Mind Over Matter (9 page)

"I would never do that to you, Nic. You know that, don't you?" When he turned to look over his raised arm where it still clung to the top shelf, he found her looking up at him, her eyes quizzical. "I wouldn't ruin our friendship by trying to come onto you. I wouldn't touch you... without you asking me to. I would never hurt you."
Again.

She blinked once. Twice. Three, four times.

"Oh." She nodded, as if finally processing what he meant. "Oh, I know. I know you wouldn't. I didn't think…"

Of course they both knew that's what she'd been thinking. She let the sentence die, but he wouldn't let the subject go that easily. Not until she understood just what he meant. "Not that I would be opposed to hooking up with a gorgeous girl..."

She chuckled and averted her eyes, shaking her head. "I'll bet you wouldn't, rock star. But this one's off-limits." She walked to the shelf, a little more at ease in her body language. Humor was good. She could deal with humor.

But what he really meant to say was serious.

He knew he shouldn't say this. He knew that speaking too close to the subject could crack the very fragile ground they found themselves on in this moment. He still had to say it. He still needed to be the kind of honest he couldn't be when they were together. He needed to believe they could get past this, too.

"If you weren't off-limits, it would be a different story entirely."

"Cute, Gabriel. Real cute."

"No, little girl," he said quietly, invoking the old nickname to drive home how serious he was. The way he wanted to drive himself into her at that moment. "Not cute. True."

She looked at him and swallowed, stared up at him with so many mixed emotions that if he hadn't known her he could have mistaken the look for fear. But he did know her. He knew what lust looked like in those beautiful dark eyes, they way the dark fringe of her lashes beat a lazier rhythm when her thoughts were circling the same subject his were circling now. If this was fear, she was as afraid of herself as she was him.

"Gabriel," she whispered, taking a step back as if she were afraid he’d devour her.

She was right to be afraid. He felt like he could do just that. He felt his entire body tighten with intentions he hadn't acted on in over a year. He felt the spark between them light, but it wouldn't turn into flame. Not when her obligation to Travis — her own fear of what he was saying — kept dousing it out.

"You said you were okay with us being just friends. If you're not, I understand, Gabe. I do. I'll leave you alone. But, I won't... I can't..."

"I wouldn't try to get between you and... and someone else," he said, unable to utter the finality of Travis' name. "I know what it's like to be on the other side, to be the person hurting someone who’s waiting for you at home. And I wouldn't wish that kind of guilt on anyone, least of all you."

She bit down hard on her bottom lip, searching his eyes and breathing through her nose shallowly. The guilt he still harbored to this day was plain to see; he made sure it was. He made sure she knew how strongly he felt about not leading her into that kind of temptation, if he could help it.

"I'm your friend; I don't want to give that up. And I haven't always been honest with you like I should have been," he said quietly. He took a step towards her, then another. "I'm trying to make up for that now, Nicole. So, I'm gonna stop lying to you and myself and just say what needs to be said. You gonna hear me out?"

The sight of her teeth digging into the flesh of her bottom lip drove the primal urges in him to crazy proportions. He almost heard himself growl at the slight hitch in her breath, at the slow nod of her head, as if she didn't have the presence of mind to speak, that a nod was all she could muster. That turned him on even more.

He took another step, close enough to her now to whisper under the music. "If he wasn't in the picture... if you were free to do what you pleased, I wouldn't hesitate. I wouldn't hold back, not for a second, Nic. I want you in my life and so I'll take whatever you're willing to give and I won't ask for more. Not unless you want to give me more."

He licked his lips and her teeth released her bottom lip. It was slick, red, and her jaw was slack with awe.

"I don't know what to say to that, Gabe." She looked as if she wanted to take a step back, a step forward. She looked as confused as she must have felt, the wheels in her head turning over what he'd just said. "I don't know what you want me to say..."

He shook his head and gave her a small, sad smile. But his eyes remained firm, and he didn't shy away from his next words. "You don't have to say anything. And we don't ever have to bring it up again. Nothing has to change now except that you know. You know now if you woke up tomorrow, a week from now... a
year
from now... and you decided that you want to give me more than this, I'll be here to take it. All of it."

