In Name Only (51 page)

She heard a
toddler squeal and turned to watch the little girl with her mother.  Caroline
so infrequently left her children at home and when she did, it was often with
Jane, who was like a second mother to them.  Today Jane had been insistent on
traveling to downtown Philadelphia so Caroline had decided to accompany her.

She had arranged
with Jane to meet in front of the new location of Wanamaker’s Department Store
at one-thirty.  It was only one-twenty but Caroline had become disinterested
with window shopping and decided to return to the department store earlier.

A half block or
so away,  she noticed Jane with another woman and, at first, was relieved that
Jane was already there so that she would not have to wait.  However, as
Caroline moved closer to the pair, she recognized the other woman was Missy. She
felt awkward, although she wasn’t sure why, and stepped back.

Caroline watched
the two women from across the street, behind a parked carriage, the horse
snorting every few minutes. Occasionally, a horse and buggy would ride by and
block her view.  As Jane and Missy talked, Missy’s son hugged his mother’s
skirts.  Missy seemed much thinner than she remembered her and she looked like
she was crying.  Her hands were waving as she was speaking to Jane, who was
nodding and had a sympathetic expression on her face.

A feeling within
urged her to remain hidden for now. Her eyes wandered to young Will, still
clutching his mother’s skirt. 

All of a sudden,
the boy pulled away and glanced across the street at Caroline, still standing
behind the parked buggy.  She lifted up her hand to wave, then drew it back. 
However, his expression, the way he looked up, seemed familiar to her.  He
turned and clutched his mother’s dress once again.

Missy embraced
Jane and quickly rushed across the street.  Caroline ducked out of sight, but
again, little Will turned around and stared at her.  The look on his face was
strangely recognizable.

Caroline crossed
the street and approached Jane. “Did you tell Missy that you were carrying,
Jane?”

“No, Ma’am, I
didn’t.  Missy’s not doing very well.”

“Yes, she was
crying.”

“She is. . .”

“Now, Jane, you
can tell me.”

Jane took a deep
breath then began to rub her hands together.

“She helped me by
nursing my son.  I owe her so much.  Is she in trouble or something?”

“No, Ma’am, she’s
not in trouble. . .well,  yes, she is in trouble. She’s sick, very sick, and
she doesn’t know what to do.”

“Well, I will
help her.  It’s as simple as that.”

“She’s got cancer
and she’s dying.”

Caroline gasped.
“Oh, no.  And poor Will, what a dear little boy he is.”

“Yes, Ma’am.” 
Jane stared at Caroline, her servant’s mouth formed a straight line, opened as
if to speak, then closed again.

“What is it,
Jane?”

“I’m just not
sure if I should. . .”

“What exactly did
Missy ask for?  Does she need money?”

“Yes, but I think
she’s more concerned about what’s going to happen to her Will.”

“Oh, no.  That
poor little boy.”

“She’s not
wanting to take him to the orphanage.”

“Well, doesn’t he
have a father? Has she told him of her illness?”

“No, she hasn’t,
not yet.”

“Well, he should
do right by her and take his child.”

“Yes, I suppose
he should, but Missy hasn’t. . .”

“Does he even
know about Will?”

Jane’s head
lowered.  “No, Ma’am, he doesn’t.  What I mean is, he doesn’t know that Will is
his child.”

“Do you know this
man, Jane?”

She hesitated,
then responded, “Yes, I do.”

“I suppose it
will be quite a shock for him.”

“Yes, but it may
be a bigger shock to his wife.” Jane was looking at her with a strange
expression.

“He’s married? 
That’s awful.  But Missy must let him know and he should do right for the
child.  Will’s his responsibility too.”

Jane remained
silent and stared at Caroline for a moment, then glanced away.  When the
servant again looked in Caroline’s direction, her expression was filled with
anxiety.

“Do you not agree
with me, Jane?”

“Well. . .”

“Jane, this whole
conversation is making you uncomfortable.” Her voice sounded concerned.  “You
should know that you can discuss anything with me.”

“Well, I. .
.Will. . .is. . .well, he is. . .”

“Yes?”

“Will is. . .”

“Yes, Jane, Will
is quite a beautiful little boy with dark, curly hair.  Just like David and John.
. .” Caroline stopped.  Jane had said that she knew the man who was the father
of Will.

The vision of the
family portrait in the study and of David, with dark curly hair and a
mischievous expression came to her mind.  Then the toddler Will’s image, the
similarity. Caroline shook her head.  To even think such a preposterous thought
would be disloyal to David.  She looked at Jane, whose eyebrows were raised,
waiting. The servant then shifted her stance and avoided eye contact.

“What is wrong,
Jane?  Why are you acting in such a manner?”

“I don’t know
what to say, Ma’am.”

“Why are you. .
.”  Caroline bit down on her lip.  Was it possible? Caroline couldn’t think
it.  No, it couldn’t be true.  “Will’s father, could it be. . .”  Jane’s eyes
widened. There would only be one reason Jane could be acting so peculiar. 

“Oh, no, Jane.
Is. . .David . .Will’s. . .father?”

“I don’t know
what to say.”

“You need to tell
me the truth.” Caroline reached out to grasp Jane’s shoulders.  Several passers
by stared at the two women.

“Please.”
Caroline was now raising her voice.  “I need to know.”

Jane nodded.
“Yes, Mr. David is the father of Missy’s Will.”

For a few
seconds, Caroline was stunned, her eyes wide and although her mouth was open,
no words, nor any rational thoughts could come to her. She was finding it hard
to breathe.

“He. . .told me
he’s been faithful to me,” she said with tear-filled eyes.

