First Chances (10 page)

Chapter Fifteen

Hadie

The wind whipped around my already messy hair as I got out of my car and hurried across the parking lot towards
Halley’s Diner
. It was so cold that it felt like my face was about to fall off. Seriously. How did people live in these conditions?

I knew
I
lived in these conditions—for my entire life, actually—but it was days like this that I wish I could live somewhere warmer, like Florida. I could totally see myself sitting by the pool in a bikini. People from Florida did that in winter, right?

Winter in the Midwest was a nightmare, and I hated driving around on the icy roads. It was bad enough when there was rain, snow, and sleet—but add wind into the mixture and the temperature became unbearable.

The balminess of the diner enveloped me like a warm hug, and my frozen face immediately began to thaw out. I rubbed my icy hands together, wondering why I’d forgotten to wear gloves today. Usually, I was so organized, but you wouldn’t believe it looking at me now.

I was a total and complete mess—unruly, purple hair; blotchy makeup from crying too much; mismatched flannel and leather outfit.

Today I’d missed Lincoln a lot. I wasn’t sure why, but I knew that I had to be close to him somehow. In the short time that we had spent together, we’d had a couple of places that had started to feel like “our place”. One of those places was this diner.

Glancing around, I saw that the booth Lincoln and I had sat at was empty, and I immediately rushed towards it before anyone else could take it. Not that there was anyone else here. The bright green and pink color scheme of the place was enough to ward off anyone. I didn’t know who Halley was, but I was pretty sure she was colorblind.

“Hi, how are you today?” The waitress approached me just as I slid into the booth.

Her growing eyes took in my hair as she handed me a menu. I was practically a sideshow act at the circus in this town. No one ever did anything crazy around here, yet here I was with my bright, purple hair.

I had refused to dye it back to its former underrated brown, and my parents had finally allowed me to keep it this way.

“I’m great.” Trying not to let her gaze nerve me, I handed the menu right back to her. “I already know what I’d like.”

“Okay, what can I get you?”

“Could I please get bread, lettuce, tomatoes, pickles, sliced cheese, sliced ham, mayonnaise, mustard, ketchup?”

It was a strange request, but it was how Lincoln had convinced me to try something new since I always liked to go through the motions of the same thing. He had taught me a lot about experiencing new things, and that was how I had slowly fallen in love with him.

“Are you pregnant?” she asked, studying me as though I was crazy.

I let out a laugh, shaking my head at the absurdity of her remark. You actually had to have sex to be pregnant. “No, it’s just something I did once with a friend.”

The waitress tilted her head to the side, her eyes growing wide in recognition.  “I remember you! You came in here a while back with that really cute guy.”

At the mention of him, my insides squeezed tight, and I nodded mutely.

“Is he going to join you?” she asked, not realizing how heavy her words made me feel.

“Uh, no. He’s out of town,” I lied quickly.

Why the hell had I just lied? What the freaking hell was wrong with me? I really wanted to believe it was because I didn’t want to get into the subject of his death, but I knew it was more than that.

“Oh, what a shame,” she said. “Well, I’ll be right back.”

As she walked off, I stood up abruptly and grabbed my bag.

It had been a mistake to come here. I could have easily told her the truth—that he was gone—but instead I’d outright denied reality. Was there really something wrong with me the way everyone thought there was? Was that why I needed counseling—because I was mentally imbalanced?

Without glancing around to see where the waitress was, I bolted out of
Halley’s Diner
like there was a ghost after me—and in a sad, miserable way, there was.

I barely noticed the cold as I reached my car and unlocked the door. My body was trembling as I pulled open the door and climbed inside, and I wasn’t sure if it was from the weather or from the realization that no matter how hard I tried to deny it, Lincoln wasn’t coming back.

With shaky fingers, I pulled my phone out from my bag and messaged the only person who could make me forget Lincoln, even for a brief moment.

Three.

***

His eyes weren’t the same shade of blue as Lincoln’s, and for some reason it bothered me. They weren’t a hazel-green either, and this bothered me even more.

His lips didn’t taste the same. His body didn’t feel the same. He didn’t have the familiar scent of pine that I missed.

