Next to Forever (Never Letting Go) (19 page)

I place my head on my knees and let out loud sobs.

“Aria, I’m so sorry. Mommy’s so sorry. Please forgive me, please!” The sobs are getting louder and I can’t breathe. The hot water is still hitting my body, and I see the steam coming out of the shower, but don’t feel the scorching hot water. The numbness takes over my body.

Eyeing the tub stopper, I put it in the shower drain and feel the water slowly rising. Closing my eyes, I lean my head against the shower walls and spread out my legs. “I’ll be with you soon, Aria. Mommy will be there with you.” The water is filling up as I sink down into the tub. I take my last breath and fall into the water
, so I can find peace again. I think about my family and Connor. Everything will be okay, and they’ll understand why I had to do this. “Goodbye.” My head disappears under the water. My heart is racing, but I stay still. This is the right thing to do.

Quickly, hands are on me as I’m being pulled up from the water. “NO!”

“Baby,” Connor cries. “Baby, talk to me!” He holds me close to his chest, and I’m trying to pull away from him. “Why, baby?” Connor pulls me out of the tub and carries me to our bed. He grabs a towel from the closet and runs back to me. The warm and soft towel touches my body and I start shivering. Feeling comes back to my body and I realize what I just did. The sobs come out, and I throw my arms around Connor’s neck.

“I’m sorry! I’m so sorry! Please don’t be
mad.
Please
!” I cry, trying to keep him near me.

“Babe, I’m not mad but talk to me,” he cries, holding me and rocking me back and forth.

“I miss her, and you never want to talk to me about her. Everyone keeps coming in here and trying to get me to get out of bed, but I don’t want to move. Why do they keep trying to get me out of bed? Why can’t I just be sad?”

“Erin, I’m
always
here, and we can
always
talk. We’re all worried about you and just want you to be okay.”

“I’ll never be okay,” she whispers, sinking into the bed and bringing me with her. “Can you just hold me please?”

“Forever.”

Connor wakes me up at ten in the morning and tells me to get ready. He eyes me as I get out of bed, and I throw on a tee shirt and my yoga pants. I grab my black Uggs from the closet and slip them on. “Where’s my North Face, babe?

Connor walks up to me and hugs me tightly. I feel better in his arms
, but the pain’s still there and I don’t know if it’ll ever go away. He leads me down the stairs and grabs my jacket from the closet. Connor checks the house before we leave. The November air is chilly and the sun isn’t out. It’s gloomy out, like me. The car unlocks and Connor opens the passenger side door for me. He gets in the car and starts it. The drive is quiet as I look out the window and watch the world pass me by. I rest my head on the window and close my eyes but every time I do, I see blood and I’m at the hospital. The doctors and nurses are in the room, trying to calm me down and helping me get my blood pressure down. I feel dizzy and nauseous and start throwing up, but there’s just liquid coming out of me. I threw up my lunch at home. Abruptly my eyes open and he’s looking at me.

“You’re okay,” he says, stroking my hand and bringing it up to his lips.

We drive for a few more minutes before pulling into a parking lot. There are a few cars around and when I open the door, I see a small brick building in front of me. I wonder where we are.

“Connor?”

He extends his hand out and I take it. “Come on, baby. It’ll be okay.”

We walk inside, hand in hand, and an older woman behind the desk greets us.

“Connor and Erin for Doctor Taylor.”

I tug on Connor’s hand and give him a somber look. I don’t want to see a therapist! I’m not crazy!
My daughter died and I’m sad, but it doesn’t mean I need to fucking see someone. “Connor?”

He pulls me over to the chairs
, and we sit down. “What is this?”

His hand rests on my thigh but I pull away. “I hate you. I’m not fucking crazy,” I whisper.

Connor sighs, and places his hand on my thigh again. Fuck it. I’m done playing this stupid game. There are magazines on the table, and I pick one up. Nothing is interesting in this one, so I grab another magazine but it’s the same thing. No interest in this one.

A woman comes out of her office with a smile on her face. I hate her already. How can she help me? No one can understand my pain and anguish. How do you get over the
loss of a child?

“Connor? Erin?”

Connor gets up, but I’m not as anxious as he is. He looks at me and mouths “get up, please.” His eyes are pleading with me. I get up from the chair and try to smile but nothing. “Hi, I’m Connor and this is my fiancée, Erin.”

She smiles at me but I look away. There’s too much fucking happiness and smiles right now. All I want is my bed and my daughter. “Nice to meet you both. Follow me inside.” We do as she says
, and when we walk inside, there are flowers and candles lit. I feel a little better but I just want this to be over.

We sit down on the plush light purple couch and Connor holds my hand. I look around and see all of her degrees on her wall. There are pictures of her and her family and a lump forms in my throat.

Doctor Taylor starts talking but I don’t hear her. Connor answers her questions but I can’t focus on her.

“Erin, do you want to say anything?”
she asks while holding a pad of paper and a pen.

“I don’t know what to say. I’m not good at these things. I don’t want to do any introductions or that crap. I lost my daughter and tried to kill myself because I want to see her. I want to hold her and let her know I love her. I want to cling to this pain because it’s the only thing
I
have left!” I shake my head and get up from the sofa. “I felt her in my stomach and watched her grow. These memories,” I take a deep breath, “this is all I have left.” I sit back down and Connor holds my hand.

“Baby, Aria knew that. You’re not the only one that lost her.” Connor looks down
, and I see tears falling from his eyes. He’s right. He lost Aria, too—we both did. I squeeze his hand. “I can’t lose you too, Erin.”

             
Look at the mess I’m creating. Connor’s right. He can’t lose me too, and I can’t lose him.

