Red Sun (44 page)

For the first time ever,
I felt a little awkward in Jolon’s arms.  Deep down, I knew that it was because of his lack of certainty.  While he hadn’t come right out and said again that he regretted us, I couldn’t help but to feel like he did.  All this talk about how he’s not supposed to be in this situation was sounding all too familiar.  It felt like we were taking a step backward, heading back to the depths of confusion where we first started. 

Contradicting the words that had come out of his mouth
a few short moments ago, Jolon’s arms were wrapped tightly around me while I leaned on his chest stiffly, unsure if I should relax or take his comment to heart.

My silence alerted him.  “What’s wrong?”  He asked, finally calm from his rant.

I shrugged, the weight of his arms making it difficult to move my shoulders beneath them.  “Nothing,” I lied.

He leaned his head to the side a little so that he could see into my eyes.
  There was a faintly warm smile on his lips.  “You gonna tell me the truth on your own or am I gonna have to
make
you tell me,” he joked.

Do I tell him?  Should I really weigh him down with my insecurities about our relationship while he’s already dealing with so much?  Or is it better to speak what’s on my heart and give him a chance to clarify himself instead of jumping to conclusions like I was?  Seeing as how we’d have to add this awkward tension between us to the list of things to deal with this weekend, I decided to be forthright and say what I was thinking. 
“It’s nothing big.  It’s just……I can’t help but to wonder if deep down…….you still feel like we’re making a mistake.”  I held my breath and listened for his response.

“
I knew I should’ve waited to come by,” he said quietly to himself.  “Solei, this is between me and my brother,” he explained.  “You have nothing to feel bad about.  I shouldn’t have come over here all angry like this,” he said, leaning his chin on the top of my head while we hugged.  “I just really needed to talk, but I didn’t mean to bring you down too.”

“No, you didn’t bring me down.  I guess just because of how we were – well, how
you
were – in the beginning, I just try to make sure we’re not backpedaling.  I know you’re not ok with what either one of us is doing to your brother, but.....I just have this really big fear that……that I’m gonna lose you.”  As soon as the words left my mouth I felt like I’d admitted too much – let him know just how far I’d fallen for him.  Embarrassment set in quickly.

I heard Jolon
take a deep breath and then he kissed my forehead once lightly.  “That’ll never happen,” he insisted, never raising his voice much higher than a whisper. “When all this started, I didn’t really know how to deal with the feelings I had for you so I just didn’t do…….well…I guess I didn’t do much of
anything –
nothing positive anyway.”  He paused.  “I hadn’t felt feelings that strong for
any
woman since…..”  Without him finishing that sentence I knew what he was thinking.  He was remembering the guilt he’d spoken of in the past that kept him at a distance.  “Anyway, I’m just trying to make up for all of that now.  I’m trying to show you that we’ll never go back to how things were.  You’re too much a part of me for me to ever separate myself from you.”  I lifted my head and looked up at him.  He smiled.  “I’m trying my best to make it up to you, but it’s kind of hard when I have to watch my back to even hold your hand,” he added, laughing a little.

“I know,” I said, smiling.  “I’m just still a little gun-shy I guess.  It’ll pass over time.”  I hugged him tighter and closed my eyes, finally relaxing.  “So, you really think this trip is gonna work out?
”

I could feel him shrug.  “Can’t say for sure, but I have a good feeling about it.”  There was a pause.  “As strange as this may sound,
I’m
as excited as E is about you meeting our parents – especially my mom.  She’s really
gonna love you.”

I smiled to myself until I realized that she’d only feel that way temporarily.  Word would eventually get back to her that I’m actually with Jolon as opposed to Elan.
  It made me a little sad to think that the family of the man I could see myself with long-term may all one day hate me.  Elan for sure.  Would his mother and father ever get over me coming in between their sons? 

“M
ind if I ask you something?”  Jolon forced out, interrupting my thoughts.

“Of course
not,” I answered, settling into his chest a little more.

He
swallowed hard.  “I’ve been thinking about something and I didn’t want to make a final decision without running it past you first – it’ll probably affect you just as much as it will me.”

The gravity in his tone made my stomach hurt.  “I’m listening,” I replied.  There was a sinking feeling that came over me that I couldn’t shake.  It felt like someone had snatched the ground from underneath me and left me there dangling.

“I’ve been racking my brain,” he started. “ – trying to figure this out and I keep coming up empty.  I mean…whenever all of this comes to the light, it’s gonna feel like it was the wrong time.  Right?”  He asked.