“It happened
while you and Mr. David were courting, before you got married at the Cathedral.
That doesn’t make it better, but. . .”

“I can’t believe
it.  I can’t believe he. . .”

“Mr. David’s a
good man.  Good men make mistakes.”

Caroline’s eyes
were now so clouded with tears, it became difficult for her to see.  She stood
motionless on the street.

“We need to be
getting home.  Kip’s waiting.”

Caroline nodded
blankly as she allowed Jane to walk her to the carriage a few blocks away.

The half-hour
trip was spent with Caroline sobbing quietly and Jane sitting close to her
mistress, awkwardly rubbing her back.  As they rode closer to the O’Donovan
mansion, Jane whispered to Caroline, “Do you want me to tell Mr. David you
don’t feel well or are you going to be speaking with him?”

Caroline stared
blankly at Jane.

“Missy’s needing
an answer.  She needs to get her Will taken care of as soon as possible.”

All at once, the
sudden realization that not only had David been unfaithful to her, but now
there was a child. They would need to discuss whether they would take him in,
David’s own flesh and blood.  She shuddered at the idea of approaching David,
of saying anything to him. “I’m not ready to face him yet.  I must. . .I need
time.  Perhaps you can tell him I’m unwell.”  Caroline used her handkerchief to
wipe away her tears.

“Yes, of course,
Ma’am.”

When they arrived
home, Kip assisted Caroline and Jane out of the carriage. Caroline glanced at
Kip and he offered her a sympathetic smile.  She supposed that Kip and the rest
of the servants already knew about this horrid secret.

Caroline nervously
scanned the property for any sign of David. 

Off in the
distance, toward the pond, David and Kathleen were running and allowing little
John to chase after them.  Hallie was on the veranda with Isaac.

“Tell David I’m
not well and that I won’t be down for supper.  If you could watch the children
for me, it would be most appreciated.”

“I’d be happy to
do that for you.”

Caroline ran
toward the porch and rushed past Hallie, without acknowledging the servant. 
“Miss Caroline, are you unwell?” she heard as she hurried up the stairs.

A short while
later, Caroline sat on her bed, sobbing.  She shoved her fist in her mouth to
stop the noise.  Her husband had done that most intimate act of marriage with
other women before, but Will was just over two years old. This was after he had
supposedly changed.

And now there was
a child, an innocent little boy, who didn’t deserve the fate that was about to
befall him.  And where will he go?  Would David agree to take him in?  Could
she even take care of Will, knowing that he would be a constant reminder of her
husband’s unfaithfulness?

A quiet knock at
the door made her jerk upright on the bed.

“Caroline, it’s
me. Jane said you’re not feeling well.  May I come in?”

“No, David, you
may not.”  Her voice sounded muffled.

A few seconds of
silence followed.  “What?  Did you say no?”

“Yes, I did. 
Leave me alone.  I’m not ready to speak with you.”

“What in the
world is going on?”  The door knob rattled. Caroline threw her handkerchief
across the room and stomped to the door and flung it open.  David, his eyes
wide, stepped back in surprise. “You’ve been crying,” he said, in a soft,
tender tone of voice.

She glared at
him, making eye contact.  “I told you that I’m not ready to speak with you
yet!” she yelled at him.

“Not ready?”  His
eyebrows were raised and he was regarding her with a confused expression.

She shook her
head.  “But since you insist, come in.”

He pulled at his
cravat and his eyes darted around the room.

She regarded him
bitterly for several moments, keeping her gaze directed at his face.  He didn’t
say anything, but he shifted from side to side, avoiding eye contact.  Every
few seconds he looked at her face to see her frowning back at him.

“You. . .you told
me,” she bit her lip to keep it from quivering.  “You told me you’d been
faithful to me.” 

All at once, he
gasped, and all the color had drained from his normally swarthy face.  “What
are you talking about, Caroline?  You know about my past.”

“I’m not talking
about your past.  I’m talking about when we started courting.  After our kiss
at the pond.”

“What do you
mean?”

She allowed a
minute of awkward silence to hang in the air.  David continued to shift from
side to side, sighing every few seconds.

Caroline blurted
out, “Missy.”

His eyes widened,
then he glanced away, avoiding eye contact. “I. . .don’t know what to say.”

“You told me
you’d been faithful.”

He now brought
his gaze up and stared at her.  “I have been faithful since the first day we
truly became husband and wife.”

“And I’m supposed
to believe that now?”

“It’s true.”

“But you told me
you made a vow to God that you wouldn’t do that again.” 

“I know, but she
practically. . .you can’t imagine how much I have hated myself for it.”  He
paused.  “It was a momentary weakness.  I had not been with a woman in more
than a year.”

“Go on.”

“I was at the pub
and got into a fight and she was there and she helped me to her room.  When I
came home, I couldn’t look at you.”

Caroline nodded.
“I thought I had done something wrong.”

“Just the
opposite.  I have hated myself for it.”  He stepped forward and she shook her
head.  “If you could just find it in your heart to forgive me.”

She turned her
back on him and folded her arms over her chest.

“I eventually
went to Confession and told the priest that I couldn’t forgive myself for what
I did and he told me that God forgives me and that I should forgive myself. 
I’m so sorry, Caroline.  Please, please forgive me.” His voice was cracking and
he was stifling back a sob.

Her back facing
him, she responded, “I. . .don’t know if I. . .”

She could hear
him sniffling.

A few silent,
uncertain moments crept by. Her husband sighed a few times as if urging her to
speak to him.  But part of her remained hurt, angry.  It took every ounce of
self-control she possessed not to pounce at him. Then from the depths of her
heart, she remembered. 
Will
.