Lovely Shadows (11 page)

“We have sex again,” I teased, poking him lightly in the chest.

“Then what?”

“Um, I'm not sure what you're getting at.”

He took a deep breath then slowly exhaled. “I want to make a commitment to you, Jessa. Yes, I want to have sex with you, but I want you to know that whether we have sex now or ten years from now, I plan on spending the rest of my life with you.”

“Levi, are you...proposing to me?”

He laughed. “Kind of. Here.” He reached into his pocket and pulled out a thin silver necklace. His class ring dangled as a charm. Slipping it over my head, he said, “This is my commitment to you. When we graduate high school or college or whenever you tell me you're ready, I'll buy you the diamond you deserve.”

“Levi, this is...” Words failed me. In the last week, I'd devoted more time obsessing over a freaking ghost than over my own boyfriend. Levi loved me, and wanted to spend his life with me. Aidan couldn't make that promise. In fact, Aidan was gone now. Why was I crying over a dead boy who couldn't cry over me?

I cupped Levi's face. “This is the best present anyone has ever given me.” I wrapped my arms around his shoulder and leaned my forehead against his. “I'm yours, Levi. I'm yours for life.”

We sealed the promise with a kiss.

“I have another question for you.”

“Shoot.”

“What are your expectations? Do you want candles and flowers and music? Do you want to wait until we're married?”

“Honestly?”

“Preferably.”

“I think it'll happen when it happens. Planning it takes away the spontaneity. We're ready. We don't need a game plan. As long as you promise it won't be as tacky as, say, prom night.”

His dimples popped out. “I promise. We'll surprise ourselves.”

“I can hardly wait.”

Billie and I spent Saturday morning pouring over my new list and concocting a perfect plan of attack. Ambushing Aidan's still-grieving family was at the bottom of my list. Amber was at the top, and somehow, we needed to talk to her without Darren finding out.

“I got bad vibes from him,” Billie said. Sprawled out on her stomach, with her feet crossed behind her, she flipped through a fashion magazine.

“I didn't like him, either. Still, he gave us a lot of potential leads.”

“Jess, what are you going to do if Aidan doesn't come back?”

“Keep looking. Now it isn't just about him; I need to know for my sake as well.”

“Do you plan on telling Levi about any of this?”

I shook my head. “Aidan and Levi are in two separate spheres in my universe. They don't cross each other, and I'd like to keep that way. Besides, Aidan is a ghost. Is it really considered cheating?”

“What does your heart tell you? How would you feel if the roles were reversed and Levi was in love with someone else—ghost or not?

“If she was real, I'd have a problem with it. If she was a ghost...I really don't know. I guess I hold to the adage that what you don't know can't hurt you. Plus, if he doesn't have a pulse, is it really cheating?”

She shook her head, dubious. “I still think you're playing a very dangerous game.”

“Maybe, but it's one game I plan to win.”

On Sunday, Luke and I dutifully sat in the front row, listening to Grandpa preach about how angels walked among us. I nodded along, completely agreeing with everything he said. I probably knew more about the subject than he did. Tears built in the corners of my eyes and spilled down my cheek. I wiped them away with the back of my hand. Luke handed me a tissue, while looking at me like I'd lost my mind.

Grandpa gripped the edge of the pulpit, gazing thoughtfully across the congregation. For a brief moment, he was quiet. He wasn't often without words. It was apparent something was on his mind.

Clearing his throat, he said, “You know, the day my Sue Ellen died, I considered giving up the ministry we'd built. It seemed pointless without her. I became a shell of a man.”

Several people nodded. We remembered those days.

“One night while drowning my sorrows with my new best friends Jack and Jim, the Lord spoke to me. He said, 'Paul, why do you weep for what you cannot change? My Grace is sufficient to see you through your sorrow. Sue Ellen is with Me; Rejoice, I say, for her suffering is over. Now go, and do the work I have set before you.' That was the day I decided to entertain angels rather than the demons Sorrow and Anger.”

Grandpa walked to the left side of the stage and looked right at me, as if he was speaking directly to me. I held my breath.

“Hebrews 13:2—'Do not forget to entertain strangers, for by doing so some people have entertained angels without knowing it.' Amen.” He gave me one last glance before moving to the other side of the stage.

I took the tissue and dabbed my face. Grandpa reached the end of his message and the choir rose to sing. I didn't bother with my hymnal. After the service ended, and Luke and I had been patted and hugged to death, Billie accosted us in the parking lot.

“That was so inspiring!” she exclaimed. “Honestly, this is the Rev's best message by far. And you can quote me on that.”

“Yeah, it was good,” I said, my mind still hooked on the “entertaining angels” portion of the message. How true that verse was, and how strange that Grandpa preached it directly at me. He never made a point of singling Luke and me out during the service. The fact that he had seemed telling.

I dropped Luke off at Miles' house before heading home. I went up the attic and curled myself up on the blanket. I felt like a ten-ton weight sat on my chest, ready to smash my lungs into a billion pieces. I couldn't breathe; everything felt so heavy.

Trying to find Aidan's killer, balancing my relationship with Levi against my feelings for Aidan, keeping secrets from nearly everyone in my life...It all added up to the weight of the world on my shoulders. I didn't think I could hold much more.

I had so many questions for Aidan, questions I hoped Darren would've been able to answer. But talking with Darren only brought up more questions. I felt like I was missing something obvious, which bothered me to no end. I had all the pieces of the puzzle; I just didn't know how the picture was supposed to look.

“Aidan, wherever you are, please come back,” I whispered just before everything crashed down and I began to cry.

9.

An unexpected death in her family prevented Billie and I from further investigating Aidan's death. Her Great-Aunt Hilda died of a heart attack just after midnight. Billie called me during breakfast with the news.

