Guard My Heart (11 page)

The redhead grabs Jase by the hand and starts walking. She
takes two full steps before she realizes he is not following her. Jase shakes
his head.

“Alec will be out soon. It’s better if you wait for him.
You girls decided what you want to get? Just because you chose a spot you think
is sexy doesn't mean a tattoo will magically grow there.”

I giggle at his comment. Those are the most words I've
heard him say this whole day. The redhead and her friend glare at me before
sinking down onto the single-seater holding the file between them. If Jase is
training with Alec, that means he is going to get an eye full of this bitch’s
junk whether I like it or not. I slide off my stool and grab my bag. I smile at
Livvy and look at Jase.

“Bye, Jase.” My voice catches on the last part, and I feel
tears climbing up my throat. Why am I sad? Maybe because I intend for that
goodbye to mean more than just a see you later. I grab his smokes and lighter
lying next to him and light one, not bothering to ask first. Once my lungs are
filled with deathly courage, I smile at him and tell Livvy to say bye to Alec
for me. I flip my hoodie over my head, pulling it low over my brimming eyes
before I slip through the door.

***

WHAT GOES BUMP IN THE NIGHT

I have no tears for the monster in my
closet.

I'm not afraid of the bogeyman under my
bed.

The demons in my head fill me with
regret.

No switch of light to chase the horrors
away,

These memories remain, these memories
stay.

What goes bump in the night?

What makes you wrap your blanket tight?

Manmade hell, Manmade pain.

Man made this prison for me to remain.

I wake up to the sound of my door banging against my
dresser shoved in front of it. It’s still dark, so it’s either early morning or
really late.

“Mia, please open the door?” Mom’s voice is soft and
scared.

I curse when my naked feet hit the cold floor, but I move
fast and get the dresser out of the way. Once she's inside, I move it back in
front of the door. Mom’s nightgown is torn in front. It looks like he grabbed
her again and her hair is messy, so it probably happened while she was
sleeping. He is such a damn coward! I stare into her big brown eyes. They are
the same eyes I see every time I look into a mirror.

“Just kick the fucker out, Mom.” I move to the other side
of my bed and shove it against my dresser, effectively barring the door from
any unwelcome visitors. He knows she's in here. It won't be long before he
comes banging on my door. He can bang all he wants. I'm not letting her out
unless he burns this house down. My stepdad is a crazy drunk, so he might even
do it. I hate him. Mom has kicked him out so many times we don’t have enough
fingers and toes to count. Somehow, she thinks she needs him. Maybe she does,
seeing as she doesn't have a job anymore, and he made sure of that. I will
never put up with a man's crap like that. I climb back into bed when Mom sits
down on the chair by the window to keep watch. I pull the thin comforter over
my head and count, waiting for the banging to start.

1-2-3-4

The house is completely quiet.

5-6-7

Footsteps.

8-9-10-11

BANG, BANG, BANG. My thin wooden door rattles from the
force.

“You stupid whore!” he yells.

BANG, BANG, BANG. The wood creaks and groans.

“Hiding behind your slut daughter!”

BANG, BANG, BANG. One of the door panels breaks, and a
small splinter falls to my floor. I'm not a slut, and I'm sure Mom isn't a
whore, or else we would actually have food in this house.

BANG, BANG, BANG, until he gets tired or passes out, I'm
not sure which. I look at the time on my cell—3 a.m. I miss Kyle. Kyle would’ve
kicked his ass. I fall asleep when I’m sure we aren’t going to be cooked alive
and dream of my twin brother and how happy we all were eleven months
ago.

I wake up before my alarm goes off and look around the
room. The dresser has been moved slightly, and Mom is nowhere to be seen. I
jump out of bed, fear turning my stomach. I run down the passage to the kitchen
and stop short when I find Mom making coffee and him sitting at the table with
his head on his arms. He doesn't know I'm standing here, but Mom sees me and
holds a cup out to me. I tiptoe over to her on my bare feet and take the cup,
offering her a small smile. I sip the coffee on my way back to my room. Mom
makes the best coffee. I make my bed and take out my clothes for the day.
Jeans, blue hoodie, and my old ratty sneakers. The only pair of shoes I own.
I've been trying to save for new ones, but Mom has been struggling at home, and
the couple of bucks I get from cleaning around the parlor really aren’t cutting
it.