The shiver that subtly coursed over her skin made his fingers flex, tingling with the pang of arousal that shot through his body. He wiggled them and then clenched them into fists, shoved them into his pockets to keep from reaching out and testing her resistance. He took a step back, and nodded.

"That's all I wanted to say. We're still cool. Right? Still friends?"

She nodded absently. Her eyes were staring right through him. "Yeah, everything's totally cool. We're still friends."

"Sweet," he said. He let his eyes twinkle with the weight of his words, let her see just for a moment what he'd been willing to do to her if she'd said, right then, that she wanted to give him more. Then he closed the door on that part of himself. He felt better, stronger. He felt like he might be able to get through this if he could claim a little bit of his power back through the truth.

He strode back to the box of books and started shelving them again. She followed suit. And after a moment of awkward silence with the soundtrack of their past playing in the background, he brought up her book and her upcoming party. Grateful for the change in subject matter she dove into talking about her first publishing venture. Soon his words faded into the background, just like all the tension and longing between them.

Faded, but not forgotten.

Chapter Nine

"Seriously, who fucking writes this shit?"

Trish nibbled on her cheese stick and blinked before letting her eyes dart casually over the tabloid magazine Nicole held in her hand. They were lounging in her apartment, trying to decide what to do with their Saturday evening. "The same people who said Angelina and Brad were doing the naked dance, I would imagine. Can't all be a pack of lies," she said with a sly grin.

"Fuck you, Trish, this is bad. This is very, very bad."

Nicole stared down at the tabloid headline and proceeded to read it out loud, her voice full of disbelief. "'Gabriel Roberts, the super-hot guitarist of indie rock sensation Fool the World, appears to be replacing super model Yelena Marchenko with a blast from his past'?"

Nicole looked up at Trish as if she were about to puke, and Trish, being a true friend, at least attempted to wince before snickering.

"'The mystery girl seen leaving his new apartment, it turns out, is soon-to-be published author and former girlfriend, Nicole Langley. The couple split a year and a half ago, but has been spotted around town since Fool the World hit the studio to finish their sophomore album. A source close to both says, 'They tried to move on, but they just couldn't. They still love each other and want to work things out'... You wouldn't be the 'source' would ya, ol' buddy, ol' pal of mine?"

Trish snorted. "Please, if I was gonna sell you out, I'd go bigger, baby. People magazine, at least."

"'Someone should tell Travis Crane, Nicole's current boyfriend and the man she was seen kissing just days after meeting with her ex. Gabriel's former flame appears to still be dating him while she cozies up to the ever more popular rock star'. Oh, my fucking Go—"

"Nic! Chillax, okay? It's just a stupid tabloid."

Nicole held it up. Two pictures, one of her kissing her boyfriend several days earlier before he headed back to work from lunch and she headed to a meeting with her publisher. The other was of her hugging Gabriel goodbye after grabbing a bite to eat. From the look of her outfit it was the day she went out with the whole band after she met them at the studio. Of course, the paparazzi had conveniently withheld the pics where she hugged all the guys goodbye. Just as well; the last thing she needed was a headline saying she was the pass-around groupie for the whole band.

This time Trish winced for real.

"Mmkay, so, yeah. It looks... not great... but you know the truth, don't you? That's all that matters. You're with Travis now and you're over Gabriel. End of story, right?"

The truth was she was in a fucking nightmare! The truth was that after she left Gabriel's apartment, she'd rushed home, pacing her empty place to combat the volcanic emotions inside her. His eyes, his mouth, his body, that sexy indent in his chin, the sound of his voice when he spoke those words to her, those horrible, Pandora's-box-opening words.

A thought she couldn’t bring herself to heed kept echoing in her mind.

You should end this.
Now.

She'd opened the fridge, closed it.

If Travis knew what just happened. If he knew what Gabe can do to you with just a look…

She'd turned on the TV, then walked to the window and stared out at the street below, wringing her hands through her hair. Tugging on it the way Gabriel used to.

I’ll be here to take it. All of it…

She'd gone to her room and tried to sit down and write.