“So now we have to drive to North Dakota,” she moaned. Luke paced anxiously next me, waiting to talk to her.

“When's the funeral?”

“Wednesday. She's being cremated today, I guess. We'll be home on Thursday.”

“How's your mom?”

“She seems to be doing okay. She was close to Aunt Hilda, but I think she's been preparing for the worst for a while. After all, Aunt Hilda weighs almost four hundred pounds. That's a lot for any heart to handle.”

“Give her a hug and my condolences.”

“Will do. Um, is Luke there?”

I laughed. “Yeah, hold on.”

I handed the phone over to him and left the room to give him some privacy. Though I tried not to, I was disappointed that our search had been setback. Lately, everything felt like a setback on my quest to find Aidan's killer. His absence wasn't helping.

Once more I went over my list of people I still needed to contact. At the very top were Amber and Laura. I couldn't decide who to call first, or even what questions I wanted to ask. Darren obviously hated Laura for reasons he never really explained. Sure, she might have rejected him but did that warrant such blatant disdain? Talking to Amber seemed like a conflict of interest, given she was Aidan's ex-girlfriend and I was his...Whatever I was.

His absence hurt. I felt the loss deep within every part of me. I was coping—existing, really—but it was still painful. If I had any idea where he might be, I would have started searching a long time ago. Somehow, deep within my heart, I knew he was still somewhere on Earth. He would find his way back to me. Staying in Browton seemed like the best option at this point. I refolded my list and tucked it into the top drawer of my desk.

Lindsey Graver called me after lunch to see if I wanted to accompany her on a shopping trip. Since I had nothing else to do except go crazy, I accepted her invitation. She picked me up in her mother's Dodge Charger, a car every guy in school would have killed to own. Lindsey's father was the town dentist who charged exorbitant rates just because his closest competition was an hour away. The Gravers were rich, but just as backwoods as anyone else in Browton.

“What's up?” she greeted me as I got in the car.

“Not much. Where's Becky?”

She rolled her eyes. “Nursing her broken heart. Honestly, over Miles Young?
As if
you'd ever catch me crying over a junior.”

“Luke's a junior—that doesn't seem to bother Billie.”

“He's a man,” Lindsey retorted scathingly, “Of course he wouldn't bother Billie.”

I let the matter drop. “So what are you shopping for?”

“School clothes,” she answered with an air of indignation. “School starts in like a month.”

“You don't say.” Between my preoccupation with Aidan and my relationship with Levi, my brain hadn't processed much else. I took her word for it.

“So what is the scoop with you and Levi? How is that going?”

“Good.”

“Are you guys sleeping together?”

“Sure, all the time. We have sex everyday, you know? Right there on the tractor in the middle of the field.”

“Fine, you don't have to tell me,” she laughed rather nasally. “That's your business.”

“Yeah it is.”

She didn't inquire further as we pulled up at the local department store. While she idly flipped through racks of skirts, my mind wandered. Life had become so complicated. I was completely in love with two different boys who each brought something special into my life, something I didn't know I was missing. Levi gave me stability and peace. He affirmed everything good in me and made me feel like a princess. Aidan completed my spirit. He perfectly mirrored all the things about me I believed, all the things about me no one ever really saw, all the things that deep down, even Levi didn't know. Aidan carried my spirit to new dimensions. Through his eyes, I saw the world as it was, and still could believe it was a beautiful place.

Really, I mulled while we browsed through a stack of jeans, Aidan taught me that all the things I thought were wrong were really right. Angels and demons did exist, as did ghosts and true love. Whether I believed in things or not, that didn't make them any less real, kind of like Santa Claus.

Lindsey dragged me through the shoe department after lunch while gossiping about everyone we knew.

“Stacey Baker's pregnant,” she divulged as she tried on a pair of sky-high red leather stilettos. Why anyone in Browton needed such ridiculous shoes was beyond me.

“Stacey Baker is always pregnant. Who is the supposed father now?”

“Trey Harder.” She strutted down the aisle and checked her feet in the mirror.

“Trey Harder?” I sputtered, laughing. “She wishes. He's engaged to Lucy Bell.”

Trey and Lucy graduated two years a head of us. For as long as I can remember, they were the ultimate couple. If you were to ask the citizens of Browton the definition of true love, they'd point at Trey and Lucy. Last year, Trey was in a serious car wreck that nearly killed him. It ended his racing career but strengthened his relationship with Lucy. Grandpa was to officiate the ceremony next year.

And Stacey Baker, who made Billie look like a saint, couldn't be trusted.

“All I know is what she told me. What do you think?” She twisted her foot in front of me for inspection.

“Honestly, I think they're ridiculous. This is Kansas, not California.”

“You know I'm going there someday,” she huffed.

I rolled my eyes. “Yeah, yeah.”

Lindsey always talked about how she was getting out of Kansas the second she graduated. Funny thing is—Lindsey hated being alone. She'd never survive California by herself.

We perused the jewelry counter. She pulled her thick curly hair into a knot as she held a pair of silver hoops to her earlobe. I nodded my approval. Satisfied, she purchased them. Thankfully, she seemed to have exhausted her monetary resources for the day.

“I have to stop at Miller's before I drop you off. Mom wants me to grab some bread and milk.”

“I actually need to grab a few things myself,” I said. “That will save me a trip.”

She parked near the entrance of Miller's Grocery, a small-town store that carried almost everything you could want. For larger shopping trips, most people drove to the next town to the Walmart. If they just needed a few things, they shopped locally at Miller's. Gray Miller owned the store now. It had been in his family for generations, starting with his Great-Great-Grandfather Bus Miller back at the turn of the century.

I followed her to coolers where she picked up a gallon of milk. At the bakery, she pulled two loaves of wheat bread off the shelves.