Grace Lost (27 page)

“Breathe, Zoe,” I whispered to
myself.

I repositioned the gun in my hands
and used the bumper to steady my aim again.  I looked down the sight and
attempted to track the old man’s head.  I could tell he was escalating by
how intensely he held his weapon.

I breathed in, and as I exhaled I
kept my hands as steady as I could and squeezed the trigger.  The kick
from the gun was greater than I had expected, knocking me onto my butt. 
My ears rang from the sound of the gun firing.  Emilie was looking down at
me within seconds, but I couldn’t hear what she was saying.  She helped me
stand, and as my hearing started to return I was aware of Louisa
screaming.  I knew she had discovered that her husband was dead, and I
felt sick.  I was numb inside, a numb I had never experienced before.

“Zoe.  Zoe, can you hear me?”
asked Emilie. 

I looked at her, not quite able to
answer. 

“Fuck, Zoe, you shot him in the
head,” I heard Susan’s voice next to me.  “Fucking
A
,
girl.  You shot that goddamn fucking bastard in the goddamn fucking
head. 
Holy fuck!”

I looked at Emilie.  “What
happened?” I asked. 

“I think she’s in shock,” said
Susan.

I don’t remember getting back into
the step van.  I was sitting on a blanket on the floor of the van’s boxy
back end.  Louisa was sitting on her own blanket across the truck, sobbing
and moaning in Spanish.  The van was moving again.  I could tell by
the smoothness of the road that we were back on the highway.  Boggs was
beside me, stroking my hair.  Emilie and Susan sat on either side of
Louisa, trying to comfort her.  I could tell from the lighting in the cab
that the sun had started to set.  More time had passed than I had been
aware of. 

“Where are we?” I asked Boggs.

“We’re headed back to the cabin,
Zo.  You’ve been asleep for over an hour.”

“Louisa.  Is she ok?” 
As soon as I asked the question, I realized it was a stupid one.

Boggs shook his head back and
forth.  “Not really.”

“Julio,” I started crying. 
“Oh God, Boggs…”

“Shhhh,” he tried to soothe
me.  “I know, I know.”

“Boggs, did I kill that man?”

He nodded.  “You also saved
me and Gus, and probably Em, Susan and Louisa too.  You did good,
kiddo.”  He kissed my forehead tenderly and held me to his chest. 
“You did
good
.”

I leaned against him, my heart
breaking for Louisa.  I wasn’t sure how to cope with the fact that I had
killed another human.  I’d save that for another day.  I cried myself
back to sleep.

Gus, Boggs, and Emilie had been
able to keep it together enough at the general store to stock up on supplies
before we left while Susan, Louisa, and I had stayed in the van.  The rear
of the vehicle was now piled high with boxes of food and cases of water. 
Boggs had grabbed fishing poles and gear.  Emilie had been smart enough to
raid the feminine hygiene aisle, and had also grabbed cans of baby formula and
diapers for Louisa and the baby.  A lot of the store’s supplies had been
perishable and had long ago gone bad.  Gus had recovered the sawed-off
shotgun from the man I had killed.  These days nothing could be wasted,
not even weapons that had taken the life of a friend.

I sat in the back of the step van
wrapped in a blanket, looking at the supplies without much interest. 
Louisa had fallen asleep on the floor of the van from exhaustion and her head
was resting on Susan’s lap.  She continued to breathe unevenly in her
sleep from her long bout of sobbing.  Susan stayed seated to accommodate
her sleeping friend, and gently stroked the newly widowed girl’s hair. 
Emilie was riding up front with Gus and Boggs sat next to me, deep in thought.

Eventually we arrived back at the
cabin.  It was late and eerily dark outside.  A wind was blowing in
gusts, whipping at the tree branches violently.  Leaves had built up
around the porch in small piles.  Gus parked facing the cabin so we could
use the headlights from the step van to see, which cast creepy shadows around
the cabin.   

The mood in the van was
grave.  I wasn’t sure I had the energy to stand and walk inside. Gus cut
the engine and I heard Emilie get up and walk back to talk to us.