Thank God, Dad had an education policy for me and Kyle,
that pays for the first year of college.

I wash my hair and shower quickly, I have plenty of time,
but the nicotine cravings are spurring me on. I dress and put on some black
liner before running a brush through my damp hair. I separate the strands
wildly with my fingers and pop my earphones into my ears. I pull my hoodie over
my head and close my bedroom door behind me.

Mom is still in the kitchen, but he is gone. I wave to her
and leave the house.

Two houses down the street, I notice the rusty truck
driving next to me. I look over and see James driving and Lewis sitting next to
him. Jase is sitting in the back. I hit pause on my phone and look at Lewis who
seems to be saying something to me. I take a step closer.

“Need a ride?” he says smirking. I’m sure he means
something totally different than actually giving me a lift to school. But my
eye catches the cigarette nestled between his fingers. I want to say no because
saying yes would mean I have to sit in the back with Jase, but the cravings get
the better of me. Cravings for what I’m not sure. Jase or the nicotine? I grab
the smoke from Lewis before climbing rather gracelessly into the
back.

Jase flashes his wicked smile at me, and I can't help but
wonder what he’s thinking. Jase is quiet the entire drive to campus. Even
though it only lasts about five minutes. He doesn’t even move. I find myself
staring at the chaffed points of his black boots the entire way.

I'm lifted suddenly from the back of the truck by Lewis,
and he spins me in the air before putting me down and placing a soft kiss on my
head. His lips linger on my head for a little while longer than necessary,
before he inhales deeply through his nose. Did Lewis just sniff me?

“Have a good one, baby girl,” he says before climbing back
into the truck.

I blink my eyes a couple of times trying to figure out
what the hell just happened. And then I realize I don’t really mind. I like the
way Lewis is always teasing me. It makes me feel normal. Jase swings himself off
the back of the truck. The black shirt he is wearing rides up and reveals a
sliver of taut flesh on his belly. A swarm of butterflies take flight in my
stomach, and my skin tingles and warms all over. He isn't wearing a hoodie
today, but he still has those sexy locks covered in a black beanie. The look
gives him a kind of rock star appearance, and I imagine a group of girls
swarming him and swooning at his feet. Jase stops a few feet ahead of me. The
side of his mouth turns up deliciously, and he tilts his head towards the
building. I walk towards him quickly and picture myself stretching out my hand
towards his waiting form. Mentally, I'm kicking my ass for having these silly
thoughts, but I can't help smiling at the idea.

Jase walks me to my first class and with a brief nod
disappears down the hall.

***

Jase isn't in either of my two classes before my break,
and I almost run across the street to Alec's parlor. Disappointment sinks like a
rock in my stomach when I realize he isn't there. I walk through to the kitchen
and try not to let the disappointment show on my face. My high of this morning
is now completely gone.

I make the three cups of coffee and take a seat on the
outside table at the back of the store. I light the smoke I managed to buy
during my second class. But even my salvation of nicotine has no effect on me.
Smoking and writing, the two things that always make me feel better. I watch
the smoke curl around my fingers as Alec takes a seat next to me. I nip the
smoke. I’ll smoke it later when I can actually taste the damn thing.

“What's up, baby girl?” he asks. Alec is like a big
brother to me. A really big brother with brightly colored tattoos over bulging
forearms. He has big, blue, friendly eyes that are watching me a little too
closely right now.

I shrug. “Nothing much today. I don't think I can come by
this afternoon. Mom and he had a fight last night. I don't want her to be alone
if he gets home.” I sound whiny, and maybe I am because that means I won’t see
Jase.

“Not much to do here today. Livvy, Jase, and I can handle
it. Speaking of the boy, he is quite good. Did his first tattoo last night. I
think he's practiced somewhere before.” It’s odd that Alec calls Jase a boy, he
isn’t that much older than us.

The thought of Jase being here while I’m stuck at home
makes tears ride up my throat. Once every now and again I’m reminded of how
much my life sucks. Days like these strangle my heart until it barely moves in
my chest. I shake my head and down the rest of my coffee before slamming the
cup down twice shooter style. I light the nipped cigarette.

