Pulled (19 page)

Unbearable sadness consumed me, and I was
sucked back into the darkness, the pain too great to face.

In moments of utter blackness, I struggled to find her to go
to her, but Daniel’s soul called me back to him, willing me
to survive. When I could resist him no longer, I opened
my eyes, once again, to meet his. Our grief poured
between us as we silently mourned her.

He spoke first, his voice cracked and strained,

“Melanie, I’m so sorry.”

Of course, he was sorry. I was sorry, sorry for our
pain, sorry for our loss. But the tortured look on his face
told me that he blamed himself.

Shaking my head, I reached out for Daniel’s
cheek, wiping the tears from under his eyes. “I love you,” I
said as I weakly tried to smile at him. He squeezed his
eyes tight as more tears fell, and he shook his head
against my hand, his body trembling.

“I don’t deserve you, Melanie. You can never
understand how sorry I am. If I could change it.” His chest
heaved with his escalating anguish.

“Daniel, no. Stop.” I ran my hand through his hair
in an attempt to ease him. “Look at me.” I cupped his
cheek once again, drawing his face to mine. His face
contained more pain than any one person should ever
have to bear. “It wasn’t your fault. You can’t blame yourself
for this.” I shook my head at him. I didn’t know all the
details of what had happened, but what I did know was that
the car had come out of nowhere. “It hurts me even more
to think of you blaming yourself for this. Please, I need
you to forgive yourself for whatever you think you’re
responsible for.” I rubbed the back of his neck, looking
him in the face, making sure he understood and accepted
what I was trying to tell him.

He sighed and nodded a silent promise to move
on.

“Tell me what happened,” I pleaded.

“Melanie, I...I…”

“Please,” I choked out. As much as I knew he
wanted to shield me from any more suffering, he had to
tell me. I didn’t want to know, but I had to know.

“Are you sure you’re ready to hear it?” The
devastation on his face tore me apart.

I nodded, and he gripped my hand tighter. He
stared at his feet for a few moments before finally looking
at me.

“Eva…she lived for two days.”

I gasped, struggling to get air in my lungs. She
had lived?

“What?” I rasped out.

He licked his lips and swallowed hard. “She was
so beautiful, sweetheart.” His face was so sad, but there
was a light in his eyes when he spoke of her. “So small.

God, Melanie, you can’t imagine how small she was. So
perfect.” He talked about her with a reverence and love I’d
never seen before, and I smiled as he described her, my
tiny baby girl.

“Did you hold her?” I bit back the sob that
threatened. He nodded, rubbing my arm. “A few times, but
not for long. I would have held her all day if they had let
me, but the nurses wanted her to be in her bed as much
as possible.” I realized where he’d been all those times
when I’d felt his absence. He was taking care of our baby
girl.

“Thank you,” I whispered through my tears as I
held him close to me. “Thank you for taking care of us.” I
kissed his dry chapped lips, unable to imagine the pain
he must have felt over the last—days? I wasn’t sure how
long it had been. There was still so much I didn’t know.

I pulled away, my hands on his chest. “Are you
hurt?” I asked, for the first time able to focus on more than
just his eyes. He had a huge bruise on the side of his face
and a row of stitches above his eyebrow. But he was
dressed in normal clothes and sitting beside my bed, it
obvious his worst injury was a broken heart.

He shook his head. “No, I’m fine. A couple of
cracked ribs,” he said as he pointed to the stitches on his
brow, “and this.”

Cracked ribs? “Does it hurt?”

“Honestly, Melanie, I really haven’t even thought
about it. It’s not a big deal.” I knew he was making light of
it, so I let it go.

“How badly was I injured?” I asked, scared of his
answer. I hurt—everywhere.

He took a deep breath in, slowly blowing the air
out through his pursed lips as he ran his free hand
nervously through his hair.

“You were on the ventilator for three days. They
kept you on it until the swelling went down around your
brain,” Daniel grimaced as he described the reason I’d
been out for so long. I followed his gaze down my body.

“Your right leg is badly broken. You’re going to need
some pretty intense physical therapy when you get out of
here, but Dad says you’ll heal fine. You have a lot of
bruises and cuts all over...,” he said as his voice trailed
off. He broke eye contact as he looked at his feet. I could
tell he was hiding something from me.

“Daniel, everything,” I demanded. Unease raced
through me when I saw his face again filled with agony, his
jaw held tight in an attempt to hide the obvious trembling. I
was terrified at what would cause him this reaction, but I
pressed him. “Everything.”