And, for the tenth time, all these differences made me pull away from Three, even as his lips sought me in the darkness of my car.

“No, I can’t,” I slurred, moving away from him. “You don’t smell right.”

I frowned at the way I sounded. I hadn’t planned on drinking tonight, yet here I was sharing a bottle of Fireball with Three, and letting him put his hands all over me in the backseat of my car.

Three let out a groan and opened up the door, letting the cold air in. He jumped out and took several steps away from my car and pressed his hands against the back of his head, staring up into the star-filled sky.

Once again, we’d pulled up at the side of the road, where Lincoln and I had used to come. Something about being in this place made me feel closer to Lincoln, though I was never going to reveal that to Three.

Unsure if I’d hurt his feelings, I crawled out after him, stumbling a little as my feet touched the ground. I was aware of the cold, but my body was filled with a warm sensation, so it felt good.

He stood facing away from me, and I wished I knew how I could fix the situation. He was really nice and I really liked him, but he wasn’t right, somehow. Of course, I couldn’t tell him that because I was probably going to hurt his feelings, and I definitely didn’t want to be a mean pants.

“Three-” I started to say, but he cut me off.

“How am I supposed to smell, Hadie?” His voice didn’t sound slurred like mine. Instead, his tone was devoid of the humor it usually had. “I don’t smell like he did, right?”

“Uh, I,” I stupidly stumbled over my words, trying to figure out how to explain it to him. How could I make him understand a feeling? “It was like, I don’t know, I wasn’t even trying to remember him, but it just kinda-”

Three turned around, his eyes searching as they met mine. “You’re a cool girl, Hadie, and I like hanging out with you, but if you’re gonna let me kiss you then you gotta know that I want to do more.”

My heart sank at his words. I liked hanging out with him, too. And the kissing wasn’t bad either, but I was definitely not ready to do more. What Three and I had was not based on the physical—at least not for me—and sex was definitely the last thing on my mind.

“It’s been a bad day, and all I want to do is forget about it,” I admitted.

The old Hadie would sit in her room and eat a whole tub of cookie dough ice cream to forget about a problem, but these days ice cream just wasn’t cutting it. I needed something stronger, especially now that this intense conversation with Three was making me sober up.

“Fine,” he said with a nod, but I wasn’t sure how genuine he was being. “But I can’t sit in the backseat of your car with you. We have to go somewhere else.”

“Like where?”

“There’s a bar in Penthill that I like. They have cheap drinks and good music.”

“Um, I’m not old enough to drink in a bar,” I said, stating the obvious. Neither was he for that matter.

Three tilted his head to the side and gave me a look as though I was crazy to ask a question like that. “Hadie, c’mon now. I know people.”

I laughed, trying to make myself loosen up a little. It didn’t help that there was a clamp around my heart, rendering it difficult to make light of any situation. Still, I was going to attempt to go along with what Three wanted to do—well, his second option, anyway. His first option was definitely something I wasn’t ready for.

“Okay, sure. We can do that,” I said, with a forced smile. “I’ll follow you there.”

Three had met up with me here after my emotional breakdown at the diner, and I was grateful for him being there for me, but a part of me was starting to see now that maybe I was using him.

What kind of a person had I become? Definitely not the kind of person Lincoln had wanted me to be.

“Sure thing, troublemaker,” he said, ambling over to his bike.

Slowly shaking my thoughts away, I got back into my car and turned on the engine, letting the car warm up. My eyes fell on the piece of paper I’d tucked into the glovebox yesterday—the piece of paper that had made me crumble a little inside.

In the glow of my headlights, I could see Three pacing back and forth around his bike as he spoke on the phone. In a flash, I reached over and popped open the glovebox, and pulled out the piece of paper Eddie had given me.