“The loss of a child is never easy, but Erin, suicide isn’t the answer. I want you both to talk to one another and if it helps, keep a journal.”

“How is that going to help?”

“Erin, it’s going to take time
, but you and Connor are taking the first step to recover from your loss and pain.”

The session goes by rather quickly
, and we’re able to tell Doctor Taylor about how we met and our lives. We touched briefly on Aria, but she keeps repeating, “baby steps.”

“Okay, looks like our time is up. I want to see you both at least twice a week
, and if it gets hard, call my office immediately. I want to help you both.”

We both nod our head and talk about other things to soften the mood and tension. Doctor Taylor gives us her card and tells us to focus on the good in life and to take the time to get to know each other again.

The rest of the day quickly goes by. Connor’s working in the office at home and I’m in bed again. I try to find peace and pick up my kindle. I look through my library and find a book to read. The book is good, and I find myself laughing and crying. Connor comes in and looks at me. “You alright?”

“Yeah,” I put my kindle down and look at him. “Just trying to take my mind off things.” I look down and suddenly feel shy. Connor comes to the bed and gets under the covers with me. He pushes a strand of my blonde hair out of my face and brings his lips to mine. It’s gentle at first but the hunger in me grows. I need him. “Make me feel again, please.”

“Are you sure?” I nod my head and soon our clothes are slowly coming off. His chest connects with mine as he slowly enters me. I want more. I need more. His warm kiss takes over me, and I claw his back, telling him I want more. A tense breath escapes my lips as he moves faster in and out of me.

“Connor!”

We spend the next few hours in bed, exploring each other and making love over and over again. Our bodies need each other as we need the air we breathe. Our souls are connected forever, and I love him even more.

I’m lying on his chest and play with his fingers with mine.

“Tell me a secret, babe.”

Connor lets out an edgy breath
. “When I thought I lost you, my world fell apart, and I was ready to kill myself.”

Tears fall from my eyes again
, and my heart breaks. I never want Connor to feel this way, and I realize now that I have to be stronger. We both lost Aria, not just me. Just thinking about the pain in Connor’s voice, kills me. How could I be so selfish?

“I’m sorry, babe. It’s just so hard sometimes.”

He kisses me again. “I know, but that’s why we have each other, and I’m not going anywhere. I promise.”

“You’re my light in the darkness
, you know, that right?”

“And you’re the star that keeps shining
, so whenever I get lost, I just look for my shining star, and I know I’ll be okay.”

My heart melts to his words and maybe he’s right. We’ll be okay. I’m ready for the next round but then my phone starts ringing.

Connor growls. “Don’t get it.”

I pick up my phone and see that it’s Doctor Burns. “Weird, Soph’s dad is calling me.” I slide to unlock my phone and answer his call. “Doctor Burns
, is everything okay?”

“Erin, are you home?”

His anxious voice scares me. “Yeah, Connor, and I are in bed but what’s going on?”

“Come open the door for me
, sweetheart.” Before I can say anything else, he hangs up. Jumping out of bed, I grab my clothes and look for my hoodie.

“Baby?”

“Get dressed. Doctor Burns is on his way, and I think he has something to tell us.”

The doorbell rings as Connor and I quickly go down the stairs to answer the door. Doctor Burns is standing there with an odd expression on his face. We open the door wider and have him come in. I’m not sure what’s going on
, and Connor doesn’t say anything either. We all sit at the kitchen table and Doctor Burns rubs his face before saying anything.

“I hate to do this to the both of you
, but there are some things you need to know. Sarah found some things in Vander’s room that you two should know about.”

“Vander? What’s going on?” I look at Connor and he’s just as confused as I am.

“I don’t know how to say this, but I think Vander had something to do with the miscarriage, Erin.”

I shake my head in disbelief. How can Vander be responsible? No one can be that evil. “No, he has no reason to do that.”

None of this is making any sense. Vander is my friend, and he’s been there for me whenever I needed him. I look at Connor, and he has a weird expression on his face. I can’t tell if he agrees with what Doctor Burns is saying or if he thinks he’s crazy. “No offense, but Vander has only been a great friend.”

“I understand
, sweetheart, but,” he lets out a sigh before talking again. “There’s things we found in his room, and he’s been acting strange. His mood is all over the place, and he’s losing focus at the hospital. When I asked him what was going on, he yelled, and said it wasn’t any of my business and left his shift. I’ve tried talking to him but he’s not saying much.”

“Okay
, so how does that mean Vander’s responsible?” Connor takes my hand and we wait for Doctor Burns to explain.

“Sarah’s been helping him move out and while she was putting the boxes together, a box broke and all of this came out.” Doctor Burns sits in front of us, trying to maintain his composure. The stress lines on his face are deep
, and the look of dread is all over his face. He hands us pictures and papers about different medicines and information about abortions. “Erin, I don’t know how to say this to you, and I’m sorry that it has to be now when you’re both grieving, but you and Connor need to know what we found.”

My mouth drops
, and I don’t know what to say. I can’t take all of this and refuse to believe someone can be this evil. My head spins into a cloud of confusion and hurt.

“What!” Connor and I both scream.

“Vander’s my best friend,” I skeptically whisper. “He was there for me and was excited for us.” I look at Connor with wide eyes. “How can this be true?”

Connor wraps his arm around my waist and shakes his head. “I don’t know.”

That’s all he can say. That’s all anyone can say. No one knows why I lost Aria. No one knows why life can be so shitty sometimes. I quickly get up from the table, trembling with anger. “I can’t deal with this right now. I’m sorry.” I turn around again and look at them one more time before walking out of the house.

Connor