First Chances (12 page)

Chapter Nineteen

Hadie

I’d been trying to get Eddie alone all day, but the guy could really disappear when he wanted to.

Just when I’d thought my hopes of going to college were dwindling, everything had flipped around on itself. When we walked into the principal’s office, Kance denied that anything had happened. She even left out the part where I’d tried to pull out her hair.

I knew Kance hadn’t remained quiet about the incident for my benefit. Kance only ever did something for her own selfish reasons, but her change in mind obviously had something to do with the long conversation Eddie had had with her.

I’d tried to catch his eye, hoping he would look at me or give me a secret signal to let me know why he’d been talking to Kance for so long—but he’d walked out of the office like he was in a hurry to leave. Then I hadn’t seen him the rest of the day.

I had support group in the afternoon, and Mom finally trusted me enough to let me drive there by herself. Well, actually, she and dad had a dinner meeting with clients, so she had to let me drive myself. Besides, she’d said she could always ask Philip or Eddie if I’d shown up or not. She didn’t need to tell me twice; today I actually wanted to be there.

Because of Eddie Cavallari.

Eddie was a boy I couldn’t figure out. He seemed to be your average guy—except for the tattoos and piercings, and playing in a punk rock band. He was kind, genuine, friendly, and helpful—but there was more to him, and I was starting to see that now.

For starters, how the hell had he managed to convince Kance to keep quiet about me trying to rip her hair out? No one had that kind of power over Kance, yet somehow Eddie had done the unthinkable. He didn’t need to save my butt, but he had.

He watched over me; he was my silent protector. He was the steadying presence that I kept trying to push away. I was obviously a moron, and that had rung clear today. I was a complete and utter moron.

When I pulled into the parking lot, I checked my makeup in the mirror—black eyeliner, smoky eyeshadow, purple lips—I was almost unrecognizable. It was a wonder how makeup could make you look like a completely different person.

Frowning at myself, I reached into the glovebox and pulled out a pack of tissues, using it to wipe away the bright lipstick from my mouth. Once I was satisfied that I’d done my best to remove it, I pulled my leather jacket around my body and jumped out of the car.

My stomach was twisting with knots as I made my way inside the community center. I was excited, yet nervous to see Eddie. We always did this weird thing where we didn’t really speak to each other at the support group, but I wanted things to change now. I knew it was mainly my fault, but I was willing to admit my mistake if only he would speak to me.

As I walked into the warmth of the room, a girl with two golden braids—who I now knew was called Maggie—gave me a smile as warm as the room.

“Hadie, right?”

“Uh, yes,” I responded, taken aback that she was talking to me.

My eyes surveyed the room, and I found Eddie sitting down with an empty seat beside him. That seat had my name written all over it.

“It’s nice that you’re consistently here,” Maggie was saying. “Some kids show up once and then give up. I figure you’re never going to move past your issues if you keep avoiding them.”

My gaze focused on her, and something about her seemed strangely familiar. She reminded me of someone, but I couldn’t quite put my finger on who exactly.

“Yeah, I still don’t know if this is my thing, but I’ll be in a lot of trouble with my parents if I stop coming.”

She nodded, understanding on her face. “It takes a while, but trust me when I say that it really does help.”

“Yeah, I guess,” I said, my tone wry.

“Hey, Maggie!” a girl called Bree said as she approached us.

Maggie gave me a smile and turned to Bree. As I watched them talk, I realized that she reminded me of me. Well, the way I used to be. I’d go out of my way to talk to people, to understand them, to make them feel better about themselves. Now, all I did was push people away.

Feeling strangely melancholy, I turned my attention back to Eddie, and frowned when I saw that Fiona was sitting beside him giggling about something. There was an amused look on his face as he said something to her in a low tone. Her eyes were shiny and bright as she stared up at him.

All of a sudden, a frown passed across Eddie’s face and he turned his head to stare right at me as though he had felt my eyes on him.

Feeling embarrassed, I quickly sat down, taking the empty seat in between Michael and Maggie, who was still talking to her friend.

It took me a lot of self-restraint and mental scolding not to stare at Eddie and Fiona. That could have been me, sitting there and chatting away like I had no care in the world. Normally, I was curious about what everyone in this room had gone through, but today I just felt bitter towards Fiona.

How could she sit there acting as though nothing had ever happened to her? How could she sit there with Eddie as though he had been her shoulder to cry on? No. Eddie had been my shoulder to cry on. He had been there for me. She couldn’t take him away with her flirty smile and cute looks.

By the time Philip walked into the room, I was fuming. I barely paid attention as he talked us through today’s exercise. My brain was on fire; I was seeing red. I wanted to punch that smile right off Fiona’s face.

She looked really nice today. Cute outfit that consisted of tight, faded blue jeans and a red and black flannel shirt. Perfect blonde hair arranged around her shoulders. Great makeup. It made me dislike her even more. I wondered if Eddie had a crush on her. Was that why he spent so much time with her? Was there something about her he found attractive? Something he didn’t see in me anymore?

As Philip began to wrap up today’s session and make his way around the circle asking if we wanted to share anything, all I could do was stare at Eddie. I saw him shift around uneasily in his seat, and I knew he could feel my eyes on him.

For some reason, I didn’t care anymore. I didn’t care if the entire room saw me watching him. It was like my eyes were opening up for the first time and seeing this boy for who he really was.

And there was a tug in my heart; something small, something unexpected.

“Hadie?” Philip asked.

“Huh?” When I turned my head to look at him, I had a feeling he’d been trying to get my attention for a while.

“Is there anything you’d like to share with us today?” I saw him dart a glance at Eddie out of the corner of his eye, and I cringed.