Then she'd gone to the bathroom to rinse off her face, which turned into a shower to wash away the restless foreboding that consumed her. And in the process she made herself come to the image of her
friend
Gabriel. Twice. Her fingers dove in and out of the plush, throbbing folds between her weak legs while the fingers of her other hand attacked her clit. She leaned her head against the wall of the shower, teeth gritted, eyes slammed shut, nipples hard to the point of pain, and she allowed herself for the first time in what seemed like forever to sate her ache for him.

She knew the truth, alright. And as it turned out it was not, in fact, setting her free. The truth came with a generous helping of guilt and a side order of stubborn pride. But after she got a few orgasms out of the way she felt like her new and improved self again. She refused to make this a bigger deal than it was. It was just a secret lapse in lovers-to-friends etiquette, and it was going to stay a secret. Masturbation wasn’t cheating. It meant nothing.

"Nic? You're over him...
right
?"

"What? Yeah... yeah, yeah, yeah, over him. So... over it..."

"Oh, my fucking Go—"

"What?! Do not look at me like that, Trish!"

"You're so
not
fucking over him. I knew it! I knew it, I swear, I told Chase, I was like, 'baby, she's so not over him', and he actually had the nerve to argue with me about it like I don't know what the hell I'm talking about! But obviously I was right!"

Trish had the presence of mind to stop talking then and pay attention to the dark, seething female-shaped mass that was once her best friend.

"You said what? Exactly? To Chase?"

Trish slumped in her chair, her eyes lowered before she took a bite of cheese stick. "No comment."

Nicole smirked and tossed the magazine in the trash. "Now you don't have a comment, huh?"

"Hey, I paid for that, you know? And don't get mad, okay. It was a while ago, and I can be wrong. It's happened before."

Nicole shook her head, genuinely feeling like she was going to cry.

"But... it's okay if you're not, Nic. I mean, this is Gabriel Roberts we're talking about. You were riding the crazy train for him a long time."

"Am I ever going to be allowed to move on, Trish? You, my sister, Travis, even the goddamned media thinks I'm lying to myself and nothing I say or do changes that. It's almost like everyone is trying to get me to cheat or go back to him or something!"

"That's not it at all, sweetie, that's not what I meant—"

"And I don't want to!" she wailed, going into full-fledged tantrum mode. "I don't ever want to go back to how horrible I felt when things went wrong with him. And I shouldn't have to just because that what's everyone else thinks, or wants, or
believes
I want to do. When the fuck do I get to make a decision about my own damn life and have people respect it, huh? Huh?"

Trish exhaled and spread her fingers out over her kitchen counter, patting it lightly with the pads of her fingertips while staring at Nicole through a safe sidelong glance. "You're right, sweetie. You're so right. But – and don't take this the wrong way –but I think you might also be PMS-ing. Which may account for that animated display and those," she said pointing to the tears Nicole was swiping away before laying her head against her arms.

"Maybe," Nicole conceded, her voice coming out muffled in her cocoon of angst.

"Yes. You need chocolate, and then you need to sit down and talk to me. For real."

"Okay," Nicole said with a sniffle. "Fine. Whatever."

She knew she was acting like a child now, but she couldn't help it. That's what she felt like... or at least that's what she felt like everyone wanted her to be. Everyone seemed to think she was the girl she used to be, but even if she was, even if she still was
her
deep down, she didn't want to be. She didn't want to go back. The girl she was had been courting a broken heart and had been too stupid to realize it.

Gabriel's words had done something to her. They'd given her a choice. If she wanted, if she said the word, she could go back to being that girl. She saw in his dark eyes that he wanted her to. He wasn't over it, not by a long shot. Yesterday proved she wasn't over it either. That didn't change the world they lived in, or the reality she'd committed to. She loved Travis. She told him so every day now, and her heart warmed when he said it back. That was real too, and that love deserved a chance.

Gabriel had his. And because of so many faults of her own and of his, that chance was gone. What kind of person would she be if she started entertaining the idea of going back to him, even in the abstract, after everything she'd been through? After all Travis had done for her?

