Red Sun (31 page)

The sight of me like this was too much for him.  He leaned his head to the side remorsefully and wiped my face with his free hand.  “Solei…” he started and then lowered his head.

“What could you possibly say that makes any of this alright?”  I raised my eyebrows curiously.  He didn’t know it, but I was desperate.  I’d been down this road before – the one where I gave a guy all of me and he gave me absolutely nothing in return.  I knew this road well enough to know that it dead ended right about here and there was nowhere else to go but back.  I stood there, waited for a response – a response that never came.  I slowly eased my arm from his grasp and turned away.  I grabbed my purse and keys from Elan’s room while he was still showering and drove myself home. 

Unbelievable!
  The very thing that I thought would happen happened and I had no one to blame but myself.  Experience should’ve taught me that dealing with Jolon was dangerous.  Nothing means more to him than his brother and that’s fine; I get that.  But what I don’t get is why he keeps sucking me into his life and then pushing me away once he realizes what he’s done.  It almost would’ve been easier if he’d done me like Vince.  Yes, Vince used me and then broke my heart, but it comforted me to see that I wasn’t the only one he’d done like that.  Even the girl he cheated with eventually was tossed aside for yet another girl, which was pretty much Vince’s cycle.  But this situation with Jolon?  I think it hurt more to know that he was fully capable of loving me, but wouldn’t.  Not
couldn’t
, just wouldn’t.  Vince was selfish to the core – no one mattered more than him.  But Jolon had a history of being self-sacrificing, only this time his feelings weren’t the only ones being offered up for the sake of Elan, mine were too.

I had all these feelings for him and no idea what to do with them now.  He’s fully aw
are of the fact that I love him – I told him so myself – but that isn’t enough to change anything.  I growled in frustration.  Why did he even come to me last night if he knew he wasn’t gonna make a move?  Was he just in need of physical contact and I was there so he went for it? Was it really that simple?  Was I really nothing more to him than something to cure his boredom?  I sighed aloud – of course not.  Even I knew that much.  There was so much raw, unbridled passion between us that I couldn’t cheapen it by thinking such things.  Knowing this didn’t make me feel any better.  In fact, I think it made me feel worse.  Why couldn’t he just be a jerk about this so I could hate him and move on?  That would’ve been so much better.  I stared at the road in front of me and did my best to look on the bright side.  At least I took something away from this experience.  I’d just had the best sex of my life and a new standard to hold the next man to.  The downside was that I knew that no one would ever even come
close
to reaching it.  I took a deep breath and realized that the bright side wasn’t so bright after all.

Chapter Twelve

“You up?”  The sound of my dad’s voice startled me awake.  I squinted to see him as the light from the hallway burned my eyes.

“Am now,” I replied.  He smiled a little as he came in.

“How was Ruthann’s?” 

That woke me up fully.  I had to lie convincingly if I was gonna stay out of trouble. 
“Fine.”

He nodded, not questioning my sincerity in the least.  “Now what’s this you said about a mouse?”

I rolled my eyes.  “It was disgusting,” I replied.

“You caught it yourself?”  He stared at me with one eyebrow raised while he waited for me to explain.

“See, what had happened was…”

“Solei,” my father interrupted.

“Fine…..a friend came by and took care of it for me.”

“A friend?”

“Yes.  His name’s Elan.”

My dad narrowed his eyes.  “Is this the same friend that came into the shop the day I was there? 
The one with the hair?”

I shook my head no.  “That was his brother.”

“Hmm…So much for there not being any boys around here, huh…..”

I sm
iled.  “I did say that didn’t I?“  My cheeks were hot so I quickly changed the subject.  “Anyway, he said there’s a big hole under the sink that needs to be patched and that should keep more from getting in.  In the meantime he put a few traps under there.”

“Hmm…” he repeated, still unhappy that a guy had been in the house even if it was to defend me against rodents.

“Dad, that’s all he did.  He set the traps and left.  After that, I called you to let you know I was at Ruthann’s which is where I spent the whole weekend,” I lied. “Me and Kaya just hung out pretty much the whole time.”  My story came out smooth and seamlessly.

“Well, I guess I don’t have much choice but to trust you.”

“How was it back home?  Everything go ok?”  I asked, wanting to change the subject again. 

He shrugged.  “Yeah, it was fine. 
Me and Alicia got a chance to talk.”

My expression was questioning.

“We discussed a few things that were bothering us, but there’s still more to talk about.  It’ll work out though,” he stated, trying to convince us both.  His gaze was distant for a few seconds and then he came back to the here and now.  “I’ve got a surprise for you out in the living room.”

