Red Sun (43 page)

Chapter
Seventeen

So my few days at
Ruthann’s turned into a week – a whole week of peace and quiet; no Dad and no drama.  Of course he’d been calling me all day every day, but I didn’t feel like I owed him an explanation other than that I was at Ruthann’s and not to worry about me.  Beyond that, we really had nothing to talk about.  Whether he knew it or not, he’d already made his choice when he chose not to stand up for me.  I’ve never been one to give ultimatums because I hate getting them myself, but with this situation there was no way my father could keep both me
and
Alicia in his life.  I’d done alright to ignore her ways as long as I could, but that comment she made about my mother was the last straw. 

The m
ore time that passed, the more I began to realize that I could make it without my father.  In fact, if I didn’t have to go back to his house to pack more of my stuff for the trip to Laurel Bay the next day to meet Elan and Jolon’s parents, I probably wouldn’t have gone back at all for weeks.  Ruthann loved the company just as much as I did.  She enjoyed having someone to cook for and also having another set of footsteps around the house.  We got along perfectly which was something I hadn’t had since living with my mother. Ruthann didn’t want to protest, but I could see the sadness in her eyes when I first told her that I was heading home, thinking that I meant for good.  She would never hinder me from being with my father, but it wasn’t until I had the chance to stay with her that it became apparent that she’s not as content with being alone as I once thought.  After assuring her that I’d be back in about an hour, I started toward the bridge in my car to face uncertainty.

There were a few different things that my father could be thinking and feeling at this point.  Maybe he’d gotten used to me being gone and wasn’t even concerned anymore.  Maybe he’d completely packed up and was preparing to make an exit from Conway sooner now that he didn’t have to worry about uprooting me.  Maybe he’d had some time to reflect and was actually feeling remorseful.  Maybe he’d just be pissed that
I’d been gone so long.  At times, he can be unpredictable which makes it hard to prepare myself.  When I pulled into the driveway behind his truck, I turned off the headlights and sat there a while.  Inside, the living room light was on, but that didn’t tell me anything.  Still watching the window, I took a deep breath and decided to go in – sitting out here wasn’t going to do anything except make me more nervous, speculating what was to come.

It felt like my feet were stuck in mud as I trudged toward the door.  I didn’t want to go back.  Not ever. 
When I first walked in, I was afraid to look around, but I was aware of his presence in the chair far across the room.  He was still and quiet, probably a little shocked to see me after I’d avoided him for so long.  The familiar smell of the place I’d called home the past four months hit me and I had to close my eyes for a second.  Even after only being gone a week, it felt more like years.  I slid my shoes off, eyes still glued to the floor, and then took a few steps in the direction of my room. 

“Solei…wait…..please,”
my father said calmly.  I stopped moving my feet, but didn’t look at him.  He sighed and I heard his newspaper crinkle as he folded it and set it on the coffee table in front of him.  “Have you been alright?  You need anything?  Food?  Money? 
Anything?
”  He was on the edge of his chair, ready to leap to my aid if I answered ‘yes’ to any of those questions.  His concern was genuine.  That didn’t surprise me.

I shook my head and replied, “No…..I’m good. 
Just stopped by to grab a few more things.  I’ll be out of your way in a few minutes…..ten tops.”  Before he could respond and hold me up, I took another step and then practically ran to my room as soon as I was out of his line of sight.  I quickly tossed what I needed into the empty bag I brought with me and then had my sights set on the front door – the beginning of my road to freedom.

“Wait!”
  My father’s tone was desperate when he called out to me.  “You can’t just walk out like this.  You did that once already.  Don’t you think I at least deserve
some
sort of an explanation?”

My shoulders slumped and my gaze dropped to the floor when I sighed. 
“Dad, I’m not here to argue or talk or any of that.  I got what I came for, now I’m leaving.  Please don’t do this right now.”

