From Fed Up to Fabulous: Real stories to inspire and unite women worldwide (9 page)

Fast forward to the last year of school, I was the youngest in the class but I had somehow managed to become part of the group and I was again protected by everybody. The few times I was allowed out of the house were precious times indeed and times where I could for the first time exercise my own form of choice.

When I applied to the local college to study for one year to get some form of post school education before entering the job market, as part of the requisite holiday work in my course in Hotel Reception, I met my now ex-husband.

Picture this, free from my brothers and parents for the first time in a totally strange environment, I was in heaven. Bring into this picture a cute young guy that was a bit of a bad boy, just finishing up his military service in the paratroopers and that had seemed to take a liking to giving me grief just for the heck of it, and you have a recipe for chaos. His mother worked in the hotel as Head Receptionist where I was doing my holiday work.

Suffice it to say, I was bowled over and before you could say Hey Presto, I was head over heels in love and so was he. My parents found out and removed me from the hotel, but that didn’t stop us – we met secretly and carried on our relationship. When it came to my Father’s attention he called us together and wanted to speak with us. What came out of that meeting was a decree that we would get married immediately or they would disown me and I would have to find my own way in life. What a shocker – the parents and brothers that had protected me almost to death were now prepared to put me out into the street. The solution was obvious and 3 weeks later we got married. He was almost 22 and I would turn 19 about 4 months later.

This set the stage for the next phase in my life. Please understand that I had never really lived my life and made my own choices up until this stage of my life like most teenagers/young adults do. I moved from one controlled environment into another. As I discovered many years later, he was just another version of my parents and brothers. Over the next few years I was molded unconsciously into the person that he wanted me to be. We were married for eight years before our eldest daughter was born and the second daughter followed four years later. Our eldest was a very difficult child, in and out of hospital and we almost lost her when she was about 8 months old. This already put a lot of strain on this marriage. Then along came the 2
nd
daughter – even more issues. She was born with a very bad club foot and we spent the 1
st
year of her life at the orthopedic surgeon and the hospital to get that foot sorted out. I should say that I spent that time – he was so wrapped up in work that many times I was totally alone and having to make huge decisions essentially without him and this is where I started developing the strength of making my own choices.

During this period, instead of taking the role of father and husband and insisting on being part of the process, what I now know to be a huge lack in character and strength on his part, he stayed away, working and looking for attention elsewhere. It’s strange how a woman develops a sixth sense when her man has strayed from the marriage or relationship.
You just know!!
I knew exactly the day when this so-called friendship with one of the people at work moved over into more than just friendship. Again – I made a choice –  I couldn’t really believe that he would actually do this after he had on many occasions slated his friends and acquaintances for doing the exact same thing – he wouldn’t would he? Fast forward several months and many tears and fights later, I found out that  I was pregnant again and that my suspicions about their relationship were getting stronger. I gave birth to my 3
rd
daughter and two months after her birth, the truth came to light after I made a choice to give them enough rope to hang themselves by and set up the opportunity for the truth to come out. By that time it also came to light that she was pregnant with his child who was born exactly nine months to the day after my youngest daughter had been born - go figure!!

Now I had a huge choice to make that was not only going to affect my life, the life of my daughters – but also that of an unborn child that hadn’t asked to be born. For the first time in my life I really exercised my choice muscles and laid down the “law” like I had been shown by my father. My ex-husband’s guilt allowed me the leeway to make myself heard as well as being the ‘victim’ here – a term I use very loosely. This unborn child would be given the right to know his/her half-sisters – the child had not asked to come into this world. Nine months later, he was born.

Please understand, I always got on better with the males than the females and could never really see myself having daughters and then I had three. On the day he was born I couldn’t believe that the Universe had been so unfair and allowed her to have what I had so dearly wanted myself, a boy – but I have always luckily believed that we get what we need and not what we want.

For the next 5 years I again made another big choice – to remain in the marriage, allow the boy the blessing of knowing his half-sisters and my children the blessing of still having a father in their lives as mine had featured so strongly in mine. We essentially lived a triangle – he went and spent time there with all the benefits that come from that and other times he spent with me and the girls. Most times however it transpired that the boy was dropped with me in any case and he spent many a day and night with us.

As you can well imagine – this did not end well. I eventually came to the realization when my children’s lives were affected by this triangle we were living, that it was time to get out of the situation, as he was definitely not ever going to change it. Again, this major choice changed the direction of my life and the way that I looked at life, but also understanding that this was my choice and I needed to live with the repercussions thereof. I was going to be responsible for changing the comfortable, in his eyes, status quo.

After a very ugly divorce where he tried to obtain custody of the children to spite me, I moved out with my daughters and we started a new life without him, even though he had visitation rights that he never really exercised. About 8 months after the divorce, he stopped collecting them for his weekends and holidays and they stopped asking. His mother had been living with us for about 4 years at the time of the divorce and I heard about 10 months after the divorce he had kicked her out of the granny flat and off the premises. I went and collected her from the homeless shelter that same day and she lived her life out with me until her death about 10 years later. Again, this was a choice that was made that impacted others and in most of the cases the really big choices I have made in my life have always revolved around others and their well-being.

In retrospect today when I think back to that period in my life,
it was all about choices, every day
.

During this next phase in my life, I was a single parent of 3 daughters and had accepted the responsibility of looking after his mother. My parents could never accept the triangle that we lived with his other partner and thus removed themselves out of me and my children’s lives and I was totally alone to make the difficult decisions. This was their choice and one that I never held a grudge about.

