.

“Okay baby, I’ll see you Monday. Call me if you need anything.”

“Yeah, see you Monday.”

I chewed my lip hard as the call disconnected. I had just lied through my damn teeth to my boyfriend because I didn’t have the backbone to tell him about where I actually was. Tears quickly formed in my eyes as I swallowed the distinct taste of copper. Releasing my lip, I wiped at the corner of my mouth with the back of my hand to find a streak of blood against my skin. It was time to do what I knew best.

Run.

Pulling out my suitcase from the closet, I threw it onto my bed, tossing enough clothes inside for the weekend. I was going to take my own advice and stay at mom’s for the weekend. I needed some time to understand everything and make some decisions about what the hell I was going to do.

Turning to my bedside cabinet I opened the drawer, finding my black leather notepad and pencil I quickly ripped out a page and wrote a note out to Low.

Gone to mom’s for the weekend, be home soon. Neva x

A single tear dropped on to the note before me, the words I had haphazardly written taking me right back to ten years before.

Dad had asked me if I wanted to go with him for a trip to the store. He had dangled his keys to the truck in front of me. His secret sign that only I would understand. He was going to show me how to drive again. A devilish twinkle appeared in his eyes as it always did when we did something mom didn’t approve of. Mom didn’t know dad had been teaching me how to drive for the last six months. We knew she wouldn’t be happy, but we still did it anyway, it was our little secret.

It was one of my favorite memories of my dad. He would take me to an old parking lot just a couple of miles outside of Spring Water and put the truck in park while I climbed onto his lap. I wasn’t tall enough to work the pedals but I could steer. Dad would work the gas while he guided my hands through the steering wheel.

But that night, I decided to stay home. Frost had started to creep onto the edges of the windows in the house as Christmas approached closer with each passing day. I slowly shook my head at my dad smiling before turning my attention back to the TV, my dad chuckled before sighing.

“I’ll just have to get a cold butt on my own then.”

“Daddy, you won’t get a cold butt. It’s warm in the truck.” I giggled as I turned back to my dad.

“What if I sit on the ice cream?” He asked in mock horror “My butt might just freeze and fall off!”

“Daddy, that sounds like a good idea. Your butt stinks!” I said laughing hard at my own joke.

“Young lady! Have your smelled yours? You most certainly take after my side of the family.” He winked before taking the few strides into the room, pulling me into his arms and kissing me on the head. “We will prove that to your mother later. Now go and get your homework finished so we can eat some ice cream when I get back.”

I simply nodded and turned my attention back to the TV once more, hearing my dad chuckle and walk out the room making his way to the front door.

“Be home soon.” He shouted over his shoulder, which in turn had us all replying a swift ‘okay’ in unison.

Tears streamed down my face as I recalled that last conversation with my dad before the accident. Why did they take my dad? Why didn’t they take the scum bag who had killed him instead?

Shaking my head, I placed the note on Low’s pillow before throwing my phone on my bed. If I was going to stay at my mom’s I needed complete peace and no doubt I will be inundated with texts and phone calls from Low checking up on me. I loved that girl like a sister, but sometimes she could be a little overbearing.

Once I was finally happy that I had packed everything I had needed for my weekend at mom’s, I walked back over to the closet to pick up my guitar. I wasn’t sure how mom would feel with me bringing it to the house, but I decided I needed to take a piece of my dad with me.

Quickly slinging the guitar over my shoulder by the strap, I picked up my suitcase from the bed, turning around in a full circle. When I was sure I had everything I needed, I took a deep breath. I walked out of the dorm and right off campus.

After making sure no one had spotted me, I started walking in the direction of my mom’s house, my luggage secured in my right hand while my guitar hung over my shoulder. I placed my headphones into my ears, an old Motown record that my father loved to listen to played through the speakers. I stared out into the sunset, taking in the crisp, cool air, wondering what the hell to do.

“Your dad used to drive me nuts with that thing.” My mom’s voice pulled me out from my day dream as I stared at the house.

“I remember, you threatened to cut all off the strings.” I smiled to myself at the memory.

Mom had been finishing off some work for her job as a project manager at the time and dad was trying to teach me how to play the guitar, I was never any good. Where my dad’s fingers would lightly stroke the strings and produce a beautiful sound, mine would strum hard, creating a screeching noise that would put a drowning cat to shame.

I remember her stomping into the living room with her paperwork in one hand and her reading glasses in the other, her shoulders showing signs of stress and her nose wrinkling from the horrible noise I was producing.

“Brandon, dear.” She said sweetly. “For the love of all things holy will you please go and play that thing somewhere else so I can get some work done?”

Dad chuckled at mom’s little outburst. She was a bit stressed lately after she was promoted to project manager at work. She was working for an interior design firm and loved it. Our house was all the evidence you needed to know her love for interior design.

“Come on, Neva, let’s give your mom some peace and quiet.” Dad said as he led us outside to the porch swing. Sitting down, he started to strum a tune I hadn’t heard him play before. It was soft and sweet mixed with a gritty edge and I loved it.