“See you tomorrow, Alec,” I say cheerily. That's my
talent. Never let anyone see what you truly feel. I wave to Livvy on my way out,
and she waves back.

I take a deep drag from the cigarette once I'm outside. I
watch the glowing ember burn bright orange before I kill it on my
wrist.

The beeping of my alarm lets me know the dreaded day has
arrived. It’s my 19th birthday. The same day I shared with my twin brother who
died while we were on summer vacation last year.

The creak of my door opening pulls my eyes away from the
ceiling and to Mom. I watch her walk towards me with a small cupcake in her
hand. The single flame of the candle on top dances happily. Childish joy
bubbles in my chest, and I scramble up against my head board.

“Happy birthday, Angel. May all your wishes come true,”
Mom says before sitting down on the bed. I take a deep breath, close my eyes,
and blow out the candle. I wish for a lost bad boy with pitch black hair and
eyes as green as the greenest meadow. A flash of guilt surges through me for my
selfish wish. I should wish for a better life for me and Mom.

Mom reaches down and pulls a square box wrapped in pink
paper from under my bed. I'm sure I look like a goof with my big grin, and I
grab her around her neck.

“Thanks, Mom!” I yell, taking the box from her and tearing
into the paper. I lift the lid and gasp at the beautiful black boots inside. I
lift one up and see a red and black checked miniskirt tucked under the
remaining boot. Tears well up in my eyes, and I scrub them away roughly. Mom
has the happiest look on her face. I don't want to ruin this for her, but I
know there's no way she can afford this.

“Mom, this is beautiful, but how did you buy this?” I ask
her carefully.

Her smile falters slightly, but she fixes it right up.
“Don't you worry about it. Now put those on. I’ll wait downstairs,” she says
before walking out of the room.

I put the boots back into the box and make my bed. I
shower quickly, trying to win some extra minutes with Mom before I have to leave
for school. I'm happy, but there's a dark fog lurking at the edge of my mind. It
creeps toward my conscious, clouding my head with unnecessary thoughts. I slap
it away trying to stay cheery. I will not ruin this for Mom but I can't help
wondering where she got the money for my gift. I push the question away one
more time and decide that I won’t ask Mom about it again. I will have to find
out on my own.

I hunt in my closet for something decent to wear with my
new skirt and boots. I should have a plain black jersey in here somewhere along
with some tights. I only wore those once, eleven months ago to Kyle’s funeral.

“Happy birthday, bro!” I say to no one. And “I’m so
sorry,” I whisper to my empty room. I squeeze my eyes closed tightly to keep the
welling tears inside, but when I pull on the tights, there's a small run on the
right leg and the first tear sneaks out. Suddenly, I feel defeated. Do I just
make the run longer and make a matching one on the other side? I shake my head,
remembering Mom’s smiling face this morning. No, Mom wouldn't like that. I put
on my skirt and jersey and fix my hair into a loose side braid to hang over my
shoulder. I put the black knitted cap hanging on the side of my dresser onto my
head. That way some of my hair is covered. I grab my cupcake and bag and head
to the kitchen.

He already left for work, so I sit down at the table where
Mom is waiting with two cups of coffee. I smile at her and break my cupcake in
half to share with her. She smiles brightly as she takes a big bite out of it.

“You look beautiful, Mia. I can't believe you grew up so
fast. And I like your hair,” she says.

I blush and look down at the table. Mom is a beautiful
woman. I've got her dark brown hair but currently my head is an array of red
and black stripes. I also got Mom’s big brown eyes. Kyle had Dad’s blue eyes
but Mom’s dark hair. I miss Kyle. I know Mom does too. I can see it in the way
she's looking at me right now. Like she's wondering what he'd be doing if he
were here. I should’ve died, not Kyle. He would’ve meant so much more to Mom
than me.