He closed his eyes, his beautiful face weary and
broken. “Baby.” He tried to keep his voice soft, but it came
out cracked. “You were bleeding.” He paused, waiting for
my reaction. I blinked at him, not understanding what
about that could cause him so much pain. He cleared his
throat, swallowing. “What I mean is...” He stalled.

I nearly screamed as I forced out the words,

“Daniel, please, just tell me.”

“Melanie.” He gathered up my hand in both of
his. “When they did the cesarean there was too much
bleeding...”

He didn’t have to say the words because I knew
by the expression on his face what he was trying to tell
me. I couldn’t have more children. Never could I give
Daniel the family he wanted.

I gasped against the pain, clutching my chest as
I tried to breathe, a full panic attack taking over my body. I
was devastated. We lost our baby girl, and now we couldn’t
have another—well, not we. Me.

Would Daniel still want me?

He shushed me, rubbed the back of my neck,
and rocked me. I looked at his face, filled with his love and
compassion for me, and I had to believe that he would
always want me. In one day, all of our dreams had been
shattered, but we still had each other, and we would make
it. My tears finally subsided, and I began to accept what
life had dealt us. It was going to take a very long time to
heal from it, but Daniel and I would do it together.

A constant stream of people came and went over
the next few of hours.

After the latest round of nurses left, Julia walked
into the room, Patrick following close behind. Her voice
was soft, always motherly. “Hey, beautiful girl.” She came
near and leaned over me, kissing me ever so softy on my
forehead. I loved her so much.

“How are you feeling?”

How was I feeling? I honestly didn’t know. I
smiled weakly and didn’t answer because I couldn’t.

Anything I said would have been a lie.

“Can we get anything for you?” Patrick had the
same concerned look on his face as he always did, his
kindness always evident.

“Um, no. But thanks, Patrick.” I smiled at him,
and reached for his hand, and Julia placed hers over both
of ours.

“Did...did you get to meet her?” I hoped they did.

I looked at their broken faces, and my heart broke a little
more. This loss of Eva wasn’t just Daniel’s and mine; it
was also theirs. They lost their granddaughter, the one
they’d planned for, taken care of, loved.

Julia whimpered, her eyes bloodshot and her
forehead wrinkled with lines that had never been there
before. “Oh, Melanie, honey. She was so beautiful, just
like you. She had your mouth.” She smiled through her
tears as she told me everything she remembered about
Eva. It was heartbreaking and wonderful at the same time.

I wanted to know my daughter. But I knew I already did.

Even though I had never seen her face, I felt her. I knew
her soul, and it would always be a part of me. Patrick
stood in silence behind Daniel, his face weary but his love
and support unwavering.

We all turned when we heard the door creak
open to expose a flash of brown, frizzy hair.

Mom.

March 2000

Mom was here. Of course she was. Guilt
overcame me. This was how my parents found out about
Eva. Slow and hesitant, Mom walked into the room. She
had black, heavy bags under her brown eyes that were so
red it was hard to tell their normal color. She had always
been thin, but her cheeks were sunken in, the skin
sagging. Her hair was up in a messy bun, pieces falling
out and sticking to her face where her tears had dried. For
the first time she looked old. She stood at the foot of my
bed, nervously straightening her shirt against her
stomach.

“Mom.” I breathed out a sigh, not having a clue
what to say to her. I glanced anxiously at Daniel, trying to
gauge his reaction to her. He was already standing to kiss
me on the forehead, and he and his parents excused
themselves. I watched as they reached the door, and
Daniel mouthed, “I love you,” before following his parents
out. Mom still fidgeted, standing in the same spot.

“Mom?” I asked. Would she even talk to me?

She had to be so disappointed. She had to be so angry.

“Oh, Melanie,” Mom cried, rushing around to
take my cheeks in her hands. I hugged her to me as we
grieved together for Eva and for the wall we’d unknowingly
built between us.

“Mom, I’m so sorry.” I cried into her shoulder.

“It’s okay.” She shushed me as she swept my
hair behind my ear. “We have a lot to deal with,
sweetheart. We’ll do that later, okay? Right now I just want
you to get better.”

I nodded, thankful she was willing to forgive me. I
wanted to explain everything to her, to tell her why I was
scared to let her know, but the door opened.

Dad.
My stomach twisted in knots when I saw his
face.

His expression gave nothing away, and he
looked as if he felt nothing, though he couldn’t hide the
disgust he felt for me. My voice trembled, shaky and
barely audible as I called to him across the room, “Dad?”
My voice implored him to talk to me. He shook his head
and looked down, leaving the room without saying a word.

It was exactly as I had feared. He would never forgive me
for this. I could only imagine the way he had treated
Daniel. Mom narrowed her eyes as she watched him
leave, turning back to me with a tight smile.