She felt like Eve in the Garden. She hadn't had great odds either, and she'd only had one snake to contend with, not several in the form of friends, family, and her own tortured psyche, goading her to take a bite out of Gabriel-shaped temptation. At the very least they believed she wanted to anyway, and that was worse.

Trish, who had found her finest stash of premenstrual comfort, tapped Nicole lightly on the back and they headed to the living room Trish had forced Chase to redecorate.

They plopped down on the plush, masculine sofa, and Trish allowed Nicole to nibble in peace on her portion of milk chocolate. Nicole took advantage of that peace for as long as she could until Trish finally cleared her throat and looked at her expectantly.

Nicole sighed, unsure of what to say.

"I wasn't trying to say you should get back together with him, Nicole."

"Good, because even if you were, it's not going to happen."

Trish rolled her large eyes up towards the ceiling. "Look, you're with Travis. You and Gabriel are friends. I got it. Nobody, not even me or some faux journalism has the power to change that unless you let it. You know the truth. You can let a rumor drive you crazy, or you can just get over it and let yourself be happy. You're happy, right?"

Nicole nodded. "I love him, Trish. I told him so."

Trish had the decency to swallow her utter shock quickly. What, did everyone think she just moved in with Travis for kicks? Well, if they had, those three little words changed that, which gave Nicole a grim sort of satisfaction.

"Well... there you, go, sweetie. The 'L' word has been invoked and you're sharing a place. Next stop is meeting the family and planning the wedding date, huh?"

Nicole laughed, trying to hide the mini heart palpitations thrumming in her chest. Family meetings. Houses, two car garages. Babies...

"I need to do something. I need to go out and think about something else."

"But I thought you wanted to talk about—"

She looked expectantly at Trish. "Wanna go out tonight? You got any plans?"

Trish hissed air in through her teeth and averted her eyes. "Actually, Chase was thinking about going out to this bar..."

Nicole shrugged. "Never mind then."

"No, it'd be totally cool if you came, I think you'd like it. It's this new place that just opened up in the East Village. I just didn't know if you'd want to go because all the guys are supposed to be there. Wasn't sure if you were all Gabriel'd out for one day."

No more sighs tonight. No more bad attitudes and no more angst-ridden thoughts. She wasn't going to let some tabloid and one crazy-hot solo session in the shower stop her from hanging out with her good friend.

"You cool with going if he's going to be there?"

"You were right, I was just being hormonal. I'm already over it. What do you think I should wear?" Nicole asked with a slate-cleaning grin.

***

Two weeks later the near-addictive feeling of hanging out with her old group of friends clashed with her current life. Had she known it was happening, that she was slowly traveling down a road that would lead her to this morning, she might have slowed down. She might have taken stock of her surroundings, of Travis. But she hadn't realized anything until Friday morning rolled around. The shift began with five little words.

"How was your night out?"

Nicole winced, the dull throbbing in her head answering his question before she could. "I think this slight hangover means it went well. But I might be getting old babe, 'cause I used to be able to have more than four drinks, and now..." She started to shake her head, then groaned and thought better of it.

He nodded, and went back to drinking his coffee. Nicole padded into their kitchen, in her robe and slippers, freshly showered, and feeling like crap. It wasn't until she got up close to him she noticed something was a bit off. There was tightness around his lips that she tried to kiss away with a quick peck. One that he didn't quite return.

"How was yours?"

Travis looked up at her, and was silent for a long moment. "Not so hot."

"Why? What happened?" she asked while pouring herself a cup. Her stomach growled its consent when she picked up a crispy slice of bacon and nibbled on it. Thank God, the man could cook.

"Well, I got home late from work, because I've got this difficult new client. I thought when I got back I would relax and hang out with my girlfriend since I've been so busy all week. But she was out. Again."

Nicole stilled in her nibbling, a genuine look of confusion on her face. "But I thought you were doing your usual happy hour thing. I called you to let you know I was going out with Trish, and when you said 'okay', I thought you meant it."

He shrugged, and went back to reading the news on his laptop. "What else was I going to say? You were already out the door before I could call and ask if you wanted to do something with me instead."