My eyes wandered over the words—well, they looked like they could be lyrics to a song—and I couldn’t help but melt a little. These lyrics were about me. Everything about them was relatable, and I couldn’t believe I affected Eddie enough for him to write a song about me,

When I fall

When I rise

I’m desperately seeking your eyes

When I die

A little inside

I’m wanting you by my side

For nights I lie awake

Wondering how to break

Through your iron walls

Before I lose this war

Don’t hold back

Don’t fight me

I’m here waiting patiently

Lift you up

‘Til you fly

I’ll be yours until we die

There is so much out there

That you’re shutting out

Break free of your misery

And scream out loud

I’m still here waiting patiently

So don’t hold back

Don’t fight me

As my eyes drank in the words, a lightness washed over me, as though these simple words had the power to carry all my problems away. In a way, they did. On the other side of these words was a boy waiting patiently for me. I was just running away.

I wasn’t sure what was wrong with me. I definitely needed an intervention with myself. Sometimes I felt like it was too late. What if he didn’t want me anymore? What if all the pushing and running away I’d been doing was hurting him in a way that was irreparable?

There were two bright flashes in my eyes, and startled, I looked up to see that Three was back on his bike, flashing his headlights to get my attention.

Stuffing the piece of paper back in the glovebox, I waved at him so he knew I was getting a move on. With a deep breath, I shifted the car into drive and pulled out after Three, leaving my thoughts behind on the side of the road.

Well, trying to at least.

Eddie Cavallari was slowly weaving his way into my mind, and I think I kind of liked him being there.

Chapter Sixteen

Eddie

In my wildest dreams I’d never imagined Hadie would walk through the doors of
Quaker
while my band was halfway through our last song,
Bright Eyes
.

It was a Tuesday night, which was one of the worst nights to perform because not many people came to a random bar in Penthill on a weeknight.  We’d only taken this gig because the owner had promised to pay us and we didn’t have anything better to do.

Bright Eyes
was basically a rock ballad that we’d begun playing at the end of each set this past fall. At the end of the song, the instruments always ceased as Luca sang the last bars of the song.

It was pretty clear Luca had written this song about Ashton before they’d gotten together and she’d been running through his head.

So hold your head up high

Don’t believe their lies

You are what you make of yourself

‘Cos all I see are your pink lips

And bright eyes

Luca leaned into the microphone, singing his heart out, and as he did his thing, my eyes fell on the tall, spiky-haired guy with Hadie. She’d come here with Three. Just fucking perfect.

There was no reason for me to be surprised—Three was who she spent all her time with these days.

“Thanks so much for coming out to see us tonight,” Luca said into the microphone as enthusiastically as he could. “You’ve been a great crowd!”

The five people in the bar clapped, and I let out a sharp breath and averted my gaze when I saw Hadie turn her head in our direction.

Crap. Damn. I didn’t want her to notice me, which was kind of impossible considering we were on the stage in a virtually empty bar.

“Did you see Hadie’s here with that Madden gang dude?” Riley asked in a low tone, walking over to me and jerking his head in her general direction.

Gritting my teeth, I began methodically taking my drum kit apart and placing everything into its individual cases. “Yeah, I saw them.”

“He looks like he just robbed a little, old lady on his way over here,” he stated a matter-of-factly before moving on to unplug his bass guitar.

I actually let out a laugh at that before returning to my task of disassembling my drum set. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see Hadie saying something to Three, her face pinched. I wondered if she was trying to convince him to leave.

Honestly, it wouldn’t bother me if they left. I’d be a hell of a lot better than the awkwardness of confronting them both.

Seriously, what was this? Some kind of date? Is this where they went so he could layer her with alcohol and then take advantage of her in her vulnerable state? Just the thought of him touching her made my grip tighten on the case I was holding.

“Uh, Eddie, you look like you’re about to punch a hole through the wall,” Luca commented as we carried our gear out the back way so we could load up Riley’s van that was parked in the back alley of
Quaker
.

Placing my case on the floor, I turned around and moved aside, letting him put his case inside as I tried to calm myself down.

“I didn’t expect to see her tonight.” I was staying calm. I was not going to lose my shit. “Especially not with that douchebag tool.” Okay, so I was losing my shit, but my reason was totally valid.

He didn’t need me to clarify who I was talking about. I knew he’d seen Hadie and Three walk into the bar, even though he hadn’t made a comment about it yet.