I thought about that.  “Yeah, probably,” I replied.  Honestly, because Elan’s going to be hurt, his reaction is always going to make it feel like we told him at the wrong time.  But truthfully there wasn’t such a time as the right time to break someone’s heart.

“Regardless of how and when we break the news, E’s gonna eventually figure out that we had feelings for one another all along because he’s already suspicious and thinking that anyway.”  There was a long pause after he said that, like he had to remove the doubt from his voice before continuing his statement, trying to hide it from me. “So…….I think we’re just gonna have to tell him.”  He corrected himself.  “Well,
I’m
gonna have to tell him.  You shouldn’t have to take that on.”

“What? 
When?”  I asked exasperatedly.  Granted I knew it had to happen someday, but it sounded like Jolon was thinking it needed to happen soon.

He
nodded.  “I think that’s best.  It’d be worse if he had to find out by catching us or something like that.  Then he’d think we were content with sneaking behind his back.  This way, he’ll know that we both care about his feelings and that our intentions aren’t to hurt him.  Of course I’ll leave out the intimate details, but yeah.  I think if I just approach him man to man, he’ll get the anger out of his system, probably cuss me out, and then we’ll be fine.  Well…..eventually we will be.”

I wasn’t as sure about that as he was. 
“When?” I repeated.

He was quiet – quiet enough that I started to ask again, but then he spoke up, dryly replying, “Monday.”

“
That
soon?”  I asked.

Jolon
nodded again.  “I think I’m gonna have to,” he explained.  “Solei, you weren’t there tonight when we got into it.  I was
this
close to telling him right then and there because it’s like he knows already – like he can see it in my eyes that I’m hiding something.  The longer I let this go on without saying anything, it’s like I’m lying to him all the time.  I can’t live like that.  I can’t, day in and day out, just keep stabbing him in the back.” 

That last part was hard for Jolon
to say.  Looking in his eyes, I could see how much this was tearing him apart on the inside.  In my head, I had a vision of them as little boys again – outside in the tent like Elan had told me once.  I pictured them alone and a little scared, but neither of them wanting to admit it to the other because he had to be strong and protect his brother.  Once upon a time, they were one another’s rock – each other’s greatest support.  What a hard thing it must be to go from being the one person someone could truly depend on and trust, to being the one person that they suspect means them the most harm.  Jolon had to see that and relive that hurt he was causing his brother every time he looked into his Elan’s eyes.  Just thinking about it brought tears to my eyes.  Jolon was right.  It was time.

“
I don’t wanna ruin this weekend for him
or
my dad, so that’s the only reason I say I should wait until Monday.  Since we’re leaving Sunday morning, I’ll let him relax the rest of that day so he won’t be all irritable and on edge already when I tell him…….but the next morning…….I’m just gonna lay it all bare.”

There was a long silence as I imagined he was thinking of the consequences just like I was.  Elan knowing meant that Kaya’s suspicions would also be confirmed and there wouldn’t be anywhere to hide from either
one of them.  But aside from what I’d have to deal with, Jolon was about to put his relationship with his brother on the line and that was bigger than everything else.  They live together, work together,
everything
.  What would life be like for them once all of this came to the light?  Would their business fall apart?  Would they ever speak again?  Would Jolon eventually resent me for what our relationship cost him?

“You ok with that?”  He asked.

I shrugged.  “Don’t have much of a choice really.  You’re right about everything.”

Jolon continued to stroke my back while we stood there.  The air felt heavier all of a sudden, making it harder to breathe now than before.  I wanted to talk about something else. 
Anything
else.

“So, you really think your parents will like me?”  I asked.

Jolon smiled a little.  “You nervous or something?”  He asked.

I raised my eyebrows. 
“Uh…..
yeah
!  I’m scared they’re gonna see right through me.  Mothers have a second sense about these things, you know.  I’m just scared she’s gonna pick up on something that I’m not even doing on purpose and blow my whole cover.  And let’s not forget about Kaya.  She can practically smell you on me or something,” I said.  “She’s constantly watching us.”

He laughed a little.

“I’m surprised that she didn’t say something to you about it yet.”  His silence made me wonder.  “Or
did
she?”

He laughed quietly again. 
“Maybe.”

I pulled back from him and looked at his face.  “What’d she say?”

He leaned his head to the side and asked, “What’ll you give me if I tell you?”

I folded my arms over my chest in protest. 
“Nothing.”

Jolon raised one eyebrow and continued to smirk.  “Not good enough,” he replied.

I couldn’t help but to smile back.  “Well, first things first.  What’d she say?”

