Matt Fargo (30 page)

Personally, I think that poo is pretty funny. Farting is funnier, but poo is pretty damn hilarious. So I must say that I was deeply disappointed to find that the average Japanese person really isn’t that entertained by dookie. They just don’t have the weird Judeo-Christian taboo about excretion that makes it so funny to us. You can take a Japanese girl on a first date to an expensive Italian restaurant and she will gaze at you over the candles and flowers and Château Duchebage and say, “I’ve got mad diarrhea today”—AND IT WON’T BE FUNNY. Trust me, it took me a lot of failed potty talk to learn this lesson. Play your giggles off like you’re just about to sneeze or something.

I need to poop.
unko shitai

I gotta take a dump.
kuso shitē

I’ve got nasty diarrhea.
yabai geri shiteru

I’m peeing out my ass today.
kyō wa geripī shitemāsu

I’m been super constipated lately.
saikin wa mecha bempi de sā

Check out the curlicue turd! *
hora makiguso ga aru do

* The curlicue turd is a sort of icon in modern Japan. It looks like the picture above.

Don’t forget to wipe.
fuku no o wasurezu ni na

Dude, you smell like crap.
omae unchi kusē na

You’re such a dung beetle.
kono funkorogashi

“Dung beetle” is a really funny word in Japanese because it literally means “poop-roller”—in other words, somebody who pushes these big balls of turd around all day.

Sorry man, I just dropped a pretty stinky duce.
sakki kanari kusai unchi shichattandakedo gomen na