My Best Friend's Bucket List: Volume One (19 page)

“
I should be going.” Lorrie said. She sounded hurt.

“
Wait, it's not you. My penis was drained earlier in the day.
Maria and the goth girl Pinky, it was a long day.”

“
WHAT?” Lorrie's eyes filled with tears and she ran out of the
apartment.

“
WAIT!” I screamed at a closed door and an empty apartment. I
cried hard and held my head in my hands.

The door to the apartment burst opened. A
large man in a black coat stood there. Four larger men behind
him.

“
Hey,” Said the man with the Russian accent, “Where is are the
Cloud Nine tablets?”

“
Huh?” I said.

“
And where the FUCK is my DAUGHTER, Elsa?!”

CHAPTER
13

Boris And Me

(twenty-four hour
dilemma)

(Elsa Spotnik returns from
the dead)

There were a
few moments in my life where I said, “What the fuck?” They were
rare times. Some things just happened and that was life. Like the
first time we became obsessed with a girl.

I think I was in third grade. Her name was
Mayra. She had pale skin, red hair, freckles and she resembled the
nosy neighbor from Small Wonder. I wanted her.

At that point I did not know what true WANT
was. I did not even know the concept of NEED. The NEED for a drink.
The NEED for a smoke. The NEED for a fix of drugs. Even the NEED
for sexual release.

Wait, I think it goes back even farther.

Her name was Kelsey. I won't describe her
because it would be creepy and my memory is a little foggy. I was
five years old, maybe six, maybe seven. Definitely one of those
three. You know how now it all seems the same?

Kelsey was my first kiss. She was a year or
two older than me. Her mom and my mom would get drunk together in
the middle of the day. That would leave us two unattended. We took
full advantage of it. It is a miracle we were never killed.

We stole money to buy ice cream and toys
from the smelly middle eastern cat that drove the scary truck. We
made mud pies. We used to hide in the bushes and throw rocks at
cars that were driving by. We would play in the sprinklers. Throw
rocks at black widow nests and wasps as well. It really is a
miracle that we were never even injured.

One day we were sitting behind a mulberry
bush that covered part of the house. Before the bush had grown
years before someone had built a long wooden bench into the side of
the house, so the bush grew in front of it. We were completely
camouflaged there.

We used to just sit and watch the streets,
wait for the ice cream man, or hide from our mothers, if they were
too drunk and mad. Kelsey looked at me funny that day, I returned
her stare, my guts bubbled and I was nervous. She kissed me very
lightly on the lips. She smelled like dirt and cookies. I was
frozen in shock.

My heart jumped, I grabbed her face and
pulled her to my lips. Just like I had seen in the movies. We
kissed a bunch that day. Every time we returned to our bench behind
the mulberry bush we would kiss. This all happened in the span of a
day. Then by the end of the day it was clear I was more interested
in kissing than playing. Kelsey didn't want to return to our place
behind the bush anymore. And I began to resent her. She resented
me.

I doubt that night when she left with her
mother that she told her mom anything. But for some reason I never
did see Kelsey again. It made me sad. But in a weird way at the
time. Days later my mom had just got off the phone and stormed into
the living room. She screamed at me and shook a fist in my
face.

Kelsey had told her mother everything.

My mother cussed me out something fierce.
Threatened me. Made me terrified to even talk to girls anymore.
Maybe that was why I never did approach Mayra. I was scared my mom
would find out or that I would do something wrong and she would
tell on me.

So I was on the wagon. I had had my first
female encounter, but mom made sure I was scared of girls. Then one
day we were at a different friend of moms house. She had a daughter
that was two years younger then me. I was maybe nine or ten.

This may sound cliché and I don't know where
this originated or how I knew what to say. But I asked this little
blonde girl in the pink dress if she wanted to play doctor. I will
spare you all the details. But she said yes.

I figured my mom bringing me to this place
where there was another girl was her way of letting me off the
leash. Let's just say the blonde never said a word and seemed to
enjoy our time together. I mean, I don't know what she talks to her
therapist about, but I assume that has to come up.

All those events were a mere prologue to a
deviant and perverted life. Since then I have been in love with the
idea of being in love. When a girl allows me to sleep with her and
I have feelings or an interest in her, I sometimes have the
tendency to get possessive.

I think that's what happened when Lorrie
Lovitt and me were about to get physical. Sure, Maria had drained
me, but it was Lorrie. She was the one I really wanted. I think my
dick was scared of getting attached to Lorrie's veejay. Not
literally but emotionally.

Lorrie would have to wait because I had a
very unhappy and unmedicated Russian mob boss in my
apartment...

My buzz was wearing thin. I was standing in
the living of my apartment. A large Russian mob boss named Boris
Spotnik sat on my sofa. He seemed to be making himself at home. His
four larger henchmen stood off to the side. They were scary looking
mothers.

“
Okay. You tell me last time you see, Elsa.” Boris said. I
could see the insanity behind his eyes and the pure coldness. This
guy had hurt and killed a lot of people, some even women and
children. It was all there in his eyes. No disguise or
poncho.

“
Uh, well,” I said, trying to buy time. The last thing I
wanted to tell him was the last time I had seen Elsa Spotnik she
was floating dead in a swimming pool. In a swimming pool at the
party/Rager that I threw. “I had seen her at the party, she was
just mingling.”

“
Mingling? What is that?”

“
Networking. Talking.” Sweat was forming on my
brow.

“
I see.” Boris thought on this for a moment.

“
I need a drink.” I said. Two of the four henchmen rushed a
few steps forward. “Take it easy guys, I'm on your
side.”

Boris said something to them in Russian and
they relaxed.

“
Go make drink.” Boris said. “Bring me one.”