“Just to watch out for you
cause she thinks you want me.  Then she asked if I picked up on anything.  I said no.  She said that I was blind and that you’d been practically throwing yourself at me and that she thinks Elan sees it too.”

“Then what’d
you
say?”  I asked.

“I told her that she could be
right and I’m gonna start watching you too,” he replied.

I
squinted my eyes at him. 

He sighed.  “Joking….I didn’t say anything else.”

“Nothing?”

“Nothing.”

He looked at my face to see if I was done questioning him.

I stared off into the distance thoughtfully, mostly feeling bad for what I was doing to Kaya behind her back.  Here I was, in the arms of the man
she
wanted.  It seemed right and wrong all at the same time.  I took a deep breath.  “I’m just relieved that pretty soon neither of us will have to lie or hide anymore.  Everything will be out in the open and we can finally relax and just be together.  No guilt.”

Jolon kissed my forehead again and repeated, “No guilt.”
  I looked up to find him smiling a little which melted away some of the shame that I was feeling.  As payment for divulging his conversation with Kaya, I planted a kiss on his lips. 

When Jolon left, I went back over our conversation and found solace in knowing that soon this would all be over.  If it weren’t for the fact that we’d hooked up under less than ideal circumstances, what we have would be virtually perfect – flawless in every sense of the word.  Just two people crazy in love.  His kiss was the perfect ending to a hectic and not so perfect day. 
But that’s what life’s all about, right?  Making lemonade out of lemons?  When I recapped, I was content feeling like that was exactly what I’d done.  Between the run in with my father and the reality of the limited timeline on breaking the news to Elan, I was beginning to think all was lost.  But with one kiss, Jolon had righted all that had seemingly gone wrong in a day.

Chapter
Eighteen

The next night, me and Ruthann closed up the shop a few minutes early and headed back to her house where I was supposed to wait to be picked up.  Elan called about an hour before time to leave to announce that Jo
lon had spontaneously invited Kaya and that she’d be by to pick me up before coming to the house to get the two of them.  He had no idea that I was aware of the part he’d played in all of this.  His insecurities had driven him to lying and creating what he thought were elaborate smokescreens to hide his suspicions. 

At around 7:45, the lights from Kaya’s truck beamed through Ruthann’s sheer living room curtains.  I sighed heavily and grabbed my suitcase from in front of the door, dreading the no
tion of being in Kaya’s presence for any length of time.  The entire time I trudged toward her truck, I imagined her gaze following me every step of the way – disgust and hatred in her eyes because of what she suspected of me.  I was right.  As I flung the door open, she didn’t even try to change her expression, although she was now staring straight ahead through the windshield.  Normally, I would’ve greeted her with a smile or a hello or
something,
but under the circumstances it felt unnecessary.  Kaya had her mind made up about me and there was nothing I could do to change it.  She wasn’t even trying to hide the fact that I wasn’t exactly her favorite person anymore, so I didn’t pretend not to be aware of that fact.

We drove in silence the entire way to El
an and Jolon’s house.  They’d decided to wait outside for Kaya to arrive; one on the porch and the other standing halfway down the driveway – possibly so they wouldn’t feel obligated to keep up conversation.  For a brief second before loading his bag, Jolon met my gaze with an unsure look in his eyes.  The look on his face led me to believe that the sense of surety he’d once felt about this trip, was beginning to fade. 

“Here….you can drive
cause I don’t know where I’m going,” Kaya said to Elan, already stepping out onto the driveway.  She walked around the truck and climbed into the seat behind me.  Elan said a few mumbled words to Jolon while they arranged the luggage in the back so that it wouldn’t block the rear window.  Once they finished, everyone was silent again.  Jolon got in the backseat, never making eye contact with me again, and Elan got behind the wheel.  As we backed out, I noticed movement in the back and watched inconspicuously from the corner of my eye.  Kaya didn’t waste any time.  She had already closed the space between her and Jolon and forced his arm around her shoulder so that she could lay on him.  I sighed and settled into my seat, trying to ignore them and relax while staring out the window.

“You ok?”  Elan said quietly, just barely being heard over the music.  It wasn’t until he said something that I realized I hadn’t said one word to him yet.

“Oh…yeah, I’m fine.  Just a little tired.  And a little nervous I guess.”

He smiled reassuringly.  “I already told you there’s nothing to be worried about.  We’
re gonna have fun.”

I returned the smile and nodded.  “I know.”