My face lit up.  “What is it?”

He rolled his eyes and paced down the hallway.  “Get your lazy self up and come see.”

I hopped out of bed and chased after him.  I gasped when I saw Tarik sitting on the couch, seemingly out of place in my new environment.  Instead of waiting for him to stand up, I rushed him where he sat.

“Huhhhhhh…..back up!  Dang!”  He protested.

“I missed your ugly self!”  I yelled.  “What’re you doing here?”

He pushed me away and straightened his clothes.  “Your pops asked me if I wanted to come for a few days and I said yeah.”

“How long you staying?”  My face was stuck in a permanent smile.

“Just a couple days.  I’m going back when he does.”

My smile faded as I turned to look at my dad.  “You’re going back?”

I could tell that he wished Tarik hadn’t said so much “Yeah, I hadn’t gotten to that part yet.  Things went a little better with me and Alicia than I thought.”  He looked down at the ground for a second before meeting my gaze again.  “Part of the reason Tarik’s here is to help us pack up and take a load back home Wednesday.  Within the next few weeks I plan to have us all moved out of here.”

I felt double-
crossed.  “Dad!”

“Look, Solei.  I know you’re really starting to like it here and all and you’ve got your little job and your little boyfriend and everything, but your life is not here in Conway.  You knew when we got here that this move was temporary.”

“So, I’m just an accessory to you aren’t I?  Every time you get ready to up and move you just drag me along.”  I folded my arms.  “Don’t you think it’s a little bit unfair that you decided all this without me?”

He looked shocked.  “Since when did I start consulting you?  I’m the parent, remember?”

I rolled my eyes knowing how much he hates that.  “But I’m an adult now too!  You can’t keep just pulling me back and forth from one city to the next! 
You
were the one who told me to meet new people! 
You
were the one that wanted me to get a job!  Now I’ve done everything you wanted me to and you expect me to just walk away from it all because you’re ready to go?  Nope.  Not going,” I said matter-of-factly. 

He stared at me with no expression visible.  The only thing saving me right now was that fact that Tarik was here.  Instead of blowing up like I knew he wanted to, he nodded and pursed his lips together tightly. 
“You done?”  He asked.

I sighed.

“Good.  Glad you got that out your system.  Now, by the time Tuesday gets here, I’ll expect you to be the first one at the door.  Am I clear?”

I glared at him, silent and unmoving.  He broke his gaze and stormed off to the bathroom.  Tarik shook his head without looking up from the text message he was sending.  “I thought you hated it here.”

I took a deep breath.  “I did…..for a little while anyway.  But now I feel like I have more reason to be here in Conway than I do to go home.  It feels weird even calling anywhere but here home.”  I took a seat beside him on the couch, huffing as I let my body slam against the back.

“From what I could see there
ain’t much here.  Shoot if I were you, I’d be trying to get gone
tonight
.  We in the middle of nowhere!”  He continued to stare at his phone while he spoke.

“It’s so much better here.”

Tarik chuckled.  “Naw, you just wanna be as far away from Alicia as possible.  That’s all that is.”

I shook my head while I thought.  “No.  That used to be it……but it’s so much more than that now.”

“If it’s not that then it’s this dude your dad was talking about.”

Jolon’s face flashed in my head – the completely wrong brother for me to be thinking of.  “It’s not about a guy either.  I hate men right about now. 
You
just barely made the cut,” I scoffed, remembering the tragedy that had taken place in Elan’s kitchen that morning.  “In fact the only thing Conway is missing is a convent so I can swear off men for good.”

“Yeah, whatever.
  You’d be trying to claw your way out of a place like that in a week.  Trust me.  I know you better than you know yourself.”

I had to laugh at that, mainly because he was probably right.  “I don’t know.  I just…..need a break from that situation for a while.”

“Then come home for a minute – at least with me and your pops to drop off the first load.  That way you and ol’ boy can have some time apart and you’ll have a few weeks to figure out what you wanna do.”  He looked at my hair and frowned.  “And you can get your hair done.  That mess is raggedy.  Looks like your braids are about to take
themselves
down.”

I laughed and hit his phone out of his hand.  “Leave me alone!  There’s nowhere out here that does braids.  Besides, my headbands hide the new growth.”

He shook his head and continued to stare with a look of disgust on his face.

“Whatever, stupid.
  You wish you were as fly as me.”

“
Hm…”

I sat back on the couch and stared at the ceiling.  Maybe Tarik was right. 
Going back home for a few days wasn’t anything permanent.  I still had a few weeks to figure out how to get out of that.  And who knows?  Putting a little space between me and
both
brothers would give me a chance to get my mind right.  And Tarik had a point about my hair; it was high time to get it together.