Luca climbed out of the van and leaned against the side, staring up into the sky. “I know what it’s like seeing the girl you love with another guy.” That I didn’t doubt. Earlier this year, Ashton had been into this asshole jock, Oliver Carson, completely blind to the fact that Luca was in love with her. “But I also know that if she’s meant for you, then you gotta hang in there.”

Obviously, he was right and what he was saying made a lot of sense, but right now feelings of jealousy and frustration were clouding my body.

“Is it also normal to want to pummel that Three guy in the face?” I asked in a casual tone.

Luca glanced over at me, and we both started laughing. I was not a violent guy, and despite being broad-shouldered, I was several inches shorter than Three. I probably wasn’t going to win in a fight against him.

“Yeah, I’d hold off on that,” Luca told me just as Riley walked outside carrying his bass guitar. “You’d probably get your ass kicked, no offense.”

Riley placed the guitar in the van and clapped his hands together, his face full of excitement. “Are we planning on knocking off that jerk Hadie’s with? Because I could totally run him ov-”

“Holy shit, stop,” I said, shaking my head in disbelief. Where the hell did Riley get his crazy ideas from? “That’s a little extreme and completely illegal.”

He shrugged like it wasn’t a big deal. “Eh, it was just the first thing that came to mind.”

“Yeah, that’s not a normal thing, Riley,” Luca said, whacking him on the back of the head. “Alright, you guys finish loading up. I gotta chase down the manager so we can get paid.”

“See ya,” Riley said as Luca walked back inside. He moved next to me and bumped me against the shoulder. “The offer’s still there if you change your mind.”

Shaking my head at him, I shoved him back as he burst into laughter.

We spent the next ten minutes loading up the van together with the rest of our gear, with Riley making an occasional suggestion about how to get rid of Three—none of which were helpful.

Once we were done, we wandered back into the bar in search of Luca. We had all come together in Riley’s van, so we couldn’t leave until Luca was ready to leave.

“Doesn’t that girl go to our school?” Riley asked, slightly tilting his head to the right in a subtle nod.

“Not sure.” My eyes fell on the girl with long, dark hair, but I wasn’t really interested in whether or not she went to our school or not.

Instead, my eyes were seeking out Hadie—even though I was kind of hoping she and her whatever-he-was had left. I found her easily; she was standing at the bar alone, looking around uncomfortably. Even with her vivid hair and interestingly mismatched outfit, she still looked completely out of place. She didn’t belong here anymore than I belonged in a
One Direction
tribute band.

When her eyes fell on me, she gave me the smallest of smiles, almost as though she was waiting to see if I acknowledged her.

I couldn’t help returning it, despite hating the fact she was here with Three.

“Are you gonna go talk to her?” Riley asked, following my gaze.

“I dunno,” I said, turning to him so I didn’t continue looking at her like a creep.

“Looks like she’s coming this way. I’ll go look for Luca.”

With that, Riley wandered off in the other direction, and I turned my gaze back in Hadie’s direction to see that she was indeed heading my way, though a look of hesitation was clear on her face.

“Hi,” she said, her voice small as she stopped in front of me. “I didn’t know you’d be here tonight.”

A part of me wanted to be warm and open, especially since she had made the effort to come over to me, but the fact she was here with Three made me want to act cool and indifferent.

“Yeah, we play here sometimes.”

I didn’t offer up anything else that would make the conversation less awkward, and she twisted the hem of her shirt nervously, clearly uncomfortable with my curtness.

“I read your note,” she said slowly, as though she was almost afraid to bring it up. “The lyrics, were they about me?”

“Yeah,” I nodded, and her face lit up. “We played it tonight.”

She was blushing now, her cheeks tinged with pink. “Well, I’m sorry I missed it. Maybe I can come see you play some other time?” she asked with hopeful eyes.

“No, that’s okay,” I said, my tone abrupt. “Rock bars aren’t exactly a great place for an intimate date.”

Hadie’s eyes grew wide, and her face fell as she bit down on her bottom lip. “No, that’s not why…we’re not-”

I let out a short laugh, cutting her off. “You don’t have to explain your love life to me, Hadie. You can do whatever you want with whoever you want. That’s what this whole thing is about, right? Hanging out with the bad boy, so you can cut loose and turn into a stranger.”