He watched me for a few more seconds and then turned away.  His hand was warm against my thigh where it rested just below my shorts.  It was awkward having him touch me in such a way in Jolon’s presence, but then again he and Kaya were pretty close back there too.  I suppose this is all just part of the charade.  So, instead of worrying about how to get Elan to move without him realizing that something was wrong, I just continued to lean my head on my fist while he ran his fingers back and forth over my skin. 

Without even having to look, I knew Jolon was watching – probably charting even the slightest of his brother’s movements.  Kaya had long since dozed which gave him the freedom to spy from the darkness of the backseat without Elan and I being aware.  There was no way he’d let himself fall asleep – he was far too overprotective for that.  I felt my eyelids getting heavy and didn’t see the need to fight it.  We’d only
gotten an hour into the ride so I had plenty of time to get a couple hours in so I’d be alert and refreshed when it came time to meet their parents.  The night air was just cool enough to help me clear my head and I was soon comfortable enough to drift.

The
bright glow of a street light shining into my eyes brought me back to consciousness.  I squinted and frowned in protest while trying to focus on my surroundings.

“We’re here,” Elan said softly, yawning while he spoke.  I stared at the house in front of me while undoing my seatbelt.  It was quaint.  Not too much bigger than many of the house
s in Conway actually, but it appeared to be newer.  Much to my surprise, I wasn’t even nervous anymore.  Not because I had a newfound outlook on the situation, but because it was too late to turn back at this point.  I was almost numb – sort of how I’d imagine a prisoner on death row to feel while awaiting the inevitable. 

Everyone else was already grabbing their bags from the trunk when I opened my door and traipsed to
the back and did the same, waiting just a few seconds for Kaya to retrieve her things.  When she walked past, she made eye contact with me for the first time, but only to glare.  It didn’t even faze me anymore.  Come Monday she’d
really
have a reason to hate me.

“My boys!”
  A voice from just beyond the truck called out.  It was a soft, soothing voice – that of Jolon and Elan’s mother I was sure.  Only a mother would get so excited over seeing her children, that she couldn’t even wait for them to get to the door.  I looked up from what I was doing to confirm my assumption.  I was right.  A small framed woman, barely reaching Elan’s shoulder, was cradling him in her arms while she kissed all over his face.  She held his face in her hands a few moments longer and then moved on to Jolon to do the same.  I smiled to myself and closed the hatch, pulling my suitcase behind me.

“And you must be Solei,” the small woman said, to my surprise referring to Kaya instead of me.

Kaya smiled politely, hiding the fact that she hated being mistaken for me.  “No, ma’am.  I’m Kaya.”

The woman’s eyes widened.  “Oh…..I must’ve misheard your name somehow.  I was sure Elan said it was Solei.”  She shrugged with a confused look on her face and hugged Kaya anyway.

“No, Mom,” Elan explained.  “
This
is Solei.”  I was just rounding the truck and coming into view when his mother turned around.  At first, there was shock in her eyes, but no judgment.  My being black obviously caught her off guard, though.

“Oh!”  She took a second to wrap her mind around it.  “Well…
it’s nice to meet you, hun.”  Her tone was still sweet and kind as she leaned in for a hug.  “Elan can’t say enough good things about you.  It seems every time we talk it’s
‘Solei this’
and
‘Solei that’. 
You’ve really made quite the impression on my son.”

I smiled.  “
It’s nice meeting you as well, Mrs. Cordero.  I’ve been looking forward to this all week,” I lied.  Kaya’s expression was one of pure hatred as she watched.

“
Oh, Please,” his mother protested.  “Call me Liz.  My husband would blow a gasket if he heard you use such a formality in our home.  Most people just call him Big John which is fine for you to use too.  We’re all family here.”  She laughed a little.  “Well, come on in!  You kid’s have been on the road all night.  I’ve got a few things for you to snack on and then you all can rest or whatever you need to do to get ready for tomorrow.”

We all followed behind
her through the door.  There, Jolon and Elan’s father stood to greet us.  His size was intimidating.  He even towered over his sons who were
already
towering over me.  The brothers were around 6’4” or so which meant their father was around 6’6” or so.  I think my mouth fell open when I first saw him, totally understanding where he got the nickname “Big John”. 

The first thing he did was grab Jolon in one arm and Elan in the other.  There was a smile o
n his face that stretched from East to West.  I could tell that even though he was a big, scary-looking guy on the outside, he was all soft on the inside.  He kissed both of his sons on the forehead while he embraced them, which they protested against.

“Come on
, Dad,” Jolon said, wiping his face profusely.  It didn’t seem to offend Big John in the least.  This was probably the way their encounters always began.