“
I only have bourbon and Mountain Dew Pitch Black, maybe
Yager.”

“
Ugh. I don't care. Any one is good. Just alcohol.” He
said.

I went into the kitchen, took a can of Dew
Black out of the fridge, found a bottle of Jack Daniels and half a
bottle of Yager. The choice was going to be complex.

Do I make a Yager with Dew Black(which
tastes like angel tears)? Or do I bring Boris the Yager straight up
and mix the Dew Black with the Jack(which would taste less good)?
Or do I just bring him a glass of Jack?

“
Dude. Give him the Yager.” Said the voice of Dick. He was
standing beside me, still dead. Bleeding from his throat and
stomach.

“
How the hell do I know if Russians like Yager?” I whispered
to my invisible best friend.

“
Yager is German, right?”

“
Yeh, so?”

“
Aren't they like close or something? Like really close?” Dick
said.

“
I failed geography.” I said. Footsteps approached from
behind.

“
WHO the FUCK are YOU talking TOO?” Boris asked. Two henchmen
stood behind him.

“
I was singing. A song.” I said.

“
What soda is that? It is strange.” Boris said,
fascinated.

“
It's Limited Edition Mountain Dew Pitch Black. It goes great
with Yager.” I said. I was sweating again.

“
Hmphf! Pour me one. I tell if this is good.” He said. I
cracked the last can of Dew Black, grabbed my favorite cup(a green
Scooby Doo cup), iced the Yager then added the Dew Black. The smell
made me salivate.

I handed Boris the plastic cup. He sniffed
it. Scoffed at the smell. Then, carefully, took a small sip. He
stared at me with what I deduced was anger. Then he smiled like
Satan.

“
BKYCHO!” Boris exclaimed. Then he drained the glass. “Quite
delicious! MORE!”

I poured him more and sipped off the bottle
of Jack. We sat on sofa. He sent his guys away. I drank fast.

Boris said, “Listen to me. I followed you
from party. I know you saw Elsa, she is quite hard to miss, my
friend. I know you know where Cloud Nine Tablets are.”

“
I actually don't-”

“
Listen! You know this Tommy, my men saw you with him all
night, he is too old to be a school chum or something like it.”
Boris sipped more of his drink. “Who is he?”

“
I don't know. I met him at the party.” I lied. I was not
about to tell this psycho that Tommy was my Uncle.

“
Fine. He sold Cloud Nine tablets. Elsa got him in on deal.
This man has a lot of money worth of Cloud Nine. If you know who
the man is, you must tell me.” Boris smiled, his smile melted my
insides. He was a scary fucking cat.

“
I don't know him.” I said. Boris stared at me like he was
going to cut my throat and in that moment I thought he
might.

“
Listen. You know more than you say. Maybe you in on deal too?
Maybe no? Now that does not matter. I consider the missing Cloud
Nine tablets your payment. You find my Elsa, you bring her back
here, we leave, you keep tablets.” He paused to take a drink. “You
don't find Elsa. You don't help. I don't care about tablets and I
kill you. Slowly. Painfully.” He smiled and finished his drink.
“Clear?” He said.

“
Yes. Very clear.” I said.

“
Good. You have twenty-four hours.” He said. I looked at the
clock, it was 3:12am. “I must know this. Who is Murrey
Weinstein?”

“
He owns the house the party was at.” I said.

“
Is he friend of you?”

“
No, I haven't seen him ever. I just knew the name because the
guy at the party told me.” I said.

“
Hope you are telling truth.” Boris said.

“
Can I take a nap before I go out to find Elsa?” I asked.
Boris laughed.

“
We both need rest. Couch looks good. I take bed and
bedroom.”

That night I slept on the couch and realized
I was going to need some resemblance of a plan. I thought of Lorrie
Lovitt, I hoped she was not completely hating me. I had managed to
get throat deep in shit, there was no sign that this dilemma was
going to get worked out.

“
Dude, Elsa Spotnik is dead.” Dick said. He was sitting cross
legged on the floor.

“
I know, but I have to do something.”

“
Dude, you can't bring her back.” Dick said. And the wheels in
my head started spinning. Crazy parts of insane plans began to
form. Then I drifted off into an awesome slumber. Lorrie Lovitt
danced in my head.

The next day I awoke to the sound of
laughter. Joyous laughter. The kind that awakes a heavy sleeper
like me. The laughter belonged to Boris Spotnik. It was coming from
the bathroom.

I got up and put on a pot of boiling water
for instant coffee. The laughter continued. I couldn't help it
anymore. I went to take a look.

The bathroom door was open. Boris Spotnik
was in a bubble bath, two henchmen were at his side. One scrubbed
his back, the other scrubbed the bottom of his feet with my
electric toothbrush. Boris laughed from the tickling.

I left them to it. I rinsed my mouth out
with coffee. Then had a whole cup of coffee with cream and sugar.
Boris came out of the bathroom and was finally ready to let me use
the can.

“
Morning, Comrade.” Boris said, jovially.

“
Yeh.” I said.

I finished up in the bathroom, avoiding the
tooth brush. Got dressed for a day of finding a dead girl. It was
simple because Elsa was dead. There needed to be a plan. And I had
one.

I made a cup of instant coffee. Boris sat on
my sofa, his two favorite henchmen at his side. The other two were
gone, I assumed they were just extra muscle.

“
What do you do around here all day?” Boris asked me. I sipped
the coffee gingerly, acid rolled in my stomach.

“
There's an Xbox right there. A collection of DVD's. I have
cable and On Demand.” I said. Boris stared at me with his
stare.

“
I never watch TV. I did not ever allow, Elsa to watch or play
video game. Is American garbage.”

“
Maybe that's why she ran off.” I said, irritated, before I
had a chance to catch myself.