“Then when?”  He scoffed.  “You won’t answer my phone calls.  You won’t tell me where you are.  You asked me not to disturb you at work.  When exactly am I supposed to speak my piece?  You’ve sh
ut me out every way you possibly can, Solei.”

I continued to watch the ground.
  From the corner of my eye, I saw my father stand to his feet and begin walking toward me.  Against my better judgment, I didn’t walk away.

“I s
till think we can work this out,” he said hopefully.  “Just come back home so I know you’re safe and taken care of.  I sit up half the night wondering if you’re eating and if you have a decent place to lay your head.  This is killing me,” he admitted.

Killing
him? 
Did he think it was easy for me to give him up so he could work on his relationship with his wife?  Did he think it was easy to lose
both
of my parents?  “Dad, I can take care of myself.  And to be quite honest, I think you’re more concerned about
who
I’ve been with than you are about anything else,” I blurted.

He took a deep breath.  “I’m your father.  Naturally I’m gonna be worried that someone’s taking advantage of you and preying on your emotions, but that’s a secondary concern compared to your safety.” He touched my shoulder.  “But, sweetheart, men can pretty much smell when a woman is vulnerable.  Trust me.  And you don’t need that right now.”

It upset me that he assumed that I was staying with Elan or whoever he thought I was staying with. I sighed aloud.  “I’m not a child!  That’s been the whoooole problem here.  You think that I should just roll with whatever punches are thrown at me because, to you, I’m still a kid.”  I folded my arms over my chest and moved away until his hand was off of me.  “I’m a woman now, whether you want to admit that or not and I know better than you what I need.  And right now, I
don’t
need you and I
definitely
don’t need Alicia.”  I reached for the door knob and pulled it, but then thought of something else to say.  “This has been the most peaceful week I’ve had since I don’t even know when – I’ve been treated like an adult who’s capable of making their own decisions, not a child who just gets dragged from one mess to another. 
That’s
what I need right now,” I stated. 

I finally turned and looked him in his eye and added, “And if Alicia’s what you feel
you
need right now…….then I’m stepping out of the way.  Have her,” I breathed angrily, securing my bag on my shoulder and stepping out onto the porch.  It felt like the car was a million miles away as I made my way toward it, my father standing on the porch watching me.

“So….what?
  You’re just gonna leave again without us working this out, Solei?”

I rolled my eyes to myself.  “I’ve already worked it out
, Dad.”

For a few seconds the only sound was the gravel beneath my feet as I walked.  “What do I have to do to convince you to come home?”  He asked. 
That made me stop dead in my tracks.  He’d never said anything like that to me before – almost admitting that he may have a small part to play in our relationship being less than perfect.  I still couldn’t turn around and look at him.

When I didn’t respond, he continued while he had my attention.  “
I filed for separation yesterday,” he breathed.  “I’m man enough to say that you were right about her.”

I was still and silent.  The wind swept past, cooling my burning face.  What did he want me to say to that?  Did he think I should just drop everything and come back
home simply because he finally got the picture?  Did he think that changed the fact that for the past four years of my life I’d been through hell because he was too blinded by his love for Alicia to even
listen
to what I had to say?  No, sorry, but no.  When I shook my head and continued to walk toward my car, he spoke again.

“Did you hear me?”

I did…..but he may as well have said nothing at all.  Too little too late.  I tossed my bag onto the passenger seat and then climbed in.  When I started the engine and turned on the lights, I could see my father’s perplexed expression.  He
did
think that his news would fix it.  I could imagine why he – being a man and all – might have such an idea in his head, but to me the trust that I once had in him was long gone and it wasn’t all that deep to begin with.  So, for me, him leaving Alicia wasn’t going to benefit anyone at this point.  I’d already lost him.