“We’re here, guys,” she said
quietly.  “Gus wants to get everyone inside quick, and we can bring
supplies in afterward.”

Boggs looked at me.  “You
ready, Zo?” he asked.

I nodded.

“Sue?” Boggs called to his old
fling quietly.

She looked up and seemed unaware
that we had even stopped.  Her face had a look of blankness.  “Hmm?”
she replied.

“I’ll come back for Louisa as soon
as we get the door open.  I’ll need time to clear the way to the back
doors so we can get her out.  Can you sit there with her for a couple
minutes?’

Susan nodded. 
“Ya sure.”

“Zoe, I hate to ask ‘cause I know
you’re tired, but once you are inside can you go upstairs,  light a candle
and turn down Louisa’s bed?  I’ll be right behind you with her,” said
Boggs. He looked up and addressed Susan next.  “Emilie and Gus will make
sure you get in safely.”

Susan nodded in understanding.

Gus had already exited the van
through the driver’s door.  Boggs took a moment to explain.  “Gus is
just checking out the rope knot he tied on the front door.  He’ll come
back to let us know it’s clear soon.”

“Where’s Em?” I asked in a
whisper, realizing she wasn’t near anymore.

“She’s covering him with my pistol
while he unties the knot,” he answered.

“Ok,” was all I
said.

We sat and waited for several
minutes before Gus returned to fetch me.

“Ok, Zoe, the cabin’s all clear
darlin’.  Emilie lit a couple candles in the kitchen so go ahead and take
one upstairs with you.”

I nodded and then looked at Boggs.

 “Go ahead and go up and I’ll
be right behind you with Louisa.  Five minutes tops,” Boggs reassured
me. 

“Ok,” I said sleepily.  “I’ll
get the bed ready.”

I stood and kept the blanket
wrapped around me.  I made sure none of it dragged at my feet to avoid
tripping.  I climbed out through the cab and walked to the front
door.  Emilie was standing there with the Kahr.  She looked pale and
washed out from the headlights.

“It’ll be ok, Zoe,” she said
quietly as I passed her.  “We’ll all be in soon.  I promise.”

I nodded silently then stepped
across the threshold.  The kitchen felt empty.  Perhaps it was me
that felt empty.  I walked to the table and picked up one of the candles
that Em had lit.  I quietly walked to the stairs and climbed to the second
floor.  It was so quiet that I could hear the back doors of the step van
opening when I reached the end of the hallway and prepared to enter Louisa and
Julio’s room.  I walked in and stepped between Susan’s twin bed and
Louisa’s queen.  I set the candle on the bedside table and pulled the
covers down to the foot of the bed.  I absently fluffed the pillows. 
I wished there was more I could do to help, but how do you fix a life lost?

Within a minute or two Boggs
appeared at the door to the bedroom with Louisa in his arms.  She was
awake now, but barely.  I could see fresh tears on her cheeks.  I had
no words to comfort her.  Boggs carried her to the bed and gently laid her
down.  Susan appeared next and walked to the other side of the bed. 
She reached across and pulled Louisa’s shoes off of her feet for her.  She
kicked her own off, and then climbed into the bed with the pregnant girl. 
Boggs and I were standing on opposite sides of the bed, and both helped to pull
the covers over them.  Boggs leaned down and kissed Louisa on the
forehead.  He and I left the room without speaking, leaving the door open
part way.

Once in the hallway, Boggs
whispered to me.  “Gus and Emilie just started bringing in the supplies
from the van.   I’m gonna go help them, then be back up.  
It shouldn’t take long.  Will you be ok?”

“I think so,” I whispered
back.  “I’m just going to lie down if that’s ok?”

He wrapped his strong arms around
me.  “Of course
it’s
ok, Zo.”