“Quit complaining.  This is what you’re gonna get every time you stay g
one for months at a time.  Whatever happened to you boys making it out here every other week, huh?”

Elan smiled and reached for my hand.  “Well……here’s
one
reason why.”  His father’s eyes finally met mine.  “Pop….meet Solei.  Solei, this is my dad……or Big John…..or John or whatever you wanna call him.”  After Elan’s brief introduction, John extended his hand toward me.

“Leave it to my son to nab the prettiest girl in Conway aside from my
Lizzy.”  He smiled big again and decided against the hand shake and went in for a hug.  When he released me, his eyes were focused on Kaya who was just about hidden behind the door.  “Sorry, Sweetheart.  I didn’t even see you back there.”  He slapped Jolon in the back of his head playfully and pointed toward Kaya while he spoke.  “Don’t let your brother show you up giving his girl a big grandiose introduction while yours is over here hiding.  Tell us the young lady’s name, boy?”  He said loudly.

“Kaya,” Jolon breathed.

John smiled again and kissed Kaya’s hand to make up for not noticing her in the first place.  “It’s a pleasure to make your acquaintance, Miss.  I apologize for my son’s rudeness.  As you can see he did not inherit his charm from my side of the family.  That’s all his ma’s fault,” he joked.

Kaya forced a smile and nodded.

“Come on and have a sit down before your feet get tired.  It’s been a long night for you all already.  Living room’s this way, ladies.”  We followed John while his wife went off into the kitchen.  I took the seat between Elan and Jolon on the couch, leaving Kaya to sit off to the side in an armchair.  There was a brief moment of awkward silence until Liz returned with drinks and a fully loaded arsenal of questions.

“So, how’d you and Solei meet, Elan?”

He sat back and stretched his legs out.  “Mmm…she came by the house to bring something from Ruthann’s and…” he shrugged, smiling.  “You know me – I see something I want and I go after it.  That was how it was.  I knew then that I wanted to be with her and did everything in my power to convince her that I was worth giving a shot.”

Liz smiled. 
“Same old Elan.  Glad to see you haven’t changed any,” she joked.  “What about you and Kaya?  How’d you two meet, Jo?”

I could hear Jolon sigh beside me.  “We actually went to school together, but…..” he glanced at his brother for a second.  “When E and Solei hooked up, they reintroduced us.”

His mother nodded, watching his blank expression while he spoke.  “Interesting,” she replied.  “So, you new to Conway, Solei?”

She was trying
to be polite.  Of course I was new.  “Yes, ma’am.  I’ve been in town for about four months now.

“Oh, ok. 
You enjoying yourself out in the country?”

I smiled.  “
Mmm…it took some getting used to, but yes.  It’s grown on me.”

“Yeah, Conway tends to have that affect on people.  I remember when
me and John first moved out here; I didn’t feel like this was home for quite some time.  The air smelled different.  The people were different.  The sounds were all different.”

“That’
s exactly how I felt,” I explained.  “My dad had to keep reminding me that it’s only temporary and I’d be back home in no time.”

Liz was confused.  “Temporary?”  She asked.

I nodded, regretting that I’d mentioned that.  Now she’d expect me to explain.  “Yes…my father’s only in Conway until December on business and I came along.”  I didn’t want to get into any more detail than that.

“Oh,” she replied thoughtfully.  “
Sooo…..what’s your plan once you leave?  I mean…do you live far or is it close enough for you and Elan to still see one another.”

Elan folded his arms.  “Mom, we already discussed all that.  We’re going to make it work,” he explained.

She sensed that he didn’t want to talk about it just like I did and went on to change the subject.  “How do you keep busy all day, Solei?”

“Mostly work.”

“Yeah, she’s actually working at Ruthann’s,” Elan chimed in.

“Oh, Ruthann’s!
  She’s a dear old friend of mine.  We’ve known each other most of our lives.  I’m sure you already know what a sweet, genuine person she is, seeing as how you spend so much time there.”

I nodded in agreement.  “Yeah, she’s great.  She makes work feel less like work because we get along so well.  It feels more like hanging out with a friend than anything.”

Liz was quiet for a few moments while she reminisced.  “It’s people like her that made it so hard to leave Conway.  You don’t find that everywhere.”  She turned to look at me.  “I’m sure you’ve found that to be true too.  The people in Conway are special in that way.”

I nodded in agreement again.

“What about you, Kaya?  You ever plan on experiencing life outside of Conway one day?”