His face was blank when I backed out of the driveway and took off down the street
, trying to get as far away from that house as possible, as
quickly
as possible.  I did fifteen over the speed limit the whole way to Ruthann’s.  When I got there to find Jolon pacing in front of the house, I had a feeling this night was going to continue going south.  He was visibly upset even from a distance.  He didn’t look up when he saw me pull in, just continued to pace.  Not a good sign.

“Everything ok?”
  I asked as I approached.

He frowned even more and shook his head. 

“What happened?”  His vagueness was confusing.  “Is it Elan?”  That was the only thing I could think of that would have him angry like this.

He balled up both fists which meant ‘yes’. 

“Ok…..so…..you wanna talk about it?”  I asked timidly.  His expression was so fierce that I almost regretted inquiring.

“He
invited Kaya behind my back,” Jolon said through clenched teeth.  “Told her it was my idea, but I was too nervous to ask her myself.”

I scrunched up my face. 
“Kaya?  Why?”

He looked at me as if I should
already
know why.  “To run interference again, Solei – the same reason he always invites her
anywhere
.  He thinks she’ll keep me distracted and away from you.” He started mumbling to himself after that as he paced in the opposite direction.

“Ok…..so
I get that you’re annoyed, but…..”  I did my best to keep from smiling.   “Why are
you
pissed about that?”  I asked jokingly.  “
I’m
the one she hates.  If she’s gonna make anyone uncomfortable it’ll be me…..not you.”

“
Kaya has nothing to do with it!”  Jolon replied, raising his voice a little.  The frustration mounting in his expression wasn’t directed toward me.  I was sure of that.  From the looks of it, the weight of our circumstances was starting to defeat him just like I feared it would.  He stood still momentarily while he continued to speak and so did I.  “It’s my brother,” he clarified more calmly now.  He shook his head and bit down on the side of his lip, trying to bridle his anger.  “I don’t even think I’m mad at
Elan
– I’m mad at
myself
.  I shouldn’t even be in this situation.”

How was I supposed to take that? 
I didn’t know whether to be offended by his statement or to simply pass it off as a slip of the tongue in the midst of an emotional conversation.  Because I couldn’t decide, I stood there silently and let him vent instead of flying off the handle like I started to.

“The fact that my own brother even has to watch me or be suspicious of me
like this is outrageous,” he added.  “But the thing is…..I can’t blame him cause I’m guilty as sin, Solei.  As soon as I had the chance, I went after the
one
thing – the one
person –
that I knew was off limits.”  Jolon shook his head, no doubt scolding himself inwardly.

I
looked up at the clouds above wondering to myself where this was all coming from.  Had Elan’s suspicions just hit a nerve or were these feelings Jolon was still harboring secretly while pretending like he could handle this?  I mean, I knew that there was still a certain amount of guilt he carried around, but listening to him talk you’d think that the two of us hadn’t made any progress at all.  This conversation was the result of Elan ripping the band-aid off of a situation that was still festering and sensitive.  Maybe the stress of the trip in general was starting to get to Jolon. In all this, I had never asked him if he preferred that I stay home, or what his take was.  Maybe me going was going to be too much on him.  If I stayed behind, that should fix everything.

Jolon continued to rant. 
“Now, not only do I have to worry about Elan with you, but I have to deal with your friend irking me the whole time too.”

I saw an opportunity to jump in and did. 
“Well…..what if I just stayed here?  That way Elan can call off the dogs – or……Kaya – and it would just be the two of you.  Less drama that way,” I added, forcing a weary smile.  “Maybe that’d be best.  You think?”

“No…..I
want
you to come.”  It surprised me that he objected as quickly as he did, not even considering the possibility of leaving me behind.  “You being there’s really the only bright spot in this whole thing.  Me and E have been mixing like oil and water lately, so if it was just us driving all the way to the Bay alone, we’d end up killing each other before we even got there.”  Jolon sighed sharply and stopped pacing for the first time.  When he leaned against the front of the truck he immediately pulled me closer to him. “I guess I’ll just have to deal with it,” he eventually concluded.