Great. Now everyone probably thought I was a crazy Eddie stalker. I kind of was, wasn’t I? God, I was so freaking embarrassing in every sense of the word.

Trying to pull myself together, I shook my head. “No, I’m fine.”

Philip hesitated, as though he wanted to say something, but instead he gave me a tight smile and moved on. I tried my hardest to pay attention to what everyone was sharing, but honestly I wasn’t in the mood to piece together the puzzles of everyone’s stories.

There was only one story I cared about and currently he was not having anything to do with me. It surprised me when Philip got to Eddie, and he didn’t share anything. Usually, Eddie always had something to say, so I couldn’t understand why today was any different.

Philip seemed confused too, but didn’t press Eddie on it.

When it was time to leave, I made sure Philip didn’t catch me alone again. I really didn’t want to feel guilty about not opening up during the sessions. The truth was, I wasn’t sure if they were helping me. Maybe it was my own fault; maybe I didn’t want to be helped.

Luckily, Philip was too busy speaking to Bree as everyone left, so I managed to escape without him noticing. I dawdled behind everyone else, trying to sift through my thoughts. I wondered if these people thought I was a complete whack job. I wouldn’t blame them if they did; I never spoke, and I’d spent the entirety of today’s session staring at Eddie.

Even I thought I was a complete whack job.

When I stepped outside, I stopped in my tracks as my eyes fell on two figures huddled together by the front steps. Eddie and Fiona—laughing away, completely oblivious to the fact that I was a few paces away from them.

They looked as though they were enjoying each other’s company. She was getting awfully close to him; one hand was on his arm in a flirty manner as she gazed up at him. Eddie wasn’t exactly hiding how much he loved the attention. He was grinning down at her as he said something in a low tone which made her face light up.

Red hot rage and jealousy struck me like a whip as I watched them.

Balling my fists into my coat pocket, I pushed right through the middle of Eddie and Fiona, not caring what they thought of me. I knew I was being a total bitch and that there was really no reason for me to hate Fiona the way I did, except for the fact that she obviously liked Eddie and he liked her, too.

“Sorry about that,” I heard Eddie apologize to Fiona as I stalked away.

“Don’t apologize for me!” I shot back at him, turning my head.

Fiona’s eyes were wide with concern as she stared at me, and Eddie shifted from one foot to the other. I’d gotten to him. Good. That’s what I wanted.

Turning away from them, I stormed across the parking lot and across the road, towards the covered bridge. From behind me, I could hear footsteps approaching at a quick pace—I knew it was him.

A firm hand clamped down on my shoulder just as I reached the edge of the bridge. I tried to pull away, but his hold tightened as he spun me around to face him.

“Let go of me!” I cried, giving Eddie the biggest glare I could muster.

“I’m not going to let you go!” he yelled back, his hand now latching onto my wrist.

We glared at each other in the darkness, both of us breathing heavily as though we had just run a marathon.

“What is your goddamn problem, Hadie?” he finally demanded, his fingers still wrapped around my wrist.

“Nothing,” I muttered darkly, not making a move to pull away from him. I was kind of liking the way his fingers felt against my skin. I kind of didn’t want him to let go of me. “It doesn’t even matter.”

“For fuck’s sake, Hadie!” He let out a frustrated groan and dropped my hand. I tried not to let the disappointment show on my face. “I don’t know what you want from me. You tell me to stay out of your life, but then you intentionally act like this when you see me with Fiona. What the hell do you want from me, because this is starting to get really stupid?”

“You wouldn’t understand,” I said, trembling in the coldness that was sinking into me.

I turned away from him and made my way down the snow-covered steps that led to the dead garden. There was a large tree right in the center of the garden; its lifeless limbs fanned out above my head. It was hard to tell what kind of tree it was or even what the withered bushes surrounding it were, but in my mind I could picture it as a warm, bright place to relax in during the warmer months.

However, in the deadness of that place, I found a sense of peace. Maybe it was because on the inside I was about as alive as this tree. Which was really messed up if the only thing I could relate to at this point in my life was a freaking tree.

“That’s bullshit, Hadie, and you know it.” Eddie let out a derisive snort, breaking the silence as he followed me down into the dead garden. “What do you think I’m doing here? Fucking around? You’re not the only one who’s gone through shit in their lives, Hadie Swinton. I’m so sick of watching you throw your life away like it doesn’t mean anything. There is an entire life ahead of you. All you have to do is open your eyes.”

My breath caught in my throat at the burning look in his eyes. There was an edge in them, something dangerous even, that sent my heart rate shooting up. I had never seen Eddie look quite like that before.

“You know what?” he asked, folding his arms across his chest. “You’re a goddamn brat.”

Anger flared up inside me, and I quickly stood up to face him. “I am not a brat! Do you know what the last few months have been like for me? Can you even imagine?”

“Yeah, I can imagine, Hadie, I’m not heartless,” he said, his eyes stern. “But you’re not the one who’s dead—he is. Stop taking your life for granted when it was the one thing he couldn’t have.”

Involuntary tears fell from my eyes at his words. Eddie was right; he had described my situation perfectly.

“I'm not me anymore, I'm someone else. I'm just a reflection in the mirror, imitating life, but not really living it.” And that was the truth. That was the harsh truth, and I could finally say it to him.

Eddie sighed, reaching out to graze the side of my face with a hand. “Your life doesn’t need to end because his did. Taste the air on your tongue. Feel the wind in your hair. Treasure the small things. Don’t let the world pass you by. Go out there and live, Hadie.”

Before I could fully comprehend what I was letting myself do, I stretched out my hand and ran it along his arm, letting it snake around his neck. He seemed surprised, but didn’t push me away. Instead, he brought himself closer until his face was close to mine, his mouth poised over mine, our eyes locked in a gaze I couldn’t bear to break.