In Name Only (52 page)

“You have a –
Missy has a son, David, your son,” she said, turning around to face him.

He gasped. 
“What?”

“Will, he’s your.
. .son.”

He slumped
against the door, silent.

Caroline let
herself exhale, unaware that she had been holding her breath.  “You told me
that you had been faithful.”

“Caroline, we
weren’t truly married yet.”

“Please tell me
you are not going to defend this.”

“No, I’m not. But
I love you, Caroline, I. . .”

“Don’t.  Stop.  I
don’t want to hear that right now.”

“I’m sorry,
Caroline.”

“I’m not ready to
forgive you yet.  You can’t simply say I’m sorry and make everything fine
again.”

“Well, then I
don’t know what to say.”

“Missy has cancer
and she’s dying.”

“What?”

“The reason Jane
wanted to go into the city was to meet with Missy.  She’s sick and she’s dying.
She needs money and somebody to take care of Will.”

“Oh, no.” David
was shaking his head.

“David, right
now, I need to be left alone.  I don’t want to discuss this.  I can’t.”  She
turned away from him and began to sob quietly.

“Caroline. . .”

“Get out. Leave me
alone.”

She heard the
door open and close.

How could he
have been unfaithful?  How could he have allowed even a momentary weakness?  If
he was unfaithful that time, how can I be sure he won’t do it again?  God,
please give me the ability to forgive him.  I’m just so angry at him right now
.

Caroline
collapsed on the bed and pounded the pillow until her fists became red.  She
held her palm to her chest to quiet her thundering heart. Then, covering her
face with her hands, she allowed the tears to flow.

Fatigue finally
swept over her and she fell asleep, escaping to her dreams. 

“Miss Caroline?”
Jane said through her door.

She roused enough
to say, “Yes, Jane, what is it?”

Caroline lifted
herself off the bed and combed back her hair with her hands before she opened
the door.  Jane raised her eyebrows in anxious anticipation.  “How are you
feeling now?”

“My whole world,
as I know it, has just fallen apart.  I just want to run away.”

“Did you and Mr.
David talk about. . .”

“No, Jane.  I
just couldn’t speak about it any longer. Thankfully, I fell asleep.”

“Please, Miss
Caroline, Missy needs an answer as soon as possible.”

Caroline kept
silent for a moment, then spoke quietly. “Very well.  Where is David?”

“I think he’s in
the nursery reading a story to the children.”

Caroline stepped
into the hallway and listened.  She could hear the distant sound of David’s
voice several rooms away.

“Perhaps you can
allow him to finish the story, then I’ll speak with him, here, in my room. 
That will provide me a few moments to compose myself.”

“Yes, fine.”

Caroline closed
the door. She sat down at her vanity table and stared at her image in the
mirror. Her eyes were red and swollen, her complexion pale.

How will I
forgive him?
  She knew about the many women he had bedded before, when he
was the old David, but he had supposedly changed. Up until now, she had never
doubted his fidelity, never even suspected.  Wasn’t it enough that she had
already forgiven him for past indiscretions?  And what about the child? She
slammed her fist on the table.

“Caroline, it’s
me,” David said through the closed door.

She took a deep
fortifying breath, then another.  She bolted up and walked to the door, her
hand squeezing the knob but refusing to turn it.

“Are you in
there?”

She hesitated for
a moment, then opened up the door.  He was standing in the hallway, one hand on
the door frame, the other about to knock. “Jane said you wanted to speak with
me.”

She simply nodded
and stepped aside to allow him to enter.  Once he was in her room, she closed
the door. Both remained silent.  Caroline tried to form her words carefully.

“I’m trying to
figure out what would have caused you to do this.”

“I don’t know
what to say, Caroline.  I’m so sorry for hurting you.”

“Help me to. .
.understand this,” she whispered, her eyes watering, her voice trembling.

“I don’t
understand it myself.  I made a mistake.  It was hard for me to even forgive
myself.”

Caroline couldn’t
think.  Her heart was heavy with pain.  What else could be said?

They turned their
heads toward the closed door and the children’s distant laughter beyond it.

“He’s. . .your
son, David.”  Caroline said, again her eyes beginning to water.  She stared at
him, studying his face.  His expression was so regretful, so repentant, that
despite her anger, her heart began to soften. Caroline’s voice was cracking. 
“This child and our son, they look. . .so much like you.”

His gaze lowered
and he kept silent.

“What should we
do, David?  This child, your flesh and blood, needs a home.  Missy needs
treatment.”

“I will pay for
her care, whatever the cost.”

“I suppose that
will be a start.”  Caroline waited until he made eye contact with her.  “He is
your son,” she whispered.

David looked off
in the distance, his eyes unfocused.  “Caroline, I know what my
responsibilities are, but what do you think we should do?”

Caroline thought
for a moment before answering. David had made a mistake, and whether she liked
it or not, Will was his son.  As difficult as it would be, she knew there was
only one answer.  “We should take your child in.”

“That’s very
generous and unselfish of you, Caroline. But do you realize it will be painful
for you to have a reminder of my infidelity around day in and day out?”

She hesitated,
then quietly said, “Yes.”

“I don’t want my
child to be placed in an orphanage or raised by someone else.” David inched
closer to her, his expression tender.  At that moment, she wanted to say “I
forgive you,” but the pain was too fresh, too deep and she couldn’t imagine it
lessening.