When my dad came back from the bathroom
, he was still upset by our conversation.  I resented having to tell him that I was in fact not going to fight him on going home for a little while; he’d think he won the argument when I truly had no intentions on changing my mind.  But the sooner I tell him the better.

“How long are we gonna be gone?”  I asked solemnly.

“Til Thursday.  I have to be back for work Friday morning.”

“I’ll go,” I breathed.  “But can we talk about this moving back thing.  I’m not trying to change your
mind, I just want you to hear me out.”

Dad nodded.  I looked at Tarik and he already knew that we needed some privacy.  He sighed. 
“Which way’s your room?”

“At the end of the hall,” I replied.  When I heard the door close, I turned back toward my father.  “Dad, look.  I know this was never meant to be a long-term thing…..but I really like it here.  It’s been a long time since I’ve felt like I belonged somewhere.  Doesn’t that matter?”

I listened to him let all of the air out of his lungs before he responded.  “Solei, you know that your happiness means more to me than my own.  But baby, its gonna take more than your minimum wage job and you buying that old car with those may-pop tires on it to convince me that you’re ready to be on your own.”  He shook his head a little and looked down at the ground.  “Listen, I know you feel like you’re the only one who lost something in that accident, but Shalon was my little girl just like you are.”  I didn’t want to have this conversation, but he continued.  “I promised myself when you came to live with me that I was gonna do whatever it took to keep you safe and to see to it that you never wanted for anything.  I didn’t always do right by you girls – nobody knows that better than me.  There’s no way I can make that up to your sister, but if I have to die trying I’m gonna make it up to you.  I know that to Alicia, you’re a little on the spoiled side, but to me……you’re always gonna be my little girl.  I’m not
ready
to let you go.  Not now.  Not like this.  Conway’s a long way from home – a long way from help if you need it.”

He settled back in his chair and focused intently on the floor while he thought and reminisced.  “Dad, do you remember that time me and Shalon came to visit you for Christmas?  We must’ve been about nine or ten.”

He nodded.

“That was the time that you bought us those pink roller skates.”  I smiled.  “Mom called to talk to us and ask us what we got and when we told her about those skates
, she asked to speak to you.”  My dad started laughing to himself, remembering the conversation.

“Yeah, she gave me a piece of her mind that day.”

“Me and Shalon could hear her cussing you out through the phone.  She thought you were crazy because we were too clumsy for skates.  Remember?”

He nodded.  “She told me that you were gonna break your neck and it would be
all my fault when you did.”

I laughed.  “And do you remember what you told her?”

“I told her that she was smothering the two of you.”

“And what else?”

I watched my father drift back to that moment in time and think the words before he said them aloud.  “I told her…” he started and then cleared his throat as he shifted in his seat.  “I told her that if we never gave you girls a chance to fall…..you’d never learn how to pick yourselves back up.”

“I never forgot that.”  There was a pause while I got my thoughts together.  “That’s what I think of when I think about having to grow up and move on.  I’m not gonna promise that I won’t ever mess up or need your help.  I know there’ll be plenty of times that I have to call you for adv
ice and things like that.  But Dad…….I’m not the same person I was all those months ago when we came out here.  Actually, when I think about who I was, I feel a little embarrassed.  I was a self-absorbed brat that couldn’t see past herself.  But I’m not her anymore.”

He shook his head a little.  “Solei, I hear you, but…”

“Dad, do you know I haven’t had to take my sleeping pills in over a month now?”

His eyes widened for a brief moment and then he corrected his expression.  It would do nothing for his argument for him to show that he was pleased by this.  He settled back into his sour scowl and continued to listen.

“I’m not saying my life is perfect now, but I think I’m learning how to deal with the imperfections rather than letting them consume me.  Ruthann has been really good for me.”  I smiled.  “She’s really easy to talk to.  She reminds me of Mom in that way.”

My father was thoughtful. 
“So, what about school?  You think you’re just gonna inherit the flower shop or something?” He asked sarcastically.  “I don’t even think you’ve
thought
about your future.”

I too
k a deep breath.  “You’re right,” I admitted.  “I haven’t been on top of that.  But if I promise you that I’ll start looking into it right away, will you consider letting me stay?”

I stared at
him until he looked me in my face.  There was an obvious desire to protest in his eyes, but something I said had affected him – even if only a little.  It was enough to make him think that maybe, just maybe I would survive out here without him.  I saw his shoulders sink a little with defeat as he responded.