I watched him descend the stairs,
then walked into our bedroom and fumbled for the candle and lighter that we
kept in the nightstand drawer.  I found them quickly, and lit the
candle.  I walked the flickering light to the vanity and set it
down.  The last thing I wanted was to be alone in the dark.  I kept
my clothes on, too tired to worry about changing for the night.  I
collapsed onto the bed and turned to face the candle on the vanity.  I
watched the flickering patterns it produced on the wall and tried to not think
about anything.  I closed my eyes and made a wish that when I open them
next I would be back in my own home, and that none of this would have
happened.  I found myself unable to open my eyes when I tried.  Not
unable physically, but unable mentally, because I knew that if I opened them
nothing would have changed.

I began to cry, softly at
first.  My tears continued and it became difficult to breathe.  I
wanted my mom to hold me in her arms and tell me everything would be ok. 
I wanted to curl up into a shrinking ball and disappear.  I wanted Julio
to be back with us.  I wanted the man I had shot to never have existed.

Through my tears and sobbing, I
heard a soft knock on our open bedroom door.

“Zoe, may I come in and talk to
you darlin’?” asked Gus quietly.

I tried to answer, but found
myself only able to exhale in a jagged pattern.  Gus walked through the
doorway and sat on the bed beside me.  He placed a hand on my back and
tried to soothe me.

“Zoe, I’m guessing the others
don’t know what it feels like to take another human life.  I was in
combat, so I do.  There are no secret words of comfort, and to be honest
everyone has to come to terms with it on their own.  I just want you to
know that you made the right decision, and that you saved lives today.”

“It’s not just that, Gus,” I said
between ragged breaths.  “I saw Julio die.  Louisa needs him, how
could he
die
?”

“It’s no one’s fault but the old
coot that pulled the trigger, Zoe.”

“But if I would have thought to
grab the gun sooner, maybe I could have saved him.  Julio, I mean.”

“Zoe, I want you to sit up.”

I sniffled, and slowly pushed
myself up to a sitting position beside the man I had grown to trust with my own
life over the past several days.

“Listen to me, darlin.’  It
is
not
your fault Julio died.  If you ask yourself the ‘what if’s’
you’ll go crazy.  It sucks, losing him, and we all need to be there for
Louisa now. 
You.
  Me.  All of us.”

I nodded, not knowing what to say.

He continued.  “I took the
liberty of going through Wanda’s purse.  I figured since she had terminal
cancer she would probably have some meds with her.  If I give you a pill
will you take it?  To help you sleep?”

“If I do, promise to listen for
zombies tonight?” I asked through my tears.

He sighed softly and ruffled my
hair, then placed his forehead against mine.  “I promise,” he said softly
and very seriously.

“’Kay.”

“I gave Louisa one too.” 

He handed me a small white pill,
and I swallowed it without water.

“Climb under the covers,
Zoe.  I’ll send Boggs up.”

He leaned forward and kissed me on
the cheek.  “It’ll get easier.  I promise.  And if you need to
talk, I’m here.”

“Thanks, Gus,” I said.

“Promise me you’ll find me if you
need to talk.”

I nodded and then slid under the
covers as instructed, and Gus tucked me in.  My eyes felt
heavy,
and my heart heavier. 

I woke sometime during the night
and Boggs wasn’t beside me. 
The candle had either burnt
out or been blown out, leaving the room dark.
  I felt the bed
beside me, even though I was sure Boggs wasn’t there.  I listened and
heard the remaining two men in our group talking. Their voices came from
somewhere downstairs.  I heard the wind howling outside and rain hitting
the metal flashing around the fireplace outlet.  I was terribly cold.

I climbed out of bed and wrapped a
blanket around myself.  I crept to the bathroom using the light in the
hallway that came from the fireplace downstairs.  After drinking water
from the faucet using my hands, I relieved my bladder and then washed my hands
and face.  I walked downstairs and found Gus, Emilie, and Boggs all
sitting near the fire.

“Hey, Zoe,” said Emilie. 
“You ok sweetie?”

“I woke up, I think from the
storm.”

Boggs patted the seat next to him. 
“Come sit?”

I walked to the loveseat and sat
close beside him. 

“You should still be out cold,”
said Gus.