“If there is a
way for you to forgive me. . . ”

She began to weep
again and he gathered her into his arms.  She didn’t resist him, but now clung
to him. 
Lord, please help me to forgive him
.

Chapter 64

For David, there
was a certain relief that his secret was now in the open.  And a child.  Deep
down, he had suspected that Will might be his son, but he had managed to
convince himself otherwise.  He tried to forget that whole incident as it would
only remind him of what he had done to Caroline.  David knew that there was no
forgetting, no starting over, only living with the mistakes which are made.

And the way that
his wife stared at him, not with detached disdain but with intimate betrayal,
remained with him like a second skin.

David was glad
that they were not sharing a bed.  If they hadn’t already been sleeping apart,
this revelation would most certainly have meant that Caroline would not share
his bed.  And who knows if they would ever again share the pleasures and
intimacies of the marriage bed.  At least now he had had nearly two years of
practice at celibacy.  Although he still experienced many moments of
temptation, he continued to keep his vow of faithfulness.

How would he tell
her that the only temptations he felt in the past two years were to share her
bed and to unite physically with his wife, the only person in the world he
desired?

Some nights, in
the soft gray moments before sleep came, he would feel that urge welling up and
growing within him, and yet he knew that he could not surrender to it, not yet
anyway, for Caroline’s safety.

There was a quiet
knock at his door, so slight that he wondered whether he had even heard it. A
few seconds later, the rapping became more pronounced.  David quickly opened
the door. Caroline’s back was toward him as she stood in the hallway.  She
slowly turned to face him.  She was dressed in a robe.

“I couldn’t
sleep.”

He nodded.  He
wanted to embrace her, to again take her in his arms and squeeze her until she
molded into him.  Shaking off the thought, he stepped aside and motioned for
her to come into his room.

She glanced at
his bed, then lowered her head.

“How did you. .
.what caused you to. . .”

“Caroline.”  He
stepped forward and placed his hands on her shoulders. She shook her head and
stepped back.

“Don’t, David. 
I. . .I need to know how it happened.”

“How it
happened?” 
How do I explain this to her?
  He said nothing for a few
moments.  Then, from the silence came his voice, almost in a whisper.  “My
first mistake was taking a drink, becoming complacent, thinking I would only
take one.

“In addition,” he
continued, “I realized that I had become self-righteous, thinking that I was
better than everyone else. . .”

“But what made
you want a drink in the first place?”

“The dream, or
more appropriately, the nightmare.”

“What nightmare?”

“I had dreamt
twice before that, that you and I were. . .well, enjoying the fruits of a true
husband and wife, if you know what I mean.”

“Oh.”

“In the dream,
after we’d. . .finished, Liam is standing over us with a gun and it ends with
him pulling the trigger.”

“Oh dear.”

“And shooting
you.”

Caroline let out
a startled gasp.

“I woke up and I
just couldn’t handle it, especially since we had kissed earlier in the day. 
Just the possibility of you being shot. . .well,  I thought one drink would do
it.”

“You must know
that Liam would never have done anything like that.”

“That’s the
absurd part.  He despised guns.  When Father died, Lee insisted that I move the
gun cabinet to my room because he couldn’t bear to even look at it in the
downstairs parlor.”  He paused for a few seconds. “I’m the one who doesn’t have
a problem shooting, but I guess part of me believed that perhaps he was coming
back to haunt me.”

“Liam wouldn’t. .
.”

“I know.  Anyway,
I went to the pub near the Cathedral, and I took part in a poker game. I was
losing, badly, from what I recall, then I got into a fight. I didn’t know it at
the time, but Missy was working there.  Evidently, I lost the fight.  The next
thing I remember I was in Missy’s room above the tavern and. . .well, you know
the rest.

“I haven’t had a
single drink since.  Father Flaherty advised me not to drink because it’s
impossible for me to make good decisions when I’m drinking. I guess I’m just
like my father.”

“No, you aren’t. 
You’re different now.” She paused.  “But how do I know you won’t do this
again?”

“Please believe
me.  I would never hurt you.”

“You. . .
already. . . have.”  Her voice trembled.  “How can I ever trust you again?”

“I’m different
now.  I don’t drink.  We haven’t shared a bed in almost two years and I have
been faithful this entire time. I am changed.  When this first happened, I didn’t
want for us to continue our romance.  I wished that you would return to hating
me.  I wasn’t sure I could ever be faithful to you and I guess that was my way
to protect you. Father Flaherty helped me to see that I could be faithful, but
that I couldn’t do it without God’s grace.”

She took a deep
breath. “My heart. . .”Caroline began to weep again.

David stepped
forward, wanting so desperately to embrace her and rip away her pain.  She
shook her head, a warning, and held her hand up.

“My heart feels like
it’s been torn to shreds.”

David bit on his
bottom lip in an effort to keep his eyes from watering.  He didn’t want her to
witness his agony while she was forced to endure her own.

“I know that I
must forgive you, David, but it’s going to take some time to. . .become
accustomed to all this.”

“I know.”  They
stood quietly for a moment. 

“Good night,
David.”

“Good night.”

*  *  *

Caroline usually
looked forward to visiting with Uncle and Elizabeth. However, today was
anything but normal and she dreaded their arrival.  She would have to recount
the events of the past few days, and she wished that she could forget rather
than repeat the horrid news.  On the veranda, she watched them climb down from
the carriage.  The expressions on both Elizabeth’s and Uncle’s faces were
somber.