I finish my coffee and walk over to Mom to give her a kiss
on the cheek. I'm halfway to the door when I remember my cupcake and run back
for it. Mom is sitting back in her chair holding her cup with both her hands.
She tilts her head to the side and looks at me confused. I reach over the table
for my half of the cupcake. It’s then that I see how Mom was able to buy my
present. Her gold wedding band that she wore on her necklace is gone. The
realization makes me stumble, and my hipbone knocks into the side of the table.
I jump upright and rub at the stinging flesh. The emotional rollercoaster I’ve
been on all morning finally crashes. Tears spring up in my eyes. Mom sold her
ring for me. Her wedding ring. The only thing she had left of Dad. A loud sob
escapes my throat. I’m aware of Mom watching me, so I rub the spot where I
banged my hip against the table. It works because Mom mistakes my tears as tears
of pain. She walks over to me and hugs me tightly while laughing softly.

“You’re such a klutz, you get that from me. I’m sorry for
cursing you with two left feet. Have a good day at school, honey,” she says on
a soft smile. She looks truly happy when I look up into her face; I have to
smile back. I hug her back and swallow the remainder of my tears. I head out
the door with my cupcake in my hand, bag over my shoulder. When I’m outside, I
take a big bite of the cupcake. The pink icing is sweet and delicious and
tastes like bubblegum.

The rusty truck passes right by me, and I'm a little hurt
that they didn't stop to give me a ride today. Then the reverse lights come on,
and I swipe my fingers over my lips to make sure I don’t have any icing on my
face.

“Mia?” Lewis asks disbelieving. And then “Damn, you look
mighty fine this morning,” he adds while he eyes my up and down.

It feels good to get a compliment, and I walk over to them
smiling brightly. Despite my discovery about Mom’s ring, I'm still happy. I
don’t know how long it’s going to last. This is my first birthday without Kyle.
I should be miserable, but I can’t let Mom’s effort to make this day happy go
to waste.

Before Lewis can open his door, Jase jumps off the back of
the truck and takes my bag from me. He eyes my cupcake and I smile.

“Do you want a bite? It’s really good,” I say, holding up
the small piece that’s left. He smiles and moves closer to where I'm holding
the piece out to him. His lips brush my fingers as they close around the soft,
spongy goodness. I close my eyes and breathe out slowly. I'm sure I just died.
My heart flutters wildly in my chest.

“Come on, Mia,” Jase laughs, and I snap my eyes open. I
pop my finger into my mouth and suck off the pink icing left on my fingers. Jase
eyes me strangely. His intense green eyes holding my brown ones captive.
There’s something in those eyes I haven’t seen before.

Jase breaks the connection first, and my stomach sinks
with disappointment. Then he climbs into the back of the truck and holds his
hand out to me. I take it, grateful for the help. I'm wearing a skirt after all.
And while Jase pulls me into the back, I’m sure I hear Lewis groan from the
front. Jase lights a smoke and hands it to me. The wind is chilly through my
thin jersey, and I move closer to the front of the truck, and he moves closer to
me. He drops his arm around my shoulders. The smoke I'm exhaling catches in my
throat when I feel the warm weight of his arm against the back of my neck. I
cough loudly. Jase chuckles and settles me back next to him when my coughing
fit subsides. I hand the cigarette to him and stare at my new boots.

“Besides your deadly smoking habit, you eat cupcakes for
breakfast? You’re not very health conscious, are you?” he asks, leaning closer
to me. His warm breath tickles my cheek. I pull my sleeves over my hands and
smile. If I had cupcakes for breakfast every day, I would be a very happy girl.

“It's my birthday,” I whisper softly. I'm not sure why I
said anything. At first I'm not sure he heard me, but then his finger slides
under my chin, and he tilts my head up to look at him. THUD, THUD, THUD. My
heart hammers in my chest. I swear his eyes swallow me and I fall, weightless
and drifting into oblivion.

“Happy birthday to you,” he says before his lips meet mine
so soft, I sigh. Jase pulls away from me and smiles. “Today is going to be a
good day,” he says more to himself than to me.

When we stop in front of the school, Jase jumps out
quickly. He pushes Lewis back into the truck with a stern look on his face. He
lifts me off the side of the truck and turns me to face the guys sitting in
front.

“It's Mia’s birthday today. We should do something," he
says.

Although his body is turned toward Lewis and James, he is
speaking to me. He is asking me but also telling me. I nod and smile at the
guys.

“I have something to do after school, but I’m okay with
doing something,” I say. I try to straighten my face out but it’s no use. I'm
grinning like a goof again.