A very good friend of my had lost his father many years previously and had never had the opportunity to fix the rift with him before his death. He begged me on many occasions after the divorce to swallow my pride and reach out to them before they also one day passed. I will be forever grateful to that friend who still to this day holds a very special part of my heart for getting me to do exactly that. I reconciled with my parents – it wasn’t easy – but I did it anyway. Again it was choice and it was the right one to make in so many ways.

To say the next 15 years ahead were never easy years, is putting it mildly. It’s not easy bringing up 3 girls on your own without any support from the other half that helped create them and to hear that the son, that should have been yours, was getting everything that your girls could never hope to see. Yes, my ex-husband and his partner are still together but my ex did make an oath that he would never marry again – which he has kept – that being his choice.

The ensuring years allowed me to grow my choice muscles even stronger and to make life-altering decisions with ease and setting the same example for my daughters. They have luckily learnt them well and are very well adapted and make choices easily, knowing that they need to live with the consequences/repercussions of those choices. I made a choice when I moved out of the house with my daughters that I would commit myself completely to their upbringing and that we would survive on our own.

Today, they are all grown up, some with children of their own, making their own life choices and living with the consequences of those decisions. During these last fifteen years, I chose to spend my free hours in the evening and over weekends when not involved with the girls, to educating myself and finding my passion. I made a choice to grow and develop to the point where I could start my own business around my identified passion part-time, with a view to it bringing in income in my ‘golden ‘years and not having to depend on the children or the government to look after me. This also served a double role in that my choices set the example for my children and grandchildren to follow or not.

In July 2015 I chose to retire from my corporate career of 35 years and now run my own businesses from home and am now ready to educate and guide others to grow those choice muscles!!

You will no doubt have noticed that the core of my story is that you have the ability to choose what path you will follow in life and make a choice in that moment, that can and will change the course of your life and possibly others – question is – are you prepared to live with the consequence of that choice and do whatever it takes to make it the best of it, whichever way it goes?

It’s like stepping off the platform when you do the Bungee jump – gravity will ensure you follow the right path – you just need to make sure you enjoy the journey.

Throughout our lives we are all faced with choices and in most cases don’t know which is the right choice to make. There is nothing set in life – each choice opens its own unique path and you need to have the depth of conviction and strength to follow that choice through to the end.

Here are some things to keep in mind:

Develop situational awareness and observe what is happening around you - influence and manipulation can be so subtle and be exercised under the guise of love and protection, that you don't even know it's happening.

Educate yourself about life, living and the world around you. If you cannot do it in person - there are always books and the Internet as easy sources of information. To say you did not know something is no excuse - educate yourself.

Children grow up and form their own opinions. I have seen this happen with so many people around me – children do not appreciate being the reason you stayed in a bad situation. It's almost as bad as saying it was their fault everything fell apart!!

When you are making a choice, if your gut tells you it's right – go for it. Sometimes it’s painful and very difficult, but in the long run it’s the right choice.

Don’t listen to other people’s advice in relation to what is best for your children – only you can make that choice.

Take each day as it comes – life throws you curveballs all the time – be flexible and don’t beat yourself up, you are only human.

Always remember to keep yourself in the equation – you are not a robot and also deserve to look after yourself as well. Take some time by yourself and reflect and recharge – this charges your choice muscles.

Teach your children from early on to make their own choices and to understand that they will have to live with the outcome of those choices – this is the best thing that you can ever do for them. This way you allow them to grow their choice muscles into powerhouses.

Always remember that our choices are always colored by our life experiences – trust that yours will guide you in the right direction.

Finally, accept that sometimes you will not make the right choices, but you still have the choice to follow another path and correct the direction you are moving in.

The lessons I have taken from what has happened in my life and applied it to my entrepreneur’s journey are the following:

Don’t make assumptions – work with facts. They will allow you to make better choices.

Rely upon yourself to make the correct choices. Bounce ideas off knowledgeable individuals, but don’t allow them to make choices for you. You are the only one that can live the consequences.

Accept that sometimes you will make bad decisions and then you will be faced with a choice how to continue. Don’t beat yourself up when this happens – you are also not perfect and can make mistakes.

Stand strong in your power and exercise that power in the correct manner. Don’t ever hand that power to anybody on a platter.

Don't flaunt your power - use it with dignified conviction.

When making a choice, be guided by the following: - (
This was put so eloquently into words by
JT Foxx – The No 1 Wealth Coach in the World
.
Visit http://www.jtfoxxlive.com to learn more about him  - the person who showed me how to make my visions of business become real.
This is something I have always kept in the back of my mind, even before I met him in 2013
.)

What’s the worst case scenario?

What’s the best case scenario?

What’s the most likely case scenario?

If you believe in something very strongly, make the choice to pursue it fully – don’t ever approach anything half-heartedly – it will show.

Above all – being humble is a strength, not a weakness – use it wisely.

If you have a family – don’t exclude them from what you are doing in your business. It has a direct impact on their lives, so involve them or keep them in the loop in whatever way you can - they should never feel separate from the process.

In closing I would like to share the following with you.

I honestly do not believe that I would have made the choices I am making today had it not been for the life I have lived and experiences I have had in the last 30 years. They have allowed me to develop and grow my choice muscles to the point that choice almost seems to be easy. Don’t be fooled however into ever believing that you do not have to live with the outcome of your choices or the backlash from some of them. Life as I know it would have been very different and my ability to make the choices I have done very slim, if I had ever believed or accepted that.

Thank every choice that comes your way for the ability to flex and grow those choice muscles and be strong in the knowledge that the more you exercise those muscles like any others, the stronger and more flexible they become.

Go out there and
CHOOSE TO BE AWESOME
!