The pink on Hadie’s cheeks turned a shade of red. “You don’t know anything about what I want, so don’t act like you know me!” Her hands curled at her sides, and I could see I’d hurt her feelings.

I leaned in close, so close that I could see her holding her breath. “That’s where you’re wrong. I do know you, Hadie. I know when you’re upset, and when you want to be left alone. I know the way you scrunch up your nose when you don’t like something. I know your favorite book is
Wuthering Heights
, and that’s why I know you believe in happy endings. I know that somewhere in there is a girl desperate to find peace, and the only way she thinks she can do it is by surrounding herself with chaos.”

Her eyes sought mine as I finished speaking, and my pulse began to speed up as I gently rested the tip of my forehead against hers. “I know all this, Hadie, and it still doesn’t make me run away. It makes me wait for you.”

Her eyes glistened, her forehead scrunching up as I finished speaking. There was something in her eyes, something in the way she was looking at me that made me think that maybe she wanted to open up to me.

“Hadie, what the fuck is going on?”

The unwelcome voice made me break apart from her, and I straightened up to find Three approaching us. His brows were raised in question as he stared between us.

“Uh, I, we,” Hadie spluttered, like she’d been caught doing something she shouldn’t be doing.

“What are you doing with this guy?” he demanded, his face contorted with anger.

I almost laughed at how ridiculous the situation was. Three was in a notorious motorcycle gang, yet here he was acting like I was the one Hadie should be wary of. This was bullshit.

“Nothing,” I said, looking Hadie right in the eyes. “We’re done.”

Taking several lengthy strides from them, I headed back outside to where Riley’s van was parked, letting the cold air bring sense back into me. My chest was pounding and I was shaking from all the anger I was feeling.

Taking several deep breaths, I leaned against the van as I tried to calm down. A part of me was hoping Three followed me out here so we can figure some shit out, fist to fist, but the sensible part of me was telling me that I was being ridiculous and that I never lost my cool like that, especially over a girl who didn’t give a damn about me.

Hadie wasn’t with me—she was with Three. I had to face reality eventually.

“Eddie!” came Riley’s voice. “What the hell happened, man?”

Turning in the direction of his voice, I saw that he and Luca were hurrying out of the bar towards me.

I shook my head, trying to calm down. “Same old shit. That Three guy is acting like I’m bad news and Hadie’s acting like she doesn’t know what she wants.”

“That’s fucked up,” Luca said, frowning at me.

“I really want to kick the shit out of him,” I said with a half-laugh, clenching my fists.

“Let’s do it, man!” Riley said, immediately getting pumped and punching the air in front of him as though he were in the middle of a boxing match. “There’s three of us and one of him!”

“Yeah, and about a hundred Madden boys who don’t give a shit about killing someone,” Luca said with a roll of his eyes. “Great plan, Riley.”

There definitely weren’t a hundred Madden boys—at least I hoped not—but Luca was right about them being dangerous. I didn’t want my friends getting hurt over a girl.

“Well, crap,” Riley said, his adrenaline quickly fading at the thought of the Madden boys coming after him. “I guess we can just bitch about him behind his back from a safe distance. Maybe diss his hair and his pretentious leather jacket. That’s what girls do and it seems to work pretty well.”

With his words, something in my mood changed and a laugh escaped me. It was hard to be so down when I had friends like Riley and Luca who always had my back.

“Here, Eddie,” Luca said, reaching into his pocket and handing me a bunch of twenty dollar bills. “We made a hundred bucks tonight. Why don’t you take it?”

My eyes widened as I stared down at his outstretched hand. “What? Why?”

“You need it more than we do,” was all he said as he pressed the bills into my hand and began to walk around to the other side of the van. “C’mon, let’s get outta here.”

“Luca,” I began to say, but he pointedly ignored me.

Riley also looked the other way as he got into the driver’s side of the van. I stared after them and then down at the money in my hand, at a loss for words.

Usually, we split the money evenly between us, so it made no sense that Luca would give me all the money. Did my friends somehow know about my family’s financial troubles, and were just keeping quiet about it? Was I just terrible at hiding my feelings? Had my mom said something to Luca’s mom?