“Can I get a birthday kiss, Mia?” Lewis asks, opening his
door. His dimples wink at me cheerfully. Jase slams his hand into the door,
banging Lewis’s leg in between the door and the truck.

“Ouch! What the fuck, Jase?” Lewis moans, rubbing his leg.
My eyes dart between the two guys and James laughing loudly. What was that? Is
it going to start a fight? Jase just lifts two fingers to his brow and salutes
them before pulling me towards the school by my hand. I turn and wave at James
and Lewis as they drive off. James is still laughing, but Lewis looks bitchy,
not mad, just sulky. I laugh and shake my head. Once we hit the stairs leading
up to school, I become very aware that I'm dressed different than my normal
torn jeans, sneakers and hoodie. It also feels like the hand Jase is holding
onto is on fire. I will be happily scorched alive. I'm not giving his hand up
until he tells me to. He might let go of mine once we get inside the old grey
building, so I’m treasuring every second.

Snickers and whispers reach my ears as we walk up the
stairs and down the corridor. Either Jase doesn't hear it, or he doesn't give a
shit. I'm not so lucky to just tune them out, and my head whips to the side on
a particular hurtful comment. I hate people talking behind my back. If you have
shit to say, say it to my face where I can set you straight or kick your ass. I
glare at Christopher Thorn and take a step in his direction, but Jase pulls me
back. How is he still smiling? I flip Christopher off and follow Jase through
the door of our first class. It’s English literature, and Jase sits down next
to me, still holding my hand. Miss Hatwick is still absent and our assignment
is on the board. One word is written in big, bold letters on the chalk-dusted,
green board.

HAPPINESS

I look down at my fingers entwined with those of Jase’s
and smile. HAPPINESS.

Jase digs around inside my bag as if he does it every day
and takes my writing pad and pen out, placing it on my desk. He doesn't let go
of my hand as he takes his supplies out as well. The only problem is I'm right
handed; I need the hand tucked safely into his to complete my assignment. Jase
starts writing his name and the date on his page.

JASE LYLE.

He stops to look at me. I shrug and glance at our hands.

“Looks like I'm writing for you,” he says calmly and
writes his one sentence:

Finding your reason in all the chaos.

I repeat the sentence in my head, hoping that for once
some ray of light will shine on me and make me that reason. My heart speeds up
into a giddy gallop when I realize what that would mean for me. The thought
makes me shift in my seat. He catches the movement, and I pretend to look at
what he is doing. Jase studies my face for a second before turning to a new page
on his writing pad. He writes my name and the date on a new page.

“Mia-Jae Andrews,” I say when he only writes Mia on the
page. I’m joking with him. I never use my full name.

“Spell,” he says playfully but doesn’t wait for me to do
so. “So Mia-Jae Andrews, what does happiness mean to you?” he asks.

The silver ring in his lip glistens in the fluorescent
lights when his lip curls up into that wicked grin. I’m distracted and staring
at his mouth as I blurt out “cupcakes and happy birthday kisses” before my
brain thinks my response through.

Shit!

Jase laughs and squeezes my hand. I blush and look
down.

“Please don't write that,” I plead softly.

Jase stays quiet while I think. Today has been a great
day. I can't think of a time I felt happier than this morning.

“When you find the missing piece and everything fits,” I
say softly, and I watch the ink flow from the pen he’s holding and onto the
page. My words look so much more beautiful in his hand writing. Maybe I can get
him to write all my poems. Dark will never win when I’m faced with those
beautiful letters. I also realize how similar our answers are. I’m so happy at
this moment. But I know Jase is hiding something. His eyes hold deep, dark
shadows that threaten to pull anyone not strong enough under. I carry my own
shadows around. I lock them away in the deep, dark corners of my mind. But they
don’t stay there. How can I help Jase fight his demons when mine defeat me every
day?

Jase puts our stuff back into our bags and leads us to the
front of the room when the TA dismisses class for the day. He comes to a stop a
few feet outside the door. He places a soft kiss on the inside of my wrist.
When he lets go of my hand for the first time since we climbed out of the
truck, I immediately miss the feel of his strong fingers entwined with
mine.